Knock, knock.

“Urgh, Max, I saw the engagement photos online. I don’t need to see the real thing at…” I glanced at my watch. “Half ten at night on a school night. Some of us have work in the morning.”

I should’ve known this was going to happen. There was no way Max would let me get away with a few likes. He’d want me to swoon over the real thing; he probably even had a stack of wedding magazines with him.

Much as I wasn’t in the mood after the crappy weekend I’d had where I’d been feeling incredibly low over the knowledge that I still needed to recover from my past, I knew that there was no way of getting away with it. Not now that he was here.

I slumped toward the door trying to force a bright fake smile on my face, but as I swung it open it fell away. My mouth slipped open and I stared at the ghost of my past with genuine shock in my gaze. It was almost as if by allowing myself to think about him, I’d caused him to materialize.

But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

This had to be a dream.

Why now, after all these years, would he suddenly turn up just as I’d decided to let him go for good? I rubbed my eyes hard, trying to make the image of him vanish.

This wasn’t right. I needed to return to reality.

“It is really me, you know?” he told me softly. “I know I probably look very different, but it’s still me.”

My hands tumbled to my sides and my heart restarted with a bang. It went from not beating at all, to hammering so loudly in my chest that I feared it might break free at any given moment.

I stared intently at the stranger I knew so well. His dark eyes were still exactly the same. If I focused only on those I could almost imagine that the last few years hadn’t even happened, but then there were the crinkles around his eyes, the lack of curls, the muscles that had popped up as if from nowhere…

“What are you doing here?” I eventually gasped before clapping my hand over my mouth to prevent me from vomiting.

“Gio, I need to talk. Is there any chance I could come in?”

No, you killed me, you destroyed my heart, I don’t want to ever think of you again…

“Sure,” I heard myself saying instead. I even stepped aside and indicated toward the living room, giving him a much warmer welcome than he deserved.

Derek sat down on my couch, looking really out of place in his black hoodie and camo trousers. He looked like a mess, but a really rugged, incredibly handsome mess that I just wanted to grab onto…

No! I needed to remain strong.

I had to remember what he did to me. I was not going to fall into his trap again. I always felt more for him than he did me. That was incredibly obvious now, and there was no point in trying to convince myself otherwise.

“What are you doing here?” My walls planted themselves firmly around me, causing my tone to come out cold and harsh. He visibly flinched, but that was tough. He’d brought all of this on himself. If he hadn’t run away then maybe we could’ve really been something.

Not that I was thinking about that!

“I need to talk to you,” he eventually replied decisively. “I feel like there’s a lot of unfinished business between us that needs resolving.”

Something about those words flared my temper wildly.

“Unfinished business?” There was a chance I was shouting.

“No, there’s nothing between us. How could there still be unfinished business all these years later when you saw fit to leave me heartbroken and alone?” Oops, so much for looking cool.

“I know.” His eyes flickered downward and I noticed a green tinge to his face. Well, that wasn’t my problem. This probably was difficult for him but he only had himself to blame!

“I know I ran away like an idiot, and that was wrong of me. I just think you should know that I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think it was absolutely necessary…”

“Pfft, yeah right.” I folded my arms across my chest as an aggressive sarcasm laced my tone. I just couldn’t help myself. All the bitterness that I’d stored away over time came spilling right out.

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be easy to hear…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” A red glaze had shadowed my eyes; rational judgment was well out the window. “I don’t even understand why you’re here.”

“I need to talk to you.” His tone was desperate. It seemed like he’d planned exactly what he was going to say and the fact that I wasn’t allowing him to get a word in edgeways wasn’t going down too well.

“I needed to talk to you back then,” I exploded, throwing my hands wildly above my head. “But I couldn’t, because you were not here!”

“It wasn’t like that.” He shrunk in on himself. I could physically see him reverting back to the teenage boy he once was, only this time with insecurities attached. Guilt was there, settling in my stomach, but I couldn’t give in to it.

This was the first and only chance I was ever going to get to say all I needed to say. I really didn’t want to blow it.

“That’s exactly as it was. If you didn’t want a future with me then you should’ve told me that. You left me hanging, believing we would take on the world together, then you were just… gone.” Tears unexpectedly filled my eyes, and that didn’t help with the hard image I was trying to put across.

It seemed Derek wasn’t the only one who’d gone back in time. All the years that I’d spent working toward an awesome life for myself were just gone. I was eighteen years old, shy, awkward, not quite good enough for anyone.

“You upped and left without saying goodbye, then you never wrote or anything. You can’t just expect to turn up years later and have everything forgiven. It doesn’t work like that.”

“That isn’t my plan,” he replied gravely. “I didn’t come here to upset you.”

“Upset me?” Okay, now I was screeching, this was not going to plan.

“You can’t upset me. I’m so over you and I have been for years.” The lies were flying past my mouth much easier than I would’ve expected. I just needed to shut Derek down before he stole my heart all over again. I could feel that tug, the yearning, and I really wanted to give in to it.

“Yeah, well maybe…”

“Maybe nothing.” I jumped to my feet and allowed the rage to overwhelm me. Being angry felt much easier than being upset; I would save that until he was gone.

I didn’t let Derek see me cry then (mostly because he was nowhere to be found) and I certainly didn’t intend to start now.

“Look, Derek, just get out okay? There’s absolutely no reason for you to be here.”

“Please.” He stood up and clasped his hands together, actually begging me. My resolve slipped, but only slightly. I couldn’t feel bad for Derek right now. I needed to protect my own heart for once. It wasn’t quite healed from the last time he was in my life. I couldn’t risk it again. “Please, just hear me out I’m begging you.”

Yes, please tell me everything and make it all alright again.

“No,” I said coldly instead. “Just get out of here.”

He stared at me for a few seconds before finally fixing his eyes on the ground and turning to leave. Everything shattered within me as he walked toward the front door and out of my life again, but I had to let him go.

Derek didn’t stick around. He left before and he would again now. There was no point in ever getting my hopes up that things would be different, because that was never going to be the case.

I held it together, with my arms across my chest in an attempt to hold me upright, until I heard the click of the door indicating that he was gone.

Then I collapsed.

I fell back into the chair, and my cheeks wet from the tears. All the time that I’d spent building myself up to exist without Derek were gone, and all I wanted to do was call him back.

I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, but I wanted to.

I’d wanted to put him to the back of my mind to find a real love, but now that felt absolutely impossible. How was I supposed to have any kind of romance now that my heart was back in a million pieces? Or maybe it had always been that way, which was why I hadn’t ever been able to find someone else. No one could compare to Derek because of the state he left me in.

Well, all I knew for sure was that I wouldn’t let him do that to me again, no matter what. I would cry now for a while, get it out of my system, then I would continue on my healing journey. Maybe now that I’d given him some hell that would be the closure I so desperately needed, and moving on would be no problem at all.

I could hope, anyway.