CHAPTER FOUR

Two days later …

“What?” asked Jimmy in a terse voice, never taking his eyes off the TV. On screen, a hockey game raged on, the someones against the someone elses. No, I honestly didn’t care enough to figure out who was playing.

We’d been back in Portland for two days and had mostly returned to our usual routine with only one or two minor behavioral differences.

“Huh?” I asked, finger toying over the screen of my e-reader.

“You keep looking at me weird.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do.” He bristled, giving me impatient side eyes. “You been doing it all day.”

“I have not. You’re imagining things.”

He wasn’t imagining things. Ever since that day in Coeur d’Alene, things had been different. I’d been different. I couldn’t seem to see, hear, or be near him without reacting in ways I sincerely wished I did not. Contrary to my hopes, the feelings had not dissipated. Instead, they seemed to have settled in for the duration, sinking further and further into my heart and mind. All of those glimpses into his psyche and his troubled past had changed things irrevocably. Both in how I looked at him, and how often. The truth was, this horrible idiotic crush, or whatever the hell it was, probably showed on my face every time I turned his way. It certainly felt like it did.

“I’m not gonna freak out again or anything, Lena,” he said. “Relax.”

A pause. “No, I know. I’m not worried about that.”

“So stop looking at me already,” he grouched.

“I’m not!” I protested, sneaking a look.

He slumped further down in the corner of the couch, a frown embedded into his handsome face. Jeans and a black Henley were Jimmy’s casual home attire. I highly doubted a male model could have worn them as well. The man just had innate style and show. With my hair messily tied up on top of my head and glasses sitting on the end of my nose, I probably looked like an early candidate for a crazy cat lady. Give me a litter of kittens and I’d be set.

I put my e-reader aside, giving it up as a lost cause. With him in the room, I apparently had the concentration span of a four-year-old loaded up on sugar. But also, I had in fact come down here for a particular reason. “You didn’t call your brother back.”

“Hmm.”

“He’s called twice now.”

A one-shoulder shrug.

Tiny rivers of rain trickled down the outside of the window and a street light shone in the distance. Typical cold wet weather for this time of year. Just the thought of what it would be like outside in it was enough to make me shiver.

“I could grab the phone for you if you like,” I said. “I was just about to go get a drink.”

He slicked back his hair with the palm of his hand. “Why are you down here? You normally hang out in your room at night.”

“Is my being here a problem?”

“Didn’t say that. Just wondering what’s changed?”

Lots had changed. Lots and lots and then a bit more besides, the bulk of which I was still figuring out. No neat conclusions had yet presented themselves. I might have lied a smidgeon about not being worried about him. He did seem fine. Didn’t mean it wasn’t still my job to keep an eye on him. The funeral and his big blow-up still felt fresh.

“Nothing’s changed,” I lied. “Just got bored on my own, I guess.”

I pulled my comfy big old green cardigan tighter around me, feeling self-conscious. Plus the headlights were on high beam for some reason. Let us not explore why. But my annoying him was a given, I could probably manage it simply by breathing, such was the glory of Jimmy’s disposition. It’d never actually worried me before, however. I must be getting soft. Perhaps I shouldn’t have come down. Maybe I should just abort the spend-time/check-up-on-him mission and retreat back to my room.

“’kay,” he said.

That was it. All of that inner turmoil and he couldn’t even be bothered saying an entire word with regards to my presence. I guess he really didn’t mind.

“You cold?” he asked.

“Pardon?”

His head lay against the back of the couch, slowly looking me over. Nothing changed in his face, but his eyes seemed to heat somehow. Or maybe I was just imaging things.

“You’re all bundled up,” he said. “Need me to turn up the thermostat?”

“No. Thanks.” I might need to put some padding in my bra so my nipples were less obvious in their like for him. The room however was lovely and warm as the couch beneath my butt was beautifully comfortable. Jimmy didn’t stint on life’s luxuries. He wasn’t cheap.

“I’m good,” I said.

A chin tip.

“So, who’s winning the hockey game?” I curled my skinny jean clad legs up beneath me.

“I’m not really that into it. You can pick something to watch if you want.”

“Okay.” I held out my hand for the remote.

A soft chuckle came out of him, a rare, delightful sound indeed. It tickled over my skin in the strangest yet nicest fashion. If he actually ever laughed out loud I’d be in trouble.

“Not a chance, Lena. Only I operate the remote. I’ll flip through channels and you can tell me if anything appeals.”

“Only you operate the remote?”

“Yup.”

“Control freak.”

“It’s a state-of-the-art home entertainment system, Lena. I had it shipped from Germany, special.” He waved the funky black remote around like it was his scepter. King Jimmy. He wished. “No way I’m risking it with you.”

“What?” My mouth fell open. “What do you mean, you’re not risking it with me?”

