When we enter the house, he takes my hand and leads me down the hallway. Without hesitating as we pass the room I stayed in last night, I’m led through the door at the end. There are no curtains or blinds, but the house is in a private location, so there isn’t any need. I imagine the view across the surrounding fields will be breathtaking in the daylight. My attention is drawn to the king-size bed, and I wonder if I should continue to stand where I am or move toward it. All thoughts are halted when Josh moves behind me and places his hands on my waist.
“Tell me what you want, Emerson,” Josh says, his lips grazing against my shoulder.
“I want you,” I reply. “I want you so damn much.”
“Can I have you?” he asks, so softly I can barely hear him.
It doesn’t matter, though. I don’t need to hear the words to understand his plea. I can’t push him away despite knowing I may not be emotionally prepared to face the consequences of my actions.
He spins me around and pushes me the few steps until the backs of my legs hit the bed. When his lips connect with the sensitive skin of my neck and down my collarbone, I cry out, “Yes.”
I feel his whole body tense then relax in a split second before he crashes his lips to mine. The kiss is hungry, urgent, and loaded with sexual frustration. Without breaking our kiss, Josh’s hands find the hem of my dress, and my breath hitches when his fingers tickle my bare skin as he pulls it up and over my head. I am on fire for him, and he groans when I grind myself against his erection.
He stops kissing me, but his lips are still touching mine when he says, “You are so beautiful, Emerson.”
I don’t want him to talk. I want him to make me forget, so I kiss him harder this time, pulling him closer as I lie back on the bed, forcing him on top of me. Fortunately, he gets the hint, putting his hand behind his neck and tugging his T-shirt over his head. My greedy hands roam over his now-shirtless torso, marvelling at the toned muscles I long suspected were hidden beneath his clothes. He has an understated strength I am wildly attracted to, and I allow my mind to go exactly where I don’t want it to go for a split second, and I compare him to Mereki. They are so physically similar and they both feel like home to me. It’s equally devastating and wondrous.
With my eyes closed, I could be in the arms of the only man I’ve ever slept with. I revel in it, pulling Josh closer with my hands, my lips, my legs as they open for him and wrap around his butt. I’m trapping him in my web and making no apologies for my insensitivity.
With my lips ravaging his, I push my hands between us and unbuckle his jeans, pushing them and his boxers down to his knees, then kicking them all the way off with my feet. I’m possessed with need and behaving like a starved, wild animal. This virile, talented, and kind man has no idea he’s the lame zebra, caught in the wilds of my messed-up life, and he’s about to become my prey.
Josh makes quick work of my bra and underwear, and in a frenzy of hands and flying clothes, we are finally naked and I can feel his need pressing firmly against my stomach.
“Do you have condoms?” I ask, my voice whispered, but my tone laced in desperation.
Josh nods and reaches to his nightstand, opening the drawer to retrieve the square packet. I’m out of character; this is the most reckless thing I’ve done in my life. I take it from him like the vixen I never knew I could be—like it isn’t my first time handling a condom. The last time Ki and I had sex was so long ago, I wonder if there will be cobwebs down there. Ki always used to take care of everything. Not anymore though, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let Josh take charge now. This is my decision, my reckless one-night stand, and I need to be someone else. I need to be the lioness for a change.
Feeling a surge of power, I push Josh onto his back. His chuckle dies when I glide down his naked body and take him in my mouth. With the death of his laughter comes the birth of primal groaning. I am drunk with power that I’m the one eliciting this reaction from a man. His obvious pleasure gives me reassurance that he’s gaining something from this sordid interlude. I’m taking what I want, but I’m also giving him something in return. I just hope it’s enough.
When he grows impossibly harder in my mouth, Josh grabs me under the arms, and I’m pulled back up his body.
“I need to be inside you,” he says, his eyes dark with lust.
Nodding, I grab the condom from the pillow where I’d left it, rip the packet open with my teeth and roll it down over him with surprising ease. I glance up at Josh and smile. His eyes are closed, and his breaths are ragged. I’m confident he’s close to the edge of the cliff, and I can’t wait to push him off.
Without hesitation, I straddle him, raising myself higher on my knees to line him up with where I desperately need him to be. Josh’s eyes fly open when I sink down just a little, allowing his tip to enter me. Neither of us breathe as I sink, inch by delicious inch. I stop halfway, allowing myself to adjust to his size before my inner voice growls again, and I slam down the rest of the way.
Josh bolts up into a seated position. “Fuck, Emerson! Emerson! Oh my God, Emerson!” He chants my name in a plea that I never stop and a prayer that he hopes I’ll answer.
