Chapter Thirty-Four
Helene
“Well… I must say…” Hilde walked around, studying her surroundings as she moved. “…I like it. I remember being in here once when we were kids, and this… Well, this is a change for the better for sure.” Hilde opened the fridge, placing the Tupperware of chicken salad on the shelf and then placing the bag of croissants on top of the fridge. Her eyes continued to rove the entire time.
“He does good work—really good work,” I agreed as I watched her. The idea of Hilde and Kane getting along was a bit of a secret fantasy of mine, and seeing Hilde genuinely impressed with him almost made me giddy.
“These cupboards are amazing,” Hilde said as she ran her hand along the edge of a drawer front. “What are the countertops going to be?”
“A charcoal gray soapstone. It’s supposed to be delivered on Monday. He really is close to having this wrapped up.”
Hilde turned to look at me, and then she did it. She destroyed the giddy. “And then what?”
I stared at her. “And then what what?”
“He moves in with you after he sells the place?”
I stared at her, trying to hide the excitement I’d felt only moments before and feeling completely dejected. I finally shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Hilde nodded slowly. “Huh.”
“Huh?”
“Just, huh.” She turned away, wandering toward the living room. “So … how do you see this playing out between you two?”
The excitement was officially gone, and I gaped at her for a moment before following her into the living room. “Hilde … how could I possibly know that?”
“I just mean, do you see yourself with someone like Kane for the rest of your life?”
“Gee, Hil, could you be more judgmental? Someone like Kane? Does the emphasis on his name mean something in particular?” My voice was getting louder by the second.
“You’re a doctoral student, Helene. He’s a … a high school dropout without a job. As your sister and someone who loves you dearly, I want to know how this works for the two of you. I watched this man nearly destroy you once already.” Hilde’s voice was now as loud as mine, and when I glanced to her eyes, it was to see tears in them, but her expression remained angry. “And then he just shows up, and … and all is forgotten?” Her voice was shrill.
“No!” I snapped back. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, is forgotten with us. We live in our past every day.” A tear trickled down my cheek, and I brushed it angrily away.
“Not usually a very good place to dwell.”
I glared at her until she finally looked down, sighed, and shook her head.
“You don’t have any idea what it was like,” she continued, her voice far quieter. “Every day I worried mom and dad were going to call, and that was going to be it. I thought … she’s going to kill herself. Every time the phone rang, I knew it was going to be about you.” She shrugged. “I don’t know how to forgive him for that.” Hilde shook her head, brushing away her own tears that had finally fallen. “If he hurts you again…” She trailed off as her eyes wandered, but her head was still shaking.
“Hilde… You need to understand something. Kane’s leaving played an exceptionally small part in what I went through at that time. It isn’t fair to blame him for what happened to me. He wasn’t the reason. He just wasn’t.”
Hilde’s eyes shifted back and forth between mine, searching for some hidden truth I wasn’t willing to divulge.
“What does that mean?” She practically whispered out the question.
I looked away, refusing to speak.
“Why won’t you talk about this?”
My eyes were already warm, and when Hilde’s glossed over again, mine did too. “It was a long time ago.”
“Yeah,” Hilde said with a touch of sarcasm. “In a past you’re living out in your present.” Her eyebrows shot up, but then she looked away.
“I love him,” I said quietly, not bothering to look at Hilde as I spoke. Hell, I was a little shocked I’d said it out loud. “I don’t know what a life looks like with him.” I finally looked at her. “But I know I want that life anyway. And you’re going to have to deal with that.”
Hilde took a deep breath.
“He’s not going to hurt me. He’s not going to leave me. I know him. He knows how hard it was on me when he left the first time. He wouldn’t do that again. I trust that.” Nothing I said to her was a question. But my tone was pleading nevertheless.
“You truly believe that?”
I nodded.
There was suddenly a knock on the door, and I gave Hilde only a moment of eye contact before I looked away and walked toward the door.
The man standing in front of me looked familiar, but for the life of me I couldn’t place him.
“Well, hi Sam,” Hilde said as she stepped up beside me. “How are you?”
“Hilde, good to see you.”
And then I remembered him. He’d graduated in Hilde’s class. Sam Clausen.
“Helene, right? Hilde’s younger sister. I remember you.”
I held my hand out to him. “That’s me. The obnoxious little sister.”
He chuckled as he shook my hand, but then his brow furrowed in what appeared to be confusion. “Can’t say I expected to see either of you here. Is Kane around?”
“No. He had to run to town. I was just helping him out with a few things this weekend. Hilde stopped by to bring us some lunch.”
“I see. Glad to see you two are still friends. You two were thick as thieves if I recall.”