“The coffee machine.” He grabbed a cushion and stuffed it behind his fat head, changing through to the first channel. A cooking show.

“Keep going.” I liked food. I just didn’t particularly want to be the one to have to make it. My mom had always done the cooking at home, suited me fine. “I barely touched the coffee machine. That was some weird random mechanical fault on the part of the universe.”

“Whatever.”

Next was some old 80s made-for-TV movie. You could tell by the hair, it was so high and dry looking. What wonders a keratin treatment would have done for those poor women. And the ginormous shoulder pads, yikes.

“Keep going, please,” I said. An old episode of Vampire Diaries flickered on next. “Ooh, Ian, you’re lovely. But I’ve already seen this one so keep going.”

“Thank fuck.” Jimmy punched the button and on came a nature documentary. Or at least I hoped that’s what it was given a shiny black stallion mounting a slightly terrified-looking mare took up the screen.

“Hey, it’s just like that shirt you borrowed off Mr. Ericson!” I clapped with joy and a slight amount of malice. “Horses humping, that’s beautiful.”

“You like that, do you?” his sly voice asked.

With the press of a button, miles and miles of bare and bouncy flesh filled the wide screen. With the exception of the woman in the man sandwich’s boobs. Those puppies stayed eerily gravity-defying still. And unlike mine, they weren’t the least bit pointy.

“That’s so sweet,” I sighed. “Nothing says true love like D.P.”

Jimmy sniggered and changed the channel, cars roared around a racetrack.

“Why is it so many men have the sense of humor of a smelly, pimple-faced, barely pubescent little jerk?” I pondered aloud.

“You don’t find that charming?” He asked, brow raised.

“Weird of me, I know.” I snagged a cushion and cuddled it to my chest. “I had this boyfriend once who thought it was amusing to … actually, no. I don’t want to tell that story. Ever.”

“Go on.”

“No. I’m happier pretending he never existed. Let’s leave my shameful dating choices in the past.”

“That’s hardly fair,” he said. “You know enough of my shit.”

Before I could form a reply Formula One turned into Downton Abbey and I squeed with excitement. “Stop here. Stop!”

Jimmy winced, rubbing his ear. “For Christ’s sake, use your inside voice.”

“This is a great show.” Two of the show’s lovers were chatting, decked out in the usual glorious English-gentry-type gear. Awesome. “And particularly pertinent to our situation, I think.”

“Huh?” Lip curled, he stared at the screen, distinctly unimpressed by the splendor. Plebian.

“It’s all about life in a turn-of-the-century noble house in England.”

“Yeah. The castle and what they’re wearing kind of gave it away.”

“Aren’t the dresses beautiful?” I hugged my cushion happily. I’d live and die in jeans, but it was nice to dream. “See, there are the wealthy lords and ladies who have everything and their servants, who have zilch and have to run around after the lords and ladies, catering to their every whim with barely a thank you all day long. I mean, they’re basically treated like second-class citizens and completely taken for granted by their bosses. Isn’t that barbaric?”

My irony-laden comment garnered a lone grunt. Though to be fair, he could put a lot of emotion into a grunt, quite a variation of tone and character. The way Jimmy did it, it was almost a sentence, a story. He turned being a caveman into an art form.

“And that’s Lady Mary.” I pointed at the screen. “She says all sorts of horrible things that she doesn’t mean, always hiding behind this snotty, rude persona. When really underneath she’s got a tender warm heart and a conscience just like everyone else. Doesn’t that sound similar to someone we know?”

“You talk a lot.” He yawned. “We watching this or what?”

“You’ll watch this with me?”

“It’s kind of nice having the company.” He kept his eyes on the screen. I thought I detected a hint of somber to his voice. Perhaps Ev had been right and he was lonely. Often the guys were coming and going during the day, but with Mal spending some time in Idaho with his family, the band was on a break. Jimmy had been more fidgety than normal, at a loss for what to do with himself. Even normally, however, nighttimes were quiet in the big house.

“Yeah, it is,” I said.

We sat in silence for a while, both of us studying the screen. Well, with the exception of me occasionally slyly studying him. I’d be an expert in covert relations by the time I finally left Portland.

He’d shoved his hands back behind his head, face relaxed and eyes open. Interestingly enough, he apparently got caught up in the period drama. Went to show you shouldn’t judge people. It was nice—companionable—sitting there with him as opposed to hanging alone in my room. I’d have to do it more often. For his sake of course.

“Sure you don’t want to call David?” I asked.

The edge of his mouth turned downward. “I can put the game back on real easy if you like.”

“None of my business, you’re right. Let’s just enjoy the show in silence, shall we?”

“Let’s,” he said in his deep voice.

# # #

Four days later …

“Lena, you seen my old black Led Zep shirt?”

“Nope.”

