Shit.

As my feet hit the concrete once more, guilt totally flooded my system.

I wasn’t necessarily expecting that meeting to be sunshine and roses, but I didn’t think there would be so much left over hurt to deal with.

I assumed it was just me stuck in the past, unable to move on. I really wasn’t expecting Gio to feel the same way. I’d done some serious damage to him. He wouldn’t have screamed at me in that way if it didn’t still trouble him now.

This was supposed to be all about closure, and now I had no idea what to do.

I didn’t know how I felt about any of it.

I didn’t feel like I’d put anything behind me at all.

If anything I’d reopened the wound, and now it was sagging wide open.

My heart bled, my organs ached, everything pained me all over.

There was a chance I’d made things a million times worse.

My eyes glanced from side to side as I recognized all the issues I’d created with coming back here while I was on leave from duty. Not only had I barged back into Gio’s life without thinking of the way it would affect him, but I also hadn’t planned where I was going to stay. I guess deep down I just assumed that I’d book a hotel when I got here, but now I felt like I needed to be around people who cared about me, which of course instantly put my family out of the picture.

I scrolled through my phone before stopping on the one name of the person I wanted to hang out with. It was bad really. He was Gio’s friend mostly, but I knew he wouldn’t turf me out. Plus I was intrigued by the insightful knowledge he could give me about my current situation.

It was likely I’d face another ear bashing, but it would be worth it, so with a deep sigh, I hit the dial button.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

My heart hammered nervously in my chest as I dialed, but I didn’t let that falter me. It was that or spend a lonely night getting myself even more worked up, which made it feel easier to deal with.

“Are you calling to congratulate me? Because if so I’m ready to bask in it!”

“Hi, Max,” I replied wryly. “Yes I saw the engagement photos online, congratulations.”

“Derek Tricks, I cannot believe it’s you. After all these years. It’s just lucky for you that I have the same number.” He didn’t sound as pissed off as I was expecting, which maybe had more to do with his good news than me. “How’s it going?”

“Not great, actually.” I felt terrible for being so negative during such a happy time of his life. Maybe this was a bad idea. “I just went to see Gio.”

He gasped loudly, blown away by my revelation, which only confirmed what a terrible idea it was. I should’ve got his advice first, that was a massive oversight on my behalf.

“You did what?”

“So I guess you can imagine how well that went.” My eyes slid shut for a second as I recalled Gio’s hurt face. He was mad at me, but the predominant emotion was sadness which I hated. I never would’ve come if I knew.

“I’m a bit stuck now.”

“Oh well, you’re more than welcome to come and stay with me and Bryant if you like? We’re going to be a bit sickly and in love now that we’re getting married, but I won’t have you out on the streets.”

“I’m not in that bad of a situation.” Despite myself I laughed at Max’s joke. “But I would love someone to talk to.”

“I will come and pick you up, are you near Gio’s house now?”

“Just around the corner.” I glanced up at his apartment, deciding to get away before I did something stupid like going back in there. “But I can get a cab if that’s easier?”

“Nonsense, just wait.”

As he hung up the phone I pumped my fists by my side in frustrated sadness. I didn’t want more drama in my life. I just wanted to be happy, which made this madcap mission seem idiotic. The worst part of it was that now my feelings for Gio were back with a vengeance; they were careering wildly all over me, making me regret absolutely everything that I’d ever done in my life.

I should’ve been stronger.

I should’ve stuck around.

I should’ve made things work.

If I hadn’t managed to get over him in all that time he was absent from my life, then it didn’t seem likely that I’d manage it now.

Now I would never get my happy ever after, and I only had myself to blame.

* * *

“Thank you for putting me up,” I said gratefully to Max as I slung my backpack onto the wonderfully posh spare bedroom he had in his house he shared with his fiancé.

“And thank Bryant too, I know this is a bit of a weird situation.”

He cocked his head and eyed me curiously, which meant I was about to get asked the questions I really didn’t want to answer. Still, this was Max. He’d just put himself out for me, I couldn’t really deny him, could I?

“I have to ask, Derek, what the hell is going on with you? You vanish for years. Everyone thinks you’re gone for good, then you rock back up out the blue. Maybe it isn’t polite of me to ask, but I need to know.”

I sighed noisily as my butt fell onto to extremely comfortable bed. This was a luxury I’d got used to living without. There was a chance that Max wouldn’t be able to wake me up for a week! “Do you really want to know?” Max didn’t even bother replying; he simply rolled his eyes and sat down next to me.

“Okay, look, this is going to make me sound a little pathetic, but I guess I’ve never really gotten over Gio.” I hated how ridiculous that made me sound, but I had to be honest.

“I know I haven’t been around, so I shouldn’t even be thinking of him, but he’s always there in the back of my mind.”

“So why did you leave?”

“I had to go.” Finally, someone was willing to hear my explanation. Hopefully, he would also tell Gio what I said. It might not help anything, but at least it’d leave him with the truth.

“I didn’t leave him because I didn’t want him. It was because I wasn’t good enough for everyone else.

“I finally came out to my parents, and they rejected me cruelly. I knew then that they’d never accept me, so I had to run away. It might not sound like a rational decision now, especially doing it in the way that I did without telling anyone, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice at the time.”

“Woah.” Max slid his hand comfortingly around my back.

“That’s rough, but you know we would’ve helped you if you’d just told us? Gio especially, he would’ve done absolutely anything for you.”

“How did he take it? When I left, I mean.” I closed my eyes preparing myself for the worst.

If I pictured it happening the other way around, I would’ve been absolutely destroyed.

It was just unfortunate that I was so wrapped up in my own issues at the time. I just couldn’t see anything else.

“You already know the answer to that, he was a mess. But he coped, he moved on, he started to build a life for himself.”

“Yes, it looks like he’s done well for himself. His apartment is incredible.” I nodded slowly, as if my lungs weren’t being crushed in my chest. I was far more overwhelmed than I expected to be.

“I’m glad that he’s done so well for himself.”

“Well, you have too. Word on the street is that you’re living a pretty nice life in the army.”

“Word on the street?” I couldn’t imagine anyone talking about me.

“Okay, Facebook,” Max shrugged and smiled. “But it seems like you’ve done alright.”

“Yeah, it’s not bad.” Mostly it wasn’t. I loved a lot of it, but I couldn’t really think about any of that right about now.

I just needed to work out how to dig myself out of the hole I was in.

“So, now I need to ask you something else a little weird,” Max said.

I braced myself, expecting the worst.

“What did you come back to see Gio for? Do you want him back?”

I pursed my lips as I thought about that. It wasn’t the reason I’d given myself for returning. That was the total opposite, but now I was much less sure. Seeing him had relit that fire in my chest, the one that told me I was untouchably standing in front of the man for me.

Maybe the real reason no one could compare was because they weren’t ‘the one’.

“I don’t know,” I eventually replied honestly. “I guess that’s what I’m here to find out.”

“Well as long as you don’t hurt my friend in your path to self-discovery, then you know I’ll do whatever I can to help you. You can stay here for as long as you want.”

“That is the last thing in the world that I want to do, and thank you, Max, you really are the best.”

Things might have sucked, but at least I had good friends to rely on.

I wasn’t totally unlucky.