CHAPTER ELEVEN

We were halfway around the block the next morning when Jimmy pulled to a halt, his breath coming in harsh pants. No, all right, that was me. Jimmy wasn’t even breathing heavy despite jogging having split me inside somehow. It couldn’t be healthy. Though I’d made it further before falling apart then yesterday. Progress was a slow, gradual, agonizing thing.

“You got in late last night.” He bent at the waist, stretching.

“Yeah, we went dancing.” No wonder my calves were being so unforgiving this morning.

Jimmy made some noise. I don’t know what it meant.

When I’d called mid-date to check in on him, he’d said something about messing around with a guitar. The conversation had been curt. Basically he’d reported that he was fine, told me to get back to my date, and then hung up on me. A normal sort of phone conversation where he was concerned.

He straightened. “Thought about what you said, about me dating.”

I tried to keep my surprise off my face. “And?”

Apparently the trees down the street were riveting because his gaze stayed glued to them. “Called an old friend. She, ah … she got sober recently too, went through rehab. We talked for a while. She’s thinking of coming up from LA so we can catch up.”

“Jimmy that’s great.” I tried to smile. Honest to goodness, I gave it my all, but my face felt stiff, wrong.

Catch up could mean so many things. To my twisted mind, catching up rock-star style had everything to do with copulation and nothing to do with cake and coffee with friends. This was, after all, Jimmy Ferris we were talking about. His abstinence had always surprised me. He was such a big moody animal prowling about the house, snapping and snarling. All too easily, my mind provided lurid images of him sinking his teeth into someone, tongue licking, nails scratching. Oh, god, now I was panting for an entirely different reason. My filthy mind was out of control.

He’d said he only touched when he fucked. I bet this old friend of his would have finger marks all over her inside of a day, lucky girl. And to think it had been my bright-ass idea.

God, I hated me.

“Great,” I said, trying to conjure up mental images of Dean. So cute and sweet and stuff, so much more within my reach. He didn’t have heartbreak written all over him the way Jimmy did. There was no need for a warning sign on his handsome forehead.

“Yeah.” At long last he looked my way and I hid my misery as best I could. “Listen, Lena. I am sorry I was an asshole when you bought it up, guess you caught me off guard.”

“You’re apologizing to me?”

He did the chin jerk thing.

“Wow.”

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” he muttered.

“No. No, okay. Can you just say it one more time for me?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. Don’t do it again or I’ll kick your ass into next week.”

“You’re about half my size.”

“Ah, but I’m highly motivated and own a fine selection of pointy-toed boots. Consider yourself warned.”

“Right,” he said, voice somewhere between wary and amused. Little did he know exactly how serious I was. Some of those boots could do real damage on the feet of a woman with a grudge.

Then he stepped closer, inspecting the general area of my mouth.

“What?” I asked, half tempted to cover my face with my hand.

“You’ve got a bit of beard rash.”

“Oh.” I scrubbed at my lips, not that it would do anything apart from making it worse. Guilty feelings slunk around inside me for some reason, like kissing on the first date was a crime. It had all happened so fast. Dean stepped into me and his lips were on mine and I let him. That was the truth of it, all feelings for Jimmy aside, I’d let Dean kiss me. He didn’t make it to second base.

“How was it?” he asked, still standing much closer than necessary, still staring at my lips. Fear of the foreign look in his eyes held me immobile. Exactly what he was asking after, I didn’t want to know. And if I didn’t ask, I could pretend he meant the food last night or something equally harmless like the weather.

“It was … nice,” I said.

“Nice,” he said, voice low and mesmerizing. “You liked it.”

I shrugged, committing in any other way felt dangerous somehow.

“How far did you let him go?” His gaze roamed over my neck, my chest, and everywhere he looked I lit up, sweaty, disheveled, and smelly as I was. When he looked at me that way, it didn’t matter. It took all of my restraint not to cross my arms over my chest. I could only hope my sweatshirt was thick and baggy enough to hide any evidence of arousal. My nipples’ ongoing infatuation with the man was a terrible misguided thing.

“W-what?” I asked.

“Under your clothes or over?”

“I’m not telling you that.”

“I’m thinking over,” he mused. “You don’t strike me as the type to give it away too soon.”

I pushed back my shoulders, stood straight. “You’re right, Jimmy, I’m a pure shining virgin. My ability to keep my knees locked tight is an inspiration to all. Now can we please stop talking about this?”

“You’re uncomfortable?”

“Oh, like that’s not your goal here.”

