CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The next evening, Jimmy’s attitude had not improved. His resistance to the very tall thin and polite Tom Moorecomb read plain as day in his body language. Should he turn any further in his seat, his back would be to the poor man completely.

“Tom was involved in couples counseling, Jimmy. Isn’t that interesting?” I said, jaw aching from clenching so much. A tension headache was slowly but steadily brewing behind my eyes. “Jimmy?”

The jerk didn’t even look up from his phone. It was like trying to deal with a toddler, a very cranky one. Sadly, he’d seated himself opposite the room from me, out of kicking range. I’d hate to have to smack him in the head with a pillow in front of Tom. Perhaps it could be left as my final die-hard option.

“Jimmy?”

He looked up at me from beneath his dark fringe. “What?”

The doorbell rang. Fortunate for him really.

“Let me just get that while you two talk.” I gave the ignorant jerk a meaningful look.

He just blinked.

Before I could reach the door, Mal and Ben barreled on in.

“Lena, helloooo.” Mal shook my hand so energetically I feared my shoulder would dislocate. “Looking foxy and strict in your business suit. I would totally take orders from you if my heart and soul were not spoken for.”

“Thanks.” I’d bought the navy suit in an attempt to make the right impression on Tom. Jimmy had just given my new outfit a weird look and told me double breasted didn’t suit a girl with such assets. I’d been nervously fussing with the buttons on the jacket ever since.

“We in the living room?” asked Ben, already making his way into said location.

“Wait, we’re—”

“Hi.” David, Ev, and Anne followed close behind. Ev and Anne were dolled up, the first in jeans and a slinky top, the second in a smokin’ hot green knit dress. Their awesome style however did not answer any of the questions pouring into my head.

“Hey,” said Ev, kissing my cheek while David gave me the rockstar chin tip.

“I’m really looking forward to tonight,” said Anne.

“Great.” I smiled.

She stopped and studied me. “Shit, you have no idea what’s going on, do you? Ev.”

“What’s up?” Ev about turned on her cool boots.

“Lena doesn’t know anything about this.”

Her face fell. “What?”

“Nope.”

“Crap.”

“Yep.”

“Please,” I said, getting a little desperate. “What’s going on? Why are you all here?”

“Jimmy invited us over for dinner,” said Ev.

“He did?”

And through the open door marched what I could only guess was a small army of butlers and one chef. So many black suits with one tall white puffy hat standing head and shoulders above the rest.

“We’ll get set up,” said the eldest of the butlers entering.

“Right,” I murmured, turning back to Anne and Ev. “He’s outplayed me.”

“Sometimes,” said Ev, throwing an arm around my neck. “You just have to follow Jimmy’s lead.”

“Are you insane? He’ll lead me straight to hell.”

“Perhaps. But he likes you, so I’m guessing he’ll bring you back out safe and sound.”

I narrowed my eyes on the insane woman. “We’re interviewing my replacement. Right now.”

Her face fell, yet again.

“We need to get in there,” said Anne.

“So, Tom. Tom was your name, wasn’t it?” Mal projected his voice so well. It positively rang through the marble halls of Jimmy’s mini-palace.

All three of us females bolted for the living room.

The drummer sat beside the poor innocent Tom. His muscular arms were stretched out along the back of the two-seater sofa.

“Yes, Mr. Ericson. It is.” Tom’s rather pronounced Adams apple bobbed.

Oh god help him, they were going to eat him alive. I leveled a death glare at Jimmy, a futile, wasted effort since he failed to notice.

“Tom, would you consider yourself, a rock ’n’ roll man?” Mal asked.

My heart stopped when Tom visibly paused. “Ah, actually, I prefer classical music.”

Ben huffed out a laugh. He was so off my Christmas card list. “Ah yeah, he’ll fit in just great. Good call, Lena.”

“He’s here to discuss becoming Jimmy’s sobriety companion,” I said. “What music he listens to is irrelevant.”

“Of course, of course,” said Mal, soothingly. “Just curious.”

Ev had perched on the arm of David’s chair while Anne sat sandwiched between Ben and Jimmy on the couch opposite Tom and Mal. We had a full house. With all the seats taken, I chose to stand.

“Now, Jimmy likes to spend his free time working out,” said Mal. “How do you feel about jogging and free lifting, Tom?”

By the look of him, I highly doubted Tom lifted anything heavier than a book.

“Mal, that’s enough.” I interceded, someone had to.

“You now go jogging with him, Lena. He’s used to having company. Would you deny him that? We all just want what’s best for Jim, don’t we?”

The man in question had a hand covering his mouth, his face half turned away from me. So fucking glad he was amused.

“He still jogs on his own as well.” I stood, hands on hips.

“Perhaps. Tom, Lena also spends all of her free time with Jim, watching TV or just generally hanging out with him. Will that be a problem?”

