HER

When Gabriel was five years old he told me he was going to be an explorer when he grew up. When I asked him why, he said it was because he wanted to have a coin with his head on it. Not a mountain range, not a river named after him, but a coin. Something that had his head on it, everywhere, hidden behind couch cushions and car glove compartments.

Right now, I kind of wish his head was on every coin or milk carton as it were.

It might make it easier to find him.

The last four hours have been spent turning up any stone that might help us find out where he is. Not that he has any friends or work mates I can call.

It’s like he doesn’t even exist.

We’re driving back to Kaine’s apartment, in case he’s returned. It’s 11 p.m. and dark, and somewhere out there, in the 8 million people crammed into this city, is my little brother.

“Are you okay?” Kaine asks, moving closer so my exhausted head can fall onto his shoulder.

“No.”

“He’ll turn up.”

“Alive?”

“You have to believe so.”

I sigh, using the little energy I have left in my body to force out all the toxic air and breathe in fresh oxygen.

“You were wrong. My mother wouldn’t be proud of me at all. I couldn’t even take care of my little brother. I changed my mind. I don’t want to meet her again. I don’t deserve to.”

“It’s not your fault. He makes his own decisions. You’ve done everything you can.”

His words just wash over me, and I retain none of them. Just close my eyes and hope that when I wake up, Gabriel will be there.

***

The car comes to a stop outside Kaine’s apartment building and I jump out before Henry or he can open the door for me. I run through the door held open by the doorman and press the elevator button a hundred times until it dings, the doors opening and letting me in. I hear Kaine run up, calling me, but the elevator doors close before he can get there. He’ll get the next one, I tell myself, wringing my fingers as I watch the light illuminate the floor numbers as the elevator ascends.

“GABRIEL!” I yell, even before the doors open on the penthouse floor.

“Gabriel! Are you here?!” I yell again, running through the dark apartment and into the guest bedroom where I had last seen him, just this morning.

I hold my breath as I step into the dark room and for a moment, the bundled-up blankets give me hope.

But he’s not there.

There’s no note, no clue as to where he could have gone. Only his stained clothes in a pile in the corner and the dent of his head on the pillow to suggest he was ever here.

I slide into the unmade bed and pull the crumpled pillow against my chest, almost trying to stuff it into my ribcage, to fill up the space he’s left behind.

“Gabriel...” I hear myself whimper, even as the tear start to fall. “I’m sorry Gabriel, I’m sorry, Mom...” I sob.

Someone calls my name but I ignore it. I just bury my face in my brother’s pillow and close my eyes, pretending that he’s just in the next room sleeping or playing, and forgetting that without our mother, it’s only the two of us now.

“Jade,” Kaine whispers again. And this time he slides into the bed next to me, curling his body around mine. “I’m going to be right here.”

His breath on my neck over the next few hours becomes my source of comfort.

***

“Gabriel!” I sit up in the bed, waking up with a start, a few hours later. It’s almost completely dark, but I can feel a body next to me. It’s Kaine. His eyes are closed and his breath steady.

My worry fades for a moment, as I reach out and touch the stubble on his cheek, leaning over to kiss him softly. I slide to the end of the bed and tiptoe out to the living room, standing by the window, looking out into the city spread out in front of me.

“Where are you, Gabriel? Tell me where you’ve gone,” I whisper, hoping the bond that ties us will carry my message to him.

There’s a flash of the memory of him laying practically unconscious on the stinking, soiled mattress at the crack den. And that split second before he took a breath, when I thought he might be dead.

“Dammit, what am I doing here? I should be there, waiting for him! He wasn’t there when we went before, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be there now!” I rationalize out loud.

I run to the elevator, pressing the button frantically, the urgent need to find him completely clouding all logic, all reason.

“Jade? Jade! Where are you going?” Kaine comes out, rubbing his eyes. When he pulls his hand away, I see they’re red, dark circles surrounding then and it tears at me a little to know I’m the reason. My brother and I, turning his life upside down.

“I’m going... to find Gabriel. I’m going back to where we found him yesterday,” I tell him, facing the elevator, willing the doors to open faster.

“Jade, we’ve looked everywhere, it’s not safe now. I’ve got a few guys out looking for him, but it’s better for you and me to stay here in case he comes back.”

“He’s not coming back!” I yell at him. He wouldn’t understand, he doesn’t know what it’s like, to wait as hours become days, as days become months of not knowing. Never knowing.

“You don’t know that,” he says, coming closer, his hand inching towards me.

“I do, I do know that. I’ve lived this life for six years. And every time, he comes back, he’s just that little bit worse. Don’t you see? Maybe this is the time he won’t come back at all.”