His arms wrap around my waist holding me to him, and his mouth devours my right breast, sucking and nipping like he knows exactly what will drive me insane and wild with lust. When I start to move, he rewards my other breast with equal fervour. Stars form behind my closed eyes, and the pleasure is becoming unbearable.
We fly higher and higher. The stars I was seeing minutes earlier are now a full galaxy of blinding lights. My body is riding him harder and harder, and he’s meeting me blow for blow, working me up with every kiss, every suck and every touch, higher and higher.
I’m convinced I’m going to explode, liquefying into a sea of pleasure. Can you die from this? Is this normal?
“I’m gonna come,” Josh says on a low groan. “Come with me, baby.”
I can’t respond with words. I don’t even think I can speak anymore. I don’t push him off the cliff. I’m just one big ball of sensation and, with one final grind of my hips and one more thrust of his, I hold his hand and leap off into the darkness.
Eventually, the aftershocks subside and we hold each other, unwilling to pull apart after such a powerful experience. I climb off and lie down next to him. My breathing is still uneven, so I close my eyes and focus on drawing in oxygen. I hear him moving about, and the bed raises as he gets up. Moments later, he returns to the bed and climbs in, lying next to me. Opening my eyes, I turn on my side to face him, desperately hoping this isn’t going to be awkward.
“That was . . .” He stops, and I wonder if he’s having trouble verbalising just how incredible it was.
“I know.” Whatever it is he’s thinking, we’re on the same page.
“I’ve never . . .” Again, he can’t finish his sentence.
“Me neither.”
“You were . . .”
“You were, too.” I say, smiling, a little incredulous that this is so comfortable and perfectly intimate.
I glance over at the clock—an exact replica of the one in the room I slept in. “What’s with the time painter?”
Josh chuckles. “It’s an app. Luca sucks me into all these crazy things. The developer made the video of the old woman painting, then it’s run to keep perfect time. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted watching her.”
“I can imagine.”
We’re both lying on his bed facing each other, grinning like idiots. What do I do now, though? I really want to take a shower, but do I go back to the spare room and stay there or do I use his en-suite then assume I’m sharing his bed? Oh my God.
“Your eyes are so expressive,” Josh says, interrupting my internal chaos. “I could see the moment you stopped just relaxing and enjoying the aftermath and started fretting about something.” He raises an eyebrow and pushes the hair that’s fallen across my face behind my ear. “I’m guessing you’re wondering if you should stay in here with me tonight or go back to the spare room.” He narrows his eyes, obviously thinking he’s super smart.
“Actually,” I say, “I was also wondering which shower I should use.” I seem to be an open book to this man and am quietly pleased he cares so much to read me.
“Use my shower.” He kisses my lips briefly. “Then stay with me here.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, rolling my eyes at my own stupid question. Of course he’s sure. Why wouldn’t he be? We just had the most incredible sex, and he’s probably warming up for round two in the shower, then maybe he’s into morning sex. He probably thinks this is the start of something between us, and I’ve given him no reason to think otherwise.
After proving there was more than enough room for two in his shower, Josh falls into a deep sleep seconds after saying goodnight, completely sated. I, on the other hand, am wide awake, alone with my guilt and tormented thoughts.
The day was too perfect.
Josh was too perfect.
I am a monster.
Unable to sleep with my demons ravaging my mind, I eventually give up. Trying to switch off, I’ve watched my little old lady friend in the clock paint hours’ worth of minutes. She has just completed one fifteen, and I feel no closer to sleep than I did when Josh nodded off. I decide to get up and walk around a bit. Maybe I’ll go outside and try to quiet my mind.
After pulling my clothes back on, I tiptoe through the silent house. When I step outside, Leroy comes out of his kennel to join me, and I’m actually grateful for his company.
Despite the late hour, the full moon gives me decent visibility. The lake is eerily beautiful in the soft light. An owl hoots, breaking the silence that I find so incredibly peaceful. The serenity reminds me of the time spent by the river with Mereki back in our home town.
I walk down the path to the water’s edge. Mist rises from the lake, and I’m struck by the idea that this could be a scene from a murder thriller movie.
When I stop and stare out across the still water, every single emotion I’ve managed to push away for the past twenty-four hours comes flying to the surface. I’m overcome with the need to cry, and before I know it, I’m sinking to my knees and sobbing uncontrollably.
I have no idea how long I cry for, but when I have no tears left, I push myself back to standing and wipe my face with the sleeves of my shirt. I feel Josh’s presence before he reaches me, but I don’t turn to acknowledge him. I don’t want him to see my puffy, tear-streaked face.
