Luxuriating in his closeness, my nerve endings throbbed.

I longed for him in the same vein a crack addict jittered when they saw a smoking pipe.

It's the same damn feeling, I imagined.

Underneath my skin I was pure sensation. I'm not confused to what I want under my skin.

My body recognized it was only Noah.

It will only ever be Noah and I'm fucking screwed.

Because while it appeared he wanted me short term, or he's proving some weird sexual controlling point, I don't think I'm his long term.

Or maybe I'm his side-term. Someone who is loyal as a meerkat, to always be there for him with my ever-forgiving friendship bowl out offering him more, more, more.

I'm not Oliver.

And I deserved better.

Yet still, I leaned into his touch.

I'm constantly insatiably curious, as though if I pulled my mouth, or my eyes from him for a second, he'd change his mind.

I either gulped everything in one huge inhale or I lose it.

It's senseless to act that way, to let it control me, but on shakeable ground you do what you must, is what my momma always says.

“I'm too damn old to chase you all over Manhattan, Sena.” He growled, stubble teasing my cheek, his mouth on my ear. His voice grated anger. Like he’s holding on by a thread of control. It’s heady.

I shuddered in preparation to tell him he didn't have to do a damn thing with his old bones, not for me, he could have left me alone.

When.

“But I will always be one step behind you, no matter what. I'll hunt you down.”

Oh. My. God.

He flipped me until I was contorted over the arm of the soft, plush sofa, gripping into the material hard enough I wouldn’t be surprised if I left rips behind, he came down over me, pressed the hardness of his frame against my backside, using the flat of his hand to cup me crudely.

He rubbed and rubbed and rubbed.

I cried out bucking to his touch, unsure if I wanted to shake him free and make him work for it or beg for more.

“Is this meant to keep me in line, Noah?”

He didn’t so much as freeze.

I’m baiting to get a reaction.

My pain still so fresh in my chest.  

But I know by now you don’t dare a devil, they’re without a soul.

I heard him breathing in the smell of my hair, my fragrance, my collarbone, dipping his face to the back of my neck. He groaned like he’s losing his mind.

I bucked, grinding my ass against his thickness, no disguising that at all. He’s hard, so hard I too lose some of my mind.

“I never thought you’d deflect from anything, Noah. I never thought you’d do this to me. Lie to me like that. Me of all people.”

He growled animal-like, saying nothing.

Push.

The hand on my hip dug deeper, he petted my pussy harder. His breathing turned harsher in my ear, his weight on top of me a little heavier, like he’s frustrated with me. The gall of the villain. How dare he?  

A moan pulled out of me.

My head dropped forward, the momentum of his much sturdier body pinned me, and I fucking loved it, there’s nothing better than being flattened underneath warmth and muscle.

Yet, I can’t get it out of my head. Why is he doing this? Why stride in like he owned the place (duh) and tear my clothes off like the last two weeks haven’t happened. I’m stuck between horny and wanting answers, so I pushed him, I taunted him with every acid drop of hurt I felt.

Because somewhere deep this still doesn’t feel real to me.

Him wanting me doesn’t add up.

In my world I don’t get the guy. Not a guy like Noah. Not a queer guy.

Which seemed pathetic to focus on, what with the enormous amount of sex we’ve had over the weeks.

I know. I don’t make fucking sense at this point. I have so much pulling at my emotions I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

My neurosis and lack of confidence regarding us weighed constantly on my mind.

“You don’t need to do this to prove anything to me. You made your choice.” I tried for a hiss of complaint and it translated into a moan.

Push.

His hand drifted as if he didn’t even hear me speaking. Sinking into my pelvis, applying pressure. Forcing pleasure through my nervous system. I jumped and moaned. The feeling of his hands was exquisite.

I’m afforded few choices since I’ve gave Noah my verbal consent. He knows how to work me up with a few short touches.

So, I dug my feet into the plush carpet beneath us and arched into him for more. I’m spread out on the sofa like a Christmas dinner and I don’t care.

My spine softened at the base.

“This is not what you want, admit it.”

The sound of his zipper lowered was deafening and the sexiest noise I’ve heard in days.

Everything in me reacted.

Blood roared. My clit pulsed. I was so fucking wet with arousal.

“Are you telling me no, Sena?” Voice like dusk and gravel. He yanked my hips back, lined himself up, oh god. I felt his perfect, blunt tip attempt to push me open and I shamelessly shoved my ass back trying to force him inside me. My head fell forward, belly pressed into the arm.