“You sure?” His brows became one dark cranky line. The scratches on his face were healing well, thank goodness. Though it didn’t reduce my desire to throttle his mother on a daily basis.

“Yes. I haven’t seen it.”

“Can’t find it anywhere…”

“And this is a surprise, how?” I slipped my hands into my back jean’s pockets. “Jimmy, you own more clothing than Cher, Brittney, and Elvis, put together. Things are bound to go missing.”

“Sure you haven’t seen it?”

“For goodness sake, what do you think, Jimmy? That I stole it to sleep in or something?” I laughed bitterly. Sure as hell, the truth deserved a good mocking. I’d sunk so despicably low.

I hadn’t even meant to steal the stupid thing, but the shirt had been mixed up with my laundry a few days ago. It’d been the first top I laid my hand on after stepping out of the shower, ready to go to bed. Without thought, I’d put it on and it’d been so soft, the scent of him lingering beneath the laundry detergent. Every night since, I’d found myself in it come bedtime. My shame knew no limits. And no, I still hadn’t quit. The words still hadn’t come even close to leaving my mouth.

He frowned. “No.”

“That I have some deep secret longing to feel close to you resulting in my stealing your shirt like some creepy perv?”

“Course I don’t fucking think that,” he replied crankily, reaching up to grip the top of the doorframe. All of his bulging muscles stretched the arms of his white T-shirt in the nicest way. It was all I could do not to start drooling, my heart beat taking up residence somewhere down between my thighs. And who could blame it? Not me. Maybe if I got laid, this would go away and things would return to normal. It’d seemed safer to avoid rubbing up against any men just in case I got carried away and started dating again. This new situation, however, changed everything.

“Well, of course not! That would be crazy.” And wasn’t that the god’s honest truth? Cray-zeee. Lock me up and throw away the key because it wasn’t like I didn’t know better.

“Just can’t figure out where the hell it could be.”

Angels couldn’t have smiled as innocently. They might have tried, but they would have failed, the dirty-mouthed, winged, little liars. “Jimmy, I don’t know where it is. But I’ll look around for it later, okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, and then added as an afterthought, “and stop looking at me weird.”

“I’m not!”

# # #

Six days later …

“No, c’mon,” he cried. “I saw that. That was a look.”

“What?”

“You looked at me.” His pointy threatening finger sat beneath my nose.

I smacked it away. “I’m not allowed to look at you? Really? Is this like one of those strange directives you hear about famous people having? No one’s allowed to talk to you or look at you, and there must be bowls of chocolate pudding everywhere you go from now on?”

His eyes narrowed.

I might have felt a smidgeon of guilt deep down inside. But this was about survival, I had no choice.

“I’m not on anything and I’m not gonna flip out again,” he muttered.

“I know that.”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“So then it’s not me, it’s you.”

Sirens and alarm bells rang inside my head. “What are you even talking about?”

“Deny it all you want, but I’m right. Something’s going on with you,” he said in a low voice. “I don’t know what the fuck it is. And I don’t want to know. I just want it to stop. Got it?’

“Jimmy, seriously, nothing’s going on.” I wound up my long hair and tied it into a loose knot, keeping my hands busy less their shakiness betray my guilt, the bastards. “And have you called David back yet? He called again. I’m getting tired of making excuses for you.”

“I’ve been busy.” He turned his back on me, staring out the window. “And I pay you to make excuses for me.”

“I think I’m going to start charging you extra for lies. Someone needs to pay for the stain on my soul.”

No reply. His broad shoulders seem to be bent beneath some weight, his spine bowed. Not good. This was a mood I apparently couldn’t joke him out of.

“You know you’ve been really tense lately,” I said. “Why don’t I book you a massage? Wouldn’t that be nice? And then afterward, we could chill out and watch some TV.”

He watched me over his shoulder, a muscle twitching in his jaw. “Sure, sounds good. I’m going for another jog.”

“It’s raining.”

“I won’t melt.” Without further ado he left, disappearing into the hallway. He was right of course, something was going on with me. What was going on with him and his brother concerned me much more.

# # #

Seven days later …

“You’re doing it again!” Jimmy stopped mid push-up, sweat dripping off his handsome face. “I’m not imagining it. You’re fucking doing it again.”

“Hmm?” I replied calmly, sitting at the kitchen counter. Black-and-white Italian marble because only the best would do for Jimmy. His house was expensively, luxuriously austere to a fault. Three levels of stark grey walls on the outside and black-and-white décor within. It basically looked like a post-modernist had thrown up in here and the decorator decided to call it a day. As if a splash of color would kill anyone. I was half-tempted to start buying obnoxiously bright rainbow-colored accessories, cushions, and a vase or two, and leave them around the house in protest just to see what he’d do.

“You are looking at me weird all the time.”