The man gave me a worried look. “Being a sobriety companion is a major commitment, of course. But … she doesn’t have a life of her own at all?”

“Of course I have my own life,” I said in a slightly shouty voice.

“Jimmy is her life, Tom. That man is everything to her.” Mal crossed his legs and lazed back against the couch. “Are you willing to do as much?”

Tom blanched.

“Lena has also been working with Jim on breaking down his boundaries regarding physical touch. A sort of hug therapy shall we say. I believe her next step in this delicate process will be sleeping with him nightly with advanced cuddling practices. Will that be a problem for you?”

Tom looked around in confusion.

“Right.” I clapped my hands together, summoning the room’s attention. “Jimmy, we’re talking in the kitchen. Now.”

He rose slowly from his chair, face calm as could be.

I turned to the drummer. “Mal, you say another word and I shoot you.”

He drew back, aghast. “Threats of violence are not necessary. Tom, quick, counsel her, she’s going over the edge!”

At which point, thank god, Anne stepped in and saved the day. She did this by sitting with her legs further apart. It was amazing really, almost as if Mal had some sort of extrasensory perception when it came to the girl and her sex. His gaze shot to the widening gap between her knees and all else fell away. The shadow beneath her skirt seemed to call to him on some mystical higher level. Or around the groin level, hard to say which exactly.

“What was I saying?” Mal muttered, leaning over, trying to get a better view up Anne’s skirt.

“Nothing important,” said Ben, playing on his phone.

“Something about how Tom seemed great for the job.” Ev wound an arm around David’s neck. “Not that we’d ever want to lose Lena.”

“Right, right.” Mal leaned a little further.

There were no ends on the two-seater Tom and Mal sat upon. And so, when Mal finally tipped over far enough in his attempt to see between Anne’s thighs, he toppled straight off the end of the couch. David chuckled while Ev smiled. Big Ben didn’t even notice, so taken was he with his texting. These people, I loved them as much as they drove me out of my god damn mind.

Anne just smiled. “Oops! You okay, babe?”

“All good.” The man set himself to rights, still seated upon the ground. “But I need to tell you something in the bathroom.”

“Do you?”

“Yep. Right now.”

“Something good?” she asked, a certain lustful twinkle in her eyes.

“Yes, something good. It’s a show-and-tell type thing, I think you’ll really like it.”

“Okay.”

Mal sprung to his feet, hands in the air. “Hooray! Quick, let’s go. Hurry, woman, no time to waste.”

With much giggling, Mal carried Anne from the room. Ah, young love, all the feelings.

“After you,” said Jimmy, standing beside me being all calm. It instantly brought my rage back to the forefront.

“Actually, let’s make it the office,” I said. “I forgot your dinner crew are busy in the kitchen.”

“Sure, Lena.”

I should have known he had something planned. For someone so resistant to the idea of my replacement, he’d gone all out dressing for the appointment. A black long-sleeved button-up shirt, black trousers, and shiny shoes adorned his fine self. His hair was carefully slicked back. Usually hanging around home warranted just jeans and T-shirts. The signs had all been there. But I could still salvage this situation damn it, right after I ripped Jimmy a new one.

Except it was too late. Tom got to his feet, his movements jerky. “I think I better go. You obviously have guests to entertain.”

I stepped forward. “What? No. Tom—”

“That’s a pity,” Jimmy replied. “Nice to meet you Tom. See you around.”

“Quiet.” I turned to the counselor, hands outstretched. “Please, Tom. Just … if you could just give me a minute to talk to my employer. They’re not usually like this.”

“Don’t lie to the man,” said Jimmy. “This is exactly what me and my friends are like all the damn time.”

I growled. “Way to throw him in the deep end.”

“Honesty is the best policy.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Language, Lena,” he tutted. “Watch the fucking language.”

Tom cleared his throat, straightening his already unbearably straight tie. “Mr. Ferris, I’m afraid I’m going to have to withdraw my interest in the position. And Lena, you seem like a nice girl, but this relationship you have with your employer isn’t healthy.”

“Hey,” said Jimmy, looking down his nose at the man. “You don’t know anything about it.”

“Believe me, Tom, I’m aware,” I said. The man obviously knew a train wreck when he saw one.

With one last nod, he strode out, taking with him my last hope of an easy exit. It had always been a pipe dream really, I should know better. Nothing about Jimmy had ever been easy.

Speaking of which, I took the opportunity to smack him in the arm with the back of my hand.

“What was that for?” he bitched, rubbing at his arm as if I’d actually hurt him. Such a damn baby.

“Don’t even start with me.”

His scowl increased. “We talking in the office?”

“No, why bother? You’ve already managed to run him off,” I said, folding my arms beneath the swell of my breasts. “Well done, Jimmy.”

“You said I had to meet him. I met him.”

