Chapter Forty-Three
Helene
I felt my body being lifted, but when I started to struggle, Kane’s lips touched my ear, and he shushed be gently.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s just me,” he whispered.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and when I opened my eyes there was nothing but darkness around me and a faint glow coming from somewhere ahead of us. As we got closer I could see he was carrying me down the hall toward the bathroom, and the dim flickering light was coming from within.
I hadn’t seen the bathroom since he’d redone it, and when he entered the room, I looked around. It was stunning. The old dingy clawfoot tub was a gleaming white, and the tile was all new. Water was already running in the deep tub, and he set me gently down in the warm water. There was a candle lit on the bathroom counter, and he closed the bathroom door before he turned back to me.
I watched him loosen and pull the tie from his neck, dropping it to the floor. He climbed in behind me, his legs on either side of mine, and he slipped the corsage from my wrist, dropping it to the floor as well. When he slid down lower in the water as he leaned back, I turned toward him, laying on my stomach between his legs and resting my cheek on one of his hard pectoral muscles. He sighed, and he ran his hands down my back.
“What time is it?” I lifted my head and rested my chin on his sternum.
He smiled gently. “Early. Only five. You can go back to sleep if you want.” He winked. “I won’t let you drown.” He watched me for a moment. “There are a couple more things we need to talk about, though. Now or in a while when you’re ready to wake up.”
“Now. I don’t want to sleep any longer.”
He nodded slowly. When he opened his mouth, he closed it again. He bit his lower lip nervously. “My lawyer said…” He inhaled a deep but shaky breath. “…a couple years best case scenario…” He struggled to swallow for a moment. “But it could be longer. Ten years … more…” He didn’t bother trying to finish that, and he studied me with the most terrified look on his face. “I can’t ask you to give up part of your life for me. And I… I don’t want to be responsible for you losing years of yourself—”
I reached up, touching his lips and stopping whatever words might have come next. “I don’t have a life without you.”
I stared at him, waiting to see some glimmer of understanding. When his expression remained blank, I sat up. His eyes drifted down to my breasts. It wasn’t overtly sexual though—even when he reached out and gently stroked the back of his finger over my nipple. I waited for his hand to drop and for his attention to return to my eyes.
My heart was racing when I spoke again. “Have you ever noticed how your existence can feel so normal and familiar that you just assume it’s who you are and it’s who you’re supposed to be…”
He studied me.
“But then … something comes back to you that you thought you’d lost, something that was always supposed to be yours, and…” I shrugged even as tears filled my eyes. “…things change. You suddenly can’t remember why or how life ever felt normal before, because such an integral part of who you are was missing.”
His lips pulled up slightly even as they tremored.
“And you know, beyond all doubt, that there is nothing more important in this world than hanging on to that thing you lost once upon a time. Because going back to what you once assumed was your life is simply no longer an option.”
He bit his lip. “I’ve taken ten years of your happiness already—”
“You’ve given it all back to me—”
“And I’m going to take more—”
“Only for a little while longer. Just of a little while, remember?”
He watched me for a moment, but then he nodded.
I did too, and as I did, I leaned to him, resting my forehead to his. “We deserve a future,” I said quietly. “We deserve to be happy.”
“Yes, we do,” he whispered.
We were silent for a while, and I laid back down against his chest and snuggled up to him as he wrapped his arms around me.
“My lawyer will be here at eight. He understands he’s not to pressure you into giving a statement about that night. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. I don’t have to mention your presence—”
I shook my head, sitting up again. “I’ll give a statement.” Even saying those words sent a tremor of panic through me.
He reached up, brushing my hair from my forehead. “It’s going to be hard to talk about this.”
I nodded. “This isn’t a secret we ever should have kept.” I was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry. You tried to stop me from bathing. You knew I shouldn’t, and I…” I looked down at his chest.
He shook his head, clutching my cheeks in his hands and pulling my face back up to look at him. “No,” he said forcefully. “No. We were just kids. We didn’t know how to deal with this. Promise me you won’t blame yourself for that.”
I nodded. I wasn’t sure I could keep that promise.