“No, I’m sorting your email. A different thing entirely.” I pried my gaze off his hot (in every sense of the word) body and returned it to the laptop. “Oh, look. Lingerie Girl has sent you another picture. A demi-bra this time, hot pink with tassels. I think the tassels are a nice touch. She’s even attached a video of her making them swing. Such a thoughtful girl.”

“Delete it.”

“But what if she says something important?”

“She’s a complete stranger sending me pictures of herself nearly naked dancing and bending over furniture.”

I hummed. “Yes, today we have a washing machine. Very sexy in a domestic erotica sort of way. A powerful statement about feminism, I think. This woman is deep.”

“Right.” He resumed his exercising. “This woman is not gonna say anything I need to hear.”

Outside, a bolt of lightning lit up the sky, making me jump. The crash of thunder came next.

“That was close.” I watched him carry on regardless of nature’s showing off. “Some of your fans are loco. Luckily, others are just delightful.”

A grunt.

The problem with the push-up lay within the way it pretty much mimicked the act of sex. (Lay. Heh.) All the sweating, straining, and up and down of the pelvic region. It was disgusting, shouldn’t be allowed. Also, I really needed to get laid or find someone willing to hold hands with me at the very least. Maybe I’d reached the limits of physical depravation and I was touch starved. God, I hoped that was all. Him holding me before the funeral had awakened certain needs I sadly couldn’t meet on my own. Nor was spending more time with him helping. We’d pretty much fallen into a habit of hanging out together each night, debating who got to choose what we’d watch.

It was nice. Too nice.

Last night when I’d wandered into the living room he’d actually almost smiled and shifted about in his corner of the couch. Like he’d been waiting on me or something, anticipating my arrival. I had to be reading the signals wrong. I’d given him a clumsy grin, sat down, and endured a quarter of football before my wits returned, I’d been so surprised. Even if I was wrong, it might just be time to break the ban on men, sex, and romance. Or at least with regards to the men and sex parts. I couldn’t keep mooning after Jimmy like a smitten teenager. Problem was, time spent with him just soothed something in me. Some need for companionship or a yearning for the friends I’d left behind when I’d decided to head out into the big bad world a few years back. When everything had gone to shit.

If only he wasn’t so nice to perv on. I crossed my legs, squeezing my thighs together. Sweat darkened the thin cotton of his shirt and the material stuck to him outlining each and every muscle. Man, he had a lot of them, his arms for instance …

“Lena!”

“What?”

“Stop it.”

My mouth slammed shut.

“You’re watching me all the time and it’s fucking creepy. I can’t take it anymore.”

Oh God, he was right.

I watched him constantly, I couldn’t help myself. And when I couldn’t watch him, I thought about him. Mostly about how I didn’t want to feel anything for him, but it still counted. I was losing it. Actually, I’d already lost it back in Coeur d’Alene to be brutally honest. My stupid heart stuttered as if to second the sentiment. All the sappy feelings for him in me were growing by the day, squeezing out every last vestige of common sense.

This couldn’t continue.

I could not go through this again.

“I have to go,” I muttered. The thought of leaving him was like having my heart dug out with a plastic spork, but what could I do?

He paused. “What?”

“I mean … I’m tired and I work very hard. You think dealing with your fan mail is easy?”

“No one asked you to deal with my fan mail. You took that job on yourself.”

“Well, I can’t just follow you around all day doing nothing. I need mental stimulation.”

With an exasperated sound, Jimmy jumped up in an overly athletic fashion. Show off. I bet he was amazing in bed. No, forget that, he’d be a selfish lover, too busy staring at himself in the mirrored ceiling to see to the business at hand. Between my legs just needed to calm the hell down.

Little lines appeared between his brows. “Explain to me how checking out pictures of chicks dancing around in their underwear is mentally stimulating for you. I need to hear about this.”

“They’re not all like that. Some of them are quite nice and just want a signed picture of you or a ‘thanks for contacting me, glad you liked the album’. You were ignoring them. It was rude.”

“Management can deal with them. And if you’re tired, go take a nap and get out of my face with your weirdness.” He looked at me like I was dwelling on the wrong side of the insane asylum walls. Fair enough, really.

“Fine.” I jabbed at the keyboard, shutting the laptop down. “I will.”

“Christ, you’re moody lately. Worse than me.”

I barked out a laugh. “Jimmy, did you just actually make a joke at your own expense?”

The side of his mouth curled up the tiniest bit. Good god, was that a flash of dimple? My pulse rocketed like it was the Fourth of July. I fucking loved dimples. They were so lickable, so divine.

“Lena,” he growled.

Instantly, I got wet. “Sorry. I just … what is that?”

