Waking up in Josh’s arms, I mentally dust off the cobwebs of my sleepy brain to assess my feelings. I should be devastated, or at least more ashamed and guilty than I am. I can’t let this go any further, but for now, I snuggle closer, revel in his warmth and go back to sleep.
He shifts behind me sometime later and begins feathering kisses across the back of my neck, pushing the shirt he gave me to wear off my shoulder. I turn over to face him, pulling the shirt back up. “Morning.”
“How did you sleep, beautiful?” He leans forward to kiss me, but I pull back, putting my hand over my mouth.
“Morning breath,” I say. It’s not a deflection technique because it’s a completely legitimate concern.
He pulls my hand away and kisses me quickly before I have a chance to stop him. “I care about kissing you far more than morning breath.”
“Josh,” I say, pushing my palm into his bare chest, eliciting a laugh from him. “You’re so weird.”
I shuffle out of bed and use his bathroom. When I return, Josh is sitting up in bed.
I can’t get back in that bed with him. My traitorous body wants another round of mind-blowing sex, but I’ve made up my mind not to let him be dragged down any further with me. I need to get back to the city and keep my distance while I work out what’s going on with Ki. “I’m going to go find my jeans,” I say, grabbing my dress and underwear from the floor and shuffle out of the room before he has a chance to make me change my mind.
When I’m showered and dressed, I find him in the kitchen making coffee. He’s wearing a pair of baggy shorts that sit low on his hips. He’s shirtless, and my mouth waters at the glorious sight. I curse my damned existence where walking up to him and slipping my arms around his waist, knowing it would be welcomed, is cruel and dragging out the inevitable.
Despite me not making a sound, Josh turns to face me and smiles. He has a smile that penetrates the wall around my heart, but Mereki is the foundation for that wall and Josh is calling its integrity into question.
“Feeling better?” he asks, turning back to finish making the coffee.
“I am. Thank you.” I take a seat at the island bench and rest my chin in my hands, resting my elbows on the counter top. “I think I should get going soon.”
Josh’s shoulders slump slightly, and he shakes his head. When he turns, he’s holding two steaming mugs, and his expression is serious. “What’s the hurry? Nothing is open today, and you don’t have to work.” He places the coffee down in front of me and remains on the other side of the bench.
“This has been great,” I reply, looking at my coffee rather than him. “I just-”
“I thought we were getting somewhere, especially after last night.” There is a note of anger or maybe just frustration in his voice, and I can’t blame him.
Do I tell him the truth now? Do I tell him my heart has always belonged to someone else? Do I tell him I am damaged beyond repair? Do I owe him an explanation at all? All these questions whirl around in my mind as I stare at the steam rising from my mug.
“Can you look at me, please?” he asks.
I drag my eyes up to his. Instead of feeling guilt and shame, I feel angry at him for even temporarily breaking down my carefully constructed wall of ice. In some small, rational part of my brain, I acknowledge he is innocent in his pursuit, but rationale doesn’t always play a role in matters of the heart. Why did he have to be so goddamned irresistible to my fragile, attention-starved body and mind? Then I realise I’m not actually angry at Josh. I’m angry at Mereki for so many things, but mostly, I’m angry at him for leaving me. Seething, boiling, enraged, out-of-my-mind angry.
I drink my coffee quickly, scalding the roof of my mouth and burning my tongue. I want the caffeine injection, then I need to get the hell out of here, away from Josh and any further temptation. When my cup is empty and my mind is made up, I push back from the bench and stand. “I need to go.”
“What?” Josh asks, throwing his hands in the air. “What the fuck is going on?”
“I . . . I . . .” I can’t get the words out as I stumble backwards, causing the stool to scrape across the floor.
Josh storms around the bench and grabs my elbow. I pull away, but his grasp is firm. Until now, he’s been nothing but kind, gentle, and considerate, but I’ve obviously pushed him over the edge I didn’t even know was there. His eyes are narrowed, and the veins in his neck throb. He is intimidating, and fear pulses through me as the night I was attacked comes rushing to the forefront of my mind. I was held down by a man physically dominant over me while life as I knew it slipped away.