I splayed like a sacrificial slut.

Biting the corner of my shoulder, Noah became impatient for an answer. “Goddammit, answer me now before I fuck so far into your stomach.”

Elated air puffed out of my parched lips. I just wanted to be fucked by him. Nothing much else mattered. Even if it made me the stupidest woman on the planet. “I'm not telling you no.”

Not a second later he slammed into me so deep he was everywhere inside me.

His grunt was music. “This is what you’ve reduced me to, Sena. I’m a fucking animal, I can’t be sated by anything else but you. The entire fucking drive here I was hard as a bat, it was the only thing keeping me fucking calm.” All his F-bombs, he didn’t appear calm at all.

He thrusted. He thrusted. Oh god, he thrusted so far.

I couldn’t bring myself to ask if he’d tried being sated by anyone else, it would wreck me.

What would I do if he said yes, that he’d fucked half of Manhattan this week? That he’d fucked Tom ten ways to Sunday? I hate that guy.

The dream played on my mind before I shut it down, set it on fucking fire.

Noah’s hands weren’t tentative when they reached between us, using my belly to pull me back onto his thrusts, it’s the perfect angle and before I’m able to school my reaction I began moaning breathless words.

“There. There. Oh, god, there.”

Raging hormones caused my breasts to swell. Heavy and needy. Begging for relief and as if by magic, or maybe I begged for it, his hand moved up and cupped one, squeezing and in turn grazed my nipple.

Heaven.

Bliss.

“Take it,” he rumbled working himself into me impossibly deeper. His breath hot and sweet on the side of my face, if I turned my head we could be kissing, we could be joined at all points of connection. But he reared up, used his hands on the dip in my spine to hold me down, to hit that magic spot inside me repeatedly like he hated me.

Oh, god. I’m blind. It was so good, I couldn’t take it, sure it would kill me. If he had neighbors they’d think I was being murdered.

“Then give it,” I issued, mindless. My voice ghosted, saturated in love. “Fucking give it then, Noah.”

He gave it on a hefty groan and then some.

On and on his tip punched the deep, soft place inside me. He didn’t pull free all the way, just a shallow withdraw before he knocked up against it again.

The sounds I made came from a place I didn’t recognize.

I’m an animal in heat.

A woman without restraint.

I’m hedonistic skin only.

And Noah; just as bad.

His staggered breath chuffed the back of my neck with each rail he gave me.

“I want you. I want you. I fucking want you.” I heard his declaration through love-drenched ears of a woman who knew better not to believe sexual sentiment even as my heart rose and gulped it in like the sucker I am.

I’d always wanted to weasel myself into his heart and it gave me hope that I made it as far as his bed. It was a fucking miracle, really.

Was he fucking me callously because he wanted me, missed me or wanted to punish me for ghosting him the way I did? I know one thing, Noah does not tolerate being ignored in any shape or form in business and certainly not his private life.

I’d disregarded most attempts at contact for the past two weeks. My guilt was minimized underneath my pleasure.

Punishment? The way his slams reached deep into my belly, our skin slapping together, the tightness of fingers on my hip bones it felt like his cock was teaching me a lesson of a lifetime.

I refused to let out the gasp from my throat.

His reasons can’t be more solid than mine for leaving.

Rotating his pelvis, he shoved and sent me over the edge, my keening cry that of a satisfied beast, the bliss big and powerful tackled me in hard shudders.

It’s too much all at once, but he’s commanding as always in the way he worked his body into mine forcing me to take the thickness, his movement never let up, if anything the way my inner walls collapsed down around his cock, he increased the speed making sure he milked every spasm out of me, my pleasured pussy meant he could drill me all the deeper, his grunt louder. Every sense heightened.

It’s a miracle he hasn’t come yet.

I need his passion, needed it to balance the pain I carried inside.

For a moment I was able to forget it was Noah who put it there.

He’s the reason I can’t find the pieces to fix my broken self.

He doesn’t stop.

On and on.

I love the sounds he made. Raw, savage noises pressed to my throat.

Starved licks and bites, he sucked my neck until I knew I’d be left with marks. He rolled his palms over my breasts, hauled me back and up on his cock from a different angle, using me to jack off.

Raw ecstasy enhanced my every breath.

