Chapter 20

 Janelle

I didn’t sleep at all last night.

But it’s not because I was upset. Quite the opposite in fact. I mean, aside from Max waking up every couple of hours, I couldn’t get my mind off of Chris, and even if I did manage to drift off for a quick nap, I was dreaming about him. I just can’t shake him, and I think it’s time to realize that I don’t want to.

Give him a chance, I tell myself as I sit on the back steps watching Max pick up the football I’ve just thrown to him.

He really is his father’s son. He’s way more athletic and capable than the other boys his age. He catches the ball at least two times out of three when I throw it to him and his throws back aren’t wild and uncontrolled. Each time I throw it to him, he catches it, throws it back and I catch it, he giggles in a way that sends my heart soaring every time.

If only Chris were here to see this…

The thought just comes to me as though someone else said it, and I realize just how true it is. Not only would he love to see this, but I’d love to see him see it. It makes me wonder what kind of father he would be. Would he be expressive and outspoken, or reserved and quiet, letting his son figure things out slowly and on his own?

The obvious answer is that he would be stoic and quiet, playing the role of the stalwart father who gives his son tough love. But I don’t believe that. I think Chris would turn into a total softy around Max and melt, just as I do, every time he laughs or smiles or cries.

His word play over and over in my head. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you that I will be there for you – and Max.”

I think about the implications of that statement, and while I love the fact that he said it, I don’t like the thought of making him prove anything to me. Not only does it seem…cruel, it also seems false somehow – not the best way to start a relationship. How will there ever be any trust if Chris is constantly trying to prove something to me and I’m constantly wondering if he’s doing it just to win me over?

No, if this is going to work we both have to be on equal footing, and letting Chris put himself in that position is not the way to go about it.

Max throws the ball back and it hits me right in the chest. I realize I’ve drifted off into space as I think about his father. Max laughs.

“Catch, mommy!” He squeals. I smile back and pick up the ball, holding it like I’m going to hurl it at him.

“So do you!” I tease him. “Are you gonna catch this one!?”

Max nods emphatically. I pull my arm way back like I know what I’m doing.

“Here it comes!”

Of course I don’t throw it as hard as I can. I lob it to him and he catches it with ease.

“Good job!” I say, my voice overflowing with praise.

I wish Chris was here to see this…

“Hey, girl!” I almost jump out of my pants at Carla’s cheery voice behind me. She must have let herself in – as always. I turn around as she drapes an arm over me and sits down beside me.

“Carla, you scared the crap out of me.”

“Hello, Joegeena!” Max says. He still hasn’t quite gotten her name down.

“Hey, big boy! Where’d you get that football?”

“Momma gave it to me!” He says, throwing it up in the air and catching it.

Carla turns to me and gives me a look that only best friends can give one another.

“It’s from Chris,” I admit. “He came by last night.”

“Oh, lord,” Carla says with a sigh. She’s been having boy problems lately so I don’t imagine she’s going to be very sympathetic. “Men. Am I right?”

“I think he’s the one, Carla,” I say softly.

“Say what!?” She gasps. “Are you kiddin’ me? The guy who fucked you and left you!?—”

“Shhhh!” I scold her. “Max will hear you!”

“The guy who fucked you and left you?” She repeats in a whisper. “He’s the one all of a sudden?”

I understand her reaction. I’d probably say the same thing if I hadn’t been filled in yet.

“His dad died,” I tell her. “That’s why he left. He was gone for a long time and when he came looking for me – he didn’t know how to get in touch with me.”

“Oh, come on—”

“He didn’t have my number,” I explain. “I’d quit the diner – moved. He couldn’t find me.”

Carla gives me a skeptical look, but I can see a bit of understanding in her eyes. She’s been dating this goon named Tyrone from Greensburg, two towns over, and he’s been nothing but trouble since day one.

Carla said she was okay not being in a relationship with him, but it was obvious she was just saying that, and he knew it. But instead of manning up and making her his girlfriend, he kept her as a casual fuck buddy, and instead of Carla telling him that’s not what she wanted, she just kept going with it. And it’s taking its toll on her.

“He said he was willing to prove to me he was the man for me and Max,” I tell her.

“Do you believe him?”

I nod slowly. “Yes. But I don’t want to make him prove anything to me. I want to be with him.”

Saying it out loud somehow makes my decision even more real and sends butterflies fluttering through my stomach.

“Would you mind watching him for an hour?”

“What – you’re gonna go over there now?” Carla says with disbelief. “At this hour?”

“Yes,” I say firmly. “He’ll be up.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

I stand up and call out to Max. “Max, honey? Aunt Carla is going to watch you for an hour while I go out. Okay?”

“Yay!” Max cries out, tossing his football at Carla. It hits her right in the forehead and she turns to me with a look that says “I hate you.”

“Thanks, Georgie,” I say. With a pat on her back, I head into the house, grab my keys and hop in the car.

I’m a bundle of nerves as I pull out of the driveway, but it’s a good thing. This is what I want. This is what needs to happen. Chris is who I want and I am who he wants and there’s nothing that’s going to keep us from being together now.