“Please let go of me,” I say, pleading with him to acknowledge my fear.
He drops my arm as if I’m on fire. “I’m sorry.” He takes a step back and swallows hard. “Please don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” I ask, holding on by a thread.
“Like you think I’m going to hurt you.”
“I don’t think you’re going to hurt me.” I pause to take a deep breath. “But I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” I wrap my arms around myself protectively.
“I don’t know what that means. Last night meant something to me, Emerson, and I don’t know what has changed since then.” He runs one of his hands through his hair, then scrubs his face. He is frustrated, and he has every right to be.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Josh.” My anger has subsided, replaced with the need to end this with as little damage as possible. “I shouldn’t have come out here, and I certainly shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did. I should’ve called roadside assistance to sort out my car.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Because for the first time in a long time, I wanted someone to know me as more than just the cupcake girl or whatever other title I take on for a few months at a time.”
“I thought we went through this last night by the lake. We found each other. Was that not a breakthrough that led to a connection the likes of which I didn’t know existed? Was I the only one who thought that?”
I shake my head. “I was there, too, but . . .” I have to tell him, but I don’t want to suffer the consequences. As selfish as it is, I don’t want to lose him from my life.
“Go on.”
I swallow hard, knowing I must deliver the killer blow. I should just come out and say I can’t be with him because my heart and soul belong to someone else and that I’m so sorry for everything, but the words won’t come. Tears slip down my cheeks. I don’t even try to stop them or wipe them away. I want Josh to see how sorry I am for letting him feel something for me. I look up at him through wet lashes. “You deserve so much more than this.”
“I don’t even know what that means. I want you, Emerson. I want all of you, and I thought we were building something real.” He reaches for me, but I take a step back. “Don’t run away from this. Stay and talk to me.”
Is this what I want? Is Josh who I want? The way my heart feels like it’s being torn is both devastating and liberating. Mereki has pulled away from me for years, and I’ve fought it tooth and nail. It feels good to have someone want me for a change. Someone is fighting for me to stay, and it feels . . . it feels so good.
We continue to stare at each other until eventually, I can’t take it anymore. With furrowed brows, limp limbs, and an ache in my chest I didn’t even know was possible, I take what might possibly be my first honest step towards this beautiful man and hope desperately he will try to understand what I still need to tell him.
Josh wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “Thank you.”
“Your driveway is a nightmare,” a man’s friendly voice calls out from somewhere.
Spinning in Josh’s arms, I come face-to-face with a man who so strongly resembles Josh, it simply must be one of his brothers.
“Luca,” Josh says, holding me tightly against him. “What are you doing here?”
“Sorry for crashing in on you.” Luca winks at me before turning to Josh. “I’m on my way back from Tom’s bachelor weekend. I told you I’d stop in.”
“Sorry, mate. I completely forgot.”
Luca looks at me then back at Josh, raising his eyebrows, obviously waiting for an introduction.
“Sorry.” Josh releases me, and I step forward. “Luca, this is Emerson.”
“Ah. Emerson.” He holds out his hand and I shake it, trying to hide the emotion I am feeling. “It’s great to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
My gaze snaps to Josh, then back to Luca. “You have?”
I can’t deny the butterflies fluttering in my belly or the wide grin on my face that is impossible to rein in.
“Josh here told us about you at a family lunch last weekend.”
“Shut up, Luca,” Josh demands, but there’s laughter in his voice. “Emerson doesn’t want to hear about that.”
“Don’t be silly,” Luca says, putting his arm around me. “I want to get to know the first girl my little brother has ever voluntarily told his whole family about.”
He ushers me to the lounge room and essentially forces me to sit down. I should be wishing Josh and I were still alone so I could have the hard conversation with him, but I am grateful for Luca’s upbeat personality and welcome the distraction.
“How was the party?” Josh asks, probably trying to change the subject.
“Another one bites the dust. It was fun, but I couldn’t help feeling like it was death row for him.”
“You like who he’s marrying?”
