I’m sluggish and tired as I go upstairs to my room, passing the fully lit Christmas tree in the living room. A narrow sliver of light is coming out of Jamie’s room, but I don’t duck in to say hi. Instead, I go right to the bathroom to wash up and get ready for bed.

Going through my routine, I think back to this afternoon and how Chris kissed me with the shaving cream on his face. It was so silly and such a small thing, and I can’t believe I made myself think it was something more than it was. I brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap up in a fluffy robe from the hallway linen closet.

This is the feeling I didn’t want to have. This is the feeling I was trying to avoid. Disappointment. Nothing’s perfect. Not now, not a year ago. I trudge along to my room and close the door behind me slowly. I check my phone to see if anyone’s texted me. It’s just Chris, telling me he’s arrived home okay.

* * *

“You were gone all night, little lady.” Jamie and I slide into a booth at Kaitlyn’s as she flips the sign on her front door over to let the world know she’s closed for the night. Flicking off the lights behind the counter, she leaves on the lights over the tables along with the colorful lights inside the windows. It feels intimate and safe to be in one of my favorite places with my best girlfriend and my sister, but I feel like a storm is about to hit me at any second on the inside.

“Oh my God. Please tell me you were with some random guy screwing all over a hotel room.” Kaitlyn sets a small silver tray down with three piping-hot cups of cocoa stuffed with a roasted marshmallow each.

“Hm. I think the screwing part might be accurate, but I don’t know about the random guy thing,” Jamie says, taking her drink and wrapping her fingers around it.

I look down and my face betrays me as a smile tugs at the corners of my lips. “Now, you know I wouldn’t have sex for the first time that way. With a random guy? No.” My body is responding to the memory of his touch, but my mind remains confused.

“Please tell me this did not have something to do with the mix tape,” Kaitlyn says, her wide eyes peeking out from behind wisps of her long bangs.

“Actually, I think this might have everything to do with the mix tape, and if by mix tape you mean Chris, and by Chris you mean sex.” Jaimie licks the corner of her marshmallow and winks at me and Kaitlyn.

“Yeah.” I scratch the back of my head and drum my fingers on the table. “It did have something to do with the mix tape, and also everything else you just mentioned a second ago.”

Both of the girls scream and I wince playfully, sticking my hands over my ears.

“How?” Kaitlyn says, pulling a leg up under her. “Wait. Huh?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, waving a hand in the air. “He even came over and helped decorate a tree. You know that shit’s legit.”

“I’m happy if you are,” Kaitlyn says, looking from Jamie to me, “but I thought you wanted to leave all this all in the past. Make a clean break.”

I sigh loudly and struggle to not let the lump in my throat get the best of me. “That’s the thing. I was happy when nothing happened, and then I was thrilled when something finally did happen. And now I’m just confused. He took me to this party last night.”

“Party?” Jaimie raises an eyebrow at me and curls up a corner of her lip. “That’s not like you at all.”

“I know,” I say, “that’s the thing. I wanted to go because I wanted to be in with his group, or something. And then his weird friend made this weird comment to me, and now I don’t know what to think.”

I repeat the comment Josh made and the girls groan.

“That’s bullshit,” Jamie says. “Pure crap. No way.”

“Well, that can’t be all,” Kaitlyn says. “That’s a dumb comment, I agree. But is that all that made you upset?”

“Well, no,” I confess hesitantly. “I also saw him come out of a room with this girl. She was very nice, I happened to talk to her for a few minutes. Sweet girl.”

“Nope. No. Give me her name.” I can’t tell if my sister is really angry or just faking it for my benefit.

“It was probably nothing,” Kaitlyn says, opening her hands on the table. “I can’t imagine anything would happen so out in the open like that.”

“This is the whole thing I’m confused about. I felt so hurt and embarrassed in that moment, but then I realized that I had no reason to be. It’s too many emotions. It’s all too much. Having sex has made me feel so much more, I don’t know….”

“Vulnerable?” Jamie says, putting a hand on mine.

“Yeah. That. And it sucks. And I have no right to be upset, right?”

“I mean, you would, if something happened,” Kaitlyn says.

