CHAPTER SEVEN

Thanksgiving dinner for the band happened Thanksgiving Eve. I’d given mom many excuses about why I couldn’t go home. Luckily she’d accepted them.

Everyone gathered at Mal and Anne’s new condo, opposite David and Ev’s old one. Old as in they’d lived there for six months or so. Both places were gorgeous with lots of shiny, expensive, and new, much as you’d expect. The balconies looked out over the Pearl District. Very nice.

A picture of Lori, Mal’s mom, took up prime position on the mantelpiece. Jimmy had lingered over it when we first arrived, just taking a moment. His brother had approached after a time and they’d quietly talked. I don’t think anyone’s pain over losing her was going away anytime soon.

Apparently, Ben hadn’t told a soul about my announcement to quit. I appreciated his discretion immensely. Jimmy had barely spoken since our talk yesterday. He had unfortunately hammered again on my door at dawn this morning and tossed tennis shoes at me, however. I dragged my sorry self around behind him, sweating all the way. Hard to say exactly how far we went, it all blended into pointless agony after the first few yards. Later in the day, a beautician-masseuse-type person arrived to pamper me, thus fulfilling another of the points on the list. I have to admit, those three hours of bliss paid for by Jimmy made up for a lot of jogging.

Not all of it. But a lot. It felt like a silent apology or perhaps encouragement on his part. Or maybe it was just another lure into convincing me to stay.

Now he sat opposite me, hair artfully in his face. Aesthetically, the man reigned supreme as king throughout the land. Whether I cared to pretend he was my type or not, it couldn’t be denied. He always seemed so polished, so perfect, you could almost ignore the chaos and pain living inside of him. But the things he’d said to me kept turning around and around inside my head. God, he’d screwed over his own brother. No wonder things seemed strained between them sometimes.

Around me, dinner conversation went on. None of it fascinated me half as much as Jimmy. He was such a dichotomy of good and evil, beautiful and bad.

He’d ditched his black woolen jacket at the door, rolled up the sleeves of a vaguely patterned button-down shirt. My own style was more sedate consisting of ankle boots, skinny jeans, and a long knit top. When it came to throwing an outfit together, he had me beat. He shifted, leaning an elbow on the table. Such thick wrists, I’d never noticed before but his hands must be strong. When we’d fought over the cigarette packet, though, he’d been gentle. As gentle as you could be rolling around on the floor with someone. The memory of his weight on top of me filled my mind. Thank god there’d been no more smoking. He’d given me his word and stuck to it. A mishmash of tattoos covered his right arm. There was a star, a heart, flames, and words. I’d love to get closer and study them, really take my time over them. I took a sip of water, my dry throat needing relief. Higher up, the top two buttons of his shirt lay undone and a few fine dark chest hairs peeked out.

Nice.

The jerk also wore seriously thick-soled boots. Something made apparent to me when one descended upon my innocent unsuspecting toes.

I yelped.

“Anne’s talking to you, Lena,” he said.

Shit. I’d been staring at him again. His fault. If he’d sat beside, instead of across from me, it never would have happened. I tried to kick him back but my foot swung aimlessly, coming into contact with nothing but thin air. Screw him and his long legs.

“Jimmy, did you just kick her?” asked Ev, mouth pursed.

“No,” he lied.

Ev turned curious eyes to me as if I could be expected to tell the truth.

“That would be a petty and juvenile thing for him to do. But no, I just sat up a bit too fast,” I said. “Guess I got overexcited.”

“She does that sometimes,” Jimmy confirmed. “A real excitable girl is our Lena.”

I showed him my prettiest forced smile.

Down the other end of the table, Anne’s mom, the guest of honor, frowned good and hard. Good impression gone. And everyone had been trying so hard not to swear, let alone act crazy. Well everyone apart from psycho puppy Killer who had long since been banished to his crate for some quiet time. Ben was likewise in disgrace for having stirred him up in the first place. He, however, got to stay at the table. The dog should complain about the double standard. It was in all honesty wildly unfair.

Jimmy cleared his throat, loudly, summoning all of the table’s attention. “Don’t think I told you guys. Lena’s been talking about leaving.”

Boom! I’d been ambushed.