Luca faces me. “I work with Tom. He’s a bit on the crazy side but a decent guy. Never met the bride-to-be, but she sounds like a looney tune to me.” He rolls his eyes. “She called him about a hundred times over the weekend. Full clingy-psycho behaviour if you ask me.”
“Did Tom mind?” Josh asks, chuckling.
Luca shrugs. “I think he’s scared of her to be honest.”
“Oh hey. Do you want something to eat?” Josh asks. “Bit of grease for the morning after?”
“Bring it on, mate.” Luca rubs his stomach.
Josh disappears into the kitchen, leaving Luca and me alone.
“You and Joshy, huh?” Luca asks, smiling warmly.
“I can’t believe he told you about me.”
“He showed up to our family lunch last Saturday with a big bunch of flowers for Mum and a bigger smile.” He taps the side of his head. “We all knew something was up.”
I swallow hard, unsure if I want him to keep going, but I remain silent.
“It’s a family tradition our father started,” Luca continues. “That before we start a meal as a family, we each say the best thing that’s happened to us since the last time we were all together.”
I raise my eyebrows, knowing what he’s going to say before he says it.
“He said you. He said Emerson Hart was the best thing to happen to him.”
My heart clenches with the agony of knowing I could really hurt Josh if I’m unable to explain everything to him and make him understand.
Needing a moment to compose myself, I say, “Sorry, Luca. I just have to use the bathroom and pack up my things.”
“No prob. I’ll go annoy Josh in the kitchen then.”
I leap up and scurry off to the spare bedroom to gather my purchases from the markets and use the bathroom, determined to pull myself together.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror and smile. It isn’t a big smile, and it barely reaches my eyes, but for someone who hasn’t been able to properly look at her own reflection for five years, it feels monumental. I had thought Mereki was my forever person, but life doesn’t always work out the way you think it will. Sometimes life throws you curve balls, and sometimes, like in my case, a giant crater opens up in front of you and gives you a swift shove in the back so you plummet into its depths. I’ve spent enough time wallowing in the dark, and I’m now ready to clamber up the steep slope back to the light. Josh has made me see another path for my life, and I’m ready to travel it.
When I return down the hallway, I stop short when I hear Luca and Josh talking in the kitchen.
“She came here with my other art students on Saturday, and she had car trouble, so ended up staying two nights,” I hear Josh say.
“Wow. So, she’s artsy. Tick. And she obviously wanted to stay out here with you because she conveniently had car trouble,” he says. He thinks I made that up! “And she’s definitely a looker. I’m really happy for you, Joshy.”
“I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I’m in love with her.”
I slap my palm over my mouth to stifle my gasp. There is silence between them for a few moments, and I’m envisaging Luca’s face scrunched up as if he’s simultaneously tasted and smelled something repugnant.
“I know,” Josh says, responding to whatever Luca’s expression conveyed. “It sounds too soon, but I feel like I’ve known her for much longer than I have, and there’s just something really special about her.”
“Ugh. I knew this would happen with you,” Luca says. “As soon as you found her, you’d fall hook, line, and sinker.”
“I didn’t even know who I was looking for until she turned up on Mum’s doorstep. I feel like I’ve known her for a whole lot longer than that.”
I clear my throat before venturing back into the kitchen.
Both Josh and Luca snap their gazes to me.
“How long were you standing there?” Josh asks, guilt and possibly fear on his face.
“Not long.” Long enough.
“Josh was just singing your praises. He says you’re an amazing artist.”
I smile, meeting Josh’s gaze. “Thank you.”
“Well, I’m going to hit the road,” Luca says, picking up the egg and bacon roll Josh has made for him. “I’ve got a conference call this evening, and I have some prep to do.”
“I’ll catch up with you this week sometime,” Josh says, patting him on the back.
“It was lovely to meet you,” I say.
“You too, Emerson.” He kisses my cheek. “Maybe I’ll see you at the next family lunch.”
“Sure,” I say, awkwardly.
Luca laughs. “No pressure. We’re a laidback bunch of idiots.”
“Nice,” Josh says, shaking his head.