“What are you doing out here?” Josh asks, closing the distance so he’s right in front of me. “I woke up and you were gone.”
I drag my gaze away from the tranquillity of the lake and into the hurricane raging in his eyes. Instead of looking away, I fall into the eye of the storm. “I couldn’t sleep.”
He cocks his head. “Want to tell me why you were crying?” The look of hurt across his face is painful to see.
I drop my gaze to my feet and push back the memories taunting me from the sidelines of my mind. I sway on my feet, feeling lightheaded. I count in my head to regain my equilibrium. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six . . .
“Are you okay?” Josh asks, reaching for my arm. His eyes are wide with what looks like panic. “You’re scaring me, Emerson.”
I snap at him, ripping my arm away. “I just need you to leave me alone.”
“Don’t you dare say you regret what happened between us,” he says in a surprisingly gentle tone. “I won’t believe you, so I need to know what’s going on and try to help you if I can.”
“And what if I don’t want to be helped?” Tears prick my eyes again, but I hold his gaze. “I don’t regret what happened between us, but it can’t happen again.”
“Your eyes tell me a different story.” His voice is calm and even.
I turn away. “My story is camouflaged, and you’re only seeing what you want to see.”
“Jesus, Emerson. I really don’t get you at all sometimes. One moment you’re taking control in the bedroom and the next you’re shutting down. I’m worried if I say or do the wrong thing, you’ll break into a million pieces, and I won’t know how to put you back together.”
Frustrated, I find myself shouting at him. “You’re just someone who plays around with paint telling vulnerable sad sacks that ‘expressing yourself through art,’” I say that with air quotes to drive my insult home, “will help heal them.” I poke my finger hard into his chest. I know I’m lashing out, but I can’t help myself. “And you know what?”
Josh takes a step back and crosses his arms over his chest. “What?”
“You’re not a shrink, and it’s all a load of bullshit.”
He shouts and I jump. “Then tell me why you showed up to three classes if it was such a waste of your precious time!”
Without considering my words, I let them spill out. “Because I was lost and so fucking lonely.” Tears slip down my cheeks. I hadn’t even realised the truth in my words until I heard them said in my own voice.
Silence settles between us, and neither of us breaks eye contact. There is power, adrenaline, relief, and sadness passing back and forth between us. I can hear my heavy breaths thundering in my ears, and I know my chest is rising and falling as oxygen calms me.
Eventually Josh breaks the silence. “It’s okay, Emerson.” He closes the distance between us and wraps his arms around me. “I’m here.”
The tears spill free as I rest my cheek against his hard chest, cocooned in his strong embrace. I’m embarrassed by my admission, but it felt cathartic. I trust Josh, and trust is not something I thought I’d ever feel with someone other than Mereki. Perhaps we found each other for a reason, and this man is allowed to be important to me. Deep down, I know I’m not a terrible person. The time I’ve spent with Josh has been like therapy, and it was horribly wrong of me to say otherwise. However, I know that if I care for him at all, I’ll leave him alone. I need to work out my own life and complications before I drag him down any further.
“I can’t come to your classes anymore,” I say, pulling back from his now-soaked shirt. “I’m sorry for what I said before. I think what you’re doing with your art is a beautiful thing. It’s just . . .”
“That’s crazy,” Josh says. “You’re unblocking your mind and your creativity. You can’t stop now.” He cups my chin with his right and tips my face up to meet his gaze. “And anyway, I’d miss you.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, giving him a small smile as he swipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. “But no promises.”
“At some stage, you need to tell me why you were crying out here all alone in the middle of the night, because I know it didn’t have anything to do with what happened earlier.” He gives me a small smile, and my heart aches in acknowledgement that it was the best sex of my life. How can that even be true? “I care about you, and I think you need to tell someone what is going on in that head of yours.”
I take a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “It was years ago, and I’ve not spoken about it since.”
“Maybe you haven’t surrounded yourself with the right people then if they can’t see there’s a part of you that’s broken and tried to help you heal.”
He has no idea why his words are so crushing because I’ve hidden the most important part of me from him. I’ve hidden Mereki—my love, my life, my heart.
I shiver, and Josh places his arm around my shoulders. “Come on. Let’s get you back inside.”
Reluctantly, I allow him to walk me back to the house and back to his bed. I allow him to spoon me, and I allow myself the reprieve of feeling safe and wanted. After our brief talk by the lake, I feel a small amount of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Closing my eyes and clasping Josh’s hand in mine, I drift off to sleep. For the first time in five years, I don’t suffer through my recurring nightmare where I replay what happened that horrible night. In fact, I don’t think I dream at all.