Whats, whys, and general sounds of displeasure filled the room. Far more than I’d ever anticipated. From the other side of the table, Jimmy gave me a smirk, followed by a well-what-the-fuck-did-you-expect look. I countered it with my you-asshole-that-was-an-unnecessary-and-shitty-thing-to-do-to-me gaze. It seemed we could communicate entirely without words.

Awesome.

“No-o-o,” said Mal from the head of the table. “C’mon, Lena. Why would you quit? You’re the only one that fit in with us and didn’t annoy the living shit out of Jim. You have no idea how rare a species that makes you.”

A sea of sad faces surrounded me. Well, apart from Anne’s mom, she just played with her food. Even Anne’s sister Lizzy seemed down at the news and we’d met twice, maybe? This level of attachment was as surprising as it was heartwarming.

Tears stung my eyes as loneliness sucker punched me. I hadn’t even realized I’d been lonely but the way these people cared caught me by surprise. They actually wanted me around.

“What the fuck did you do?” David bitched at his brother.

The smirk fell from Jimmy’s face.

“Nothing,” I said, my defensive mode instantly fully engaged on his behalf. “Jimmy didn’t do anything. I just thought it might be time to move on. I haven’t fully decided yet.”

Cue the intense staring competition between the brothers. Apparently, Jimmy won because David turned away first, brow heavily furrowed. Emotive brows obviously run in the Ferris family.

“What is it you do, Lena?” asked Anne’s mom. Jan, that was her name. She looked to be about fifty with faded strawberry blond hair.

“She’s my sobriety companion and assistant,” Jim said without hesitation. “She stops me drinking. Keeps me clean.”

People quieted, looked elsewhere. Jan’s mouth gaped like a goldfish but nothing was said. Given the few things I’d heard from Anne about her mom, Jan should be the last person judging anyone. She hadn’t exactly won parent of the year anytime in the last twenty.

Normally, we didn’t discuss Jimmy’s problems in mixed company, or much at all for that matter. The whole world knew every sordid detail so there was no real need. When he’d gone into rehab, news of his downfall had been everywhere, but apparently somehow Jan had missed it.

The silence stretched out and opposite me Jimmy tensed seeming to distance himself. Arctic eyes stared off into nothing. Perhaps people were embarrassed by his history, as if everyone else was flawless. He’d fallen further than most, true, but he’d crawled his way back up again, too. Strength came in many forms. I’d always assumed the subject of his addictions lay dormant due to his need for privacy. This silence, however, felt wrong, it rankled me.

Why the hell didn’t someone say something? Someone like me perhaps.

“I’ve enjoyed working for Jimmy.” I folded up my napkin, placed it on the table. “I still do. The issue is mine, not his.”

His gaze warmed slightly, his still face returning to life.

“What is the issue?” asked David.

“It’s personal. I’d rather not discuss it.”

“She needs to get a life is the problem.” Jimmy said, pushing back from the table, giving himself some space. “She needs to mix things up a bit. Being with me all the time isn’t necessarily the party you’d imagine.”

David half smiled.

“She’s bored?” Anne studied me from three seats down. “We can fix bored.”

And all of this gave me a very bad feeling. “Guys, this is a personal decision, not a group project. Thank you for caring, but—”

“No, pumpkin.” Mal studied me over the top of his glass of red wine. “I don’t think she’s bored so much as she needs a friend. A special friend, if you know what I mean.”

“I swear, that’s you guys’ answer to everything.” Ev laughed.

“Hey, now. Everyone needs someone special to fuck and cuddle. There is no shame in that,” said Mal, ignoring the startled little gasp from Anne’s mom. Anne didn’t seem concerned either, interestingly enough. “And Lena needs someone who isn’t Jimmy for obvious reasons.”

Down the table, David sat up in his seat. “Why not Jim?”

“Because she works for me?” Interjected my boss, tugging at the collar of his shirt. Seemed he didn’t like being the topic of conversation as much as he enjoyed throwing me to the wolves. Too bad, buddy.

“Davie, please.” Mal continued on as if Jimmy hadn’t spoken. “Stop and think about this. Everyone he sleeps with ends up hating him.”

