HIM

She doesn’t say anything after I made my declaration and I wonder if I’m lucky enough that she’s actually fallen asleep.

I hadn’t meant to say it. Didn’t even know I felt it. Not until I heard my own voice did I realize I was actually moving my mouth, and the thought that I’d been repressing for days now had travelled from my brain to my lips.

But. There is no denying it.

For the first time, in a very long time, I love someone.

Anyone.

One person.

In the whole world.

It’s been ten years since I’ve said it. And ten years since I’ve felt it.

But I do now.

And there’s no hiding it from myself.

But, I had hoped to hide it from everyone else, for some time, if not, forever.

Especially the person I feel it for.

But she hasn’t said anything, so I may have actually lucked out.

“What did you say?” she whispers, after some time.

Of course, no such luck.

I move, sliding off her and onto the bed. The sheets are cool compared to the searing heat of our bodies glued together. Moving to the top of the bed, I prop myself up against the headboard, and pull her over to me. She complies, and lays her head on my chest.

“You heard me,” is all I say.

“You said...”

“Yes.”

“Do you really?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

“But.”

“No, buts. It just is what it is. You don’t have to respond.” Especially if it’s to tell me you don’t feel the same way.

“I... you told me to hate you,” she refers to our pre-sex fight.

“You remember that, do you? I was hoping that my searing hot sex would make you forget.

“Well, no. I heard you loud and clear. And I do... or I did...”

“You do hate me?”

“No, of course not. I mean, I don’t know. I did in that moment.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t hate you. Just... just the part of you that didn’t let me leave.”

“That’s all of me, Jade. That part that didn’t want you to go running out into the middle of an unsafe area? That wanted you to just stay here with me? That’s all of me. It’s been me from the very first moment I saw you. And every moment since.”

“I... I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s a first,” I joke, to lighten the mood. “So, let’s take advantage of it and go to sleep. You must be exhausted.”

“What about you?”

“I’m used to being exhausted. I’ve actually... huh. I’ve actually slept more in those stolen moments with you, than I have since you came barrelling into my life.”

“Hey! I didn’t barrel, you barrelled into mine! I’m sorry I’ve stopped you sleeping. Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know. I guess that’s just what you do to me... when you’re not around. But when you are, I’m at peace.”

“And if I left now, would you sleep?”

“Probably never again.”

“Then you’d die.”

But not from lack of sleep, I think to myself.

“Yeah, so, maybe take that into consideration,” I suggest to her.

“I-I’m going to stay.”

“Okay.”

“Just until the morning.”

“Okay.”

“Then, I guess we’ll take it from there.”

“Okay.”

“Kaine?”

“Yes?”

“Did you really mean it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

***

“How long have you known that you feel this way?” she asks half an hour later, when it’s clear neither of us are able to fall asleep.

“I don’t know, I just... did, one day.” The first day, comes the traitorous thought.

“What day?”

“You ask a lot of questions, Miss Sinclair and as I recall, you’ve used up your allotted three.”

“Kaine,” she says, not taking any of my shit.

“I really don’t know, Jade. Maybe it was at first sight, maybe it was when I saw you jump up onto the couch and scold a blanket.” The words come out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“What are you talking about?”

“Um, that first night you squatted here, the next morning? You woke up, and jumped onto the couch and threw the blanket on the floor.”

There’s a pause as she rifles through her memory. “How could you have possibly known that?”

“Um.” Shit.

“Kaine, how? Have you been... watching me?”

There’s really no way of denying it at this point. “I have. I have security cameras all over my office and apartment. So yes.”

“Oh my God!” she exclaims and pulls out of my arm and sits up staring at me. “What else did you see?”

I cringe. It’s not that I’m hiding it from her, I had just hoped to break it to her at another time. “I also saw you dancing in an apron, making pork chops.

“Ugh,” she covers her face as a blush rises up her cheeks. “And?”

“And... I saw you... not being repulsed when you saw my scar.”

She drops her hands from her face and looks at me. “I wasn’t.”

“I know,” I reach out for her, and she hesitates for a moment before falling back against me. “I also notice you were too busy looking at something else.”

“Shush. We’re not done talking about this yet.”

“Fine.”

“And I did like what I saw.”

“Perv,” I tease her, nuzzling her neck.

“That’s not what I meant, creep!” she giggles.

“I know. Go to sleep.”

And we do.