Lucas came into the bedroom and slid back under the covers with me. I cuddled up to his chest, wrapping my arms and legs around him and feeling completely content for the first time in weeks. I sighed against his skin and rubbed my cheek against him like a cat. He held me loosely and kissed the top of my forehead.

The guilt about Lucas’ deal was still there, but as long as he was in my arms, I could push it away. He made me feel safe. When he held me, I felt like everything would turn out right.

“I’m happy,” I told him. “Let’s not get out of bed today, ok?”

“I need to tell you something Rae.” Lucas’ voice was soft.

“I need to tell you something, too.” I told him. Now I knew that he was right. There was something between us. Something special, and rare. We were lucky to have found it.

“Let me go first,” he said, and something about his tone sent a shockwave of anxiety through me.

I pulled away and looked at him. “What’s wrong?” His expression was closed. “Lucas?”

He pushed my hair off my face tenderly. “Victoria texted me. She wants to have lunch today.”

It would have hurt less if he’d punched me in the stomach. I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. When I finally took a breath, it burned from how long I’d been holding my breath.

“Oh,” I managed. It wasn’t a very articulate response, but it was a response. I searched Lucas’ handsome face for some hint to how he felt. I didn’t know how to interpret what I saw. He was still cuddling with me though, slowly stroking my hair and back with gentle fingers. I took another cautious breath. He wasn’t telling me to leave. This wasn’t rejection.

Not yet, whispered my traitorous heart. But he will reject you. He still loves her. And you knew it all along.

“I was diagnosed with a terminal heart condition when I was a freshman in college,” Lucas said unexpectedly. I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand, and his eyes widened. “Misdiagnosed,” he clarified. “I was misdiagnosed.”

My heart continued to thump against my ribs. That was not an ok thing to spring on me. “Are you— alright?” The sudden change of subject was disconcerting, but I was frightened for Lucas. I laid my now-trembling hand atop his heart. It felt normal to me.

He nodded. “I have a harmless heart murmur. It was unusual though and initially misdiagnosed. I went through a couple of years thinking I was either going to need a transplant or die.”

“That’s awful.”

“It wasn’t fun.” He sighed. “But eventually I learned that I was ok. The stupid doctors had been wrong all along.”

I tried to wrap my mind around thinking I was terminally ill as a teenager. I wouldn’t have had the slightest idea how to process something like that then. Hell, I couldn’t imagine how I’d deal with it well now.

“I’m so sorry, Lucas. That must have been a terrifying time in your life.” I hugged him close to me to impart some comfort. I hated the idea of baby Lucas—ok, twenty-year-old Lucas—being scared like that.

He shrugged into my hug but kept on holding me. “Believe it or not, it was worse when I realized I wasn’t going to die. I had no idea what to do with myself. I’d been preparing to die for so long that I didn’t know how to live.”

I pulled away enough to see his face again. He looked confused.

“That actually makes a lot of sense to me,” I told him.

He raised his eyebrows. “I wish it made sense to me. It still doesn’t.”

It took me a minute to organize my thoughts. Lucas waited patiently, although I could tell he was curious. I eventually worked up the courage to tell him my own sad story. “I told you my dad died of cancer when I was eight. Well, while he was still alive, I met a little girl in the hospital whose dad was also sick. It was through one of those support groups, you know? Her name was Dawn. We ended up becoming friends, both Dawn and I and my dad and her dad. But Dawn’s dad got better when my dad got worse. When Dawn’s dad’s cancer went into remission, he got really depressed. Eventually he said that Dawn and I couldn’t be friends anymore. My mom said it was because he felt guilty that my dad wasn’t getting better. It seemed really unfair to me that I lost my friend. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.”

“I’m so sorry about your dad, Rae.” Lucas’ voice was quiet.

“Don’t worry about it. That was a long time ago.” Twenty years was a lot of time for me to come to terms with his death. I mostly had. Sometimes I didn’t think about my dad for months at a time. Sometimes I thought about him every day. I knew that I’d never fully heal up, but the wound was closed now. It didn’t hurt anymore.

“I guess you have a point,” Lucas said after a second. “Maybe I didn’t know what to feel. It might have been a perverse survivor’s guilt.”