I stopped and sniffed at the air. There was a strange smoky smell in the room lingering beneath the musk of Jimmy’s sweat and the remnants of his cologne. I thought my imagination must be playing tricks on me, but no. My heart sunk to the depths of my chest. As signs went, this wasn’t a good one.

“What’s what?” he asked.

“The cigarette smell.” I stood, wandering around the table. “It’s coming from you.”

He sat back on his haunches. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s also coming from your jacket.”

His gaze jumped to the item of clothing in question, left hanging on the back of a kitchen chair. It was a gray all-weather one, nothing fancy though I bet it cost a bomb. Perfectly suitable for skulking about outside to have a smoke. He licked his lips, eyes suddenly cagey. “Lena…”

“You’ve started smoking again, haven’t you?”

“Don’t require your permission. I can do what I like.”

“Then why have you been hiding it from me?”

He jumped to his feet, brushed off his hands. “’Cause it’s none of your business.”

“Guess again, bud. You and your health is exactly my business.”

Hand extended, he reached for the jacket. Sadly, for him, I was well ahead of the game there. I clasped the coat to my chest, rifling through pockets one-handed. It couldn’t have been going on for long. Still, I should have been paying more attention, been on it the minute it began.

“Give it to me,” he said, tugging on a stray sleeve.

I liberated the gold cardboard box from a side pocket and held it behind me, out of his reach. “No more, Jimmy. You’ve worked so hard to get healthy, you are not losing ground now.”

“You going to bitch at me about drinking coffee next?” He tossed the jacket aside, well riled up. His damp hair hung in his face, eyes flashing fury. “It’s just the occasional fucking cigarette. I’ve given up everything else. Hand them over, Lena.”

“You know you shouldn’t be smoking. That’s why you look so guilty.”

“I do not look guilty,” he said, voice terse and face guilty as all god damn hell. “I’m a grown man and I repeat, this is none of your business.”

“I care about you.” I quickly dashed back away from him, putting some room between me and the angry rock star. The nice big eight-seater kitchen table made a suitable barricade. Though ideally an electric fence would have been best given the look on his face. A cattle prod wouldn’t hurt either.

“You gave these up for a reason,” I said. “What was it?”

“Give them back.” He held out his hand demandingly, mouth flat and unimpressed.

“You made the choice to stop using them months ago, didn’t you? Why did you do that, Jimmy? Tell me.”

He declined to answer. Instead, slowly he moved left. So I of course moved right, keeping the same distance and the bulk of the table between us. Safety mattered.

“Lena,” he said in a low voice. “I don’t feel like going out in this storm to buy another pack tonight so you are going to give those back to me. And then you’re going to keep your pretty little nose out what doesn’t concern you.”

“No.”

“That’s an order, Lena.”

Did he really still think orders worked with me? By the firm set of his jaw, I guessed yes. Crazy wishful thinking on his part.

“Let’s compromise here,” I said, pulling a chair out from beneath the table. “I think we should sit down and talk about this like adults. Discuss the pros and cons, and make sure you’re making an informed decision.”

His big body held preternaturally still, strong fingers grasping the back of the chair in front of him. “Sure. We can do that.”

“Thank you. That’s all I’m asking.”

Slowly, he sat himself down in the chair. The he cocked his head, waiting for me to do likewise. Veins in his neck and arms stood out against the skin. Please, as if he wasn’t ready to pounce. The man must think I was an idiot. My breath quickened, breasts rising and falling beneath my shirt. For a moment his gaze stayed caught on them, color lighting his face. Boobs did make for an awesome distraction.

I might not be able to stop him smoking long term. I knew that. But I was sure as hell stopping him for tonight and then talking to him properly about it. Sadly, he sat between me and the garbage composter which would have made short work of destroying the things. I’d have to get inventive.

“Okay. I’m really glad we can be reasonable about this.” I pretended to start lowering my curvy butt onto the chair. “Thanks for agreeing to talk it out with me, Jimmy.”

Shiny sharp teeth filled in his handsome smile. “Course, Lena. Anything for you.”

“That’s so sweet.” I smiled.

And then I bolted.

Adrenaline surged through me and my legs were pumping for all I was worth. I’d flush the fuckers in the bathroom off the front hallway. Perfect. Lucky it wasn’t that far because even with the head start, he was gaining fast. Given he liked jogging and I liked pie, this was to be expected.

The chiming of the front door bell echoed through the house. It kept time with the pounding of my heart and the thumping of Jimmy’s heavy footsteps behind me. I grabbed hold of the edge of the bathroom door, socked feet slipping on the slick marble floor. So close now. Jimmy’s arm looped around my waist, drawing me back. But with his bare feet and my socked ones, neither of us had great traction. We did, however, have a lot of momentum. I flew forward, feet leaving the cold hard ground. If it wasn’t for Jimmy’s hold I’d have cracked open my chin on the hallway floor. As it was, my knees bore some of the impact, but he took the brunt. His palm smacked hard against the marble floor, breaking our fall and holding me up those few necessary inches to spare my face from meeting its doom. I lost my grip and the pack of cigarettes skittered across the floor, stopping.