“I’ve decided not to sell the house,” he finally continued. “I may need to at some point to pay for legal expenses, depending on how it goes, but now that my father has passed away, there’s no immediate financial necessity.”
He’d finally given me something to smile about. “I’m glad to hear that.”
He smiled. “I’m glad you’re glad. Because the second part of that statement is … that I’d like you to move in here.”
I just stared at him like an idiot as he waited for me to respond. The thought of being here without him was painful. He was a part of everything around me, and I couldn’t imagine walking through that front door every day and not being reminded of how much I was hurting for him, missing him.
“It’s a good place for our life to start.” He was still watching me expectantly. “I want you to make it ours.”
“Okay,” I finally said.
He pulled me back to his chest and held me in his arms. I closed my eyes again, listening to his heart beat and letting the steady rise and fall of his chest comfort me. I couldn’t imagine that this was going away. I couldn’t imagine that in only a few short hours this would be a memory—an unattainable memory.
But I couldn’t imagine not waiting for this man. I would wait for him.
* * * *
“I’m so glad to finally meet you, Helene. I’m Ross Bernstein, Kane’s attorney. Kane has told me a lot about you.” The man held his hand out to me, and Kane touched my lower back.
I shook the man’s hand. “Good to meet you.”
Ross smiled at Kane over my shoulder, and then he stepped through the door. He had a briefcase in his hand, and he was wearing a suit. I was still in the same dress I’d started out in the day before. It was a rumpled disaster at this point, and my hair was pulled back in a high messy bun that I’d fixed with a hair tie after getting out of the bathtub.
It was now eight-thirty, and Ross intended to take Kane away from me in exactly thirty minutes. For a house without a single clock on the walls, all I could seem to hear was the tick… tick… tick… of some imaginary timepiece. I’d never hated and loved a time more in my entire life. This time was precious to me; it was also painful.
Every time Kane touched me I could feel a tremble in his fingers. I could see it too when he reached for the coffee pot and poured us both a cup. He caught me looking, and he instantly fisted his hands, forcing a smile to his lips.
“Helene, Kane would like to designate you his power of attorney. He wants to ensure you have legal access and rights to his assets while he’s away. Would you be willing to act as his power of attorney?”
I glanced at Kane, and he was gnawing on his lower lip.
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay.” Ross pulled a set of documents from his briefcase and set them on the counter in front of Kane, handing him a pen.
I watched Kane sign and initial the documents, and when he was finished, he slid them back to Ross. Ross notarized the documents as we watched and then slipped them into a manila envelope.
“I’ll stop at the recorder’s office as soon as I’m able.”
Kane nodded, but he remained quiet. He leaned over, kissing my temple and letting his lips linger for a moment. When he pulled back, he fished his keys out of his pocket and handed them to me. But he didn’t look at me.
“Umm…” He cleared his throat. “House keys and keys to the truck.” When he pulled a drawer open, he grabbed a folder from within. He had to clear his throat again. “You’ll find everything you need in here for the pending life insurance claim, my bank account information, the title to dad’s truck… You should just sell it. I don’t…” He was stammering, and when he abruptly went quiet, he closed his eyes.
“Kane?” I touched his waist.
He wiped his hands on his jeans as though his palms were sweaty, and then he abruptly turned away. “I’m going to take the garbage out,” he said quickly. He grabbed the two garbage bags he’d set by the front door and walked out, leaving the lawyer and me to stare after him.
“He’ll be okay,” Ross said when Kane closed the door behind himself. Ross pulled a business card from his pocket, handing it to me. “Kane’s left explicit instructions that I answer any questions you might have openly and honestly. He wants to make sure you’re always informed of what’s happening.”
“What is going to happen to him?” I asked. “I… I just…”
Ross smiled at me. “My only goal is to help him do this in a way that will protect his life and his future. I believe he deserves that, and I’m going to do everything in my power to get him back to you where he belongs as soon as possible.”
“Could it really be ten years?”
Ross cocked his head to the side, and my heart fell.
