When in doubt, tell the truth. That was what my mom always told me. I doubt she ever had this situation in mind. Lucas looked at me quizzically and I felt my cheeks burning. He didn’t reply for a long, long time. His silence was my answer.

“Rae…” Lucas’ voice was soft. Sweet. Comforting. I shook my head.

“Don’t,” I interrupted. “I don’t want you to let me down gently, ok?” I sighed. “I know that you want Victoria and not me. I agreed to help you get her back, and I’m going to do it. Let’s just agree that we won’t kiss anymore. Ok? It confuses me.”

Lucas’ eyes held secrets he wasn’t going to confide. The bright, brilliant hazel I’d so quickly grown accustomed to seeing was suddenly dimmer. He looked like he wanted to tell me something, probably something meant to ease the sting of rejection, but he listened to me. He didn’t try to let me down easy. He just nodded.

“Ok Rae.” He was silent for a while more. I waited as patiently as I could. “It confuses me too, if it makes you feel any better. It confuses the hell out of me.” The raw honesty in his suddenly gravelly voice, and the heat in his eyes when he looked at me told me it was true.

My lips parted in surprise. Meeting his eyes had become difficult, so I stared straight ahead of me. “It helps a little,” I admitted. I stole a glance at him and saw that he was staring at his feet. Apparently, this was a hard conversation for both of us. At least we were being honest. I couldn’t stand it when people danced around the truth. It was better just to admit the hard things. Even if it meant not kissing Lucas again when I really, really wanted to. The shower I’d taken in his loft had been as ice cold as Barton Springs, and it still hadn’t helped with the constant, aching desire that I was feeling for him.

“I didn’t ask you to dye your hair because I didn’t like it,” Lucas said suddenly. I looked over at him in surprise, both by the change of subject and the subject.

“You didn’t?”

Lucas shook his head. “No. Not at all. I actually love that color hair.” He sighed. “I asked you to change it because it reminded me of Victoria’s hair color when we first met. Obviously, it’s not that color anymore. But I just thought it would be too weird. It was a selfish thing to ask. I’m really sorry.”

I shrugged. I touched the vibrant strands my new hair self-consciously. “I’d been wanting to dye my hair for a long time. I like it like this.” Every time I saw myself in the mirror, even after a week, I smiled. This was the color hair I wish I had naturally. It was perfect, and everyone said it looked really good. Even my brother liked it, and he was obnoxiously conventional.

“It does look really nice on you.” His tone was admiring.

“I’m honestly not angry about the hair thing at all. I swear.” He seemed weirdly hung up on it. Hair was just hair. Plus, the dye was temporary. It would fade in six weeks.

“I still feel bad though.” He frowned like he’d asked me to pierce my tongue or get a neck tattoo or something else permanent.

“Why?”

His frown deepened. “Victoria and I were together for four years. We got together in college and for a long time, we were happy. But over time, I think I messed up with her. She didn’t get what she needed from me and it made her unhappy. I tried, but it just wasn’t enough. But even though things weren’t perfect, I was still really surprised when she left.” He trailed off in memory. I wondered if I was the first person he’d told this story to. It seemed to be costing him a lot to relive it.

“You don’t have to tell me this,” I told him. “You don’t owe it to me.” Like I’d told him before, I didn’t want to make him sad.

He shook his head. “After Victoria left, I threw myself into my work. That’s paid off, or it’s about to.” He grinned at me for a second, reminding me why I was in this city in the first place. “But when I saw Victoria a few weeks ago, I realized that I had to get her back. Then when I matched with you, saw you…. When we talked I realized how smart, beautiful, sophisticated, and pragmatic you are. I thought it was fate. The universe had given me all the tools to get Victoria back. Was it a well thought out plan? No. Not at all. It was totally impulsive, and I’m not really an impulsive person. I’m not good at it. So I didn’t think about you, Rae. I didn’t think about how all this would make you feel. Like with your hair. I didn’t think about that before I said something. I didn’t think about you getting confused today at the pool when we kissed. And I didn’t think that I would get…so confused, too.”

Once he finished, I couldn’t say a thing. My heart was in my throat, threatening to escape out my mouth if I opened it. Lucas stared at his mostly uneaten pizza. Then he picked up his beer and took a drink of it before setting it back down self-consciously. “Rae, you’re staring,” he said. “Say something, please.”

I looked away, embarrassed. “I’m not sure what to say, Lucas.” I played with my charm bracelet nervously before folding my hands primly in my lap and sitting up straight. Curiosity got the best of me. “Do you really think that I’m all those nice things?”

Lucas looked confused. “What things?”

I squirmed. “You said I was smart, beautiful, sophisticated, and pragmatic. Do you really think I’m those things?” It hurt my heart just to ask, but I wanted to know. No, I needed to know. I needed to know if someone like Lucas could think so highly of me. After so many failed relationships, so many nasty dick pics, so many first dates that never went anywhere, I had to believe it meant something.

Lucas smiled at me. “Yes. Very much. Although it doesn’t help me feel less confused to admit it.” His tone was melancholy.

In that second, I wanted to be confused. I wanted to be totally and completely befuddled and lost and addled. I wanted Lucas to make it so much worse. I wanted him to get lost at sea with me.

I wanted to feel anything that wasn’t alone and rejected. I looked at him sitting there, fresh from a shower, looking like everything I could want in the world. Lucas was smart, ambitious, and kind. He was handsome, his body was terrific, and he wanted me. He was also hopelessly in love with someone else. Sitting on Lucas’ couch, stone cold sober, I made a fully informed, terrible decision.

“Lucas,” I told him. “I really think we should have sex now.”