“You take orders from her now?” Ben asked, putting down his phone for once. “When did this start?”

Jimmy didn’t even spare him a glance. “Shut up, Ben.”

“Yes, you met him,” I said. “And then you terrified him. You probably just took ten years off his life.”

“That wasn’t me. That was Mal. Fuck, no one can control him.”

I poked him in the chest. “You unleashed Mal upon that poor unsuspecting man. It was cruel, Jimmy.”

“These people are my family, Lena. What, I’m supposed to hide them away, act like I’m ashamed of them? The guy was a judgmental dickhead with a stick up his ass. He would have lasted two seconds with me. Never would have worked.”

“That is not true. You had your mind made up before he even walked in.”

He cracked his jaw. “Look, just let it go, Lena. Everyone’s here. Can we have dinner now?”

“I’ve got a date with Dean. Enjoy your dinner.”

“What? You didn’t tell me about that.”

“You knew I was going to go out with him again.”

Little lines sat alongside his lips and the story they told was not one of joy. “But not tonight. I organized this.”

“Yes, behind my back. So sorry, I can’t make it.”

His chin rose and for a moment he said nothing, just looked at me. “You don’t look sorry.”

“Yeah? Well, I guess I’m mad at you right now,” I said, my blood still rushing through me at a rate of knots. “And it’s kind of hard to care about your feelings when you give so little thought to mine.”

“That’s not fair,” he bit out.

“Oh, really?”

“You know I’m trying.”

“Not today, you weren’t,” I said. “Today you just did whatever the hell you wanted and fuck what matters to me.”

Someone made a noise and I actually startled, spun on my heel, and gaped. I’d completely forgotten about the others. Entirely forgotten about our three-person audience, just sitting in the wings, watching the drama. David looked shell-shocked, his mouth hanging open. Ev was busy rubbing his shoulder, offering comfort. Meanwhile, the bass player’s eyes were wide and white as moons.

“Huh,” said Ben.

Down the hallway, Mal and Anne fell out of the ground floor bathroom, both laughing. They were still putting their clothes back to rights. It made for a perfectly timed distraction if I could just make a break for the door.

“That was fast,” said Jimmy, voice cutting.

“But it was meaningful,” cried Mal. “Shut up, Jimbo. What would you know about significant intimate relationships?”

“Seems Jim might now more about them than we realized.” David gave his brother a speculative look.

Jimmy gritted his teeth. “Fuck off, Davie. She works for me. End of story.”

It didn’t hurt. It couldn’t. Even my idiot heart had to accept the truth eventually. This particular harsh reality had been shoved in my face so many times I’d formed thick ugly scabs where the wounds would have been.

“Ah, I see,” said Mal, still buttoning up his jeans. “Interesting. I’m going to tell you what I told Killer at puppy training today when he tried to mount a teacup poodle he’d only just met. If she means something to you, you gotta do the woo, son. You can’t just be trying to stick it in.”

“Fuck’s sake.” Jimmy scrubbed at his face with his hands. It would have been amusing if it hadn’t been about me.

“And on that note, I’m out of here,” I said, waving and walking backward. My hip of course caught the corner of the side table, a swift or smooth exit beyond me. “Shit, ouch. Have a nice night.”

“You all right? Lena, c’mon. Blow him off.” He swallowed hard. “Don’t worry about that counselor guy.”

“Tom. His name was Tom.”

“I organized dinner to try and apologize to you about the door.”

I shrugged into my coat. “Not necessary. I’d already forgiven you for that. Why don’t you try apologizing for sabotaging the meeting with Tom instead?”

His lips thinned.

“Right. Well, why don’t you give Liv a call, Jimmy? I’m sure she’d be delighted to get an invite. I’m meeting Dean in town soon so I have to go. ’Night.” I jogged down the stairs. Right then, I just had to get away from him as fast as I could. A pity I’d be missing out a night with Ev and the guys. Despite the insanity they were beginning to feel more and more like family. Right now, I could have done with some of that.

# # #

The fake biker bar was hot and crowded and I most definitely wasn’t having fun. If one more nice, clean, leather-clad cool person accidentally knocked into me I’d punch them in the face. This was, apparently, Dean’s crowd. He seemed to know everyone here. Sure as hell, no self-respecting biker would step foot inside the place. You didn’t have to be an expert in mc culture to know the place was a fraud. I’d more chance of tripping over a trust fund baby’s leather loafer than a real live biker boot.

Bet they were having fun at Jimmy’s dinner party.

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to force Tom on him. Crap, I no longer had a god damn clue what the right or wrong thing to do was regarding Jimmy Ferris. If I ever had to begin with. From day one I’d been out of my depth, wading in shark-infested waters. I wondered if he’d called Liv and invited her over as suggested. Jealousy slithered up my spine. Dating was the right thing for Jimmy, it was. My inability to find inner peace and harmony over it was my own damn problem.