“There’s no such thing as a statute of limitations on murder, and Pennsylvania doesn’t have a limitation on manslaughter either. This is a manslaughter charge to me at minimum. But speaking from a strategic point of view, we hold a confession related to a crime no one knows about. That gives us the upper hand. Kane won’t spend his time worrying about that. He’s intent on putting this to rest, and I’m going to let him. But, it’s my job to make sure it’s done in the best possible way for him. And he does finally understand that.”
He smiled at me. “You know, when I first met him almost a year ago, he came to my office in Philadelphia seeking information. It wasn’t about strategy to him. He was prepared to walk in, give his statement, and let the chips fall—against my good advice I might add.” His smile pulled into a smirk. “But … then his father had a stroke, and it delayed his plans. And somewhere along the way, things changed for him. Over the past month or so, he’s started thinking strategically. He understands the importance of protecting his future. I have no doubt that’s because of you. He’s very lucky to have you.”
I nodded, but I looked down.
“I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure this isn’t elevated beyond a manslaughter category crime. It would be a gross injustice if it was, and I’m committed to fighting that, even if it means going to trial. That said, pleading this out will likely be our best bet, and it’s what I expect to happen; it’s what I want to happen. I’d like to say involuntary manslaughter, but in truth, my gut says it’s likely voluntary with very strong mitigating circumstances that need to be taken into consideration when it comes to sentencing.”
“Well, when can I bail him out? I mean, will I be able to while…?”
He shook his head. “It won’t go down that way if we plea this out. But even if it did, he’s already made it clear he doesn’t want to be. He’d rather get credit for time served. Usually I advise my clients against that as a general rule, but in his particular case, I support the logic. He’s going to do some time. There’s no question of that to me. You don’t walk in and confess to killing someone ten years in the past when there were no other accomplices involved and expect to wheel and deal your way out of some time. We simply don’t have the leverage to argue our way out of a prison sentence of some sort, and he sees no sense in delaying the inevitable. But like I said, I don’t see it going down that way.”
The door suddenly opened again, and Kane stepped in. He watched us for a moment, his face expressionless. I hated how nervous he seemed, regardless of just how appropriate his nerves were. He walked to us, and he inhaled deeply as he sank against the counter by my side.
Ross looked at his watch. “Fifteen minutes?”
Kane nodded, but then he looked at me. “Take a walk with me?”
I followed him out the back door, and we moseyed toward the woods. There were overgrown paths all around this property that Kane and I used to get lost on, and we picked our way down the largest of them toward the creek. I could hear it gurgling and splashing in the distance, and it only took us a few minutes to reach the rocky shoreline. The water was clear and shallow, and there was a large rock about four feet high sitting off to the side of the path.
Kane and I had sat on that rock more times than I could recall when we were children, throwing rocks into the stream and laughing like idiots. I rested against the rock, and he faced me, leaning close to me and kissing the side of my neck.
“Is there anything you want to talk about?” he asked me quietly. “Anything you need to know.”
“Tell me what our future is going to look like.” I studied his face.
He instantly smiled and hummed. When he lifted his hands he cupped my cheeks gently, curling his fingers behind my jawline. “I’m going to marry you some day.”
My lips trembled, and heat settled into the backs of my eyes as I nodded.
“I’m going to give you babies.”
I nodded some more, laughing quietly even as I cried.
“I’m going to teach them to draw penises on the walls and feed banana peels to the DVD player.”
I laughed louder as a tear ran down my cheek.
He brushed it away. “It’s going to be a beautiful life.”
“A beautiful life,” I agreed.
“And in the meantime … you’re going to be happy.” He nodded. “Please be happy.”
I nodded too.
His hands inched up under my skirt, crawling up my thighs tauntingly. I wasn’t wearing underwear at this point, and when his fingers discovered that, he hummed warmly. “You’re also going to be very naughty with this body when you’re alone, okay?”
“Okay,” I breathed out.
He touched me, gently grazing over my skin, and when he slipped his fingers between the lips of my sex, his breath caught in his throat and he sighed this half groan, half breath.