I smiled, backing away from the door so Sam could enter. He had a folder in his hand, and as he stepped by me, he commented. “I’m going to be the listing agent on the house. If you’re curious why I’m here.” He laughed. “Mind if I look around. I’d like to take some notes, so I can start researching comps. Haven’t been here since just before he started renovations, so I’d like to see the changes.”
“Of course.”
“Hey, Sam, it was great to see you,” Hilde chimed in. “I’m heading out, but I’m sure I’ll run into you soon enough.” She patted Sam on the back.
“Tell Mark I said hi. Sue and I would love to have you both over for dinner sometime. Mention it to him, will you?”
“I’ll do that. Sounds wonderful.”
Hilde gave me a small hesitant smile, and she squeezed my elbow. The smile I returned likely wasn’t very convincing, and once she was out the door, I sighed. I hung back in the living room as Sam showed himself around, and it wasn’t more than five minutes before he found me again.
“Wow.” His eyebrows shot up. “I’m impressed. He’s made smart decisions in where he chose to put his dad’s money. This is going to significantly increase the sale value.” He was still looking around, and when he finally looked back at me, he smiled. “Oh,” he said as he glanced down to the file folder in his hands. “Almost forgot. These are the absent seller agreement docs he started filling out.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Well, you know, when the seller isn’t expected to be present or easily reachable during the listing period, showing, negotiating and sales process, these documents give me a few additional negotiating rights, so I don’t have to worry about constantly being in contact with the seller.”
I nodded. “Oh, sure. Because his father is in skilled care.”
“Oh, no, Helene. Kane’s the power of attorney. He doesn’t need his father’s permission to sell the home. I mean because Kane isn’t going to be present.”
My heart stopped.
I stared at Sam’s chest blankly for a moment. My pulse was racing, and my stomach seemed to be trying to stuff itself up my esophagus all of a sudden. I was panicking.
“Right,” I feigned understanding, hiding the absolute confusion I was really feeling.
“Has he mentioned to you yet where he’s going? When I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago, he knew he wouldn’t be around, but … he couldn’t seem to nail down where he was going to be or how I would be able to reach him. I just thought perhaps he had some additional information on that.”
I stared at Sam, trying to get a response to form on my tongue, but I couldn’t. My brain was simply shutting down. I finally settled on, “A couple of weeks ago? That’s when you spoke to him last about this?”
A couple of weeks. Not a few months ago. Not even one month ago. Only two weeks ago?
“Yeah. Listen, the only reason I ask is that section five specifically requires at least the location of where the seller is going to be and a contact number of someone who can get a message to the seller. I don’t know if he’s going to be somewhere remote or if he simply hasn’t decided where he’s going to be, but given how quickly the renovations are coming together, I’m going to need something soon.” He smiled at me.
“Right.” Hadn’t I already said that?
“But I don’t want him to worry. I feel confident this house is going to show well, and once we get this property on the market, I don’t expect it to stay on the market long. Can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to keep this place,” he said incredulously as he looked around again. “Though…” He looked back at me once more. “…if his heart is set on leaving us here in Hazleton again, I suppose he’s prepared to part with it and everything else our lovely town has to offer. Right?”
I looked down at the floor, staring at the spot between us. “Yes. I suppose that’s right.” I held my hand out finally. “I’ll see to it he gets the documents.”
I took the folder from Sam, and then I followed him to the door.
“Really is great to see you again, Helene. Tell Kane I’m sorry I missed him, but he’s doing a wonderful job on the renovations. I look forward to speaking with him soon.”
I nodded. “I’ll tell him.”
I forced a very pathetic smile to my lips, and Sam’s brow flinched when he saw it. He dismissed it quickly though. “Have a great afternoon, Helene.”
“You too.”
And then I shut the door. I had no idea how long I stood there staring at the floor, but I eventually stumbled over to a canvas folding chair that was sitting by the fireplace. I sank into the seat, and I held the folder on my lap.
When I opened the folder, I found a stapled bunch of papers. They were partially completed in Kane’s handwriting, and they were dated a little less than two weeks prior. I reviewed each page, looking for some clue, any clue, as to why he’d filled them out. My heart raced as I flipped the pages one at a time. On one particular page the applicant had to write in the reason for completing the absent seller forms. He’d written in, “I won’t be living in Hazleton when the property is listed, nor will I be residing within close proximity to Hazleton. I will also not be easily reached by phone.”
On section five, the section Sam had referred to, Kane had put a sticky note on the page. “I won’t be in town, but I don’t yet know where my physical location will be. I’ll complete this section at a later date. I also don’t know what phone number can be used to get a message to me as of yet.”
