The jar of pebbles in my cupboard is now full. I must decide whether to find a new jar or put into action what I have been subconsciously planning for months now. Finding the pebble outside Sarah Holland’s house after meeting Josh set the wheels in motion. It brought back some really fond memories for me, and I hope it holds the key to working through my flailing relationship with Ki.
The drawing I receive from Josh this morning spurs me on, and the idea that’s gaining strength makes my heart beat a little faster. The drawing, by contrast to most I’ve received from him, is abstract. He has captured a sense of movement in the flowing lines. It makes me think of the river back home where Ki and I spent so much time together, and it feels like a sign.
As usual, Ki doesn’t come home until after I’ve gone to sleep on Friday night and is already up when I wake. Knowing he’ll be in the lounge room, I throw on jeans and a short-sleeved, pale yellow shirt—something I haven’t worn in a long time. Yellow is a happy colour, and I’m embracing the new season.
“There’s someplace I’d like to take you,” I say when I enter the lounge and find him sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead at the blank TV screen. His eyes drift from the TV to me, eyebrows quizzically arching, but he drags his butt off the couch, and we leave the apartment together. He has never been able to say no to me, even when he’s angry, and I try not to take advantage of it too often.
Ki just stares out the window, so we drive in silence. I spend the time thinking about those early days of our friendship by the river. Back then, the world seemed so full of hope and opportunity. Those were the happiest days of my life.
Perhaps if I’d talked more freely about those days instead of shutting down when our world fell apart, things could be different now. I was meant to be pursuing my dreams when I came to the city, not letting them die.
I’m not sure exactly where I’m going, but I know a river runs through a suburb not far from where we live. Given that we both grew up spending so much time by the water, it’s sad how we’ve avoided it.
I park on a quiet street at the end of a cul-de-sac. Clutching the pebble jar to my chest, I get out and wait for Ki to join me. He glances at the jar and frowns.
“Trust me,” I say, setting off towards the pathway. “This is going to be perfect.”
Unable to restrain my excitement, I break into a jog, leaving Ki behind. Just as I hoped, the path leads to a beautiful park along the riverbank, and I almost cry with joy remembering the day I found our place all those years ago.
I wait for Ki to catch up, and we make our way to a more secluded section of the park further along the river. It doesn’t take long before I’m presented with the perfect place. I climb over a large log with ease, even holding the pebble jar. We’ve had quite a bit of rain lately, so the river is high and the current is fast. Memories continue to flood my mind as I make my way towards the water and wait for Ki to catch up. I drop to my knees and upend the jar, scattering pebbles onto the ground. When the pebble that started this collection catches my eye, I stoop and pick it up, reverently smoothing my thumb across its cold, marble-like surface. This is a fantastic idea.
Wondering what’s taking Mereki so long, I stand and jog back the way I’d come.
Then I see him—standing stock still on the other side of the log. His hands are in his pockets, and his shoulders are slumped.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, more pissed off than anything. “We can start fresh, Ki. Our story isn’t over.” My voice is shaky. “It can’t be over. We can start a new story.”
He shakes his head, and suppressed rage rumbles in my gut. I’ve been holding on to so much pain and anguish for far too long.
“Why won’t you do this for me?” It comes out as a growl, and I’m surprised by the sound of my own voice. “You told me if I ever feel lost and lonely again, I should remember that I’m made of the strong stuff.” I hold up the smooth pebble. “And I have a road map back to the light.” I throw my hands up in the air. “I’m trying to make another goddamned road map, you bastard, and I never thought I’d need to because you’re still with me, and you’ve always been my light.”
His deafening silence is beyond irritating. Without thinking, I throw the pebble right in his face. He deftly swerves his head, and my perfect pebble disappears behind him without making contact. I don’t know why he’s being so stubborn. He must know that I need this.
When he turns and walks away, I’m left to deal with my own messed-up emotions.
“I hate you, Mereki,” I scream out the lie, and he continues to walk as if I hadn’t spoken.
Scrambling over the log, I drop to my hands and knees, desperately clawing through the dirt and grass looking for the stupid, perfect pebble. When my fingers make contact with it, another wave of fresh tears erupts. I bury my face in my hands and sit back on my heels.
I am all alone on a deserted riverbank in some stupid suburb, sobbing like a baby. I may be clutching a pebble, but I’ve hit rock bottom.
Is this not enough for him? Am I not enough?
Eventually, I drag myself to my feet, broken and desperately disappointed that the excited feeling I arrived with is shattered. As I walk back to the car, carrying my empty pebble jar, I try to work out whether or not I want to scream at him again and relieve more of my pent-up rage. The stricken look on his face makes my decision for me.
“I’m so sorry,” I say when I take my place in the driver’s seat. “I don’t know what came over me.” I pause, reliving the horrible, cruel words I said to the love of my life. “You know I didn’t mean it. You know I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. Right?”
The air in the car is thick with hurt, unsaid truths, and almost an entire lifetime of desperate love. No combination of words is enough, so we sit in silence, brooding in misery and confusion.
Eventually, I pull myself together, and we drive back to our apartment building in silence. As soon as I pull into the designated spot, Ki disappears out the door.
I rest my head on the steering wheel. What is happening to us?
Running from this is pointless, but so is standing still hoping something is going to change. I can’t keep torturing myself, wondering why Mereki is breaking his promise to stay no matter what. I can’t go inside yet. I’ll either say more things I’ll regret or suffer further from his crushing silence, so instead, I drive around until I feel ready to go home.