“That’s not true,” said Jimmy.

“No? Name one woman you’ve banged that still talks to you.”

Time crept on, but Jimmy did not respond, and no one else came to his rescue either.

“My point exactly. You do no aftercare and it shows.” Mal turned back to David. “He doesn’t even have the common courtesy to pretend to be interested in hooking up again. Doesn’t take the phone number or anything. It’s just plain rude.”

“That’s appalling,” I said, enjoying myself immensely. It was only by the grace of god that I managed to avoid having Jimmy’s boot connect with my toes a second time. He missed, hitting one of the legs of my chair instead. I mocked him greatly with my eyes.

“And you!” Mal pointed his finger at me. “You’re always giving him shit. You can’t help yourself. You two have your little tiffs now and it’s all cute and funny and we can all laugh at you behind your backs about it. But, Davie, man. Imagine if they were actually playing hide the sausage. We’d be spending every holiday listening to them bicker and carry on at the table, making a scene. It’s just not on.”

My mouth hung open.

“Whatever happens, you two must not bump uglies. I want your word on this.” Cue more finger pointing from Mal, this time with the added benefit of waggling. “It would make life impossible for us all.”

Anne’s mom fled the table.

“When did I ever say Lena and me were getting together?” With a long groan, Jimmy looked to the heavens for help. “Someone shut him up. Shoot him or something, anything.”

Ben scratched at his head. “Lena and Jim do fight a lot.”

David and Ev just looked mildly perplexed.

“So, hang on, should I be going or staying,” I asked. “I can’t keep up.”

“Oh you can’t go,” continued Mal. “Anybody, when was the last time Jim even had a friend, outside of us, who wasn’t either using with him or supplying him, hmm?”

After a moment, David shook his head. “Honestly can’t remember.”

“Back in school, maybe,” said Ben. “That kid who played roadie for us senior year?”

“God, you’re right,” said Ev, eyes bright with some emotion. “Lena’s his only friend. We can’t let her leave.”

“She’s not my only friend.” Color rose in Jimmy’s cheeks.

“Quiet, Jimmy,” ordered Mal. “The adults are talking.”

“But I don’t know if them getting together’s a good idea either,” said Ben.

“Or maybe you and Mal should mind your own business.” David slipped an arm around Ev’s shoulders.

“What couple doesn’t fight?” asked Anne.

“But she baits him, pumpkin,” said Mal. “I’ve seen her. She thinks it’s funny to stir him up. Wonder what that says about her.” His eyes glittered with curiosity.

I sat bolt upright in my chair. “Okay. I think this conversation has gone far enough.”

“You know, there used to be this girl in second grade who would always pick on me. But every time we played catch and kiss she’d come after me with everything she had.” He turned to Anne. “It’s alright, pumpkin. I was fast, she never caught me.”

“That’s a relief.” Anne smiled.

“I might have been a bit afraid of girl germs back then. But she reminds me of Lena with Jimmy. Did I tell you how Davie found them rolling around on the floor one day?”

“That was a professional intervention,” I said.

“Jim, just out of curiosity, how many of Lena’s interventions wind up getting physical? Do you find she often comes up with excuses to handle you, so to speak?”

“I do not,” I said, voice climbing in volume.

“Look how riled up she got when I tried to find out more about her,” said Mal. “That’s why you’re thinking about quitting, isn’t it? Afraid you’re getting too attached, maybe?”

“Mal, that’s enough,” said Anne. “Leave the poor girl alone.”

Anger surged, running hot through me. One of my buttons had most definitely been pushed. I jumped to my feet, sending my chair sliding back. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Fuck’s sake.” Jimmy’s stood and reached across the table, his hand snagging my wrist. “Calm down, Lena.”

“But—”

“Calm down,” Jimmy repeated. “He’s being an idiot.”

I huffed.

“Yeah,” said Mal. “Keep your lady friend under control, Jimmy.”

“Mal.” Jimmy gave our host flinty eyes of great unhappiness. His thumb stroked soothingly against the inside of my wrist, back and forth, back and forth. I doubt he even realized he was doing it. “I’m serious. This is Thanksgiving, enough of this bullshit.” He turned back to me. “Okay?”