Time to suck it up, baby.

Dean stood a few feet away from me, deep in conversation with some guy about the values of different soundboards. No one could blame him. Tonight, I’d officially been voted world’s worst company. I played with the straw in my gin and tonic, pushing the slice of lime first to the left, then over to the right. Back and forth, back and forth. I’d yet to take an actual sip, it just felt wrong. Like I was cheating somehow, stupid but true.

Stage Dive blared out over the sound system and it was all I could do not to scream. Further proof of my predicament. My whole world was Jimmy Ferris and it was my own damn fault. For years I’d been drifting, getting over the betrayal of my delightful sister and her wonderful fiancé. It was time to start making plans again. If I could just figure out what I wanted.

Maybe I should talk to Pam again, ask about how she got into photography. There’d been something about lining up the shots, seeing the world through the lens that appealed to me. Bored, I pulled out my cell and started snapping off some pictures. The swaying dreds of one of the male bartenders as he shook up a cocktail. A crowd of patrons’ hands, reaching across the bar, calling for service. A partial shot of a couple, the two women leaning in close, holding hands. This was fun. My night had been saved.

I lined up a view of some of the bottles behind the bar. The flat screen beside them caught my eye and I lowered my camera. On screen was a face, an eerily familiar one. The marrow in my bones turned to ice.

“Oh, no.”

They’d cleaned her up, but it was still definitely her, Jimmy and David’s mother. Her normally pale sickly skin had been covered in garish makeup. She looked orange with coral pink slashes instead of lips. Still too thin with all sorts of nasty shit shining bright in her blue eyes, the bitch. Next a series of pictures of Jimmy flashed up, him walking into rehab and another of him obviously high on something. Then there was the snake herself, sitting on a couch, pouring her heart out to the camera if the dewy look in her eyes was any indication. Text ran along the bottom of the screen which was good. I couldn’t hear a thing over the music.

“I’m homeless. I’m on the street while they live in mansions. They’ve turned their backs on me because they have money and fame. They’re ashamed of the simple loving home that they came from. It’s such a betrayal. My heart is broken, I don’t know what else to say.”

A big fat tear ran down her face, leaving a streak in her makeup. The equally tarted-up blonde interviewer reached across, clasping her hand, offering comfort. My stomach rolled queasily.

“Shit,” I muttered.

“Lena?” Dean grabbed at my arm. “What’s wrong?”

“I have to go. I’m sorry, I’ve got to go.” I shook him off, not even looking back.

He called out something, but I didn’t slow down. Bye-bye biker bar. Heels couldn’t get me home fast enough, so they had to go too. I hopped along, tearing off first one then the other, dumping them both. The bitter cold of the concrete stung the soles of my feet, dirt and grit sticking to my skin. All that mattered was getting home.

Jimmy.

Please let him be okay. He wouldn’t take this well, no one would, your own damn mother selling you out. The woman was pure evil. My heart pounded and sweat beaded on my forehead. People got out of my way, a good thing.

“Where’s the damn keys?” I raged, searching through my bag, completely forgetting the Merc would open just because they were near. Thank fuck for technology.

I flung myself into the car, slamming the door shut behind me. Engine on and I was away, rushing through the nighttime traffic. Someone got in my way and I let loose with the horn. The guy flipped me the bird, as if I cared. Though if a cop saw me driving this way I was done for.

It seemed to take forever to get home and when I did, every light in the house was blazing like some ominous beacon standing in the mist. A horror movie couldn’t have done it better. I pulled into the driveway, tires screeching. One of the butler dudes looked up from where he was packing stuff into the back of a white van, his face startled.

Into the house I ran. “Jimmy!”

Ev’s face appeared at the top of the stairs. “Up here, Lena.”

I might have busted a lung or two somewhere along the way because all I could do was pant. I’d gotten there, however, and that’s all that mattered.

Everyone was loitering outside of Jimmy’s bedroom door, including Liv. Had she been invited before or after I decided not to attend? It didn’t matter.

Tension and pain lined David’s face. “Lena, hey. He’s refusing to talk to anyone, locked himself in. She did a real hatchet job on him, went after him with the worst.”

“I can imagine.” Given she’d focused her attack on him in Idaho, it made sense. “Can you give us a minute?”

Lots of worried looks. Mal and Ben both deferred to David, waiting on him to speak.

“Please,” I said.

At long last, David nodded and slowly, the group headed down stairs, Anne nudging Liv along. No matter how many times Liv looked back, I wasn’t meeting her eyes. One apocalypse at a time and all that. I waited for the last of them to go, the marble freezing my feet. Then I knocked on the door. “Jimmy?”

No answer.

“Jimmy, it’s just me. Open the door please.” I knocked again, then tried the handle. It was locked of course. “Jimmy.”