We all walk outside together, then Luca climbs into his silver Ferrari and disappears down the driveway in a cloud of dust.
“I like your brother,” I say when the dust settles, and we turn back to the house.
“He’s alright,” Josh replies, touching his hand to the small of my back.
When he closes the door behind us, he is on me in a flash, kissing me hard and ripping my shirt over my head. “I want you,” he says between kisses. “I need you right now.”
Unable to think straight, I nod. With a groan, he pushes my jeans and underwear down my legs, then deftly unhooks my bra, letting it join my clothes on the floor. He crushes his body to mine and my back hits the door. I can feel his hard erection grinding against me, and it’s driving me wild with lust.
“Are you on birth control?” he asks, his lips almost touching mine.
I nod again. “I’m on the pill.”
“Do you mind if we don’t use a condom?” he asks, his breathing ragged. “My last girlfriend cheated on me, so I got myself tested after we broke up. I’m clean.”
I’m not cheating, I tell myself. Mereki and I have been over for a while now, and I plan to let him go. I’m confident that’s what he wants anyway. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen that before now. My heart will never be the same, but right now, this feels so right, and I need something to feel right for a change.
I push his shorts down to his ankles, and he kicks them off his feet. He isn’t wearing any underwear, so we are now both completely naked, staring into each other’s lust-filled eyes. “Take me, Josh,” I say, holding his face in my hands and pulling his mouth to mine.
He picks me up and my back hits the door. With my legs wrapped around his waist, he thrusts into me in one fluid motion. I tip my head back and welcome the intense sensations that dull every thought other than how good he feels filling me up completely. Josh is the missing puzzle piece I found when I wasn’t looking.
We both climax quickly, releasing the built-up tension of the earlier conversation and the intense weekend. I stay wrapped around him while he carries me back to his bedroom. I don’t want to let him go yet, and it certainly doesn’t feel like he wants to let me go. When we’ve cleaned up in the bathroom, we lie on his bed, still naked, facing each other.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” I say, taking a deep breath.
“You can tell me anything,” he whispers, running his hand along my arm and the dip of my waist, then placing his whole hand over my backside.
We’re so close, and his warm breath tickles my face. I could get lost in him far too easily; I must find a way to speak to him openly.
“I think I can explain why you feel like you’ve known me for a lot longer than just this year.”
He nods. “I can’t explain it, but I felt a strong connection to you from that first moment. It was as if I already knew you, as crazy as that sounds.”
I close my eyes briefly. “In a way, you did.”
“What do you mean?” He props himself up on his elbow.
“Madeleine gave you a drawing five years ago.”
His eyes widen, and his bottom lip drops. “What about it?”
I break eye contact and focus on the very interesting pattern the light makes on the ceiling.
“What about it, Emerson?” Josh’s voice sounds strained, and I meet his gaze again.
“I met Madeleine five years ago when I was selling my art for the first time at a market stall back in my hometown.”
Josh bolts up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and pushing his palms against his knees. “It’s your drawing,” he says, nodding.
I crawl across the bed and kneel behind him, running my hands tentatively over his back and shoulders before hugging him from behind. I want him to be okay with this. I whisper in his ear, “I left a big piece of me on that paper, and you’ve been holding it ever since.”
His shoulders sag, but his hands grip mine against his chest. “I think I already knew that.”
“I think you did, too.” I kiss his shoulder, pressing my breasts into the taut muscles of his back. “I think you saw me in that drawing, and you’ve been waiting for me ever since.”
“What took you so long?” he whispers, picking up my right hand and placing his lips to my palm. “Five years.” He kisses my palm, then pulls me around and onto his lap. “I’ve waited for five long years without even knowing it.”
“I have so much to explain.” I look into his eyes, and what I see now has changed. There is a whole new level of emotion swirling around, and I am falling.
“That drawing changed my life,” he says, and I wonder if it’s painful memories etching lines into his forehead. “It helped me through a really dark time, and it started a chain of events that brought you to me.”
“Where is it?” I ask in a confident voice, surprising myself with how calm I feel.
“At Mum’s place.”
“You gave it to her?”
