I’d been trying to figure out where to start, but everything felt like the wrong place. And with Lew sitting across the table, watching me with an expression that was part hopeful but mostly suspicious, I had to come up with something that would explain enough, fast enough that he’d sit and listen through the rest of it.

Maybe I should start with now and work backwards.

I opened with, “I never did get to tell you why I didn’t come home all that time.”

His eyebrows went up—the sarcasm nearly screamed from his expression—but he didn’t say anything, just kept steadily munching away at his croissant. I hoped I’d brought enough—they were his favorite and it was even odds they’d be enough of a distraction to let me get everything out before he went ballistic on my ass.

“So, I guess I wasn’t entirely as stupid as I liked to think I was,” I told him. “I mean, what I did, that was stupid. And mean. And selfish. And really stupid. There aren’t any excuses for it, and I think I knew that at some level all along, because every time I thought about coming home, I was downright terrified.”

He snorted and made a face in my direction, but he hadn’t thrown anything at me yet, so that was a good sign.

“No, really, I was. Took me until the funeral to figure out that what was scaring me was facing you again, knowing I didn’t have a leg to stand on.”

“You didn’t look scared.” He reached into the box for another croissant and bit the end off like he was ripping into me.

“I was.” I took another sip of my coffee, now getting cold. “And I’m a bit of a coward, I think, when it comes to you. Especially after that.” I played with my pastry, breaking off bits and feeding it to this one particularly stubborn duck, who kept walking back and forth underneath the table looking for crumbs. “And to be honest, I didn’t want to look that closely at myself. I love what I do. I was afraid that coming back here and seeing what I’d done to get what I have would poison it for me.”

He was quiet for a moment, shredding his pastry into a little pile of flakes on the napkin in front of him. “I wouldn’t do that to you. What happened between us, Hollywood didn’t have anything to do with that. Whatever I am to you, it’s not what you needed while you were there.” He played with the little pile in front of him.

“I think it was, though.” Here I knew I was getting onto shaky ground. “I don’t know how to explain it. I go to work and I’m so happy I could just sing all day long. There’s nothing else like it. But outside of that…” I shook my head, at a loss for words. “I don’t know. It always felt like something was missing. It felt more like acting off-set than it did on.” I drank another mouthful of my coffee and stared out over the pond. “That doesn’t make a lot of sense, I guess.”

Lew shrugged and stuffed a piece of croissant into his mouth. “No, not really.” He fed something to the duck, then wrapped his hands around his coffee and looked directly at me. “Why did you do it? And do it the way you did?”

Shit. I was hoping to sneak up on this a little. Lew obviously wasn’t going to give me any room for excuses at all.

Not that I had any.

I was going to have to get past this part at some time. Might as well do it now. I’d just hoped to have more time to convince him I was worth a second chance.

“You’re going to be mad.”

“I’m already mad.”

True, I guessed. “I was afraid.”

Lew snorted and half-turned on the bench, swinging his leg over it so he was facing up the hill away from the pond. “Right. That’s believable.”

“Yeah. I know.” I sipped at my coffee and watched Lew. “I really miss Grandma.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” he snapped.

“Because she understood what it’s like out there in Hollywood. It’s not the same as here.”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“I know. I know. And it’s all my fault, because I let them talk me into it.”

“Who is them?” Lew snarled at me.

“People you meet in Hollywood. People who know more than you, who know what will jump-start a career and what will kill one stone dead.” I looked down at the table top. “It started almost as soon as I was there. I called the people that Grandma put me in touch with and started talking to agents, started getting auditions, callbacks. It felt so good.” I snuck a peek in Lew’s direction. He was still staring off up the slope, his throat working like he was fighting some heavy emotion. “But young and single and available is what sells. It’s sexy, it’s hot, it’s stories in the tabloids and on the entertainments shows. It’s a way up the ladder, a way to get your name linked to someone who’s higher up in the food chain than you are.” I felt ugly saying it, as ugly as I’d felt at the time. But the spotlight, the fame, the phone ringing and people knowing my name had been a high like nothing I’d ever experienced. “All the plans we’d made, they were small town plans. Marriage, house, kids, job. That doesn’t happen in Hollywood.”

His jaw flexed, but he didn’t make a sound, just kept staring off into the distance.

I was screwing this up. “After about six months, I was pretty sure that we couldn’t work. Not if I was going to have the kind of career I’d been dreaming of.”

“You couldn’t even do it face to face.” Lew’s voice was thick with tears, but I couldn’t see his face with the sun going down behind him.

“I know,” I whispered. “Like I said, I was scared. Scared that if I saw you, I’d throw it all over for what we had. Scared that I’d try to bring you back with me and fuck up both my career and us.” I looked up at the sky, the clouds blurring as tears filled my eyes. “Terrified that I might somehow keep my career, and screw up whatever we had. That I’d lose you to someone who’d hurt you and I’d have to stand by and watch.”

“You really thought that little of me? That I was that easy? Or weak?” he said. His voice was small and broken sounding. That was my fault. I’d done that to him.

“No. No.”

He jumped to his feet, nearly tripping over the bench as he started to stumble away. “Shut up. Just shut up and leave me alone.”

“No, wait!” I scrambled around the end of the table, knocking over Lew’s coffee. It seemed a bit allegorical at the moment—the things I did ruining the things he had. “Lew!”

He spun, eyes wide and mouth twisted with emotion. “What? Do you have more horrible things to say?”

“Yes!” Not about him though. “I was stupid. I regret every moment of it. I didn’t think you were weak.” I reached for him and he flinched away from me.

“Bullshit!” he spat and turned toward the cars.

“Lew! I thought I was weak.” I ran after him, “Please, let me explain.” Grovel. I needed to grovel some more. “It wasn’t you, it was me.”

“That’s what they all say.”

I reached for his arm and he shook me off.

“Don’t you touch me!”

We’d gotten to the cars now and Lew began digging in his pocket for his keys.

I tried to step between him and the car but he shoved me away so hard I nearly fell. “Lew, please, listen to me. Just a little longer. Please?”

He ignored me, but his hands were shaking so badly he dropped the keys before he could unlock the car. “Why? So you can make yourself feel better?” He whirled on me, once again my fierce Llewellyn.

I shook my head and fell to one knee. “So I can beg for your forgiveness. Please, Lew, I’d give anything to make this right. What can I do?”

He crouched in front of me, tears streaming down his face. “Nothing.” He grabbed his keys up off the ground and stood up while the car beeped. His eyes never left mine as he opened the door to get in, and then he peeled out of there like the cops were after him, and left me behind like I was the last person he ever wanted to see in his life.

I’d blown it. And all I could see before me was a life of empty relationships and loneliness, without my firecracker to keep me warm. I stumbled into my car and sat staring blindly out the windshield as night fell, hoping for a burst of inspiration. But when I finally started it to go home, I still didn’t have any answers.