Chapter Twenty-Seven
THE DOCUMENTARY PRODUCTION went very well, and Jax promised an Oscar-worthy film by the time they returned from break. Ethan’s computer nerds stood by ready to roll, and Rose printed the posters and prepared the graphics and copy for social media. Really, Walter thought, it was a shame they couldn’t put all this on their resumes, because it was better than half the internships they could sign up for.
He had dinner with Williams before Walter went back to Northbrook—Thai takeout in Williams’s office with the traditional bad coffee. They’d remained in their usual contact since the campaign began, but their conversations were always slightly stilted, and they kept the door wide open and their voices at levels allowing others to verify they weren’t colluding on plans. Tonight, however, they were the only two in the building, and Williams declared he didn’t care. Wearily, he shut the door and handed Walter a box of red curry and rice.
“Don’t give me details,” he said, “but tell me that you’re not killing yourselves over this. If I lose my job and you all flunk out of college, I’ll never live with myself.”
“We’re fine. You give us most of our grades, and last I checked, we’re still working our asses off for them.” He aimed his fork at Williams. “You’re not losing your job.”
Williams shrugged and dipped into his green curry. He looked so defeated. “Holtz says there’s good odds that this Regent meeting will smooth things over.”
Walter brightened. “There is a meeting then?”
Williams winced. “Shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”
“Already forgotten.” Except he was so calling Rose on the way home. He didn’t want to torture the professor any further, though, so he changed the subject. “How’s the family doing?”
“Stressed. I have applications out all over the country, and a couple of colleges have put me into consideration for interviews. Karen wants me to wait until Holtz does his thing, but honestly, I have to have a back-up plan in place. Getting a new position isn’t easy in any event, but add my age and lack of publishing and it’s almost impossible. But she doesn’t want to move, and neither do the kids. So it’s hell.” He sighed. “Sorry, I’m a real Debbie Downer.”
“I hate that they’re doing this to you. It makes me insane.”
Williams reached over and squeezed his arm briefly, then fussed with his mouse, scrolling through his email while he continued to speak. “I’ll make it through. It’s you I worry about. Tell me good things about your life, Walter. I know you’re hopelessly in love with your roommate and he with you, so I assume that’s all good. Doing anything together over break?”
Thinking of Kelly made Walter ease a little. “No, he has to go back home. His mom got laid off, and he wants to be with the family. I think he has some crazy idea about getting a job over break, but yeah, that’s what he’s doing. I’m heading home to do First Attendant prep work with Cara.”
Williams stopped messing with his mouse. “Is Kelly’s family okay? Do we need to look at some scholarships for him?”
“That’s probably a good idea, though they’ll have to be academic, not need-based. He’s in that crappy middle bit where his family still has income but is about to lose it. So he won’t qualify for loans until next year. I know too that his dad won’t want him taking loans, either. But Kelly’s obsessed because his sister is on deck to go to school.”
Williams frowned. “Hope is pretty damn expensive. I hope he’s able to continue.”
Walter went still. His shoulders tightened, so much so that he felt a sharp pinch in a tendon on his left side. “What do you mean?”
“Just that if he’s in that much of a financial snarl, he may have to transfer out.” When Walter went white, Williams swore and sat up. “Shit. God, I’m an idiot. I’m sorry. He won’t transfer, Walter. Ignore me.”
Walter was having a hard time breathing. “You think he’ll have to leave Hope?”
“I don’t think anything. Debbie Downer, remember? Like you said, scholarships. There are a few that are for need-based but don’t have anything to do with FAFSA requirements. I know a few people who know a few people. We’ll get him sorted, okay?” He studied Walter’s face for a second, then sank back in his chair and wiped his forehead. “Okay. Good. That’s settled. Just don’t ever look at me that way again.”
Walter blinked. He felt dizzy and off focus. “What do you mean? Look like what?”
“As if I’d killed your dog in front of you. Though God knows I’ve already let you down enough this year.” He pinched his forehead. “Seriously, ignore me. I’m not in a good head space. It’s funny, I prepared all year to be told I was losing my job, but somehow I still wasn’t ready.”
Dimly, Walter was aware something significant had just happened. Some part of him was able to pull back and assess the situation, observing both that Williams had brought up a valid point about Kelly and Hope and that Walter had pretty much freaked out at the idea of Kelly leaving. Worse than Williams leaving. He couldn’t observe this long though, because even acknowledging it made him feel very…bad. He swallowed and put the Thai down on the edge of the desk.
Williams swore under his breath. “Subject change. Tell me about your Valentine’s Day. I don’t even care if I hear something inappropriate. Tell me about your date, because knowing you, it was spectacular.”
Walter thought about the trip to St. Louis, the fancy dinner, the way Kelly’s face had lit up at all the special touches, the way he’d felt in Walter’s arms. He meant to tell Williams about that, but instead when he opened his mouth he said, “He gave me a Disney movie.”
Williams raised his eyebrows. “For Valentine’s Day? Which one?”