“I saw light overcoming darkness in your drawing. It helped me, and I wanted it to help her, too. She plunged into darkness when Dad died, and I was convinced she was going to die from a broken heart.”
“Did it help her?” I ask, shocked by the idea of my own personal journey helping others.
He nods, nuzzling into my neck. “My brothers and I have our mum.”
“She’s still grieving though,” I say, thinking back to her vacant stares and red-rimmed eyes as she spoke of her lost love.
Josh pulls back and looks me in the eye. “And she’ll grieve forever, but it doesn’t consume her whole existence anymore.” His smile is sad, but his eyes are light. “I like to think you showed her a way back.”
Something Mereki once said to me springs into my head, and I’m choked with emotion.
You’re my shining light whenever the world is dark. Never let your light die because it’s going to brighten more than just my world.
“I have so much more to tell you, Josh.” I now know my own world is shifting and that Mereki was never my compass. I need to move out from the shadows and shine again in my own right.
Josh’s right arm slips under my legs and scoops me up and onto the bed where I find myself lying on my back before him. Pushing my legs apart, he kneels between them.
“Can it wait?” he asks, his eyes hooded and blazing with love. He grips my ankles and pushes back so my knees are bent and I’m completely open to him. I don’t feel vulnerable or embarrassed. I feel ready to let him bask in my body again.
“It can wait,” I say, groaning as he kisses me from my knees, down my thighs to the most sensitive part of me.
“Oh my God, Josh,” I say, panting out his name as he takes me in his mouth, licking and sucking me with expert precision. My hips buck, and my head snaps back into the covers when his tongue flicks the bundle of nerves, shooting fireworks throughout my writhing body. I am open and completely vulnerable, but I feel safe and cared for. He is focused solely on my pleasure, and I’m taking everything he has to give me.
While the waves continue to crash, and I’m awash with ecstasy the likes of which I’ve never known before, Josh moves up my body and enters me. My eyes snap open as the new sensations take over. I am filled with him, crushed by him in the best possible way, and I wrap my legs around him, forcing him deeper, harder, faster.
“Look at me,” he says, propped up on his elbows on either side of my head. He uses both his hands to push my hair back from my face, then he leaves them there, cupping my cheeks. “Feel me deep inside you.”
I stare into his clear, green eyes and smile. “I feel all of you.”
He thrusts again, and I raise my hips to meet him. “You are so beautiful, Emerson.”
I accept the compliment with a languid smile, drugged with pleasure, but managing to somehow maintain eye contact. I run my hands down his back and over his tight backside. His physique is breathtaking, but the way he’s consuming my entire being at this moment is more than just physical. I’ve missed being this close to a man, skin to skin. We’re no longer driven entirely by lust, and I feel connected to him in every way possible.
“This has been an incredible weekend, Josh,” I say when we’re facing each other, revelling in our post-coital bliss. “Thank you.”
He kisses me lightly on the lips. “I should be thanking you for running out of petrol.”
I cringe. I hate feeling like a damsel in distress, but I have to admit, it set off a chain of events that led me into Josh’s arms. “I wonder if this would’ve happened regardless.”
“Of course it would.” He waves a hand between us. “This was inevitable.”
I wonder if what happened days after my eighteenth birthday was inevitable, too.
Before I can get too lost down the vortex, Josh gets up and heads for the door. I roll onto my tummy, propping myself on my elbows and resting my chin in my hands. It gives me the perfect vantage point to admire a very naked Josh walking away. The show is over far too quickly, but he returns less than a minute later holding all our clothes.
“I am one hundred percent on board with you staying naked, just so you know.”
Rolling my eyes then smiling, I flip my legs over the side of the bed and reach for my clothes. “Good try,” I say, chuckling. “I really need to get going now.”
Josh takes my hand as he walks me to my car.
“Will you call me to let me know you got home safe?” he asks, holding me against him as if he might never let me go.
I nod against his chest. It feels like an incredible relief to embrace something real. I’ve spent too many years battling my past.
As I drive away, I wonder how or when I’m ever going to tell Josh the truth.