The elevator light flashes and the ding echoes in the marble hallway.

We freeze as we watch the doors open and as I take a step forward, Kaine blocks me.

“Get out of the way, Kaine. I need to go find my brother.”

“No. I’m not letting you go. You’re tired and you’re still recovering from your own injury, and it’s just not safe. No.”

“LET ME GO, KAINE!” I yell and grab his shoulder with both my arms, pushing him away. But he’s too strong. He doesn’t budge, even as I curl my fingers into his chest, digging my nails into his flesh as far as I can. “Ahhhhh!” I scream, tearing so hard on his shirt that I feel the burn of my nail break on the fabric. But the pain only spurs me on.

“Let me go, Kaine, please, let me go...” I beg, sobs wracking from my chest.

He doesn’t say a word, grabbing at my wrists and pulling them away from me, slamming my body against the wall.

“Stop,” he says, firmly but calmly, deep into my ear. His hot breath travelling all through my body.

“No... he needs me, my brother needs me, let me go, please.” I sob, fighting against his hands.

“No, Jade, I can’t. I have to protect you. You’re staying here with me.”

“If you don’t let me go, I’ll hate you forever,” I hiss, staring him deep in the eyes for the first time since he showed up at the elevator.

“Then hate me. Hate me so much you want to kill me. Hate me so much you want me to die. Hate me until your dying day, if you must. But you’re going to do it safe and alive.”

He leans in, his lips brushing against my ear with every word, sending shivers down my spine. And I vow to hate him until the end of my days.

My wrists burn from his restraining me. And I stop struggling. I want to hurt him so much, my mouth waters. How can he do this to me, stop me from looking for my own flesh and blood? All I can think of is how to make him pay.

“Let go of my hands, Kaine,” I say, my voice coming out in a hiss.

“Are you going to run?”

“No,” I lie.

“I don’t believe you, you think I don’t know you by now?”

“You won’t know until you let me go, will you?”

“Fine. But let me remind you, there’s not a chance in hell you’re leaving this apartment tonight,” he threatens me. And in my right mind, I might believe him; as it is, all I hear is a challenge.

“Then let me go and prove it.”

He drops his hands away from my wrists, and steps away from me.

The bile rises in my throat, and I pull my hand away from the wall and slash my nails down the side of his face in one blinding arc.

“You fucking bastard!” I scream and run to the elevator door.

Without a word, a sound, he grabs me by the hand and throws me like a ragdoll over his shoulder, carrying me back into the main part of his apartment. I thump my hands on his back, kicking my legs as hard as I can, but it doesn’t stop him. I feel completely overpowered.

“Put me down!” I scream.

“No.”

“Please... I won’t do it again, I promise!” I beg.

“Oh, I know you won’t””

He takes me into his bedroom and throws me down on the mattress, I scramble to get to my feet, but he’s holding me down, my legs trapped under his and his hands holding my wrists down again over my head.

“Jade,” he says. Calm. Quiet. Strong.

I just hiss in response.

“Listen to me, Jade.”

I shake my head. Refusing to let his words enter my head. It doesn’t stop him.

“We will find your brother, hopefully soon. But you can NOT go out there tonight. It’s too unsafe, and you know that. I told you once and I’m telling you again, I will never let anything happen to you ever again.”

And then his mouth is on mine.

I scream but the sound is muffled in our kiss. Heat rises through my chest, and I try to stop the feeling of need rising through my core.

“So, we’re going to stay here,” he pants as he moves his mouth off mine for second. “And I’m going to do what I’ve wanted to do since the moment I saw you.”

And even in this moment, I can’t deny my need to know. “What’s that?”

“I’m going to fuck you.”

The words flash like a meteor shower in my head, and I can’t help but give in to the sentiment. I want to hate him, and in some way, I do. But just as he said, I’ve wanted this since I first knew who he was. And knowing he wants the same has me instantly wet.

I want him inside me.

We stare at each other for a moment; there’s a drop of blood where I slashed his face, but he ignores it.

And then it starts.

His hands all over my body, his mouth, his lips, his tongue. He’s everywhere at once. His groans fill my brain and all I know is that I want to feel his skin on mine.

I tear at his shirt again, this time trying to peel it off his body. He sits up for a minute and pulls it over his head. His chest is bare and sculpted, just like I remember from the shower, from the roof. I pull myself up and trace the line of his abdomen with my fingers and it ripples under my touch. He pulls my finger off his body and to his mouth, wrapping the entire length with his lips.

The throbbing between my legs is becoming almost painful, my hip lifts without my doing and he knows, he knows I need him to touch me there.