Again the doorbell rang.

My hair had escaped its topknot, falling in my face in a dark tangle. I spied the pack a few yards out from the front door and scurried forward, clawing after the damn thing.

Jimmy put a halt to this by simply lowering his monstrous weight on top of me, trapping me belly down. Muscle made him approximately the same bulk as a baby elephant.

It turned out then when squished, I made a sound horribly close to “oomph-urgh.”

Jimmy laughed most evilly.

“Get off me,” I yelled, wriggling beneath him.

“Are you going to give this up?” His breath was warm against my ear, the length of his body pressed against my back. In any other situation, it’d be damn arousing. My ass accidentally rubbed against his groin and oh wow, holy hell. A hot flush swept straight through me.

Damn. So, it was arousing. “Never!”

“You’re not going to win.” Sweaty fingers wrapped around my wrist, holding it back from reaching the treasure. I could feel his cock firming, pressing against my rear. Hell, now he was enjoying it too much too. It had to be just a physical response on his part. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Oh, and you’re not?” I panted, nipples drilling holes into the marble flooring.

“Lena—”

Someone banged on the front door. Huh, that’s right, we had a visitor outside waiting in the storm. All while we wrestled it out in a pseudo-sexual manner on the front entry floor. Excellent.

Keys jangled and the lock turned, then David Ferris came in along with a gust of bitingly cold wet air. A damp late-autumn leaf slapped me in the face. Jimmy carefully peeled it off before I could react. The wind cut off as David shut the door behind him. He stood frowning down at us.

“Guys,” he said, eyes alight with laughter. “You taking up wrestling or what?”

“Why yes.” I tapped my short fingers nails against the floor, put my head in my hand. “It was too wet for Jimmy to go jogging, so … yeah. Had to improvise.”

David’s tongue played behind his cheek, his smile huge. “Right. Great.”

On my back, Jimmy groaned. “She was acting nuts about something. Long story.”

“I was doing my job and caring for your welfare,” I said. “Will you get off me already?”

Then David noticed the pack of cigarettes at his feet. Shit. The wrinkles on his forehead were too numerous to count. With the toe of his combat boot, he kicked them toward us. Lightning quick, Jimmy snatched them. Dammit.

“You start smoking again, Jim?” His brother’s voice expressed great displeasure and disappointment. Every inch of Jimmy tensed against my back.

“They’re mine,” I said.

“No, they’re not.” My boss’s gargantuan mass disappeared off of me. Before I could return myself to an upright position, hands gripped me beneath the arms. I was lifted back up onto my feet like I weighed no more than a dandelion.

Jimmy cleared his throat. “Something else for you to disapprove of about me, right Dave?”

“That’s not the way it is,” his brother said, face somber. “I’ve been trying to call you all week.”

“Yeah. Sorry, been busy.”

“Right.”

The two brothers just sort of stared at one another. This reunion was not going well at all. If Jimmy had his lips any more tightly pinned together they’d have disappeared from existence. Women everywhere would mourn their loss. Or at least I would.

The pain and regret in David’s eyes was horrible to see. Surely Jimmy would forgive him. He was family. Mind you, I wasn’t exactly the poster child for absolving siblings. But these two were different, they loved each other.

“It’s good you came over,” I said. “How’s Ev?”

“Fine. Thanks.” David nodded.

“We’re just in the middle of something here, Dave.” Fingers wrapped crushingly tight around the cigarette pack, Jimmy did his usual avoidance thing. He glared at the floor like it’d eaten the last Reece’s Pieces mini-cup in the pack. Not that he ate chocolate, but you get what I mean.

“I’ll catch you later,” he said dismissively, not even looking at his brother.

My spirits dived. “Jimmy—”

“Later okay, Dave?” His firm voice echoed through the room. The silence that followed it was awful.

“Don’t.” I stepped closer to him, keeping my voice low. “You two should talk.”

“It’s okay, Lena.” David scratched his head, gave me a mildly embarrassed look. Water dripped off his coat, forming puddles at his feet. “We’ll talk when he’s ready.”

Jaw set, Jimmy stared down at me, saying nothing.

Without another word David turned and opened the door, heading back out into the storm. Jimmy swung the door shut. Plastic crinkled as he crushed the pack of cigarettes into nothing more than mangled rubbish.

“Go after him. Now.” I jogged over to the hallway closet and threw open the door, grabbing the first jacket I found.

He hurled the mess of cardboard and tobacco onto the side table. The cigarettes had definitely met their end.

“Be quiet, Lena.”

