CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I overslept. When I woke, the sounds of shouting and laughter already carried through the house.

Another busy day in the Stage Dive world.

In all honesty, I didn’t know what came next. Since he’d run off Tom, I’d have to find him another replacement companion/assistant. Time would tell if I still got to do the apprenticeship with Pam. Perhaps I’d see about enrolling in an arts college or something, studying photography another way. I’d finally found what I just might want to do with the rest of my life. Something I could be passionate about. There was one almighty positive to come out of this screwed up situation.

“Hey,” I said, wandering in to the kitchen, my hair still wet from the shower.

The guys were gathered around the table, throwing back coffee and various energy drinks. Mal was apparently practicing his wedding speech, ready for Vegas. He stood tall on a chair while the others jeered and threw wadded up balls of paper. Dean hung out in the corner, giving me a brief attempt at a smile. Even Taylor and Pam were here, standing with their arms around one another. Further proof of love everlasting and coupley happiness.

Next time I’d do the smart thing and be sure to fall for someone who wanted me as much as I wanted them. Next time.

“Lena, agrees with me. Don’t you, Lena?” Mal called out upon my entering the room.

“Of course, Mal.”

“You have no idea what you just agreed to,” said Ben, smiling at me over the rim of his coffee cup.

“Shut up, Ben,” said the mad drummer. “Every Vegas wedding needs a couple of burlesque dancers for effect, Lena gets that. She’s more enlightened than you fools.”

“Anne is going to shoot you down in flames,” said Ben.

I shook my head and kept moving. No way was I getting sucked any further into that discussion.

I caught Jimmy out of the corner of my eye, dressed in his usual all black, leaning against the counter. If I didn’t look at him directly maybe I could still get out of this with the one small, unbroken piece still intact. First things first, coffee. I headed for the pot, filling a mug to the brim. Forget sugar and milk, someone needed to pump caffeine directly into my bloodstream before anyone got hurt.

“Dave, get your fucking boots off the table,” Jimmy grouched.

“You’re a god damn delight today, Jim,” said David. “Something happen to warrant the good mood?”

His brother didn’t reply.

I sucked down some coffee, burning my tongue. No matter, it was a small pain, nothing really.

“I need that shit on the interview ready and the plans for the first leg of the tour, Lena. Now.” Jimmy dumped his empty mug in the sink good and hard. I’m surprised it didn’t break. “Try to be up on time and ready for work in future, yeah?”

Slowly, I turned to face him, coffee still in hand.

He stared straight at me. “No more fucking around. Right, Lena?”

My cup started to shake. His message was pertinent on oh so many levels. So this was it, can’t say it was unexpected. It almost came as a relief really, airing our grievances, casting it all out into the world. He might have waited until I no longer had his semen inside of me, just for politeness sake, though.

“Right,” I agreed, my voice flat, strange. I didn’t sound like myself at all.

Shadows lay beneath his cold pale eyes and the cut of his mouth and cheeks seemed harder, harsher than normal. I’d only gotten a little sleep, but it seemed Jimmy had gotten none at all. Every sharp line of him seemed wired, on edge.

All talk around the table stopped. Even Mal climbed down from his chair.

“You need a date for your sister’s wedding you’ll have to find someone else. I’m flying down to L.A. to see Liv.” His hands gripped the counter behind him, the muscles in his arms flexing. “I’ll be busy.”

I nodded. My tear ducts were gearing up for something big, I could feel it.

“And when you get back, start looking for your own place.”

I gasped, my stomach contracting. It actually felt like I’d been kicked and he’d caught a rib or two. So much hurt, inside and out. Foolish of me really, this messy ending had been written from the start. You didn’t just fall out of love with a man like Jimmy Ferris.

“Don’t need you in my face all the damn time,” he said. “You work nine to five until we go on tour then as needed. Got it?”

David slowly stood. “Jim …”

“Stay out of it. This is between me and her.” He turned back to me, his lips thinning in obvious hostility. “Understood, Lena?”

Ben cursed quietly.

“Understood. Will there be anything else, Mr. Ferris?” I asked, setting my coffee cup aside before I dropped it.

