Chapter Ten
ON THE LAST Sunday before Thanksgiving, Kelly went to church.
Even though Williams was right about his wanting to feel part of a community, Kelly didn’t actively try to engage with any of the parishioners. He was polite when they introduced themselves and inquired about him, but he left things at that. Being in church, hearing the comforting murmurs of call and response, that’s what he’d come for. The service wasn’t the same as the one he attended back home, but it was close enough to be a balm.
He saw Williams across the sanctuary, his entire family in tow. Williams’s wife was beautiful in a way that reminded Kelly of his mother: no makeup, only striking features and a plain but pretty style. The children were an adorable mob, each one towheaded and apple-cheeked from the cold snap that had taken Danby by surprise that morning. Though Williams waved, Kelly didn’t close the distance between them, choosing simply to wave back and observe the happy clan from across the room.
As he headed back to campus—a mile-and-a-half trek leaving him plenty of time to think—he pulled out his phone, rubbing his thumb against his ring as he scrolled through. No messages, no texts, not even from Walter.
None from any potential boyfriend.
He’d gone to lunch with a nice guy from his econ class, someone as bored and lost in the back of the room as he was, and everything looked great until he’d found out Jason already had a boyfriend, and he couldn’t wait for Kelly to meet him.
Worst of all? They’d met by being roommates.
The fall wind whipped around his ears, making Kelly shrug the collar of his coat higher. He stared at the leaves as they swirled in soft eddies around his shuffling feet. The crunch of leaves and cold burn of wind soothed him, reminding him of walks through his neighborhood back home, the same walks that had helped him first come to terms with his orientation. Kelly wanted to keep walking, keep letting his mind spin slowly, quietly, with no one and nothing to impede it.
He walked so long and far that he missed the cafeteria lunch service, so he swung through a deli on the highway in front of campus and grabbed a soup and sandwich. He watched the couples of all ages, noticing the ones who clung to each other didn’t seem half as connected as the older couples who barely touched at all. He found he couldn’t stop watching an elderly pair who barely spoke, the woman fussing to get more coffee and napkins for her husband whose eyes seemed slightly cloudy and unfocused—all until he looked at his wife. Kelly saw the affection he had for her, his gratitude, his love.
As he finished eating and headed back onto campus, past the lake to say hello to the swans, his insular world felt ridiculous and strange, more so than usual. He wished the rest of the day could be as quiet and pensive as his walk had been, so much so that he took the long, outdoor, and out-of-the-way path back to his dorm, which was why he passed Ritche Hall and saw Williams hurrying inside.
Kelly followed.
Though he hesitated at the professor’s open door, Williams beamed at Kelly. “What a lovely surprise. Come on in.” He regarded Kelly as he sat down, and his expression schooled to concern. “What’s on your mind?”
Kelly hadn’t really known why he’d gone into the building until that moment, but at Williams’s inquiry, all became clear. “I’ve been thinking more about what I expected and why Hope has been a little disappointing. I think I’ve figured it out.”
“Oh?” Williams settled back in his chair in a half slouch and laced his fingers over his midsection. “Let’s hear it.”
“I think I expected, or really, assumed, that going to college would mean growing up. That everything about being at college, at Hope, would be moving me toward that. Except I don’t always feel like it is. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it seems even more ridiculous than high school.”
Williams’s expression was wry. “I hate to break it to you, but that doesn’t go away after college. It’s pretty much a constant state.”
“But why?” Kelly could feel himself almost whining and tried to rein himself in, but it was difficult. “I don’t understand. If I’m not supposed to grow up in college, when the hell am I?”
“Ah. That right there, Mr. Davidson, is where you begin to go wrong. There is no supposed to. There’s no magic ruler by which we’re all judged and weighed, not in this life. If you wait for someone to tell you it’s time to grow up, you’ll wait forever. Some people, quite happily, do just that. They don’t do anything until they’re forced to by circumstance.”
“Well, that’s awful.”
“You might see if you can squeeze in a few philosophy courses next semester. I know they’ve cut that department down to nearly nothing, but I think you might enjoy the academic exercise.”
It seemed an unsatisfying response to people being lazy and awful by definition, to take a course about why they might be so, but Kelly didn’t want to point that out. “I’m not sure I’ll have time. I was planning on switching over to history education, and I hear that major has a really tight timeline.”
“Teaching. Well, far be it from me to countermand the education department, but my advice, as an educator myself? Make the time for that philosophy class, Kelly, if you truly do plan to be a teacher. Because those people who wait forever to grow will be all over your schoolroom.”
Kelly was starting to feel more depressed by the minute. “So you’re saying don’t bother trying to help them?”
“Not even close. I’m saying get inside people’s heads a little before you try to fill the spaces there.”
“Isn’t that psychology?”
“It might be. It might be both.” Williams’s smile was slow and knowing, and something about the back end of it made Kelly’s skin prickle. Like Williams knew a secret, and if Kelly were very good and patient, he’d let him in on it.
Kelly, however, wasn’t feeling very patient. “How am I supposed to find out?”
“Have you heard of the Philosophy Club?”
“Yeah, Rose has talked about it a few times.” She’d tried to get Kelly to come, but the reading list made Kelly’s eyes cross.
Williams pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Kelly. “We’re having a meeting on Tuesday afternoon in the back room at Opie’s. Why don’t you come? You don’t have to do the reading. Just show up and see what you think.” He winked. “I’ll buy your dinner, though, if you can rope Walter into joining you.”
Kelly still wasn’t sure about this, but he supposed at the very least he’d have something good to eat. “Okay.”
“Great. See you there.” He leaned back in his chair. “I’m serious about that meal. Round of drinks to go with it. Root beer, of course, though I know Walter got you an ID.”
“I’ve never used it,” Kelly said, blushing.
Williams laughed. “Tuesday.”
“Tuesday,” Kelly agreed.