“No. You only have one brother and he’s actually a pretty decent guy,” I said, the words tumbling out of me in a rush. “He messed up saying what he did and siding with your mom in Idaho, and I know it hurt you. But, Jimmy, he knows it too and he regrets it. It’s eating him up, you can see it in his eyes.”

“We’re not talking about this.”

“I have one sibling and we hate each other’s guts. It’s basically split my family in two. Trust me, you do not want this situation escalating into that.” I grabbed hold of his arm. “Jimmy?”

He shook me off. “Can we not do this?”

“Everyone screws up sometime. You of all people know that. But he’s your brother and he loves you. Give him a chance to apologize.”

“What, so you’re on his side now, are you?” He glared down at me. “Davie always was the pretty boy with the soft heart. Girls love him. But you gotta know he’s taken, Lena. He’s not going to give you what you need.”

“Oh, please.” I shoved him hard in the chest with the coat, actually sending him rocking back a step. So damn frustrated I could have kicked him. “Are you for real? I am not interested in your brother. And I am on your side. Always.”

The man did not look convinced.

“I am only worried about you and how wound up you’ve been the last week, worrying over this and missing him. David was wrong, but he knows it. I promise you.”

For a moment he stared at me.

“Please, Jimmy.”

He looked away, Adams apple bobbing. Then, with a snarl, he twisted the door handle, dashing straight out into the pouring rain. The cold wind whipped up my hair and stung my face. I wrapped myself up in his forgotten jacket, hiding behind the partially open door. Jimmy ran across the front lawn and out to the black 4x4, sitting at the curb. The car door opened and David stepped out. At first they kept a good body length between them, David’s arms crossed and Jimmy’s on his hips. Then David reached out, clasping his brother’s shoulder and giving it a shake as if imploring him. Jimmy seemed to loosen up after that, they moved closer. Soon enough their heads were together, obviously having some sort of conversation despite standing out in a storm. Good. That was good. I think David nodded. It was hard to see.

A couple of gold and brown leaves blew past me into the house.

Jimmy turned to come back and his brother grabbed his arm, pulling him in for a brief back-thumping hug.

Yes. Thank you, baby Jesus.

Finally, Jimmy ran back to the house, soaked to the ever-loving bone.

“Careful, don’t slip with your wet feet.” I offered him his jacket but he shook his head and stripped off his shirt. Water ran off his wet hair, down his face and neck. “I’ll get a towel.”

“Don’t bother. I’m fucking freezing.” He made for the bathroom and walked straight into the shower, turning on the hot water.

“Everything’s okay with you two now?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He pushed down his sweat pants, baring his black snug-fitting boxer briefs with quite the parcel up front. Holy shit, his thighs, his washboard chest, his everything. What with all of the sudden sex fantasies filling my head, I was surprised there’s any room left in the building. My body went into shock, pulse rocketing. I could warm him. For certain, my face and other pertinent body parts felt on fire. Good god, I bet his skin tasted divine.

Jimmy raised a brow. “Lena?”

I blinked.

“What, you waiting to tell me you were right again?”

“Sure?”

“Consider it done.” Jimmy stood, hands on hips, watching me. The look in his eyes, I couldn’t decipher it. But his lips parted and it seemed he was almost on the verge of asking me something. Then changed his mind. “C’mon, what are you doing in here? Unless you’re offering to scrub my back, you need to get out.”

My eyes went wide, as wide could be. “What? Are you serious?”

Gently, he grabbed me by the upper arm and marched me out of the bathroom. “Get out, Lena.”

“I was just trying to talk to you.” I was so not trying to talk to him. But now, we very much needed to discuss his back scrubbing needs and how I, as employee of the month, could meet them.

“Talk to me later.”

“But—”

And he slammed the door in my face.

Nice.

Jerk.

Disappointment was a nasty big beast and it was sitting right on my heart. I wrapped my arms around myself, guarding against the chill. It seemed that standing in the doorway, I’d gotten a bit damp myself from the mist and the encroaching rain. Mostly, however, it was about being thrown out of heaven, a.k.a., the ground-floor bathroom. How was that for gratitude? I gave the door the finger.

“You did good,” he hollered from within.

I dropped my arm to my side. “Thanks.”

“Dave and me are all fine again.”

“Great,” I shouted back.

“Yeah, you told me so.”

I smiled. “I’m glad. Are you going to stop smoking?”

Muttered swearing. “Yeah, okay. And stop hanging around the door when I’m showering. That’s creepy.”

I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t like I could see anything through the keyhole.

Let’s pretend I didn’t try.

# # #

Two-thirty in the morning was kind of a bitch as times went. It fell into the in-between, nowhere land. Too late to get a really good night’s sleep, but much too early to start the day.

