Chapter Twenty-eight
Morgan
I don't know how long I sit on the couch crying. It could have been minutes or hours, I don't know, but eventually, I make my way back to my room and crawl into my bed. I'm still fully dressed, but I don’t care. I allow myself to unleash a big ugly cry. The kind of cry you don't want anyone else to ever see or hear. I hear my phone vibrate on the nightstand next to it but ignore it. Probably thirty minutes later I hear it again. I turn over and look at it. Hoping that it isn't Dex.
Gia: Is it ok for me to come home?
Gia: Should I stay at Ruby's?
Morgan: no.
Gia: Is Dex still there?
Morgan: no. We broke up.
Gia: What? I'm on my way home.
I put my phone back on my nightstand and roll back over to face the wall. I lie there momentarily, just staring at the wall. No tears come.
Good. I'll get over this. Before I know it, a soft knock comes from my bedroom door.
"Morgan, it's me." I hear her as she comes slowly in the room. I answer with a sniff.
She sits down on my bed but says nothing. Then I hear Ruby whisper, "I brought the Advil, water, and tissues." Then I hear said supplies being placed on the nightstand followed by Gia climbing over me to sit against the wall and Ruby taking her spot.
"Morgan, can you please tell us what happened?" Gia whispers.
"I broke up with him," I say through a croak. My voice is hoarse since this is the first time I've actually spoken in more than an hour, I think.
"Ok. But why? Is it because of the photo?" she asks in a coaxing tone.
I heave a sigh and push myself into a sitting position but keep my head against the wall before answering.
"Kind of," I reply.
Gia sighs, but it's Ruby who says, "Mo, you're going to have to give us more than that."
I close my eyes. I don't want to talk about this. They are going to think I’m crazy.
"We were moving too fast, and I just didn't like feeling left behind when he traveled. He has to do that a lot. I guess I just didn't like the way I felt when I’m not with him, and I'm not ok with that." I open my eyes, and they are both staring at me with concern etched on their faces.
"And how do you feel when you're not with him?" Gia prompts.
"I feel insecure and needy. I feel like I can't be without him and that he's going to forget about me while he is out doing his thing. I know that it’s probably idiotic, but it’s how I feel,” I say, defensively.
They both exchange a quick look then I add, “And that was his ex-girlfriend by the way. The chick kissing him in the picture."
"What? Really? Did he tell you or did you find that out on Facebook?" Ruby asks.
"He told me. And he didn't seem to think it was a big deal."
"It's kind of a big deal, though," she agrees.
I go on to tell them about the fight. At some point, I start to cry again. Ruby keeps shoving tissues in my hand. When I finish, she hands me some Advil and the glass of water, which I'm grateful for; all the crying I've done will make for a horrible headache in the morning.
"Do you think you made a mistake?" Gia asks. She was quiet through the whole recount of the breakup. Ruby asked questions and kept me on point if I stopped for too long to cry.
"Wh-What? Do I think I made a mistake? Why would you ask that Gia?" I ask her with accusation
"Calm down. I just…think that maybe you got a little trigger happy." I glare at her. "Stop giving me that look, Morgan. Hear me out. You guys just had your first fight, and you break up with him? You don't think that's a little dramatic?"
"You think I'm being dramatic?" I stammer.
"Kind of, yeah," she says with sympathy.
I process what she just said, and realize she's right. We had our first fight tonight, and I made it our last and only fight. The tears start up again as the realization overcomes me.
Gia scoots across the bed puts her arm around me and lets me cry. This, of course, causes me to cry even harder.
As this round of crying comes to an end, I peer up at Ruby. She offers a small smile and says, "You know you can apologize to him. I know you guys can work this out." At the same time, Gia gives my shoulders a squeeze as encouragement.
I shake my head. "No. We can't work it out. I might have jumped the gun on breaking up with him, but it would have happened sooner or later. I guess it's better this way. So, I didn't get any more attached to him."
Gia removes her arm and leans away from me. I steal a quick glance at Ruby, and she is gaping at me.
"Are you serious?" Gia asks stunned. "Morgan, did you really just sabotage your relationship with a great guy because you are worried if you keep getting attached to him that you will ultimately break up?"