His voice cut through me like a sword. “None of your cute shit. We’re strictly business. I don’t want your opinion and I sure as fuck don’t need your advice.”

My throat was dust.

“You do your job from now on and that’s it.”

“Jimmy.” David thumped his hands on the table. The one where Jimmy and I had made love. Fucked. Whatever.

“Stop this,” said David, face lined with fury. “Don’t talk to her like that.”

“She is not your concern, Dave. She never was.”

I stood there numb, but knowing what I had to do. “Fire me.”

“What?”

Every eye in the room was on me, but I only looked at him. He’d wanted an audience and he’d gotten one. Fucked if I’d play into it any further. People would think what they liked and there was nothing I could do about it, he’d been right about that. We’d gone into freefall when I told him I loved him. It was time to hit the ground.

“Fire me,” I said. “That’s how this ends.”

Jimmy’s nostrils flared.

“That’s how this was always going to end.”

Fury flashed in his eyes.

“Go on.”

“That’s not what you want,” he said, a shadow of doubt crossing his face for the first time.

“I can’t have what I want, Jimmy. I never could. All you have to do is fire me and I’ll go away. You won’t ever have to think about it ever again. It’ll be like it never happened. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Whoever said love and hate were the same knew what they were talking about. Because the way Jimmy was looking at me would have burned a lesser woman to the ground. Last night he’d loved me, or my body at least. Now, there should have only been ashes where I stood.

“I go away and everything’s easy again, uncomplicated,” I said. “You can go back to hiding from the world. I won’t be here to stop you.”

“Shut up.”

“Fire me, Jimmy.” My smile must have looked every bit as bitter as it tasted. “Send me away.”

Someone said something but it passed right by me, unheard. There was only me and him.

“You know you want to,” I said. “It’d be so much simpler if I wasn’t here.”

“Shut the fuck up, Lena.”

“Go on,” I urged, leaning forward. “No time like the present, right? Do it.”

A muscle jumped in his jaw line.

“DO IT.”

His chin jerked.

Done.

The breath rushed out of me and I shut my eyes tight. Tears escaped anyway, the cunning bastards. Talk about fucking drama. Enough.

“You promised you wouldn’t relapse if I left. I’m holding you to that,” I said, my voice cracking, the words coming so much harder now.

Another nod.

“Hang on,” said Mal, rushing over. “Jim, man. C’mon, this is Lena. You can’t fire her!”

“Lena, wait.” David reached out a hand.

“It’s okay,” I said, wiping my face, forcing my way past the band.

I didn’t want to see the others but of course my gaze went there, taking in the whole of the ugly pathetic scene. Plenty of shell-shocked faces and one vaguely embarrassed glance on Dean’s part. Not like it really mattered, I’d never see any of them ever again. This part of my life was over.

An argument started up behind in the kitchen, numerous voices raised in anger and dismay. I didn’t slow down, didn’t turn back.

There’s probably a lot of things I could say about the nature of love. Exactly what I did or didn’t mean to Jimmy would never be known, perhaps not even to himself. Love was truly one of life’s mysteries. That it could fuck you five ways to Sunday and still remain so utterly perplexing and unknown was kind of impressive. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Right then, I was looking at the long lonely road home. My childhood home, that is. The home I’d shared with him was gone.

Tears flowed faster and I let them fall unchecked.

Some things were meant to be felt to their fullest. Get it out, get it over with, and all the rest.

I liked to think he’d miss me, but the truth was, he’d be fine once I was gone. There’d be someone else to step into my shoes, someone to answer his emails and keep him sorted. Chances were, they’d do a better job than I ever had.

The end.

* * *

A massive white satin bow sat in pride of place on the front door. Christ, Alyce and her look-at-me bullshit. This wedding had clearly taken on gargantuan proportions in my absence. Maybe I should have holed up in a hotel room until all of this had blown over.

No. That was quitters talk.

I was made of tougher stuff.

After all, I’d already walked away from one life-altering, heart-shattering situation this week. To make it through my sister and ex’s wedding would be no biggie. Eardrum piercing, girly squeals of glee could be heard coming from inside. It was the night before her nuptials, I guess she had all of her remaining three bridesmaids over. Britney Spears music suddenly pumped out, loud and proud.

