Chapter 17
“Cool if I sit here?” Rachel points to the seat next to me.
“Have at it.” I take her hand and help her step over me. When she sits, she leans into me and kisses me on the cheek.
“Max tells me things have changed. You’ve gone from fighters to lovers?” She smiles at me, her whole face lit up and happy.
“Max is full of shit,” I chuckle. “No loving, just sleeping. I totally understand why that’s not believable based on my track record. But, it’s the truth, Doc.”
“I believe you. She’s probably the first woman you’ve really cared about.” She pulls her legs under her and covers up with a blanket. “Want to talk about it yet?”
“Are you sitting next to me as the hot doctor or the caring friend?”
“Which one do you want me to be?” I love Rachel. She’s so open to being whatever we need her to be. I don’t even remember a time when she wasn’t a part of our family.
“I always want the hot doc. But I will settle for friend today.” It will do me some good to talk to someone. “I’m scared shitless, Rach. I was eleven when I met her. I had to grow up so fast so I wasn’t your typical kid. She was a game changer for me. I’d been alone for so long and here was this gorgeous girl who was just as alone as I was.”
“How did you meet her?”
Rachel doesn’t know much about my past. Most of our sessions were spent with me trying to charm her so I didn’t have to answer her questions. “I was a foster kid. I’d been moved around a lot and ended up in this piece of shit place. She showed up completely devastated after losing her parents. She was the most beautiful and broken kid I’d ever seen walk through the door.”
“Exactly what you needed at the time you needed her. There’s no way you wouldn’t have developed a strong bond.” She nods her head at me.
“It was so much more than that, though. She was my first kiss and the first person I ever physically wanted. When I touched her, something happened to me. All these years, I’ve wondered where she ended up and I’ve wrestled with my guilt of leaving her alone.”
I clutch the armrests as the plane starts to taxi. My heart races and my breathing becomes shallow. Rachel reaches over and holds my hand. She’s always been a comfort when we’re traveling. She doesn’t ask why I’m fucked up, she just lets me be fucked up and helps me deal with it.
“Breathe,” she whispers. I shake my head and take a deep breath. “Why do you feel guilty about leaving her? Is there any way that could have been different?”
“I was in her bed. It was a cold night and the heat was broken. I snuck into her room to hold her. I’d done it so many times and never thought we’d get caught. But we did. One minute I was holding her and felt on top of the world, the next, I was packing my bag in the dark and being dragged out of the house. I never got to see her to say goodbye. I left her in that cold house all alone.”
“Chance, you were eleven. There is no way you could have changed anything about what happened. You wouldn’t have stayed together even if that night hadn’t happened. Foster kids don’t stay together. It’s just the reality of the system.” She squeezes my hand. “So, how do you feel now?”
“Guilty I didn’t recognize her right away. She meant so much to me then and twenty years later, she’s a stranger yelling at me for being a womanizer.” I close my eyes and lean back in my seat. “Guilty I didn’t know her the moment I looked into her eyes.”
Rachel leans her head into my shoulder. “Here’s my take on this whole thing. You are carrying around way too much guilt for things you can’t possibly change. I know you, Chance. You have slept with hundreds of women in your lifetime. Not once have you felt guilty about knowing you won’t be calling them or knowing that you’re using them.”
“Jesus, Rach. I should have asked to have the hot doc talk to me. She’s not allowed to judge me. I get I’m an asshole. Let’s not remind me.”
She laughs at me. “Not what I’m saying at all. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t feel any connection to those women but Katrina, she’s a whole different story. You feel guilty you couldn’t protect her as a child and that you didn’t recognize her twenty years later. You let her sleep in your bed but you don’t have sex with her. You share a connection none of us can even comprehend. And, you watch each other. Even now, you’re totally aware of where she’s sitting and who she’s sitting with.”
“So?” I’m confused. Who cares if I know she’s sitting in the back of the jet next to Max and she’s laughed really hard a few times? Who cares if I know she’s in a black tank top and a pair of ripped jeans? Who cares if I felt a little more complete the second she stepped onto the charter jet?
“She’s special. Whether you admit that or not is none of my business. I will say I love seeing you more relaxed. Well, aside from the take off. You really need to be medicated when you’re traveling.” She closes her eyes and relaxes further into me.
I wonder if Max and Katrina are sitting like this. I wonder if he can smell her honey scent and can feel the silk of her hair as it brushes against his arm. I wonder if she feels safe when she closes her eyes sitting next to him.
“I admit it. I’m not sure I’ll do anything about it but I definitely admit it.” I yawn and settle in for the long flight over to the island.
The sand is hot under my feet and I can feel the sun baking into my shoulders. It’s heaven. I’m such a beach bum and I have missed feeling the freedom of the ocean. I run my hand over the fiberglass longboard and look out at the waves. It’s the perfect day to surf.
I woke up early and headed to Manini Beach. The wind coming in from the east made the perfect groundswells and I can’t wait to get out there. Max and Harley have joined me but have spent their time chatting with the locals. Last time I took Max out, he kept dropping in on my waves so I’m happy to see him ignoring the surf.
I zip up my wetsuit the rest of the way and head out. The minute I hit the water, I’m home. The water has always been my sanctuary. Any time I needed to get away as a kid, I headed to the beach. There were so many nights that I slept in the sand just to avoid going home.
My board planes across the water as I paddle out. Cutting through the waves is like second nature for me. The rush of adrenaline hits when I spot the perfect wave. I paddle like hell and when I feel its momentum hit me, I’m up. I dip one rail of my board into the wave and ride down the curl. In this minute, I don’t have a care in the world.
I dive into the surf and feel the rush of the water around me. When I surface, I notice Harley paddling toward me. I straddle my board to sit and wait. The rest of the guys have shown up to spend the day on the beach. I notice Katrina right away. Not sleeping in her room last night felt strange but it was so late when we arrived, it made more sense to get some rest.
“Race you out back,” Harley paddles by me full speed.
“Son of a bitch.” I dive onto my board and race him out beyond the break. Everything else is forgotten, for now; life is about surfing.