The fight bled right out of me. Sad to say, it only annoyed me slightly that his petting worked. “Yes.”

Mal said no more. But he did give Jimmy’s grip on me a smug sort of smile. Damn, the drummer had been playing us.

Unfortunately, the attention made Jimmy also look down at his hand. The frown on his face when he found his fingers still wrapped around my wrist was almighty. Like the digits belonged to someone else. I tore myself out of his hold, beating him to the chase, and sat back down.

So many interesting things to look at in the room. The man across from me and whatever expression he might have on his perfect face didn’t even matter. For example, Anne was busy rubbing at her temples. If my boyfriend was that insane, I would probably rub at my temples too. Meanwhile, Lizzy was busy checking her phone while their mother Jan had yet to return to the table. Ev, David, and Ben were still discussing the likelihood of Jimmy and I being a couple. Wonderful, this dinner was officially hell. No amount of pumpkin pie could compensate and it was all Jimmy’s fault for raising the topic in the first damn place.

“Right. Shut up, all of you.” Jimmy banged his fist on the table, interrupting the conversation and making the plates and cutlery rattle. “Lena is not leaving and we are not fucking or whatever so all of you just … stop.”

No one spoke for about a moment.

Mal relaxed back in his chair, face unperturbed. “Then what’s all the drama for, man?”

“Christ.” Jimmy scrubbed at his face with his hands. “Look, Lena is thinking of leaving. But I’ve got an idea for how to get her to stay. Could use your guys help with it, actually. If we could all just act sane for one fucking minute of the day.”

So much dread, I could have choked on it. “Jimmy.”

“She does need to get out more. Meet some people,” he said. “So … Benny, you’ll take Lena out, won’t you?”

“What?” I flat-lined.

“That’s a great idea,” cried Ev, while David nodded in approval.

Ben gave me a big affable smile. “Sure, Jim. Love to.”

“Good,” said Jimmy, steadfastly refusing my attempts to get his attention. “Not tomorrow night, got plans for then. The night after.”

“Works for me,” said Ben.

“Cool. Where you thinking?”

“Hey.” I snapped my fingers in Jimmy’s direction. Rude but highly effective. “Stop it. I do not need you fixing me up with people.”

“It’s my pleasure, don’t worry about it.” He turned back to Ben.

“Jimmy,” I growled, warningly.

People looked back and forth between us, faces rapt. So much for a nice Thanksgiving, this was fast degenerating into a war.

“We doing this or not, Lena? You said you’d try. You going back on that now?”

Oh, the guilt. He was such a manipulative piece of shit.

“You’re embarrassing me,” I said quietly.

He leaned in and lowered his voice. “No, look again. These people are your friends. No one’s judging you or thinking badly of you.”

“I’m judging her,” called out Mal. “Ouch, don’t hit me, pumpkin. I’m just being honest. She shouldn’t want to leave us—we’re the best.”

“Lena,” said Ben, his dark eyes warm. “It’s okay, really. I would love to take you out. What do you say?”

Jimmy watched me patiently (along with everyone else). There didn’t seem to be any malice in him, just the usual will to get his way. I had agreed to this four-step plan, it was true. But as far as I could recall, being turned into the night’s entertainment hadn’t even once been mentioned. If I had to date, though, Ben Nicholson was a damn fine choice. Attractive, could carry a conversation, rich as the Queen of England. The man ticked a lot of boxes and apparently, he did want to go out with me.

Always a plus.

At worst, it would be a pleasant night out with a friend. At best, my feelings would somehow magically detach themselves from Jimmy and turn to someone who (shock horror) just might actually want them. A win all around.

“Maybe it is time I started dating again,” I said, shoulders back and boobs out. No point in being half-hearted about it. Go big or go home and all that. “But I can organize this myself.” I turned to the bass player. “Ben, how would you feel about going to dinner with me sometime?”

“Love to,” he said with a grin.

“Great. Okay, then.” That wasn’t so hard.

“Right.” Jimmy continued, his arrogant air dimmed somewhat. He scrunched up his napkin and threw it onto the table. “Where you taking her, Ben?”

Mouth open, the bass player gave it some thought. “Ah, how about the sport’s bar? Allen’s?”