Nothing.

I placed my palms flat against the smooth wood in entreaty. “I know you’re upset and you want to be alone, but I’m not going away until we’ve talked. You need to let me in, I have to see that you’re okay. Please open the door.”

Silence filled the hall.

“Jimmy?”

Nada.

“One way or another I am coming in there.” I rested my forehead against the door, frustration gnawing at my insides. There were no booms or crashes at least, just a scary sort of silence. The thought of where his head might be at terrified me. I hated feeling helpless. His hissy fit the other night when I’d locked him out now made perfect sense. Man, we were screwed up. Just his assistant my ass.

“James Dylan Ferris, open the god damn door.” I smacked my palm against the door, waiting and hoping, though I didn’t really expect him to answer. The stubborn jerk. “Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

If he could do it, so could I.

“You’re not keeping me out.”

And really, how hard could breaking down a door be? People did it all the time in the movies. I’d been jogging lately and was in better shape than I had been, despite the sweat currently coating my back. Sometimes, a girl just had to do what a girl had to do. And I had to get to Jimmy. He hadn’t opened the door to his family so getting them to help didn’t seem right. First, I’d try on my own. For all I knew, he could be crying again and if I let David and co see him in that condition it wouldn’t be good. The man had his pride.

I took a few steps back, squared my arm, and rammed the bastard. Gave it all I had.

Bam!

And holy shit, ouch.

The door rattled and my arm stung from shoulder to elbow. My funny bone went beserk, making me wince. Alright, so it was harder than it looked. Time to try something else.

I raised my leg and braced myself, taking a deep breath. There was no room for fear. Yes, I could and I would do this because I was woman, so hear me roar.

Instead, I howled.

My foot struck the door and pain reverberated up my leg, wave after endless wave of it.

“Motherfucker!” My ass hit the floor (which also hurt) and tears filled my eyes. “Ow.”

The door opened. “Lena?”

“Hey.” Care of watery eyes, the vision of Jimmy swam before me. “Hi.”

“What the fuck did you do?”

“I was trying to kick your door down. It didn’t work.” My voice was not high, pathetic, and plaintive. I did not whimper. Instead, I held my sore ankle tight with both hands, swearing up a storm on the inside. “I think I might have sprained it.”

Many footsteps pounded up the stairs.

“She all right?” That sounded like Ben.

“Get some ice,” Jimmy directed, kneeling beside me. “Lena, what the hell did you think you were doing? You’re not strong enough to kick in doors, for fuck’s sake.”

“Well, I didn’t know,” I hiccupped, blinking madly, trying to stem the embarrassing stream of tears running down my face, rivers of the bastards. Luckily, Jimmy stayed between me and everyone else. Sometimes hiding really was the best response if you hoped to have any dignity left come morning.

“Let me see.” He lifted my hands away, gingerly feeling up my ankle. “Wiggle your toes.”

I did so.

“Probably not broken then.”

“No.”

With gentle fingers, he brushed off my sole. “Why are your feet all dirty?”

“News about the interview came up on a TV in the bar. Have you ever tried to run in heels?”

“Okay, calm down.” Without warning, he slipped an arm beneath my knees. The other went behind my back and then up I went. Whoa, the man was strong. I heard no knees creaking or any complaints of lower back pain. All of the weight lifting he did must be paying off. He carried me in and placed me on his bed while I blinked the tears from my eyes. My ankle had apparently been replaced with a hot throbbing mess.

I’d never been in Jimmy’s room before. He had a big-ass bed covered in super-soft black sheets—Egyptian cotton would be my guess. The walls were painted a soft grey and some dark wood furniture was carefully arranged. No wonder he’d been aghast at the lived in appearance of my room. Apart from the smashed lamp on the floor in the corner, the place was immaculate. He saw me look at the broken light and said nothing. The shadows in his eyes were a horrible thing to see.

Damn the woman to hell for hurting him this way. Hadn’t she done enough damage when they were little?

“I always figured you’d have mirrors on the ceiling,” I said, tipping my head back, trying to take his mind off the drama.

“I’ll get right on that.” He sat on the ginormous mattress beside me, placing my foot in his lap. “What the fuck was going through your head out there, huh?”

“Reciprocity. You destroy hotel rooms and kick stuff in, now I beat down doors. We have something in common, you know? It was going to be a beautiful moment, really bonding.”

“Lena,” he growled.

“I had to get to you.” It was the simple unadorned truth. Didn’t mean I needed to be looking at him when I said it, however. Ever so slowly, I flexed my ankle, turning it this way and that. It ached, but it wasn’t the pass-out-and-die kind of pain any longer. Now it seemed closer to some mild form of torture. “Crap, ouch.”

“Dave, call a doctor,” he yelled to the hallway. “I need them here now.”

“On it,” he said.