Yeah, no, okay, I couldn’t do it.

Not a fucking chance.

My weary body and mind had already been dragged half way across the damn country. I’d left a lot of stuff behind in boxes with a message for Ev to please have it forwarded. All that mattered was getting the hell out of his house in one reasonable rational piece.

Pam drove me to the airport despite my protestations I could get a cab. Such a lovely woman, it was a pity I’d never get to be her apprentice. The rest of the band and company fortunately remained downstairs. To face any of them following Jimmy’s and my drama-ridden break-up would have been more than I could bear. The $10,000 Nikon stayed behind on the piece of furniture formerly known as my bedside table.

Jimmy could do with it what he liked. No way was I taking it with me.

My immediate existence revolved around expunging every trace of him from my memory. I’d forget the sound of his voice and the smell of him covered in sweat. I’d never again think about the one hundred and one stupid little conversations we’d had, all the things we fought about. My broken heart had been taped and glued to perfection. And all of these things were gone.

They had to be gone so I could face the future and put him in the past.

There was no way, however, I could face whatever fresh hell was happening inside my childhood home. Britney Spears. Give me strength. I about-faced, preparing to drag my full suitcase the two blocks back into town since my cab had already gone. So far as I knew, Toni still worked at the Burns Bed and Breakfast. If I slipped her twenty she’d keep my whereabouts secret for a couple of days.

But no, standing directly smack bam in the middle of my planned escape route stood my father. Time had made no major changes, he was still as stout and solid looking as he’d ever been. A bit more grey in his hair perhaps. In each hand was a bag filled to the brim with Kwong Chinese Restaurant containers. The best food to be had in my hometown, in my expert opinion.

“Lena?” He blinked at me in the violet and grey evening light. The weight around my heart lifted a little.

“Hey, Daddy.”

He looked me over, face frozen in shock. “My girl’s come home!”

“Yeah. I’m back.” Gah. Instantly, I turned on the waterworks and my face was a mess. My emotions needed to calm the fuck down.

Dad took two big steps forward, giving me the best hug possible when laden down with takeout. The delicious scent of Honey Chicken made my mouth water and my tummy growl. It’d be too much to ask that I be one of those girls that actually loses weight when her love life goes to shit, apparently.

I cuddled in against him, taking comfort.

“Good to have you home, sweetheart,” he said.

“Good to be home.” And it was.

For a moment, we just stared at one another, smiling in wonder. It was nice to know some things couldn’t be lost. The bond between me and my dad was one of those things.

“Was a bad business, what your sister did,” he said. “Your mother and I gave her firm words over it.”

“You did?” Huh, I’d always thought Alyce the Wonder Kid could do no wrong. There you go.

“Well of course we did. Though you were always too much of a handful for that idiot Brandon. He would never have made you happy.” Dad looked down at me over the rim of his glasses. “And you’re still not happy. What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I got my heart broken again.” I chuckled, shrugged. “Stupid me, huh?”

“Stupid him, more like it. My girl’s a queen. Any boy that can’t see that doesn’t deserve to get within spitting distance.” The man should be president. He said the nicest damn things.

“Thanks, Dad.”

He just stared at me, waiting for more information.

“It really is a long story,” I said.

A particularly high-pitched, ear-shattering scream communicating what I supposed was extreme delight came from within the house. I winced.

“It’s going to be a long night,” sighed Dad. “What do you say we go inside, get the greetings out of the way, and then go hide out down in the basement with my beer fridge?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Your mother missed you, Lena.” He dug into his coat pocket for the keys. An impossible process given his many tasty burdens.

“Here, let me help.” I took one of the bags off his hands. “I missed her too. I just needed to get away for a while, find myself and stuff.”

“And what’d you find?”

“I found that I still have no sense when it comes to choosing men. But you know what, Dad?”

“What, Lena?” he asked with a smile.

“I’m okay on my own.”

His keys jingled as he fiddled about, searching for the right one. “Of course you are, you were always the strongest out of my girls. Your sister was always jealous of you, you know?”

“Get out of here.” I laughed. The whole idea was ridiculous. “Shiny, perfect Alyce?”