My second orgasm burst inside me so soon after the first, too sensitive I bucked and cried out. Noah’s palm slid up my spine languidly erotic, cupped the back of my neck, anchoring me to him.

Making us one.

“Noah…” it’s all my tongue could form. Just his name on a breath.

“Oh, fuck. Missed this wetness.”

There went the damn manic butterflies.

One heavy drive and his rumble blistered my sound canal, his massive body mounted over mine, crushing me further into the cushion as he slammed, slammed, slammed and emptied inside me.

My brain blanked out.

My vision patchy in places.

Deliciously empty. My body buzzed in aftershocks, luxuriating in the heat of Noah’s pleasure soaking me.

Two weeks ago, I would have done anything for this man. I would have become catlike, boneless laying at his feet, I would have accepted any arrangement of relationship he offered because desperation suited me when I loved a man who couldn’t truly give me what I needed but I’d been willing to settle.

I could have pretended.

And then I saw his truth.

I won’t do it now.

What is it they say? What was once seen cannot go unseen.

The terrible ache in my chest is testament.

For fucks sake it had played on a loop for days.

I scrambled back to my feet, wobbly at best, when Noah detached us, he kicked off his pants all the way, leaving them on the floor.

Ahead of the protest I was about to throw at him, Noah’s capable hands raked down my ribcage and under my thighs, grappling my ass, two big handfuls of my flesh.

My feet hoisted smoothly off the ground and into the air, held against his chest he took off walking and because I was in that euphoric daze with my sappy, traitorous hormones buzzing like bees to have his attention again, I didn’t say a word as his strides ate up the tall staircase like I weighed nothing.

With Noah I’m dainty and tiny and so vulnerable my heart twitched.

It’s fucking ridiculous he’s not breathing heavily when we reached the upper floor towards the biggest room I’d been using down the far end of the hall.

 His bedroom.

He eyed the unmade bed, before he deposited me gently on the comforter. My breath hitched when he slid the arm trapped under my ass out and his fingers grazed my inner thigh.

I jerked holding back a moan.

No words were spoken.

It should feel awkward, he’d just fucked the brains out of me and we barely said a word. But it doesn’t. I’m comfortable in the silence with Noah. We’ve never had to make our friendship work. It did with no effort.

Somewhat dazed and dumbfounded I watched him stride over to the walk-in closet and not a second later he’s back hitching up a pair of light gray fitted bubble-butt pants around his lean hips.

I’m human. My mouth watered.

His body was gorgeous, a true work of art, strapping, strong, sculpted through sheer hard work and dusted in fine dark hair on his chest and forearms, broad shoulders and pecs.

I’ve always admired his physique, more so now I know how it felt to have it on top of me, to experience the weight of him churning inside my body to his tune. Just the thought had me swallowing pounding desire.

He padded towards me. I waited for him to say something, anything.

His eyes never left me, and there was a tug of feeling in my belly.

Our affectionate friendship I’ve treasured all these years.

He’s just pounded ten bells of orgasms into me and still I wanted him.

I’ll always want Noah.

His allure was my magnet. I’m drawn even when I don’t want to be.

Having him this close messed with my head.

It’s impossible to think straight let alone find the words to kick him out.

Look how nauseatingly easy it was for him to get me out of my clothes, like I could so simply compartmentalize how my heart has ached these past days.

He was near so naturally I turned into a big ole slut.

I’d never had difficulty breathing as I did right now when he approached on silent feet.

Deep-set blue eyes trained on me as if he too is waiting for me to speak.

Only my tongue won’t make the words go.

He slow-crawled his huge self into bed on hands and knees and didn’t stop moving across the mattress until his chest plastered to my back, he curled around me completely and used a hand to my soft belly to kind of haul me in those last few inches.

Fitting us together perfectly like we’ve discovered which puzzle pieces go where.

Those damn flutters, I swear.

He licked all around the shell of my ear.

Slow. Sexy.

Nipped my collarbone and sucked hard enough to bruise.

Wet. Hot.

I’d never been a fan of licking, but this licking turned me on, made me undulate against thick, muscular thighs trapping me against him.

I felt every inch of him pressing against my ass.

Oh, god. Oh, holy mother of—

“Stop.” I gasped when he sucked my neck again. I was pure, heated gooseflesh. “Noah, stop. We can’t do––” I panted again.

