Chapter Twenty-Eight
WHEN WALTER WAS five, he’d been lost in a department store. One moment his mother had been standing at the perfume counter while Walter touched the shiny rows of dangling necklaces, admiring the way they danced in the light, and the next his mother was gone. He’d wandered the gleaming white counters, heart pounding, wanting to call for her but not daring to shout and get in trouble for making a scene. Though the adventure had probably only been a few minutes, it had felt as if it were hours that he wandered up and down the center aisle, hoping for a glimpse of her red coat, until he couldn’t hold back his tears and a saleslady took him to customer service. He’d been reunited with his mother right away, and she’d even fussed over him, giving him hugs and telling him never to wander off again, but that horrible feeling of what it felt like to be lost, hopelessly lost with no idea of how to find himself, had never gone away.
Whenever he was particularly stressed out, Walter replayed variations of that moment in dreams. The night before Williams’s decision was to be announced, he had the version where he was lost in an airport—still young, still looking for his mother, but it was seas of suitcases and suit legs he navigated, not white counters and rows of perfume. In his nightmares, unlike real life, he never found his mother, and no one ever rescued him. He always woke agitated, hollowed out, and sick to his stomach.
That Thursday morning when he climbed out of the dream, Kelly was there, asleep beside him on the futon. They were both naked and twined together, pulled close in one of their last nights together until whenever they visited one another this summer. Walter intended to put in an appearance for a week or so in Northbrook and then head for the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes. He had, without telling Kelly, priced apartments in Windom and looked for part-time jobs so he didn’t seem stalker-ish. He hadn’t committed to anything yet, but he hadn’t ruled anything out either. Their room was almost completely packed. Kelly’s parents were coming on Saturday to move him out, though Kelly himself would be in Northbrook at Cara’s wedding with Walter. They were taking Walter’s things too, in a little trailer they’d borrowed from a neighbor for the occasion. Walter felt this was a sign his apartment idea was a good one.
At that moment he wasn’t thinking much about apartments, though.
It was early, but he couldn’t stay in bed any longer, and he didn’t want to wake Kelly, so he dressed quietly and headed out to wander the campus. He skipped the cafeteria, meandering around the pathways that led to the lake instead, stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets and letting his caged thoughts spin out across the early morning mist. The leaves were in bloom, but they still had that stark green that came with first leaf. The flowerbeds were lush and primed for the marigolds the seniors would plant as part of their graduation ceremony on Sunday. The swans swam serenely as ever. Everything was quiet and beautiful, and it gave Walter hope, something to hold on to while he waited to hear what the future would bring. He wanted to sit at Williams’s office, but he knew Williams was at home, waiting for the 8 a.m. phone call that would decide his fate.
Walter paced the length of campus and back again, waiting for it too.
At 8:16, his phone rang. He held it in his hand a moment, heart tight, arms aching. Then he swallowed hard and answered.
“Hey, Williams,” he said, trying—and failing—to keep his tone glib. He looked up at the beauty of a magnolia tree in bloom above him, fixating on the frail, pink blooms. “Tell me the good word.”
He had his answer before Williams spoke, in the heavy, painful beat of silence. “I’m so sorry, Walter.”
Walter shut his eyes, breathing against the heaviness that hit him, pulling him down and down into a sorrow that did not stop.
“Walter, listen to me.” Williams’s voice sounded broken. “You did everything you could. I know that. I saw it. I watched you, watched everything you did. I know you got to them, and I think you moved a lot of the regents. You did amazing things, worked miracles, and moved mountains, and that counts.”
Walter’s throat was so thick he almost couldn’t speak. “Not enough.”
“Yes, enough.” Williams’s voice grew stronger. “You did far more than enough. You were amazing, Walter, the way you always are.”
Walter felt sick. He swayed on his feet and put an arm out against one of the magnolia branches to steady himself. “They can’t do this. They can’t do this.”
“They can. They did. They’re selfish, idiot bastards, and I don’t have to play nice for them anymore—but yes, they can do this. Right now, though, I don’t care about them. I care about you. Where are you, Walter? I’m halfway to campus, and I’m coming to find you.”
Walter opened his eyes at that, panicked, as if Williams might already be there. “No. I want to be alone.”
“The hell you do. Listen to me: we’re going to be okay. Both of us. You get that? I don’t care what they did or didn’t do. I’m not leaving you, and you’re going to be okay.”
Walter’s laugh was hollow and dangerously watery. “I didn’t lose my job.”
“No. But you and I both know, Walter, that you feel you lost something a lot bigger than that. I’m telling you it’s not true. I don’t care where I am next year, or where you are. I will not abandon you. Understand that, please, because I’m going to keep saying it until you do.”
Walter wiped at his eyes and moved away from the tree, heading to the other side of the union. He could see the lake in the distance, the cove on the far side where the swans liked to hide in the shadows. He saw them now, swimming silently together on the mirrored surface.
He wiped his eyes again.
“I have to go,” he said, choking on the words.
“Walter.” Williams was almost shouting. “Walter, don’t you dare hang up on me.”
Walter kept looking at the swans.
Kelly. Kelly would go too. He knew it in his bones. He’d known it all along. He’d known Williams would leave, Cara, Kelly—they all would. They all did, in the end.
“Walter Lucas, you get your ass to my office right now, or so help me God, I’ll send the SWAT team out to find you.”
Kelly would leave. They all would leave.
Walter’s stomach lurched, and he almost fell on his face. “I have to go.”
He hung up the phone. He turned off the ringer.
He let tears stream down his face and stumbled toward the lake.
KELLY WOKE TO someone pounding on his door. The knocking was so insistent that he didn’t bother getting dressed, only wore the sheet to the door, where his equally rumpled RA stood holding a piece of paper.