"Yes," I squeak.
"Wow," she says with utter disbelief shaking her head.
Ruby clears her throat. "Why are you so convinced that your relationship with Dex was bound to end in heartbreak?"
"Because they always do!" I say more forcefully than expected.
"No, two have. You've only allowed yourself two relationships," Gia counters.
"Yeah, well, every guy I've ever cared about has either cheated on me or left me!" I say with my voice climbing an octave. "Ryan cheated on me. Dylan left me without even giving me a second thought and my dad…he just stopped being around. I wasn't enough for him after my mom died. See?! They all break my heart!"
I'm yelling at this point. Fresh tears are streaming down my face at the realization of what just came out of my mouth. I take a deep breath and say in a much calmer, but shaky voice, "I liked Dex too much, too fast, and that scared me. I refuse to get my heart broken again because that's what happens."
While Ruby has unshed tears in her eyes at my admission, Gia almost looks sated. Like that was what she wanted to hear.
"At least you finally admitted it." She doesn't say this in a cold, I-told-you-so tone, but instead laced with relief.
"You were never going to get anywhere in a relationship if you couldn't even admit that your dad pretty much leaving you after your mom passed away affected you as much as it did. As long as I’ve known you, you just brush it aside, like it doesn't matter that he was never around, but I know it does. And it's affected how you see yourself and how you navigate relationships."
I can only stare at her. I blink through the tears before I place my head in my hands and heave a huge sigh.
In an almost whisper I make one more admission, "He broke my heart the most."
Shortly after that, Gia and Ruby head to bed, and I am unsurprisingly unable to fall asleep.
~~~
I sleep almost the whole next day. Ruby and Gia are in the apartment. I can hear them moving around, and I can hear them talking, but I stay in my room and in bed. I promise myself one day to wallow. After that, I am going to move on with my life. I am going to focus on work and get through my growing pile of books I want to read. Admittedly, once Dex and I started dating, I didn’t get a lot of time to read. So, I guess there is something to look forward to. Maybe.
By early evening, I start to get restless and hungry. I haven't eaten at all today. I have decided to make my way into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal when I receive a text.
Dex: Morgan, I'm sorry about last night. Let's talk about this. I don't want this to be over.
My instinct is to say ok, just to be able to see him again, but I need to stay strong and stick to my decision. As much as I know I’m going to miss him, I know I can't see him again. More freaking tears fill my eyes; I thought my tear ducts had nothing left to give.
Me: But it is over, Dex. I'm sorry if it seems like I blindsided you last night, but I think it's better that we ended things now, before we became too attached.
Several minutes’ tick by before his reply comes through.
Dex: This doesn't make sense. I thought we had something good. This isn't right. It isn't you. The Morgan I know isn't scared of a good thing.
My heart breaks a little as I read his text because he is right. It doesn't make sense. My reasoning is entirely idiotic. And we did have something good, but where he's wrong is that I am scared. I'm scared of almost everything.
I can barely see what I'm typing through the blurriness in my eyes.
Me: I guess you don't know me as well as you think. Bye, Dex.
I lie back down and cover my head with my pillow and let the tears continue to stream, and forgetting that I meant to get something to eat.
Around eight, I finally make my way out to the front of the apartment. Gia is sitting on the couch watching some entertainment news show, but she must hear or see me because the volume is muted and she looks at me, taking in my state.
"You look like shit, Mo," she says, finally.
"Thanks," I mutter and shuffle to the kitchen to get to work on a bowl of cereal.
"Are you going to be alright?"
"Where’s Ruby?"
"She went home about an hour ago. She will be back to pick you up in the morning for work. That is if you’re going to work tomorrow."
"Yeah, ok." I slowly walk back to the small dining room table and stare at my bowl.
"Morgan, answer me. Are you going to be alright?"
I sigh and look up at her, "Of course. I'm gonna be fine."
"Ok. You'll let me know if you need to talk, right? You know I’m always here for you, right?"
"I'll let you know, Gia. Promise.” With a slight smile, I go back to my bowl, and she turns the volume back on.