God, it felt too, too good. My ass had a mind of its own obviously because I’m grinding it back on the huge cock announcing its presence. I’m the weakest bitch on two legs because that’s as far as a complaint goes.

“What do you want?” A hand grasped my chin, forcing me to look up into devastating blue even when I didn’t want to. He always saw too much of me.

“I want to go home.” My voice flat.

“You’re fucking lying to me.”

Everything in me bristled like he’d chafed me with a cheese grater and left my skin raw, I knocked his hand away, he didn’t get to touch me.

Not now. “Fuck you, Noah.”

“At least that’s honest.”

“Yeah? Here’s another. Fuck you. Now let me go.”

“Never. Fucking never, kitten, talk to me.”

When I wouldn’t, he attacked.

His tongue declared warfare on every cell in my body.

I surrendered, allowing him to slide a hand between my thighs to deliver the most body-shocking orgasm in record time. I’m left feeling not like myself and altogether too good as I come down, shuddering against him, my face pressed into the bed.

My eyes fluttered closed on a sigh when he rolled me over as easily as a new-born baby, sweeping kisses on my forehead, my cheeks and under my eyes.

Do anything—anything—to me, I wanted to cry.

The pit of frantic want in my stomach bloomed to fire. I couldn’t have faith in my being that woman who forgets every stab of hurt for a good dicking.

But here I am, opening my legs for Noah as he positioned into place, as he grunted against my lips, mine opened and accepted his warm tongue, his flavor exploded in my mouth and I died a little bit more.

The desire never quit.

It’s not long before Noah reached between us, his mouth still eating at mine, tongues danced to the tune of our making, and he dragged the tip of his cock through my wetness. Attacked with a shudder, I lifted and rippled to accept him.

His touch was everywhere all at once, overtaking my senses, he ran it up the valley between my breasts, across each nipple in turn, the roughness of his palm caused me to break out in pre-orgasmic tremors.

His touch was fire.

When he caressed my belly, I sucked in a breath, reminded what we have in there and it almost ugly-dropped me back to earth with a crash.

We can’t do this. We shouldn’t do this. Not when there’s so much we have to say—

“I’m going to fuck you one more time, kitten,” I looked at him through glassy eyes. My blinks were slow motion. His voice sounded otherworldly or I’m just that punch drunk on sex that all I did was nod my reply, fervent for more of his strokes. He palmed my belly again, and sort of pets me slowly, lovingly. “And then you’ll tell me every day of what I’ve missed about you and my baby in here.”

My lungs stopped working.

Noah didn’t take it into consideration that he’s caused my heart to stop beating when he began sliding into me.

Slow at first, allowing my body to stretch around him.

Even his moaned “oh, fuck.” Didn’t really register.

He knows? He knows I’m pregnant?

Shit, shit, shit, my mind was a sudden hot mess.

I floated somewhere on the ceiling sure this was all just a big fucking dream where Noah really wanted me, and I wasn’t emotionally muddled.

I just bet I’m laid puking on the bathroom floor just like last night and—

He shoved in hard, bringing my face up to look at him and that’s how Noah fucked me. Intense. Focused, making sure I watched the whole thing.

His grunts fell over my lips as we kissed.

It sure wasn’t slow sex.

It’s more of the wild fucking we did on the living room sofa

He railed me, and I took it and gave screams back.

He seemed charged with my cries, pushing in deeper, harder.

There’s no other choice.

With Noah I will always take it.

As senseless as it might make me after what I know. I still took it.

Because love isn’t logical as much as I wish it were. As much as I wish I could use my brain for good and make myself stop loving the unattainable.

Love doesn’t work that way.

It makes you dumb and pitiful for the risk to be loved and valued. And the thing that makes great sex so dangerous is; I felt loved and cared for and beautiful while he moaned my name.

When he moved in a certain angle to reach his pleasure I felt adored.

Noah repeated my name over and over and over, a hot, starved sounding mantra, kissing down my chest, he took as much of my breast into his mouth that would fit and sucked hard. And I held the back of his head and watched the erotic feast.

“I never meant to hurt you, kitten,” he finally groaned his guilt into my throat minutes later. The words barely audible.

My body constricted.

I shuddered, close my tear-filled eyes.

Heart hurting.

What’s there to say, other than cradle the back of his skull, holding my friend close to me, my own emotions ripping me up and I acknowledged, “I know you didn’t…”