“She doesn’t like sports and don’t be cheap. This is Lena, you gotta take her somewhere good. Relaxed, but good. Mood’s important.”

Sweet baby Jesus. I sank lower in my seat. “Thank you for your concern, Jimmy. But Ben and I can discuss this later. In private.”

“It’s all right. Let me think.” Ben scratched at his short beard. “How about the Japanese place we go to sometimes?”

“No,” said Jimmy. “Not quite right.”

“Well, where would you suggest?” asked Ben, amusement lighting his eyes.

“Why don’t I book you a table at a place I know downtown?”

“Done,” said Ben. “Thanks, Jim. Lena, I’m looking forward to our date on Saturday. Pick you up at eight.”

“Right.” My smile wouldn’t quite stick.

Lizzy likewise gave me a strained look. I knew the feeling. Turkey and cranberry sauce currently sat like lead in my belly.

“You’re looking forward to it, too. Aren’t you, Lena?” Jimmy’s smile seemed to waver slightly. Though it could have been my imagination.

My own felt oddly like it’d been pasted on. “Yeah. Absolutely.”

* * *

“Catch.”

A desert spoon was tossed into into my lap. “Will you stop throwing things at me? It’s bad enough you feel the need to start the day that way.”

Thanksgiving itself had been quiet, just the two of us hanging out around the house. I’d phoned mom and dad in the morning and had a nice long chat with them. Then Jimmy and I had gone to an AA meeting. Or rather Jimmy had. I’d sat outside in the hallway, sipping a hot cup of coffee. He’d come out calm and in an okay mood, always a good thing.

“You’re a heavy sleeper. Got to wake you up somehow,” said Jimmy. “You did a little better with the jogging this morning, by the way.”

“Thank you,” I grumbled, somewhat mollified. Praise from him didn’t happen often. Though he’d said I was pretty the other day so perhaps it was on the rise.

“Yeah, you only hyperventilated twice. It’s an improvement.”

Or not. “Great. I appreciate the feedback.”

“Move over, you’re hogging the couch.” He threw himself onto the sofa, crowding me. A bucket of ice cream and another spoon were in his hands.

“What are we doing?”

“Think of it as more aversion therapy. Here.” He handed over the goodies. Half-baked chocolate chip cookie dough in French vanilla ice cream. Oh, hell yes. My mouth started watering.

“Yum. I don’t see me loathing you anytime soon if you keep giving me ice cream.”

He flicked on the TV. Birds flew over water and arty shots of sunlight and a long winding river appeared on screen. It was as familiar as it was unexpected.

“We’re watching The Notebook?” I asked around a mouthful of heaven. “Really?”

“Talking about my flaws the other morning didn’t go so well. Figured we’d try again.” He settled back in the seat. “Article said you should spend time with your girls, watch sappy movies and eat ice cream, bitch about me, and shit. But I know my flaws better than anyone anyway. So, here we are.”

He paused. “Would you rather I got some of the girls over to hang with you?”

“No, this is fine.” I swallowed down some more dairy-and-dough heaven. Truth was, we’d been hanging out in front of the TV of a nighttime for a while now. It was comfortable. Plus, it seemed a bit disingenuous and or pathetic to suddenly start accepting Ev’s offer of a night out now Jimmy had announced my lack of a life to all and sundry. “You said you didn’t play an instrument but I thought I heard a guitar earlier.”

”Said I didn’t play as well as the others. Not that I don’t play.”

“Do you write songs?” I asked.

“For the band? No. Davie does all the lyrics.”

“For you?”

“Yes, Lena.” His laughter was brittle. He tapped my spoon out of the way and dug in again. “I write myself love songs saying how hot I am. I’m that much of a narcissist.”

I cocked my head, studying him. Well, I never. “It upset you. My saying that.”

He scoffed. “I could give a fuck.”

For a long moment, he stared at the TV and I stared at him. Things got to Jimmy, of course they did. I just didn’t think my opinion of him was one of those things. It took a while for my mind to absorb the fact that he actually cared about something I’d said. There was intellectually knowing he had more emotions than a brick and then there was seeing them up close and personal. Until Lori’s funeral, it simply didn’t happen. Jimmy had been like Superman, bullets bounced off him so mere emotions never stood a chance. But these days …

I needed to be more careful. He wasn’t as tough as he seemed.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

He gave me a weird look. “About what?”