The corner of his mouth twitched. “What can I say? You interest me, not many do.”

“That’s great and I feel all warm and tingly about it. But I’m still not telling you what goes on between me and another man.” I got my legs moving again, the stumbling gait of what passed for me jogging. Such style. Such grace.

A moment later, he fell into step beside me. As always, his long legs and fitness levels made a mockery of my huffing and puffing.

“C’mon, Lena. You can’t let me live a little vicariously through you?”

“Nope.”

“Aren’t you impressed I even know the word, a high school dropout like me?” He chuckled, but he didn’t sound exactly happy about it.

“No.”

He gave me a cynical smile. “Right.”

“With everything you’ve accomplished in your life, you think I’d doubt your drive or intelligence?”

“All the drugs and shit you mean? Yeah, I accomplished a fuck load of that.”

“You’re a successful businessman and a seasoned, multi-award-winning, critically acclaimed musician,” I countered. “Shock horror, you made some mistakes. Who the hell hasn’t? You paid for them and moved on.”

His eyes narrowed. “That what you really think of me?”

“Yes. You also have a sad tendency to be an occasional jerk but we’re working on that. I have great hopes for your complete recovery.”

The rigid set of his jaw let me know he wasn’t convinced. Insecurity over his education obviously ran deep.

“It’s not like I went to college,” I said. “I didn’t do well enough to get a scholarship. A friend’s dad owned a business and he gave me a chance to try out as the receptionist, lucky for me. Otherwise, I’d probably be flipping burgers for the next fifty years.”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

We ran for a while in silence. But of course, he couldn’t leave it alone, could he?

“So, tell me what constitutes a good first date, Lena? You know about this sort of shit. Teach me, how do you woo a girl, hmm?”

“Can’t talk. Jogging.”

He snorted.

Neither of us spoke for half a block and just as well. Conversation with Jimmy was hazardous to my health. The man really did need to come with a big red warning sticker on his forehead. Actually, the sticker should cover all of his face. If you only had to deal with his hot body you might stand a chance resisting. Oh, and his voice—good god, his voice—it was created to make a girl’s sex parts sing. Not that I wanted to think about sex or singing or Jimmy, nor any lustful and passionate variation of all three combined.

My mind, however, was clearly against me.

“You know, I think I’m improving,” I said eventually. My need to fill silences was a definite weakness. “I’m not getting winded so easily.”

“Good. So you’re going out with him again?”

“Are we still talking about this?”

“Yes. Why’re you giving him a second date?”

I groaned. “Because he was nice.”

“You’re sure using that word a lot. Nice. He’s nice. You had a nice time. I don’t think any woman’s ever used that word when it comes to me.”

I peeled wet strands of hair from my cheek. “You can be nice when it suits you.”

“I don’t want to be nice, Lena.” He chuckled. “But you using it to describe Dean makes me think that dating him is about as interesting as sitting through a business meeting with Adrian. Maybe you should date someone else.”

“Hey, Dean was a lot of fun to be with. For one, he doesn’t pester me with inappropriate personal questions like you do.”

“You going to fuck him?”

“Jimmy!”

“What?” He barely hid back a smirk. “What’s the problem?”

“I am certain there was something in the employment contract about never raising the subject of sex. Also, you’re being rude.”

“The employment contract?” A dimple flashed. “I think we’re a bit beyond that, don’t you?”

He had a point. “Probably, yes.”

“If I cared about the employment contract I could have fired you day two.”

“You could not have.”

He gave me an amused glance.

“Well, maybe a little. But your life would have been the poorer for it.”

“Right,” he deadpanned. “What if he’d taken you to an expensive restaurant? Would you have let him feel you up then?”

“Are you suggesting I prostitute myself for a linen table cloth and a three-course meal?”

“Just wondering. You wouldn’t be the first.”

“Holy shit, you’re serious.” The man made my head spin in all the ways. We really did come from different worlds. “That’s so … incredibly …”

“What?”

“Sad. Just sad. Jimmy, you need to aim a little higher. Try dating people that aren’t going to fall onto their backs with their legs spread based on proof of your bank balance alone.”

“It keeps life simple, easy.”

“Ea-sy. Huh. You know, easy doesn’t seem to have done you much good. In fact, easy made a mess of things for you from what I can see.”

More eye rolling. If he kept that up he might just do himself damage.

“The right sort of complication might be just what you need, Jimmy.”

“Waste of time.” His voice was absolute. “If it isn’t happening on the first date, why go back for more?”

