I’ve never been to a party like this. The girls next to me are chatting with me about their lives and their backgrounds. One of them is the organist for the choir at one of the local churches. I guess I never expected a choral musician to be someone who would spend their Christmas night drinking and playing video games, but it makes her very interesting. The other girl is a kindergarten teacher. Again, not something I would have guessed. They grew up together and are a few years younger than me.

“What high school did you go to?” Sarah, the organist asks. “I can’t believe we are both from this town and have never met before.” She smiles warmly and takes a pull from her beer and follows it up with a pull from her cigarette, ashing the end in an empty beer can.

“I went to Cooper,” I say, sipping my beer slowly. I’m not loving the taste, and the smoke is bothering my eyes a little, but it’s the season of trying new things.

“Cooper? My sister went there. That’s where all the smart people go.” The other girl, Sammy, crinkles her nose as her eyebrows come together at the center.

“That’s what they tell me,” I say. It’s true. It is a school for smart people. A single entrance exam, and if you passed you were in. I always thought my acceptance was a mistake. “Somehow, they let me in.”

“You stop.” I glance up and see Chris still standing by the door, taking in the scene. He winks and keeps his eyes on me as he finishes his drink. “Ready?”

“Almost,” I say, putting my beer down on the dirty carpeted floor at my feet and wiping the condensation from my hands on my jeans. Chris turns on his heel and goes out into the hallway, disappearing into the dark within a shadow.

The past two days have been so perfect and so warm despite the storm and chaos of everything and how unpredictable the course of events has turned out. I think back to yesterday, and to the silent way everything worked out since then. Maybe it was granddad looking after me somehow, or maybe not. But I hope that he’d be happy that I made that split-second decision to buy a Christmas tree for the family. Not because we were moving on and forgetting about him, but because we will always remember him and want to honor him.

Chris has figured so perfectly into everything. His smile and his body were irresistible. That was a given. As soon as I saw his sexy lips and eyes again, I knew there was no way I’d say no. But what’s more, I’ve ended up falling in love with him all over again over the past two days. I just need to figure out a way to tell him that.

And a way to tell him that I’ve decided to transfer back here for grad school.

My heart is nearly bursting out of my chest as everything finally starts to crystalize in my mind.

I look around the room and over toward the door. There’s nothing here I’m going to miss if I leave now. And if I don’t leave, I’ll be missing out on every hot, sweet, perfect moment when I’m alone with Chris. I can’t get enough of those moments.

Saying goodbye to the girls, I slip my coat onto my shoulders and wave as I leave. I don’t know where Chris is, and although I assumed he was going to stop in the bathroom quickly before we left, I don’t see the lights on behind any of the closed doors upstairs.

I go downstairs to see Josh standing awkwardly and alone in the living room, watching some football game on mute.

“Enjoying the show?” he says, his footing unsteady beneath him. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“Please,” I say, inching toward him. “Tell me what I’m thinking.” I stand next to him, his eyes glazing over and looking blankly at the TV. I don’t want to feel sorry for him, because I don’t know what he’s feeling inside. But I can guess that he feels alone. I can guess that he’s not having a good time in his own home.

“You’re thinking you have something that I don’t,” he spits, stumbling back onto the couch in the middle of the room, nearly falling over the coffee table. “You think you’ve found something so fucking great.”

“Josh…” I start, but I don’t know what to say. He seems mixed up and confused, and I don’t want to argue with him. I don’t want to make him feel worse, and I’m sure I won’t be able to make him feel better. “Thank you for inviting us.” I turn, starting toward the stairs to find Chris.

“He’s probably in the bathroom getting his dick sucked right now. Your pretty boy.”

My heart freezes deep inside my chest and my breath catches on something in my throat.

“I don’t think so,” I say, shooting a look over my shoulder.

I put a foot on the first step, but I feel heavy and slow. I don’t want to go upstairs. I want to get the hell out of here. I turn my head to the side when I see something moving out of the corner of my eye. It’s Chris. A door creaks and then clicks shut, and then Sammy appears.

“No more drama,” Chris say, moving Sammy by the arm to the couch, where she sits down next to Josh.

“Chris?” I say meekly and with a small voice. “What’s going on?”

Josh winks at me behind Chris, and the image of Sammy on her knees in front of Chris in some bedroom hidden at the back of the house flashes in front of my eyes. Maybe it’s the pounding music or the fact that I’ve just drank my second beer in my whole life, but my stomach churns into a knot and my knees go weak. Or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t know where Chris was for the past five minutes.

“Hey there, what’s wrong?” Josh rushes over to me and slips one of his huge arms around my back and over my shoulder. “I’ve got you.” He looks down into my eyes and flashes his signature smile, and a sickening swirl of heartache captures my chest.

“Can we just go?” I say quietly. I bound toward the door and into the night. The air hits me like a cold frost against my skin and I slip my arms tight around myself. I start around to the driver’s side of my truck but realize I feel too sick to drive.

“You’re passenger side tonight, babe,” Chris says, taking my keys from me and walking me around the front of the truck to the other door. “What’s the matter?”

I slip into the seat and put my knees forward toward the dashboard. I have no proof that Chris was doing anything wrong, and this could have all been a big misunderstanding. But still, the fact that I feel so rotten over just the idea that he could be with someone else is making me feel positively awful.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I just started feeling a little bit queasy back there.” My heart pounds fast in my chest, and I unzip my coat quickly to get some air. I feel like it’s suffocating me.

“Not your kind of people,” Chris says, reaching over me to buckle him in. His arm is strong and as it slips past my chest I feel a little warmth spread inside me, calming me down a little. “I get it. Next time I’ll bring you to a Cub Scouts meeting.”

I shake my head, my thoughts tumbling and rattling around inside my brain, silently scolding myself. Chris and I aren’t even technically together, and he can do whatever he wants. Whoever he wants.

“I think I just want to go home,” I say. He presses his lips together and closes the door carefully before walking around to his side and hopping in.

“Whatever you’d like. Are you sure you don’t want to stay at my place tonight?” He shoots a look over at me, surprise and concern in his voice. “Or do you want me to stay with you?”

“Not tonight,” I say. “Not tonight.”

That feeling of relief I had when I woke up this morning? Oh, how I’d love to get that back.