Scooting down the length of my body, he hefts my skirt up around my waist, kissing the top of my inner thigh.

He stops moving for a moment, looking at me from between my legs. “You’re so beautiful, Jade. Like a fucking angel,” he growls, before he pushes aside my damp panties, spreading me apart and plunging his tongue inside me.

“Oh my God!” I hear myself scream, and a wave of tremors travel along every nerve of my entire body. His hot breath washes over my wetness, and I feel his tongue retreat and then circle over my aching bud.

My hands find his head somehow, and tangle in his hair.

Then I lay back, just letting the pleasure wash over me as he alternates between gyrating a finger deep inside me and sucking on my clit.

My hips grind against him, and I feel like I’m nothing but pure sex, demanding more.

“Kaine, God, Kaine, I’m so close.”

My words make him pull away and I regret it.

I whimper and he shushes me with a kiss, his body easing on top of me, as I feel his hands fumble with his pants.

“Easy, girl. You have nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. I’m going to give you everything you want.” He gently eases my legs apart, bending them at the knees.

I don’t know what to do, I just lie there watching him, wanting him. My hand comes up to push the hair from my eyes, and he grabs it and holds it tight in his hands.

“I don’t have... I don’t have protection. I can only promise you that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, and I know you have nothing to worry about.”

“I can promise you the same” is all I can say. He knows, he knows from the look in my eyes, that I’ve never trusted anyone more.

“I’ve wanted this so much, fantasized about it, dreamed of it... stroked my cock over it, so many times.”

“You have?” I ask, a sudden shyness overcoming me at the thought of him fantasizing about me, as if I won’t be able to live up to it.

“God, yes. I want you so much, I’d give up everything in my life to be inside you.”

“Then hurry up and do it. Fuck me, Kaine. Please, I want you to fuck me.”

And as if it is those exact words he’s been waiting for, he lets go of my hand, pressing down hard on my legs to spread my knees wide, before slamming his hips against mine, plunging his cock deep inside of me.

“Ugh!” He grunts. And his cock burns as it pulls out of me before plunging in again. “God, Jade, you oh, fuck!”

“Kaine. Yes. Don’t stop. I want you. Fuck me.”

“I couldn’t stop, baby, I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

He takes my legs, pulling them up into the air as he pistons in and out of me. I grit my teeth from the force, gripping the side of the bed. The bed sheets are so smooth; with each thrust, my body slides up the bed and he pulls me back, impaling me on his hardness.

Everything becomes a blur, his thrusts, his groans, the way my sex clings and cleaves to him. The pleasure building and building... until...

“I’m coming, Kaine.” I strain to whisper, and it takes everything I have.

“Yes, baby, come. God, please come for me. I want to hear it, feel it,” he growls.

He reaches between us and pinches my clitoris between his fingers and every muscle in my body explodes as if it’s been holding back for years. I feel my legs thrash in his hands and my back arcs as I completely let go, letting the vibrations of my orgasms crash over me.

He lets go of my legs and I feel myself melt into the bed.

Somehow while I’m starting to regain consciousness, I realize he’s on top of me, still inside me, but his body is trembling, as he stares at me.

“Are you okay?” I breathe out, hoping to form words.

“Yes, I had to stop, or else I’d miss it,” he tells me, his voice catching on very second syllable, like he’s flexing every muscle.

“Miss what, honey?”

“Watching you come for me.”

I smile and stroke his sweat glistened temple.

“Now it’s your turn. Come for me. Fuck me and come for me,” I urge him.

His eyes fall shut and there’s a muscle twitching in his jaw. He pulls himself up onto his hands, as his hips start to move again, and I can feel him enter me deeper. His chest heaves as he starts to move faster, faster and faster, his forehead crinkling as he tilts his head back.

As he fucks me.

I wrap my legs around him and squeeze and he throws his head back and roars, his whole body tensing, and I know. I know he’s emptying himself. Giving me everything. His hips jerk; short jerking thrusts into me as he forces his eyes open, locking them with mine. I caress his cheek, smiling at him.

And then he collapses.

His whole body dropping on top of mine, crushing the air momentarily from my lungs.

“Ugh,” I exhale.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says, moving off me,

“No,” I wrap my legs around him tighter. “Don’t go. Stay. Stay inside me.”

He doesn’t move, his head collapsed on my shoulder, our breaths synching, fast and shallow at first, then slowing, deep and steady.

It’s ten, fifteen minutes before either of us move or speak.

And it’s not me who moves.

And it’s not me who speaks.

And it’s not me who says, “I love you.”