Oh, great. Everyone was present to see me in my moment of triumph. I slipped a finger either side beneath my glasses to wipe away any last remnants of tears. Two nights running I’d been reduced to this state. When had my life gotten so crazy? I shrugged out of my coat, got comfortable for the duration.

“Here.” Ben rushed in, handing Jimmy a bundle of ice in a tea towel.

He held it against my heroic war wound, the chill giving me goose flesh. Though frankly, now that I could see clearly, Jimmy didn’t appear to be all that impressed by my bravery and determination. Dark hair fell around his face as he frowned at my foot. There were a good five or six wrinkles on his forehead, a critical mass of creases. The man was seriously unhappy.

By now, everyone else had wandered on in, drawn by the drama. Liv didn’t seemed particularly enthralled by the goings on either. Though enthralled didn’t quite fit and neither did confused. A mix of baffled and dismayed might best describe her expression.

“You need anything else?” asked Ben, hovering a few feet back.

“No,” said Jimmy, staring at the French polish on my toes compliments of the beautician he’d paid for. “We’ll just wait for the Doc.”

David slid an arm around Ev’s neck. “Alright, we’ll hang downstairs until he arrives. Yell if you need anything.”

Jimmy nodded, still holding the ice pack to my ankle. His other hand firmly braced the underside of my foot. As if I’d try to get away if he wanted to touch me, I was too far gone for such wisdom.

People shuffled on out.

“Jimmy?” Liv’s voice had a slight tremor to it.

“Talk to you later, Liv.”

Her hands moved restlessly at her sides. “I probably better get back to LA. I’ve got fittings starting in a few days.”

“Right.”

“Okay.” Liv pasted on a pretty smile. Full marks to her, the woman was one hell of an actress after all. “Bye.”

“Yeah.” He didn’t even look at her, the jerk. It was highly tempting to kick him with my good foot, make him be polite at the very least. But that would not only solve nothing, it would also be extremely hypocritical of me. Despite knowing Jimmy should date, seeing him with another woman hurt well beyond the current throbbing in my foot. It was just that the pain in her eyes was one I knew all too well, I couldn’t help but relate.

Me and that pain, we were best buds on oh-so-many levels. Jimmy Ferris was hell on a girl’s heart (and occasionally on the ankles too).

Liv left.

For a few minutes we sat in silence, my slowly freezing foot resting atop his thigh.

“Jimmy?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you tell me what happened?”

His fingers tensed around my heel. “We were sitting at dinner and suddenly everyone’s phones started going nuts. Apparently she only got fifteen grand for it, she should’ve held out for more. Adrian’s got lawyers on it, but … I told him to let it go.”

“Why?” I gasped.

“The stuff she told them, it’s all true. Not like she signed a waiver when she gave birth, you know. Guess she’s entitled to her slice of the cake.”

“Like hell. She’s entitled to exactly nothing.”

A smile ghosted across his lips. I could only just see it through his mess of hair. When I’d left, it had been neatly slicked back. Now, his fingers had obviously staged some sort of revolt. The need to reach out and slide those strands back behind his ear so I could see him was huge.

“Did you see it?” he asked. “What she said?”

“Just the bit where she was saying she was homeless while you two live in mansions.”

“Well you missed the best part.” His chin almost touched his chest. “I did use to yell all sorts of shit at her, throw stuff. Only ever hit her once, though.”

My throat tightened to the point of pain. “Why did you hit her, Jimmy?”

“I came home and she was cleaning the place out, ready to finally leave,” he said. “I was fourteen. Dave was busy over at Mal’s house, thank god. One of her stoner friends had a car loaded up in the yard with everything we had of value. Not that there was much, the TV, microwave, shit like that. She came walking out of the house carrying Dave’s acoustic guitar. He worked his ass off mowing lawns all summer to pay for that thing. It was just a cheap one from the hockshop, nothing really. But he’d wanted one for so long, thought it was the shit.”

“I bet he did.”

“I told her to put it back, told her that it would break Dave’s heart, but she didn’t care. Said he was spoiled, that he could do with some toughening up. Like either of us were spoiled living in that house with her, holes in our clothes, miracle if we got fed.” One side of his mouth drew up, but it wasn’t in a smile. “She backhanded me, told me to get out of the way. She was wearing a ring.” He pointed to a tiny star of a scar above his top lip, half hidden in stubble. “See?”

“I see.”

“I slapped her, snatched the guitar right out of her hands. I wasn’t that big yet, didn’t get my growth spurt until I was fifteen, but I was big enough.” He looked down at his palm. “Her cheek went bright red. It looked horrible, but she didn’t do anything. Just kept looking at the guitar, stunned that I had it now and she didn’t. Then her friend came, dragged her into the car and they were gone. Just like that, mom was a memory. Well, she came back eventually … unfortunately.”