Sam had written a response. “Please complete this section and return to me as soon as you’re able—not later than when we list the house.”
I finally closed the document placing it back in the folder, and then I stared some more. I contemplated leaving. I contemplated calling him. But I didn’t. Instead, I sat there in a stupor contemplating everything there was to contemplate over and over and over again.
My life with Kane was slipping away again, and no matter how hard I tried to keep the panic from taking over, and no matter how hard I tried to rationalize what I was seeing and tell myself something had changed for Kane since he’d filled this out, I couldn’t get those thoughts to stick.
He’d filled out the document less than two weeks before.
When I heard his dad’s truck pull up, I was still staring at nothing and my brain was still spinning. It was as if every ounce of energy I possessed was being directed to the anxiety coursing through my body, and the rest of me could barely move as a result. I was paralyzed by it.
I stared at the door, waiting for it to open, and as it did, I held my breath. Kane looked at me as he stepped in, and he smiled. That smile fell two seconds later.
“Hell? Are you—”
“Sam Clausen stopped by,” I said as I stood. My voice sounded oddly flat given just how much I was screaming inside my head.
“Yeah. He’s going to list the house—”
“He’d really like you to finish the absent seller documents. He needs to know where you’re going to be moving for the paperwork and what phone number can best be used to get a message to you. Seeing as I clearly have no idea, I really wasn’t able to help him.”
Kane’s lips parted subtly, and a quiet huff of breath escaped his lips. He stared at me, his eyes wide, and when he tried to swallow, it seemed to stick—the lump never fully going down.
“I can’t…” I shook my head, and my lips tried to form words, opening and closing like a dying fish over and over as I stood there. “Are you leaving?” I finally spit the words out in a rush.
He only stared at me, and I knew… He was leaving.
“Oh, God,” I gasped out before he even had a chance to respond. My fingers clutched at my stomach as bile rose up in the back of my throat.
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I don’t want to…”
He didn’t say the word that was supposed to follow that sentence, so I did for him. “But,” I bit out angrily.
His eyes glossed over, and he looked at me for a moment before his focus shifted to the ground. “But I don’t think I can survive this life if I don’t.” He was still whispering, and his lips trembled.
“Oh, God,” I gasped out again. I stumbled to the kitchen table where I’d left my keys, and I shook my head the entire time.
I was getting ready to walk away from him, very likely forever. I could see myself doing it, and I fully understood I needed to, and yet, I knew this was going to hurt as bad as anything in my life ever had—that was saying a lot for me. I knew I was going to do this, even though every cell in my body wanted to resist it. The anxiety that accompanied that notion was agonizing. It felt like a taut rubber band stretching through my body that was ready to snap, and when I turned back around to face him … it did.
“How dare you!” I screamed at him. I barely recognized the sound of my voice as it erupted from my throat. My palms burned as my nails dug viciously into them. “What right did you have?” My screams turned to sobs as tears streamed down my face, and when I tried to breathe, it came out as strangled gasps.
Kane was staring at my chest, the tendons in his neck strained, tears running down his cheeks too. He was making no sound at all, and it didn’t even look like he was breathing.
“I don’t want to leave you,” he gasped out when he finally took a breath. “I just… I don’t know how to… Please…” He was stammering, and when his voice broke, the words turned to quiet sobs.
It was painful seeing him this way. I’d seen tears of anguish like this from him only one other time in this life. I’d watched him cry, sob, and breakdown, and this was oddly almost as painful as that time.
I marched toward the door, and when I passed him, he grabbed my arm, yanking me back.
“No!” he yelled. “No. Please don’t go. Please don’t leave. I can’t…” He pushed me up to the wall beside the front door as I stumbled backward. His hands clutched at my cheeks, stilling my head, and he used his body to pin mine in place. He kissed me.
He kissed me!
“Stay, stay, stay.” He kept repeating the words against my mouth.
I wanted to sink into it. I wanted what his mouth was doing. I wanted more than even his mouth could do. I wanted it all, and I wanted to keep it forever.
And the very second I realized I couldn’t … I hit him.
His lips were torn from mine as my palm slammed hard into his cheek.
“Stay? You’re asking me to stay?” I glared at him. “How dare you. You have no right to touch me. You never had the right to.”
His hand clutched at his cheek, and he gaped at me for a moment until his eyelids finally fluttered, and he staggered back from me.
“You fucking bastard,” I spat out. But then the rage turned to anguish, and my lips twitched and trembled as more tears fell. “I fell in love with you,” I sobbed out the words.
He covered his eyes, his chest heaving and hitching as he cried.
And I walked out.