“Hmm, I think you need to figure that one out for yourself.” The world blurred for a moment and I blinked the sting of sweat out of my eyes. “Do you only hang out with a woman if you want to have sex with her?”

“Pretty much … apart from you.” He pushed back his hair. Only just did I manage to keep my lusty sigh to myself. It was really quite sad how much I enjoyed such a simple thing.

“What about this girl who’s coming to visit you?”

“What about her?”

“Well, is she just for sex or are you actually going to attempt to have some sort of relationship with her?”

“I dunno,” he said. “Haven’t given it any thought.”

So many things I could say. None of them seemed quite right or unbiased, however.

“So what if it’s just sex?” he said.

“Don’t you want more?”

“Got everything I need. You said I should try going out more. That’s what I’m doing. If I happen to be doing that with a girl I like to fuck, what’s the big deal? I got you to talk to, I don’t need a relationship, whatever you’re thinking that is.”

I rubbed at my eyes with the heels of my hands. Stupid sweat, so messy and inconvenient. Of all the human secretions to experience around him, he had to inflict this one upon me.

He just shook his head at my apparent foolishness. “So, what, you put out date three or four? There about?”

I stopped, staring at him with absolute wonder. “Do I ask you how often you jerk off, Jimmy?”

“Least once a day, lately.” He threw the information out there like it didn’t even matter. “My libido kind of disappeared there for a while but it’s back with a vengeance now. You’re probably right on with the dating idea because if I don’t get something soon I’m gonna break my fucking wrist.”

“Stop it!” I covered my ears, taking deep, even breaths. That was the key. Any lurid pictures of Jimmy fisting himself just could stay the hell right out of my mind, my dirty, smutty, way overly descriptive mind. “We’re not the kind of friends that talk about this stuff.”

“You take sex too seriously.”

I stopped trying to block him out given I couldn’t if I tired. “I do, huh?”

“Yes.” And his smile, oh god his smile, I wanted to wipe it off his face with a pickaxe. I’d be gentle, you could trust me.

“While you don’t take feelings seriously at all,” I said. “They’re a joke to you.”

“They’re not a joke to me. But the two don’t have to go together. That’s the mistake you make.”

“Oh, god, Jimmy, this is so clichéd. You’re the man whore and I’m the sensitive chick. And I’m not even particularly sensitive, for heaven’s sake, it’s just that compared to you …”

“Compared to me, what?”

“Well, you’re so repressed. You don’t let yourself feel anything until you’re boiling over and out of control.”

He shook his head, letting out a harsh breath. “Explain to me how the fuck me saying sex and emotions don’t have to go together lead to this point. Because you’re losing me.”

“Look, what you said is true enough,” I said. “Sex can be just a physical activity to make you feel good. I have no problem with that.”

He scoffed. “You just condemned me for that.”

“No. I just condemned you for insisting it could be nothing more than that. I just think you should have sex with people you actually like for a change. It might be refreshing for you.”

One thick shoulder twitched, I guess it was a shrug.

“You think I should have just slept with Dean last night then—on the first date?”

“Not saying that.” One of his tennis shoes pawed at the ground, big feral beast that he was. “I just think, talking about fucking or actually fucking shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s human nature, everyone does it.”

“Except for us.”

“Yeah, except for us. I had to clean the slate you know? Just strip everything back and start from scratch, get myself right,” he said with a sigh. “Though giving up sex was nothing in comparison to cocaine. I felt like a god on that stuff, nothing could touch me. Stopping wasn’t easy.”

“No, I bet it wasn’t.”

He smiled at me, he actually double dimple smiled at me. Crap. Not only did my knees weaken but my toes curled it was so stunning, star shine and moonbeams couldn’t compare. Unicorns could take a flying fuck.

“So, Lena, darling, tell me, for curiosity’s sake. When do you put out?”

I stepped closer, going toe to toe with him. He got worried then, the dimples disappearing and his forehead creasing. So he fucking should.

“Jimmy, my love,” I said, my voice soft and sweet. “I don’t fuck a guy until he has the balls to actually man up and talk to me about his feelings.”

Laughter followed me for the better part of the jog back home.

# # #

The doorbell rang out just after two in the afternoon. Downstairs, the band and crew were making sweet music following a lunch consisting of everything we’d had in the fridge. I’d already alerted our suppliers to the need for more, pronto. With the guys working here all the time, our usual order could easily be tripled and then some. Mal alone seemed to eat his weight in food at each meal. How he then managed to jump around and pound the drums, I had no idea. I’d spent the day making myself useful. When they were recording, it made sense to just pitch in and help where I could. If that meant I made coffee and fetched sodas then so be it. Dean had come into work with them today, a happy bonus.