He looked up at me, face pale. “Everything she said, it’s all true. No one needs to make shit up about me.”

“Did you ever tell David about this?”

“No, just would have upset him. He still thought she’d sober up one day, get her shit together and be a real mom. He was a dreamer even back then.”

“After everything she’d done?”

He didn’t respond.

“You protected him for years, didn’t you?”

“Someone had to. I’d tell him to go hide, soon as she started, didn’t want him to see. He had to have heard though, because sometimes she’d scream at the top of her lungs. Mom was a mean drunk. Usually on dope she’d just drift off, leave us alone, but get a bottle of bourbon into her and the whole fucking neighborhood knew about it.” He grabbed the back of his neck, face pained. “She’d slap me around. Couldn’t have her doing that to Dave. He was always the sensitive one. No big deal. Besides, she could be pretty fucking funny stumbling around.”

“Why didn’t you father do anything about it?”

“She’d be better when he was home, mostly. But he just pretended it wasn’t happening. Not like the signs weren’t all there, our garbage can would be overflowing with bottles, no food in the fridge ’cause she’d spent all the money on booze and shit.” He turned to me. “He loved her, Lena. Loved her so much that he chose her over us. That’s what love does to you, it fucks you up.”

“Not always. Look at David and Ev.”

He inhaled. “They’re happy for now. But one day, one of them will be like Mal’s dad, like my dad’s been since she left.”

“So it’s preferable to live your life alone and unhappy?”

“Better than winding up broken. Better than breaking someone.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“First pills I ever took were stolen from mom’s stash. It was my great big fuck you to her.” His laughter was bitter. “If she was going to tell me how like her I was all the time, then I figured I might as well live up to it. Look how well that turned out. I am just like her, Lena.”

“No, you’re not. You’re clean now, you beat it.”

“The shit I’ve done over the years.” For a moment his eyes closed tight. Then he went back to studying my foot, reshuffling the cold wet ice pack. “All the things she said to me … she was right. I’ll never be clean, not really. Always be an addict at heart.”

“Jimmy, that’s just not true. You know it’s not. You did the work, you got clean.” I knew a little about people saying stuff, wounding you with words. The scars lingered a long, long time.

His lips were thin and white.

“Have you ever told anyone?”

A sharp short shake of his head. “No.”

“You can trust me, you know? I’m not going to turn on you or think less of you, that’s never going to happen.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

I cocked my head. “Did you just call me a liar?”

He pushed back his hair (finally), eyes wary. The man was in no rush to speak because he kept me waiting a long time.

“Well?” I prompted.

“This is one of those traps women use. No matter what I say you’re gonna chew my ass out over it.”

“I’m just asking for a little faith from you.” I stared back at him every bit as carefully as he was at me. “Whatever that woman said to you is utter and complete bullshit, Jimmy. You know that. So why are you still letting it live inside of you?”

He gently rubbed the palm of his hand against the flat of my foot. “Break something badly enough, there’s no point trying to fix it.”

“That’s what you tell yourself?”

“That’s the truth.”

“Hey, no. It isn’t.” I reached out, grabbing hold of his arm. Through the fine fabric of his shirt his muscles were strained, his skin hot. For over twenty years, he’d been carrying around all this pain and anger, self-hatred. The two people responsible for loving and caring for him when he was small and defenseless had failed him miserably. Little wonder he was so defensive, he’d been taught to expect attack, to trust no one.

“You are a good person, Jimmy. You’re a good man.”

“Lena.” He stared at my hand.

“She doesn’t know who you are today. I do. So who are you going to believe?”

His mouth opened and I waited some more.

Yes, he was talking to me but I needed more, I needed an in with him. The pain he carried around had to end. Few deserved freedom from their past as much as Jimmy did. He’d worked so hard, turned his entire life around.

His jaw shifted and maybe, just maybe this time …

Someone rapped at the door, the same one I’d so utterly failed to break down. Of course they did, fuck the universe and all it entailed. Though honestly, what were the chances Jimmy would ever take that final step and trust me?

Unlikely.

No, I couldn’t afford to think like that. I had to get through to him.

A neat middle-aged woman with short dark hair strode in, bag in hand. David followed behind her, gaze shifting between me and his brother with open curiosity. “This is Courtney. She’s here to check out Lena’s foot.”

“That was fast.” The doctor. Crap. My stupid ankle had ruined everything. I really needed to not try storming the castle by beating up innocent doors, in future. But if I hadn’t, if I’d just been content to sit outside, locked out, Jimmy wouldn’t have told me as much as he had. I’m certain some distance had been covered. Exactly what it meant, I wasn’t quite sure.

Jimmy lifted my leg off his lap, slipping out from underneath it. “She tried to kick the door down.”

Dr. Courtney’s eyes cut to me.