He moved slow, taking his time toying and stroking, and I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back. He kissed my neck, letting his lips linger and his breath warm my skin, and when he reached to my back, it was to lower the zipper halfway down my back—just far enough for him to pull the top down and get his lips around my nipple.
It was chilly out again, and my skin popped with goosebumps. He sucked on my nipple warming it and innervating it at the same time, and he hummed and moaned, sending a tickling vibration out through my body. I stroked my fingers through his hair, and he took his time, licking and sucking. When he pushed two fingers up into me, I gasped. His penetrations were slow and gentle, and he kissed his way back up to my mouth. He kissed me over and over and over, humming and moaning quietly as he sucked on my lips. When he finally sighed and pulled back, his lips were pink and mine felt raw.
“We need to get back.” He ran his thumb across my lower lip.
My eyes drifted down to his chest.
“I know you’re not ready.” He tipped my chin up. “But it’s time.”
I shook my head as tears built and pooled, and my chest was tight as I tried to contain the sob that wanted to come out. His eyes glossed over as he nodded, and he brushed a tear from his cheek.
“Oh, God, Helene.” He dropped his forehead to mine. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered.
“I can’t imagine going even a day without touching you.”
He reached to my back, pulling the zipper of my dress back up, and then he stepped away from me, holding his hand out to me. We walked back to the house, and I ignored the cold. His hand was holding mine, and it was the only thing that touched me. I wanted the walk to take forever—the rest of my life at least. I also wanted it over.
We walked through the house, and Ross followed us silently out to the front porch.
“Helene, I’ll be in touch.” He nodded to me kindly. “I’ll wait in the car,” he said to Kane, and Kane nodded.
Kane stepped down the first porch step, and he turned to me, pulling me into his arms. “Just a little while,” he whispered against my ear.
I closed my eyes as I nodded. “Just a little while. And you’ll come back…”
“I’ll come back to you.”
“And you’ll marry me…”
“In my heart I already have.”
“And you’ll give us babies…”
“I can’t wait to meet our children.”
“And you’ll love me…”
“I never stopped, and I never will.”
He pulled back, and I cupped his cheeks, brushing his tears away with my thumbs as he did the same for me. He nodded.
And I nodded too.
When Hilde pulled up at just that moment, my attention shifted to her car, and Kane glanced back.
“I called Hilde a little while ago,” he said when he looked back at me. “I didn’t want you to be here alone after I left. But she doesn’t know what’s going on.” He bit his lip. “She loves you, even if she hates me.” He smirked, but it fell quickly. “She only hates me because she doesn’t understand us and the things we went through. You can make her understand, but she needs to hear it from you … when you’re ready.”
Hilde climbed out of her car. She looked worried—more than worried, and she paused, gripping the top of her driver’s side door as she stared at us.
Kane glanced back at Hilde again, but his attention returned to me quickly. “And she still may hate me…” He smiled, but his lips trembled. “I love you so much.” His hands were tremoring as he held mine.
“I love you too.”
He brushed another tear away, and then he sighed heavily. “My sweet Hell.” He leaned forward kissing my forehead and letting his lips linger on my skin. “We’re going to be okay. Don’t stop saying that. Don’t stop believing that.” And then he let go of my hands, and he turned away.
He passed Hilde on his way to Ross’s car, and she watched him suspiciously as she walked toward me, her eyes continuously glancing over her shoulder as he climbed in the passenger seat.
The last I saw of his eyes were the very moment before he covered them with his hand. The car was backing up, and Kane’s eyes were on me. I watched as his lips pulled up in a small smile, the shimmer of his eyes intensified for a moment, and then he covered them as his shoulders started to shake and he lowered his head.
That was it. He was gone. Again.
I sank to the top porch step, suddenly unable to support my own weight, and I covered my eyes as I buckled over and sobbed.
“Helene… Helene…” Hilde sat beside me, wrapping her arm around me, and she shushed me quietly as she pulled me closer to her.
“It’s going to be okay.” I nodded as I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was reassuring Hilde or myself. “He’s coming back,” I whispered.
We were going to be okay.