“Pete’s Dragon on Blu-ray.” Walter stared at the Thai container, smiling to himself as he remembered. “He kind of has a Disney fetish, and I told him once that I loved that one as a kid. So he got it for me. We’ve watched it twice already.”
Williams smiled and eased back into his chair. “Perfect. What’d you give him?”
Walter told the story of their St. Louis trip, which ended up bleeding into the story of how they accidentally got lost on the way home and had dinner in some weird barbecue joint where Walter personally inspected the kitchen for allergens and Kelly sat mortified in the booth. Williams laughed, and they ate their Thai, and when Walter finally got on the road for Chicago, he was still smiling as he thought of hanging out with his advisor. It had been the same old times, after the bumpy start. He was determined to make sure they had one more year of doing so, and that any time he felt like visiting Hope he could do that again, for as long as Williams wanted to be there.
Northbrook of course put an immediate damper on his bliss, but he had been ready for that. His mother had been frosty at best since he’d run away at Christmas, and he would have skipped coming home entirely, but he wanted to check in on Tibby and he’d promised he’d help Cara. He took care of his sister first, booking several full days at the barn to watch her ride and promising to go to a Saturday show after he had his big prep meeting with Cara.
Tibby seemed to be doing well—their grandparents had shown up the week before, and Grandma Claire had been keeping tabs on Tibby, it turned out, making sure she was okay. Walter made a mental note to send her a bucket of flowers and chocolates and an album full of pictures of him and Kelly. His mom was also a happy surprise. She told him she’d switched to a new therapist and was working hard, always taking her meds. She’d fired the cleaning service too and did the work around the house herself because it made her feel productive, like that time they’d worked together. Something told Walter there was no way his mom was now in perfect mental health—there would be more awkward moments and nasty shifts—but the fact that she was clearly trying meant a lot.
Cara wasn’t as easy. She was in full bridezilla mode, with the wedding only two months away, and every message from the caterer or florist contained a potential international incident and opportunity for every woman in the room to break down weeping. In Cara’s defense, Walter could tell her mother and grandmother and her mother-in-law-to-be only threw oil on the fire and made sure it had plenty of coals. So on the Friday night before he went back to Hope, he took her down to Boystown, plunked her at the bar at Roscoe’s and got her completely smashed.
“I just want to go to Vegas,” she sobbed into her appletini. “I want to marry Greg. But I can’t do this wedding.”
“It’s going to be fine,” Walter told her for the thirtieth time and signaled the bartender to switch her over to water for a bit. “Give me the list of things you want me to do, and I’ll do them. Tibby will help too.”
“You can’t. You have Williams to save.” She sobbed harder. “I’ve been a horrible friend because I haven’t been helping you.”
She pretty much had been horrible, but after watching for a week what her life had become, Walter understood why. He wiped her face with a bar napkin, wondering if he should tell her that her mascara had pulled a Tammy Faye or if it was best to let that ride. “Kelly’s helping me, and Rose. Even that dingbat Ethan Miller is pulling his weight. We’ve got Williams. You keep working not to lose your mind before you walk down the aisle.”
“I tried so hard. I tried not to let it go crazy. I don’t know how I lost control.” She hiccupped. “Then my work has been bad, and Greg is all stressed—” She picked up a napkin and blew her nose into it.
Walter stroked her back, kept her hydrated, repeated soothing refrains. When the bars closed, he got her home, stopped on the way to let her vomit, and spent the night at her house and made sure she was done emptying her stomach. He woke before she did, went downstairs and had a long talk with her mother about Cara’s stress level.
Checking his phone, he saw he had about two hours before they were supposed to start stuffing wedding-favor bags and take Cara to her final fitting. Slipping out to a local coffee shop, he ordered a soy latte in honor of Kelly, then called him up and smiled as his boyfriend answered the phone.
THE POST-BREAK BLITZ to save Williams went, Kelly thought, as well as it probably could. The documentary was well-received and seemed to renew the interest in saving the communications department, and the negative side campaign, including the hacking, helped make the administration look particularly bad. Walter had said there would be a meeting of the board of regents, and true to form, they had one scheduled for the last week in April. They planned to discuss the departmental issues and announce their decision the last week of classes in May, which also happened to be the week before Cara’s wedding.
“They’re doing that so if they decide negatively, there can’t be any more pushback,” Rose complained.
“There won’t be any more pushback if they decide in favor of keeping Williams,” Ethan pointed out. “I just can’t believe they’ll drag this out that long. If he doesn’t get to keep this position, he has to find a new one.”
“That’s probably what they’re counting on, that he’ll have to get another job first and save them the trouble,” Walter said.
Kelly agreed that he wished they’d decide sooner rather than later, though for different reasons. He and Walter didn’t discuss the next school year much, only during the week Walter had been eligible to sign up for housing. They were now secured for a room in the upper story of Hampton, which was great—except Kelly didn’t know that he could come back.