“Try shiny, sassy Lena. Always ready with a clever comeback and able to talk to anyone.” Dad smiled and pushed the front door open.

Light and noise assailed us along with many girls crying my name in surprise.

“Hi.” I gave a finger wave.

Alyce gave me a tremulous smile. Five-foot-eight and willowy slender, with a glossy fall of mahogany hair. “Lena. Hey.”

“Hi,” I repeated, just proving exactly how excellent I was with conversation.

Dad squeezed past me, taking the food into the kitchen. Her bridesmaids watched on with big curious eyes, the damn gossips. News of my return would no doubt be texted all over town within minutes.

“Thanks for coming back,” said my sister, looking all sorts of shy and uncertain. Her gaze wandered all over the place, unable to stay on me for long.

“Not a problem.”

Then my pint-sized hurricane of a mother flew out of the kitchen and tackle-hugged me. Our ample bosoms slammed together with an “oomph!” Rock-and-roll wrestlers would have been on their asses. My glasses were most definitely askew.

“About time,” she whispered. “Welcome back, honey.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I hugged her back until my arms ached. This had been the right thing to do, coming home. I felt better already, lighter. I could put myself back together in peace here. Forget about rock stars and slick suits and all the rest.

Mom, Dad, and I piled our plates high with Sweet and Sour Pork and so on, then retreated downstairs. The feral female bridesmaid pack could run wild with their squeeing on the ground level. It seemed even mom was ready for an estrogen break.

We quickly outvoted dad and the game got turned off in favor of an old black-and-white movie that was on TV. It was nice, being home, being with my parents, all of it. Very nice.

“Another beer, Lena?” asked Dad from his seat in the corner.

“I take it that’s your subtle way of asking me to go fetch you one?”

“I’m an old man. You have to look after your father.”

“Ri-i-ight.”

Mom just tittered. Lord knew how many white wines she’d sucked down before we came home. I didn’t begrudge her, Alyce’s wedding plans had obviously taken their toll.

The basement was Dad’s man palace. A huge flat-screen TV, comfy couches, and of course, the aforementioned beer fridge in the corner. Framed pictures of football jerseys lined the walls. Sometimes I wondered if Dad regretted not having sons, but he’d never said or indicated anything of the like. My parents were good people. Any issues I had body wise or whatever were my own. And while it was seriously great to be back home, I didn’t belong here long term.

Forget the past, I was going to do my thing (whatever that was) and be happy. Decision made.

I grabbed my dad’s beer, the second, however, I hovered over. I didn’t have a drinking problem. Not drinking had been something I did in support of Jimmy.

“Fuck it,” I mumbled, snatching another cold one from the fridge. I could kick back with my folks and enjoy a drink without it being a problem. Jimmy Ferris did not rule me in any way, shape, or form. Never had and never would. Not that he’d ever felt I needed to not drink, it’d been my show of solidarity and how far had that gotten me?

Whatever. It was time to kick back and relax. I was having a beer.

“Isn’t that the man you were working for?” asked Mom.

I turned and there they were, spread out in full vibrant color, coming at me live from Hollywood. Jimmy and Liv on the red carpet at some event. He looked so damn good with his dark hair styled back and a black suit on. It was like a knife twisting inside of my chest. My whole body went into shock. The beer bottles slipped from my fingers, smashing upon the tiled floor. Glass glittered and foaming beer had splashed everywhere. I looked up and he was gone, the ad was over, the news had moved on. Our sweet old black-and-white movie returned to the screen.

Mom and Dad were already out of their chairs and rushing at me.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, staring uselessly at the mess I’d created. My brain had stalled. Jimmy certainly however hadn’t missed a beat. He’d smashed my heart, thrown me out, and moved on with being the rock ’n’ roll bad boy.

“Fuck him,” I whispered.

My sister dashed down the stairs. “What was that?”

“Your sister had an accident,” said Mom, grabbing a towel out of the pile of laundry beside the dryer.

“I made a mistake,” I agreed. “A really big one.”

Dad blinked at me owlishly from behind his glasses. “Oh, sweetheart.”

The tears started and they didn’t stop for a long, long time. I think I finally cried myself dry.