Chapter Forty
Kane
She was crying by the time I finished speaking, and she was covering her mouth as tears streamed down to pool on the top of her hand. She was standing next to me, staring down the embankment at the same spot fifty feet below.
The hill didn’t drop as far as I’d once assumed. That night nearly eleven years ago to the day, I’d stood in this same place imagining the hill just dropping into oblivion and going on forever. But in the light, it was just a steep craggy hill with an end.
“I made it nearly a mile down the road before I realized I was still holding the knife. I pulled over and threw it as far into the woods as I could.”
“Why was he still here?” she said even as she still covered her mouth.
“I don’t know, baby. It looked like he was getting ready to leave.” I shrugged. “They didn’t find his body for a year and a half. Skeleton actually.” I glanced at her.
“I don’t remember any—”
“You would have been in college in Philly by then. And there was nothing more than one small article in the newspaper here. Trust me, I obsessed over the Hazleton Times for years.” My sarcasm didn’t amount to much. “They never did ID him. The article I read said they found what they believed to be his bag with an unregistered gun inside, but there was no identification in it. They thought, correctly I’m guessing, that he was just some drifter who’d hiked over from the interstate. It was assumed that his death was an accident due to alcohol and a few missteps. He had multiple broken bones, and his skull had been crushed when he’d hit the base of a tree trunk—not to mention the empty vodka bottle they found nearby.”
She took my hand, lacing her fingers with mine, and I closed my eyes as she squeezed. My chest was tight, painfully tight.
“I panicked. I’d gone home to see my dad already, and it ended … badly. He’d been pissed. Thought I’d been fighting again. He kicked me out, laughed at me because I was … crying, and…” I shook my head. “I was so angry. It took over, and I … just…” I shrugged. “I knew what I’d done was wrong. It was my fault that man hurt us in the first place. I’d shot of my mouth like usual, and it ended up hurting you in a way I could never have imagined…”
Helene shook her head, but I ignored it.
“I knew my dad wouldn’t give a shit why it happened, and I just … wasn’t sure how I was ever going to cope with what I’d done to you. And after I did this…? How was I supposed to explain to the cops why I was here looking for this man?” I looked at her, and she was crying. “So I didn’t explain anything. I came back to your parents’ house, held you for a while … and then I left. And it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”
“If it was your biggest mistake then don’t make it again.” She turned to me, and she pulled her hand from mine. “You don’t have to leave.” She was imploring me.
“I do,” I said calmly.
“You don’t!” she snapped at me. “Is it this place?” she continued, refusing to give up the question. “Is it me? Don’t you want to be with me?”
I took her hands again. “Of course I want to be with you. I’m in love with you.”
“Then why?” she sobbed. “Why are you leaving? Why can’t I come with you? Why?” She tried to pull her hands away from me, but I held onto them tightly.
I took a deep calming breath, willing the words from my mouth. “I’m not moving away,” I said quietly.
Her eyes shifted back and forth across mine, waiting for more.
“I’m turning myself in—”
“No!” she snapped at me before my last word was even out of my mouth. She yanked her hands away from mine, stalked a few feet away, and wrapped her arms around her body as she cried.
“Helene…”
“No,” she spun toward me, pointing her finger at my face like a scolding parent, but tears were trickling down her cheeks. “That’s not fair. You don’t deserve to have your life ruined because of this. You don’t deserve to suffer for the rest of your life because of what you did.”
“I deserve to be free from this.” Tears filled my eyes, finally overcoming me. “And baby … I have suffered, I am suffering.” My voice broke over the words, and my tears fell.
I stared at her, and she let out a sob, doubling over and covering her mouth as she groaned.
“I know you think I’m destroying my life, but I’m trying to save it.” I clasped my hands together, and I bit my upper lip, letting it out slowly as I put the words together in my head. “I’m so tired, Helene. I can’t keep this secret anymore.”
“It was self-defense,” she said as she stood up straight. She nodded, sniffing her nose and wiping the tears from her cheeks. She walked to me. “It was.” Her voice was starting to sound shrill, and she couldn’t seem to stop nodding her head as though she weren’t going to stop until I nodded too.
I put my hands on her shoulders. “No it wasn’t, Hell. Self-defense ended the moment he let us go. It was … something else.”
“He went after you.” This was clearly not an argument she wanted to let go.
“I had no business being here. The knife was in my hand, not his. I put myself in a place that invited the attack. I don’t know how it’s going to play out. I truly don’t, but … I’m going to tell the truth, because it is so long overdue, and hiding it has destroyed too much of my life already.”
Her shoulders slumped on a heavy defeated sigh, and her attention dropped to my chest. She eventually looked off into the woods. “He deserved it,” she said quietly, but the soft tone of her voice didn’t hide the venom.
“Don’t say that. Don’t make excuses for me.”
Her lips pursed again as more tears came, and she dropped her forehead to the center of my chest. I rested my palm to the back of her head, and I stroked her hair.
I leaned down, resting my lips to the crown of her head. “We don’t get to make those judgments. And the weight and responsibility of that decision has been as hard to bear as my actions that night. It’s a hard thing to carry knowing I’m responsible for a man’s death.”
She tilted her head up to look at me, and I cupped her cheeks, stroking my fingers behind her jawline. “Let me confess,” I begged as my lips trembled. “Please don’t ask me to carry this burden any further. I’m begging you.” I stared through the pools of tears in my eyes at her.
And she nodded even as she started sobbing again.