I jogged up the stairs, every part of me jiggling. Kindly note, however, I did not lose my breath, the jogging was starting to pay off. Yay me!

Just in case there was some random paparazzi hanging around I loosened my ponytail to hide my face. The security camera screen showed one lone statuesque woman looking ten types of awkward on the other side of the door. Big black sunglasses hid her face. Hmm, interesting.

“Hello?” I stood back, opening the door just wide enough to get a good look at her. Then my whole world stopped.

Liv. Fucking. Anders.

The film star.

That’s who Jimmy’s old friend was and she had obviously wasted no time in getting to Portland to catch up. My heart gradually restarted, slow and painful was the way. Six feet worth of trim and tanned with white blonde hair looked back at me from atop her designer eyewear. I’d be the dumpy brunette in jeans and a long sleeve T-shirt then. Lovely, please just ignore my pale and pasty skin. She wore cute strappy sandals despite the cold wet weather and even her pedicure was immaculate. For the sake of my pride, couldn’t the woman at least have a chipped nail or something? Surely, it wasn’t too much to ask for.

My own fault really, I guess that’s what you got for falling for a rock ’n’ roll Adonis. His ex-girlfriends or fuck buddies or whatever Liv was, were bound to be flawless. Why, the care he took with his hair was evidence enough. As if he’d stick a body bit into anything less than the best.

“Hi,” I said, in my smallest voice.

“Lena?” With a hand she lowered her glasses. “You are Lena aren’t you? Jimmy told me about you, said you’d be here.”

I blinked.

She held out her hand. “Hi.”

My hand shook long before she started shaking it. Luckily, she seemed to write it off as my being starstruck. Let the lady think what she wanted. “Come in, please.”

“Thanks.” Her smile wavered a little at my odd behavior. Screw her, I was doing the best I could under the circumstances. Visions of Jimmy and Liv together filled my mind. Him with his dark hair and her with her sunny Californian good looks, such a dramatic contrast they’d make, the camera would just eat them up.

And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go down those stairs and see the expression on his face when he saw her. It would kill me. He smiled for me so rarely, even a flash of dimple made my day. If Liv Anders got an out-and-out grin I’d melt into a puddle of misery right there and then.

So instead, I kind of hooked my thumb in the general direction of the basement. “They’re down there. Working. They, um … yeah. You should go down.”

“All right.” Her smile turned plastic, fixed in place. Guess her acting skills weren’t so great after all. “Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll see you later.”

I had nothing.

With dainty steps, she descended. I wanted to hate her, it would have made life easier, but Liv actually seemed half decent, friendly even. If only she’d been a rampaging bitch. My intense dislike would have been so much more straightforward and reasonable.

“Hey.” Dean wandered out of the kitchen. He’d turned up that morning with Taylor and been busy in the studio all day so we’d barely gotten a hello in. “I was thinking, maybe we could do something tonight?”

“Sounds good.” I gave him the best smile I had in me. Nice, normal Dean. The sight of him failed to soothe my heart however on account of it being the most clueless organ in existence. I should demand a transplant. “I’d like that.”

“Great. Been trying to get a moment alone with you all day.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah, but it’s been busy down there.” He moved closer. “I like your hair up like that.”

“Thank you.” Gratitude leached from my pores at his kind words, it was pathetic really. His grip slipped down my arm, fingers sliding over mine until we were holding hands. My muscles unwound, relaxed. I wasn’t alone. My life wasn’t over because Liv Anders had arrived, I would go on.

This was good.

For such a small intimacy handholding packed a punch. Sex was great, but sex wasn’t everything and when it came to Dean, I just wasn’t ready yet. Hand-holding worked. And it led to more kissing, a little necking maybe, some touching, followed eventually by a bit of rubbing in the right places. The steps leading up to sex should be enjoyed at a leisurely pace, the foreplay of dating and getting to know someone could only be done once so it should be done right.

And Dean was nice.

Jimmy could think what he liked about the word. Nice was nice. It had its place in the warm and fuzzy ways of beginning to feel for someone, and I wanted to feel for Dean. Feeling for him was pleasant, painless, and plausible. Three things I’d begun to appreciate more and more. The days of me throwing my heart and soul at Jimmy Ferris’s feet were done.

A sliver of guilt existed over dating Dean when I had feelings for Jimmy. But if I didn’t want those feelings, if I was willing to work at getting past them …

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“Work junk.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. “I should head back down.”