“Saying you’re a narcissist.”

“I repeat, I could give a fuck,” he ever-so-clearly enunciated the words. “Straight out told you I was vain, didn’t I?”

Right, he had no deeper emotions, my mistake. The man was so repressed he made my teeth ache. Though when you thought about it, it made definite sense. Not only had his mother done a job on him, but he’d been hiding his drinking and drug taking since the age of fourteen or fifteen. A secretive reclusive nature must stem naturally from that sort of situation. I didn’t need to look up stuff on Google to figure that one out.

“I looked up what narcissist means,” he said, nearly reading my mind. “And I don’t think I’m in any danger of spending days mooning over myself in the mirror. I think you seeing nothing but flaws every time you look in one is more of an issue. Maybe me being a bit conceited isn’t such a bad thing.”

“I don’t see anything but flaws.”

“But you’re not happy. That makes no sense to me.”

I frowned.

The movie went on. Nothing was said.

I passed him the tub of ice cream before I ate the entire damn thing. “Though I’m not convinced you are a narcissist after all. I think I was way off about that.”

He gave me a questioning look.

“I thought about what you said, about how your looks are like a tool to you. And I think your appearance is just an area of your life where you’re used to exercising extreme control.”

The man just shook his head. “Lena, no more pop psychology, okay? It’s for your own good.”

He might have a point there. It wasn’t my strong suit. “All right then, let’s change subjects. Tell me about the songs you write.”

“Didn’t say I wrote any.”

“You didn’t say you didn’t, either.”

“I’m just the singer, Lena. That’s all.”

“You play guitar. I heard you downstairs earlier.”

“Christ, you’re annoying.” He dug around, excavating another chunk of chocolate chip goodness. “I’ve been teaching myself how to play, all right? No more. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Does David know?”

“No.” His eyes flashed. “And you’re not telling him either.”

“You have my word.”

My immediate agreement seemed to soothe him. He pressed back into the couch, exhaled hard. A muscle in his jaw moved repeatedly like he was grinding his teeth. “We’re supposed to be bitching about me or something.”

I groaned. “Can’t we just hang out instead? All of this constant jogging and deprogramming is tiring. You’re not half as interesting to talk about as you think you are.”

He gave me one of his not-quite-a-smile smiles. “Works for me.”

I grabbed the ice cream back from him. So sue me. It was good.

“Do we really have to watch this?” His nose wrinkled with apparent disdain. It was cute.

“It was your bright idea.” I smiled. “What other movies did you get?”

“Titanic, Thelma and Louise, and Silver Linings Playbook.”

“Interesting mix. Put Thelma and Louise on, I think you’ll like it better. It’s got a happy, uplifting ending.”

“Done.” He fussed with the remote and Brad Pitt’s sexy voice came on the giant screen. Such a great film. But Brad Pitt really was a superb specimen of manhood.

“Can you put it back to the beginning please, King of the Remote? This is about halfway through.”

He did so.

“Blondes have more fun, everyone knows that,” I said. “You ever thought of bleaching your hair?”

He gave me a snotty look.

“Maybe I should go blonde instead,” I said.

“No, don’t,” he said shortly, face creased with concern. “I mean, you’re fine as you are. I’ve been telling you that for days.” He stole back the tub and hoed in. “You don’t listen.”

Huh.

“I guess I thought you were just being kind.” Melted ice cream dripped off my spoon, onto my jeans. I scraped it up with a finger, licking it clean. This was why I couldn’t have nice things.

I looked up to find Jimmy staring at my mouth. His own lips were slightly parted, his eyes hazy. I froze.

No way.

He wasn’t having those sort of thoughts about me. Impossible, and yet the evidence in front of me told a distinctly different tale. A knot twisted and tightened deep in my belly, a thrilling sort of rush pouring through my veins. Just that easily, he’d flicked the switch, turning me on. I don’t think he even realized what he was doing.

“Jimmy?”