“You’re supposed to call this number, right now. It’s some professor.”
Frowning, Kelly took the paper, wondering who could want him to call. Then he remembered what day it was, saw the time, and he fumbled for his phone.
“Kelly,” Williams said as he answered. “Thank God. As usual, I’ve fucked everything up. I told Walter about the board’s decision over the phone, and he got upset and now he’s gone.”
So it had been a bad decision. Shit. Kelly tucked the phone into his shoulder and started putting on his clothes, a task made difficult by his shaking hands. “Gone where? Is his car still in the lot?”
“Yes. I checked that first thing.” Williams swore under his breath. “I’m such an idiot. I should have waited.”
Shoes. Where were his shoes? “Where have you checked?”
“All of Ritche Hall, but that was probably stupid. He doesn’t want me to find him.”
Kelly grabbed his room keys and buttoned his shirt as he headed for the door, his sweatshirt over his arm. “I think I have an idea where he is. Is this your mobile? I’ll text you when I find him.”
“Yes, this is my cell. I’m sorry, Kelly.”
“It’s fine,” Kelly said, though not very convincingly.
Pushing down his fear and worry, he headed out of Porter and took off at a steady jog across the campus.
At first he’d thought he’d guessed wrong, but just as he was about to try the back side of the PE complex, Kelly saw a familiar flash of dark hair inside of the campanile. When he caught enough sight of Walter to confirm, he texted Williams and broke into a run.
When he got closer, though, he slowed down. He took the long way to the edge of the lake, softening his footfalls, not wanting to alert Walter to his presence until he had to. Walter stood still and rigid, dark hair ruffling in the wind as he stared out at the water, where the swans drifted silently. Either Kelly hadn’t done a very good job of sneaking, or Walter was dulled to the point that he couldn’t be surprised, because when Kelly came up beside him, he didn’t even glance his way, only said, “Kelly, go.”
Kelly didn’t, but neither did he try and argue. He came up beside Walter, tucked his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt, and watched the swans too.
It was an oddly comfortable silence—all the panic Kelly had felt before he’d found Walter bled away, because now that they stood together, Kelly felt sure everything would somehow be fine. He let himself marvel in that a moment, not sure if it was real or made up in his head. He decided the truth didn’t matter. He believed it would be, and believing otherwise certainly wasn’t going to help him out.
He watched the swans a little longer, feeling their calm and gentleness seep into him.
“I think,” Kelly said at last, “that Lancelot and Gawain were the reason I decided to come to Hope.”
Walter gave no reaction, not that this surprised Kelly. Kelly settled into his story, though, smiling as he remembered.
“I saw their picture on the website above the caption that told their story, but even before I knew they were gay, I’d fallen in love. It was like they called to me. Told me if I came here, everything would be okay. So I did.”
Walter snorted.
Kelly resisted the urge to turn to him. “They didn’t lie. It was a good decision to come here. Not everything I learned this year was what I expected to learn, but there’s nothing in the world I would trade for my year at Hope. I think I’ll look back at my freshman year of college for the rest of my life and realize things that I picked up during these nine months. The swans were right. They told me to come, that it was a good decision, and so I did, and I’m not sorry.”
“You’re leaving.” Walter’s voice was raw and rough, accusing. “You’re going to transfer for the fall.”
He did turn to Walter then, still calm, still carrying the gentleness of the swans. “I’m not sure yet. But it’s something I need to consider. Whatever happens, though, Walter—whatever happens—I’m not leaving you.”
Walter’s glare was full of anger and hurt. “You and Williams trading bullshit this morning? Yes, if you transfer, you’re leaving me. If he leaves Hope, he’s leaving me. Trust me—long distance is not the same. Wherever Williams is next fall, it won’t be in Ritche Hall, and that’s leaving. You’re leaving too. You’re both leaving me.”
“I’m not leaving you.” Kelly took a step closer and reached for Walter’s hand—when he tried to pull away, Kelly caught him and held him fast. “Listen to me, Walter Lucas—I’m not leaving you. I’m not transferring unless you come with me. I’m staying if you’re staying. We need to talk about this, a lot of talking, but the bottom line is that I’m going where you’re going.”
Walter faltered, but only for a moment. Then he stiffened and tried to pull away again. “You can’t do that. I’m not stupid. Hope is expensive. If you don’t have the money—”
“I have the money. Barely, but I have it. I won’t lie to you—if we stay here, I have to transfer to the University of Minnesota or somewhere a lot cheaper the second you graduate. I’ll have to work all summer and every break and probably get work study. I’m doing it, though, if that’s what you want.”
“You can’t stay for me. You can’t give up everything for me.”
“You were set to stay on my account when you thought I wanted to stay. You came here for Cara. You stayed in Chicago for your mom. You gave up this whole semester for Williams, for the department.” Kelly reached up and touched Walter’s cheek. “Don’t you think it’s time someone gave up everything for you?”
Walter shut his eyes and tried to duck away, but Kelly caught him, drew him closer, held him tight. He held him until Walter’s body eased into his, until his arms gave in and closed around Kelly, until he rested his face in the crook of Kelly’s neck.
“I don’t know what to do,” Walter whispered. His voice was broken and thick, and Kelly felt warm tears against his skin. “I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough.”
“You did enough. You were amazing. You still are amazing.” Kelly nuzzled Walter’s ear and held him tight. “We’ll work it out. It’s okay. I promise. We’ll figure out what to do together. Because I’m not going anywhere, Walter. I will not leave you. I will never, ever leave you.”
Walter’s body began to shake, slowly at first, then steadily as he gave in, sank against Kelly and wept.
Kelly held him, rocking back and forth beneath the campanile, watching the swans swim quietly on.