I shrugged. “I had something I had to say to him. He wouldn’t open it.”

She instantly turned judgey eyes onto Jimmy. Yay for the sisterhood!

“It wasn’t my fault,” he said, pouting.

“I’ve been called to lots of lover’s tiffs over the years, but this is a new one,” the Doctor said.

“Oh, we’re not involved,” I said.

The good Doctor snorted and got busy feeling up my foot. Ever so not very carefully, she twisted and turned it, this way and that. I yowled and winced as needed. Finally, she pronounced the verdict of a sprained ankle. I declined any meds for the pain, not wanting them in the house. So, over-the-counter ibuprofen was diagnosed to stop the swelling and a highly fashionable boot thing would be arriving within the hour. At least this would get me out of jogging. Go silver lining on that grey cloud.

She informed Jimmy he’d be sent a bill and left.

“You’re going to have to carry me up and down the stairs,” I said, trying to keep the smile off my face. “You’ll basically be my slave boy.”

Jimmy sighed, handing me a glass of water so I could throw back two of the horse-sized pills. At least I seemed to have taken his mind off his mother. I would have preferred a method not involving me sustaining bodily damage, but there you go.

“I’ll probably need a bell I can ring when I need you,” I said.

“I don’t fucking think so.”

“You want me hollering through the house?”

“Seeing as you do that already, it’s not like it’ll be a big change” he said. “Guess you won’t be leaving anytime soon. And you did it all to yourself.”

I gave him a dirty look.

David wandered in and cleared his throat. “Hey. You two are obviously okay for now, so we’ll all get out of your way.”

“Right,” said Jimmy. “Sorry about dinner …”

“Jim.” His brother chided, grabbing hold of his shoulder then pulling him in for one of those back thumping hugs. After a moment, Jimmy patted him stiffly in return a couple of times. A major move forward, frankly.

I couldn’t help but smile with approval.

The two brothers spoke in muted voices for a moment and I did my best not to listen. Then David approached, laying a hand on my head in benediction or something. “Take it easy, Lena.”

“Will do.”

His smile was one of great warmth. “Look out for him.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“I’ll tell the others to catch up with you later. ’Night.”

I got the distinct impression Jimmy and I were being left alone for reasons leading toward the romantic, by the youngest of the Ferris clan at least. His friends and family had perhaps gotten ideas about us. Oh well. The Stage Dive crew could think what they liked of the current status of Jimmy’s and my overly complicated relationship. It was beyond my control.

On the other side of the room, Jimmy leaned against the wall, watching me through hooded eyes. “How’d Dean take you running out on him?”

“I don’t know, probably not well.” To be honest, I’d given it no thought, but the odds were, Dean and I were done. I lay back against Jimmy’s bed, my foot propped on pillows. “Your bed’s more comfortable than mine.”

“Is it?”

“I’m just going to snooze here for a while.” Wounded people were allowed to push their luck. Everyone knew that. “Wake me when the boot arrives, slave.”

He said nothing, just watched as I made myself at home on his bed.

“This mattress is bigger than some small European countries.” I dragged my coat out from underneath me. A delicate procedure that involved much wiggling. My shirt rode up and I tugged it back down over my belly. “Say something, you’re making me feel awkward.”

“Why would you feel awkward, Lena? Just because you’re rolling around on my bed.”

“You could sit back down again and talk to me.” I patted the mattress beside me in a friendly, inviting manner.

“We’ve talked enough for one night.”

But he did flick off the light, leaving the glow of the bedside lamp on its lonesome. Then he walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down. He shucked off his shoes and, good god help me, lay down upon his back. Hands folded over his flat stomach he stared at the ceiling, giving it his usual frown of discontent.

Jimmy was on the bed with me.

I swear to you, my loins actually quivered.

This was better than my birthday and Christmas rolled into one, aching ankle or no. The most beautiful man I’d ever met lying close enough to almost touch. He was outright gorgeous. Ridiculously so. His face in profile, the curves of his lips and the perfect line of his nose. I didn’t have words to describe him. I didn’t have anything. My heart beat double time but I could ignore it.

“Are you okay?” I asked, voice little more than a whisper.

“Better than you.”

He’d said he’d talked enough. So, in my infinite wisdom, I actually let it go for once.

“You really do need mirrors on your ceiling,” I said.

He cut his eyes to the side and gave me an impatient look. “Where the fuck do you come up with these ideas?”

I laughed.

“Enough.” He reached out, switching off the bedside lamp. “Close your eyes and go to sleep. This day has been too damn long.”

“What about the boot?”

“I’ll get up when the boot comes.”

“All right.”

We didn’t talk for a while. Then, out of nowhere, came a mumbled, “Thanks for coming home.”

I searched for his free hand, grabbing hold once I found it. His fingers wrapped tight around mine

I smiled in the darkness. “Any time.”