“Now all I can think about is the fact that he thinks I’m only here for a few more weeks, and how he probably assumes we’ll be apart after that. So what is this whole thing to him? Does it mean as much to him as it does to me?”

“Wait,” Jamie says, “what do you mean, he thinks you’re only here for a few more weeks?”

I bite my lower lip and smile. “I didn’t tell anyone yet because I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it, but I got into the vet medicine program.”

Jamie and Kaitlyn scream again and my sister throws her arms around my shoulders.

“Oh my God! That’s fantastic!” Kaitlyn puts her hand up to high-five me, and I put mine up in return.

“But now you don’t know what to do about Chris, right?” Jamie says.

“Exactly. This freaking sucks. I have no idea what I’m going to do.” I look out the window at a few passers-by. “I regret the last two days. I let myself get wrapped up in something I didn’t understand, and now I’m being left to figure everything out. This is what happened a year ago.”

“And it all started with that tape,” Kaitlyn says, her eyes looking dreamily far off in the distance.

“That’s right. Maybe I should have thrown it out when I went away to school. Me and Chris were on separate paths, and I should have kept it that way. I knew this wouldn’t work out.”

“Now stop that,” my sister says, putting her hand softly on mine. “You might not know what to do, but what do you feel?”

“I feel like it was so right just yesterday. And then everything came crashing down around us. He doesn’t want me. I’m old news now. Maybe I should just go back to California and forget this whole thing.”

“No,” Jamie says. “Not if what you want is to stay here.”

“I just don’t know if I can trust him,” I say, a lump forming in my throat.

“You don’t even know if anything happened,” Kaitlyn says softly, trying to console me.

“I know. But it felt like it did. And I’m probably just sugar-coating everything for myself. He came out of some room with a girl. I mean, what the hell do you think could have happened? They were playing a game of pin the tail on the donkey?” I bury my face in my hands and push the lump down my throat.

“That’s a joke, right?” Jamie says, cocking her head to the side as I lift my face up. I’m starting to tear up.

“Yeah. That’s the other thing. It’s hard to know when he’s joking around and when he’s serious. But that’s one of the things I always liked about him so much.”

“Why don’t you try talking to him?” Kaitlyn offers.

“I should. But I’m so embarrassed. I acted like a lunatic last night after the party. I completely shut him out. He probably thinks I’m not interested anymore.” I wipe tears away from the corners of my eyes. “He probably thinks this was just a fling for me. That’s probably what it was for him, right?”

“Honey, if that’s what it was, then you can move on with your head held high and the memory of a good time over Christmas break. I know it’s not ideal, but at least you had a good time, right?” Kaitlyn says.

“Yes. It was amazing. And not just his body. I mean, have you seen him lately?” I know Jamie was shocked when she saw him again. At six-foot-two he was always much taller than me, but the way his chest and arms became strong and powerful and the way he held my legs down at first night has my head swimming all over again.

“I haven’t, no.” Kaitlyn shakes her head. “I don’t know what happened to him. He used to come in here all the time. The black and white cookies were his favorite.”

“He’s so fucking hot now, Kaitlyn. You should see him,” I say.

“Yeah. You should,” Jamie adds.

“So not everything was bad, right?” Kaitlyn sets our empty mugs on the silver tray and brings them over to the sink behind the counter. “The worst case scenario, even if you’re right and it’s over, is that you got to have sex for the first time with this hot guy who cared about you.”

I wipe my nose with my napkin and Jamie goes into her purse for a tissue for me. “You’re right,” I say. “You’re right.” I exhale a deep breath and try to calm myself. Closing my eyes, I picture myself going back to California and hiding. But running away won’t work this time. I left this town because I wanted to expand my horizons. I wanted to see something other than the small town I grew up in and the people I’ve known all my life. But being back here has reminded me of the sweetness of home. And I’m not going to let Chris take that away from me, even if I have to see him with someone else. Even if he’s been on my mind every day for the past year and I need to push those feelings of love away. Even if he’s slipped away and become someone else, someone I thought I still know, but don’t.

I open my eyes and picture myself staying here in New York. This is where I belong, and this is where I’ll stay.