I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. It remained every bit as entertaining and enlightening as it had for the last four hours. Over on my bedside table, my water glass was empty. This made sense since my bladder felt demandingly full. All of me was awkward, uncomfortable. I bet Jimmy paid top dollar for this mattress, Kings and queens probably slept on the same. And yet, it still did me no good.

With a groan I threw back the covers and dragged my sorry ass into the bathroom. I took care of business and washed my hands. Since I was already up and grumpy, I might as well go in search of chocolate.

Don’t question the logic. It made sense to my sleep-deprived mind and that’s all that mattered.

I trudged down the stairs. A flickering light came from within the living room, shadows playing across the wall opposite. I’d abandoned Jimmy to a documentary on Phil Spector hours and hours ago. Mr. Spector might have been a musical genius but considering where he wound up, it was all a bit too macabre for my tastes. I’d bid the rock star goodnight.

Tigers were mutely roaring and roaming the golden savannah on the wide screen. Jimmy lay passed out on the couch, fast asleep. The lines of his beautiful face were no less determined and harsh in repose. Yet they seemed softer somehow without his piss and vinegar going on. His long dark lashes lay against his cheek and his lips were slightly apart. They looked so soft. A feeling, a sensation worked its way up from deep in my belly, spreading right through me until it tingled in my toes. It was all about him. It was hot and cold, forever and never all at once. It was physical, but it was also more, much more. I wanted to know him, every last little thing about him. And I wanted him to know me. I wanted to be a real part of his life, not just his employee. To be the person he confided even his darkest thoughts in, the person he trusted.

It was insane.

Ever notice how the world seems different in the wee small hours of the morning, when you’ve been awake too long? Surreal somehow and yet clearer, quieter so you can hear the whispered truth of things you couldn’t bring yourself to face in the light. My feelings for Jimmy weren’t fading. I was a fool to imagine they would, living in his house and breathing the same air as him. They weren’t leaving anytime soon.

And if they weren’t, then I had to.

I couldn’t take another broken heart. Especially not when I could see it coming a mile away as in the case of Jimmy Ferris. He needed me to be a helper and a friend, not a lovelorn little twerp making starry eyes at him. He already had those by the bucket load.

I drew a deep breath, let it go. If only it didn’t feel like I was being slowly cut open at the thought of leaving him. Overly gruesomely dramatic, but true. But it was just the like the old ripping off the Band-Aid analogy. Better a smallish pain now than heartbreak and ruin down the track.

Still, the next few weeks were going to be hard.

Afterward, once I had my replacement settled in, maybe I’d go sit on a beach somewhere and feel sorry for myself. Get out of the rain and into the sun for a while, order frothy drinks with little umbrellas and fruit in them. I could wait out my sister’s wedding and then sneak home while she was away on her honeymoon. Yes, I had a plan.

Jimmy’s feet were bundled together, arms pressed against his chest. Poor, baby. He must be cold. Not good after his time out in the rain this afternoon. I grabbed a couple of throws from the cabinet, chucked one at his feet and spread the other out wide. The fine woolen material drifted down to cover him from shoulder to toe.

“Better,” I whispered.

“Yeah,” he whispered back, opening one eye to look me over. “Cute jammies.”

“I’ll have you know that flannel teddy bear print jammies are on the cutting edge of fashion.” I sat down, slumping tiredly. “What are you doing here?”

“Fell asleep. You woke me stomping down the stairs.” He sat up in slow motion, rubbing at his head. His dark hair stuck out every which way. The television cast shadows across his face. “What time is it?”

“Just past two-thirty.”

“What are you doing up?”

I shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I just can’t get my stupid head to turn off.”

A nod and a yawn. “Pretty sure we can find something better than a nature documentary to watch.”

“You don’t have to keep me company. It’s late. Or early,” I amended. “Go on up to bed, I’ll be fine.”

He picked up the spare blanket and tossed it into my lap. “Once I’m awake I don’t tend to get back to sleep so easy.”

“Sorry I woke you. Pass me the remote?”

He chuckled darkly. “Lena, Lena. Shame on you. I’m half awake, not crazy.”

“Boys and their toys.” I wrapped the blanket around me, settling in.

He just gave me a half smile with the faintest trace of dimple. Actually, it was more of a quarter grin with a dash of the devil. But he was getting better at smiling and that’s what counted. It was going to be one of the regrets of my life that I’d never got to see the full thing. I bet it was lethal in all the ways.

We didn’t talk much. It was nice just having the company.

The last thing I remembered was being spread out on my half of the big couch, watching some cool old black-and-white movie about gangsters in the ’40s. I woke up in my own bed the next morning, carefully tucked in. So carefully, it was a struggle to get my arms out at first from beneath the blankets. Jimmy had obviously carried me up and put me to bed. When I tried to thank him, he just ignored me and changed the subject.

Same old, same old.