“You know, it’s ok that you were depressed,” I told him. “There’s no shame in that, even if there was no specific reason. But especially after what you went through thinking you were going to die, I feel like anyone would have been a bit messed up.” I brushed his cheeks with my fingertips and he smiled a sad little smile at me.

“It was during that time that I met Victoria,” he told me. His expression was distant, like he was looking into the past.

“You don’t have to tell me about her if you don’t want to,” I told him. It might have sounded like I was trying to spare his feelings, but I was really sparing mine. Every time he talked about her, it took a little chunk out of my pride.

“Yes, I do,” he said. “I want you to understand.”

I swallowed hard. “Ok.”

He kissed my forehead again and closed his eyes tight as he told me the rest. I could feel the emotion in his voice. All his confidence and swagger were gone. This was Lucas at his most raw. “When I met her, I thought I’d never feel normal again. I figured that I would just go through the rest of my life like I was fighting through a thick, deep fog. Nothing felt real. But she was so alive. She was talented and artistic, and she felt real when everything else in my life felt fake. I was drawn to her like a stupid moth to a flame. I was happy to burn up in her atmosphere, because at least when she was close to me, I felt alive too.” He laughed a bitter little laugh. “Victoria wasn’t an easy person to be in a relationship with. She could be pretty cruel sometimes. She cheated on me a lot. But when things were good, they were really good. She reminded me that I was alive.”

My heart broke a little bit for Lucas when he looked up at me after falling silent. His hazel eyes were vulnerable. I hardly knew what to say. My insecurity spoke for me.

“Are you still in love with her?” I heard myself asking.

We looked at one another for a long time before he answered. I felt the world hanging in the balance.

“I don’t know, Rae. I wish I could tell you that I wasn’t, but I really just don’t know.” I could hear the honesty in his voice, and it just about killed me.

I nodded. This was what I should have expected. It was silly to expect that he’d say he didn’t love her. He’d spent the last three weeks spinning a fantastical tale of our fake relationship just to get her back. He was going to sell his app to Azure Group for ten percent below market price just to get her back. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes and I beat them down with every iota of strength I possessed.

I won’t cry in front of him. No matter what, even if I spontaneously combust instead, I still won’t cry.

“If you think you might love her, and if you think she still loves you, then you owe it to yourself to fight for her.”

His eyes widened. “But—”

I pressed my index finger to his lips and interrupted. “No. There’s nothing to say. I’ll… I’ll just go.”

“Rae, I’m not asking you to go.” His tone was surprised, and almost wounded. It made me feel worse.

“You can’t tell me you still love her and then ask me to stay, either. That’s not fair to me at all. Last night you said that you two were finished. But now, conveniently after we slept together, you say you still love her? Do you even realize how fucked up that is?” I pulled out of his arms. I was going to have to get out of his bed naked, and hunt around the entire apartment to get my clothes. That was going to be fun and not at all humiliating. I might as well not put it off.

“I’m sorry Rae.” He sounded genuine.

“Yeah, me too, Lucas. I’m very sorry I believed you.” I was aiming to hurt him, and I think I succeeded. He flinched.

Lucas swallowed hard before continuing. “I think I might be in love with you Rae.”

My anger flared and burned. “Then I guess you need to figure yourself out pronto. Because I don’t share.”

I swept out of bed, stark naked, and started hunting around for my underwear with as much dignity as I could muster. It wasn’t a lot. It’s hard to be properly haughty when you’re nude. I wriggled into my bra and panties and was already on the way to the living room to find my dress by the time he caught up with me.

“Rae, please don’t rush off. I really want to talk about this with you. I feel like you’re the only one who can help me to figure it out.”

Too bad. Figure it out yourself.

I rolled my eyes as I snatched my dress off the ground and wrestled it onto my body. It was all wrinkled from sitting on the floor all night. I was going to have to walk-of-shame back to my hotel in a cocktail dress. Fantastic. “Why don’t you go meet Victoria for lunch? I’m sure she’ll help you feel all better.”

Probably by sucking his cock with her evil, cheating mouth. I might be a lot of terrible things, but I’m not a cheater. I never have been, and I never will be.

I was pulling on my high heels before I realized that once I walked out the door, there was no reason for me to ever see Lucas again. My presence at the closing tomorrow wasn’t necessary, and I had no intention of attending. It didn’t stop me from leaving.