His gaze jumped from my mouth to my eyes and the frown descended. “I’m not kind. And I don’t say stuff I don’t mean. Stop fishing for compliments if you’re not going to believe them. It’s a waste of my time.”

A curiously snappy response, even for him.

“Thank you,” I said. “That’s really very sweet of you … in a strange way.”

He watched the movie, giving me no response whatsoever.

“You know, if I do end up leaving,” I said. “We can still hang out sometimes, do stuff together. I wouldn’t just disappear on you.”

He threw his spoon onto the coffee table where it landed with a violent clank.

“Jimmy?” I’d meant the words as a comfort. Clearly, they hadn’t been received that way.

“To answer your question, I’ve been on the cover of probably hundreds of magazines. I don’t know. Got a stack of platinum records and a current net worth of about sixty-two million,” he said, voice flat and unfriendly. “Messed up some product endorsements and part of a tour with the drug use or it’d be more. I own this house and another in LA. That’s where I keep my collection of cars. I also got a few paintings I took a liking to.”

“Impressive. I have about four-grand in the bank in savings. My watch is a swatch. Probably not really worth anything.” I dragged the sleeve of my sweater down over the poor unimpressive thing lest it get performance anxiety. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“Because, last time I OD’ed, Dave made it clear. Get clean or I’m out. Out of the band, out of his life. He’d had enough, they all had.” He stretched out his arms along the back of the sofa, fingers kneading at the leather. It might look the pose of a man relaxed, but the reality was worlds away.

I’d gathered this from what had been said in Coeur d’Alene, but still, it was hard to hear. Those guys were his whole world, they meant everything to him. I couldn’t imagine how he must have felt. No matter what he’d done, and I know he’d done a lot, I accepted that. It didn’t change the facts. His mother had hurt him and left him, his father had failed him, his brother and best friends had threatened to throw him out of the band. And now I’d been talking about leaving. Whatever our relationship, for several months now I’d been a staple part of his life, one he apparently liked in his own way.

My wanting to leave was bound to get a reaction.

“So I got clean,” he said. “Cut ties with everyone in LA., anyone who had anything to do with before. I came up here and started over. They’ve all been real supportive, my brother, the band. And I understand why they’d be willing to turn their backs on me, I do. Can’t say I don’t get resentful now and then, but I’m the one that pushed them to it.”

“Jimmy—”

“Just listen.” His cold hard eyes never left my face. “You leave, I’m not going to fall apart and start using again. Know that. I’m not trying to blackmail you here, I’m just making something clear. The guys probably were right last night about you being my only friend apart from them. We don’t always get along, but still, you feel like a friend.”

Both of his hands moved from bullying the back of the couch to holding back his hair. He gave the dark strands a sharp tug. “You’re a friend I just happen to pay to hang around, which is incredibly fucking pathetic and messed up, but there you have it.”

“I can still be your friend. I would like to still be your friend.”

Another sharp tug. “It won’t be the same.”

My mouth opened but I didn’t know what to say. He was right, it wouldn’t be the same. No more seeing him and talking to him every day, hanging out with him nearly every night. This part of my life, the time spent with him, would become a memory. The sadness inside me felt huge, overwhelming. I couldn’t possibly contain it. Much more of this and I’d explode, decorating his pristine minimalist living room in messy emotional Lena.

Man, he’d be pissed.

My stupid tongue lay still for the longest time. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Did I ask for your opinion?” he snapped. “No.”

“Hey,” I growled warningly. “Watch it.”

He turned his face away, his jaw shifting restlessly.

Stuff happened on screen, none of it mattered.

“Lena, the point I’m trying to make is, the list is important. And it won’t work if you’re not committed to making it work. So don’t talk to me about us still being friends if you go, okay? Just … commit.”

I took a deep breath, studying his fierce features. Everything in life was so damn complicated, so confusing when it came to the heart. I don’t know when that happened exactly, probably sometime during the early teenage years when boys overtook my interest in ponies and glitter.

Resented the hell out of it some days.

“Fine, I’m committed,” I said, the only answer I could give.

“Fine.” He relaxed back, crossing his arms over his chest, satisfied apparently. But I already knew, the list wasn’t working.