“Me too,” he said, giving me his lopsided grin.

Which was how we wound up walking hand in hand down the steps toward the recording studio. Right when the guys and company were pouring out of the place.

Jimmy’s eyes latched onto our joined hands and his face hardened. It might have just been me, but I’m pretty sure the temperature in the room rocketed to lava levels.

“If she’s here, she’s working, Dean,” he said, his voice flat and unfriendly.

What the hell?

“Right.” Dean dropped my hand like it had been dipped in poison. “Sorry, Jim.”

“Actually I was just on my break,” I said, despite the fact I’d never actually had an official break since starting with him. He probably owed me quite a few by now.

A muscle jumped in Jimmy’s jawline. “Lena, I asked you to get the info on the interview for next week.”

“It’s waiting for you in the office.”

“I’m not in the office, Lena. I’m here.”

“So I see. Just give me a moment and I’ll fetch it for you.”

“If it’s not too much trouble.”

“Not at all, Jimmy. Anything for you.”

His jaw hardened. “And we can do without you carrying on with your boyfriend during business hours from now on,” he said.

Carrying on? For fuck’s sake. There was a lot I could say in response, but all of it came with the distinct possibility of putting Dean straight back in the firing line. “Duly noted.”

“Great.”

“Awesome.”

He just glared at me.

Therefore, I got the last word in and I won. Take that, you god damn arrogant tyrannical shithead. I didn’t know if he was jealous or what, but perhaps he’d snap and fire me this time. He certainly seemed angry enough, his eyes promising all sorts of damage. Part of me almost hoped he would, my heart hammering inside my chest. Do it, do it, do it.

“That’s enough,” he snapped.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t need to.”

True enough. We could read each other far too well at times.

Everyone had frozen sometime during our verbal combat, all the better to watch the carry-on. Even Liv the movie star seemed discomforted by the scene. Her head turned this way and that, eyes wide with obvious confusion.

Then Mal let out a loud wailing noise. “I hate it when mommy and daddy fight!”

The crazed drummer barreled up the stairs in a dramatic exit. If Dean and I hadn’t flattened ourselves against the wall we’d have been knocked over. David choked on a laugh, Ben at least had the good grace to turn his back before he cracked up, and behind them, Taylor and Pam said nothing. The movie star still had the oblivious thing going on. Then her hand crept beneath Jimmy’s arm, her fingers wrapping around his strong bicep and squeezing before her fingers dropped away.

“Jimmy?”

He sort of started, the anger dropping from his face. “Yeah, Liv. Why don’t we go out?”

I could see why the woman had made millions, her smile lit up the room. Fortunate for me and my sensibilities, Jimmy’s face remained more reserved.

“Can I have a word with you first?” I asked him. We needed to clear the air about this hand-holding business. That, and I couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving with her, of what might happen between them next. I just wasn’t ready. Another minute or two maybe and I’d be fine, if we could just fix this latest fight.

“Not now,” he said.

“But—”

“Not now.” His voice was a whip and it cut through me sure and true.

The guys amusement cut off dramatically.

“Jim,” said David, face serious.

“Stay out of it, Dave.” Jimmy held out his hand to Liv and she took it. Apparently, the matter of me had been closed.

“We’ll head off,” said Ben, giving me worried looks as he passed me on the stairs.

I smiled back determinedly. “Later, guys.”

God, did everyone know about my great unrequited love?

Or no, my boss’s sweet words had gotten them worked up. Perhaps they thought I’d burst into tears. Like hell, it would take more than harsh words from Jimmy Ferris to do that. Dean now stood apart from me, concerned for his job no doubt, which was fair enough. We’d gone on one whole date, not enough to throw your career away over. When David went past, he reached out, grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I don’t know how Jimmy reacted because I followed his brother straight up the stairs without looking back. Didn’t mean I wouldn’t make him regret the put-down later, however.

Liv said something down behind me and Jimmy answered in a suitably subdued voice. I didn’t want to know what.

I’d asked for this, told Jimmy to date, pushed him into it even. But then he’d made me date too and then torn into me for daring to hold someone’s hand. Rage boiled up inside of me, an inferno’s worth. I didn’t need to fetch shit. Jimmy was going out, he didn’t really care about the interview info. Instead of doing my duty, I power walked my fine self up to the second floor. I didn’t run, because to run would insinuate I was some sort of coward making an escape. I didn’t slam my bedroom door shut either, calmly locking it instead.

Everything was fine.

I was okay.

And Jimmy Ferris could go fuck himself.