He hadn’t said a word to Walter about what his family’s stark financial situation might mean to their plans, but sometimes Kelly thought Walter knew what might be coming. He wanted to talk about it, but every instinct he had told him not to bring it up until he had no other choice. When Kelly found himself in Williams’s office discussing some scholarship opportunities, he decided to lay everything out on the table and see what Walter’s advisor thought of the situation.
Williams sank back into his sagging office chair with a sigh. “Normally, I’d tell you to shoot straight and be honest. With this? With Walter, right now?” He shook his head with a grimace. “Let’s just say I’m hoping one of these donors comes through with a full ride for you.”
Kelly blinked. “Is that even a possibility?”
“Only if we’re living one of your Disney movies.” Williams ran a hand over his face. “God, I hate this. I don’t know how much he’s told you about his past, but your boyfriend is the poster child for abandonment issues. Doesn’t help a damn thing that he has such a big, giving heart. He tries to hide it, but he has to have at least one or two people he can shower affection on as a kind of outlet. That would be you and me right now, kid, and we’re both poised to abandon him the way nobody ever has.”
Kelly felt sick. And trapped. “Dr. Williams, I can’t make my family pay thirty-six thousand a year just because I don’t want to make Walter feel bad.” He hugged himself and hunched over. “Maybe I could go part-time until he graduates and I can transfer.”
“No, Kelly. You were right the first time. You can’t make your family strain just to avoid a nasty situation for your boyfriend.” He rubbed at his temple. “Let me keep working on this. Or are your parents pressuring you to make a decision right now?”
Kelly shook his head. “They’re ready to send me here again if it’s what I want. The thing is, the only thing here specifically that I want is Walter.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured.” He shook his head. “If the appeal falls through, I hope he goes elsewhere. This has always been settling for him. I know he says it doesn’t matter, but it does. He’s so smart. Brilliant, even. But he needs to have somebody supporting him, or he’s not okay. God, he’d hate us talking about this. Except it’s true.” Williams looked at Kelly over the top of his glasses. “You get that, right? That Mr. I-Don’t-Need-Anyone only says that to keep people from suspecting what a big fat lie that is?”
Kelly smiled sadly. “Yeah. I’ve known that for a while now.”
Williams went back to skimming his computer screen. “We’ll find a way to fix this. I don’t know how yet, but we’ll find a way.”
The talk helped Kelly. It made him feel less like he was keeping a secret from Walter and more that he was working on a solution.
The April meeting of Philosophy Club was on Francis Herbert Bradley and the philosophy of idealism. While Kelly still thought the whole philosophy thing went a bit above his head, he enjoyed Bradley and his good self vs. bad self. His favorite part was Bradley’s suggestion people lean on religious teachings to find their way. Kelly had started becoming a regular churchgoer, much to Walter’s chagrin, and he found the hour to reflect and remember what was important in life centered him, helped him pilot better through the rest of his week.
He held Walter’s hand as they headed back to the dorm after the Bradley meeting. The usual herd was headed for Moe’s, which hopefully meant Porter would be a bit more isolated than normal. It was hard to believe in a month he wouldn’t have to live there anymore, one way or another. He’d be either in the air-conditioned Manors with Walter, or he’d be…somewhere else.
“Three weeks until the decision,” Walter said as they crossed the common and headed past the student union. His voice was quiet, and he sounded sad. “I hope we’ve done enough.”
Kelly squeezed his hand. “If it isn’t enough, you’ll know you gave it everything you had.”
Walter looked so tired. “Kelly, I don’t know what I’ll do if they don’t keep his position. I honestly have no idea.”
“Whatever it is, we’ll face it together.”
Walter pulled him close, and Kelly slipped an arm around his waist.
As they made love that night, though Kelly hadn’t set out to plan it, he found himself subtly shifting the tables. It was he who pressed Walter into the mattress, he who covered Walter with kisses and urged him to let go, give in to pleasure. It wasn’t the first time he rimmed him or added a combo blow job, but it was the first time he ever felt so intent on caretaking, on giving Walter a safe space. What came next, in the end, was only a natural extension.
They exchanged no words to confirm their switching of previous roles, but when Kelly began to ease him open, Walter opened his legs and helped him along.
As soon as Kelly began to push inside, feeling the heat and tightness around his cock, he quietly vowed he’d be doing this again and soon. Being fucked felt good, but fucking wasn’t bad, either. Walter seemed to appreciate the change as well—he shut his eyes and let go, gasping and clutching at the futon, urging Kelly on. Kelly didn’t hesitate to give his lover what he asked for.
When they came down, breathless and sweaty and sated, they spooned together, the smell of sex wrapping around them. Walter smiled sleepily and twined his fingers lazily in Kelly’s hair.
“I can feel your spunk leaking out of my ass,” he murmured, laughing. “I haven’t felt that since I was too stupid to demand condoms.”
Kelly fought not to shut his eyes against the gentle massage at his scalp. “I like that feeling too.”
Walter nuzzled Kelly’s lips, his fingers in Kelly’s hair slowing to a more deliberate caress. “Thank you.”
Kelly nuzzled back. “You’re welcome.”