Chapter 25

 Janelle

The last rays of the day’s sun are just beginning to vanish as I take the last sip of my wine. I rarely drink, and basically never get drunk, but I allowed myself one glass of wine tonight after putting Max down to bed. He’ll probably wake up in a couple of hours for a story, but right now I’m just trying to get my head straight and relax.

On any other normal night this would be just what the doctor ordered. But tonight is not any normal night. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve had a normal night for the last two years since I met Chris. Nothing was the same after him.

I didn’t see anyone that entire time. Sure, I went on a few dates, just trying to prove to myself I was over him and could be with someone else. But they didn’t work out. And it wasn’t the guys – it was me.

Some nights I’d dream about him. Sometimes they’d be good. Sometimes they’d be bad. But I was never able to get him out of my mind, and if I tried that hard for two years and failed, I’m sure not going to be able to do it after one day.

The sun dips over the trees and bathes the backyard in the purple, blue comfort of dusk. Warm evenings are my favorite time of day. Carla left about an hour ago. She didn’t want to and told me she’d stay and we could have a girls’ night watching reality TV, eating ice cream and bitching about men, but I just wanted to be alone.

I probably shouldn’t be sitting here thinking about Chris, wallowing in my own misery, but for some reason it’s what I want to do right now. Part of me still thinks there’s an explanation for all this and wants him to come over here like the ending scene from some movie and tell me – clear everything up so I can jump into his arms and kiss him.

But this is real life, not a movie. And in real life, things like that just don’t happen.

But why did he shout at me like that as I was leaving? It sounded like he really had something to say to me – but if he did, how come he hasn’t come to see me all day? He knows where I live. He’s done it before.

He was just upset he got caught. That’s all there is to it. If he really cared he would have been here by now.

Son of a bitch!

I set my wine glass down and walk across the grass of the backyard over to the football Chris gave to Max. I pick it up and turn it over in my hands. Red. Max’s favorite color.

How did he know?

There’s no way he could have. He never met Max and he never asked me. Maybe it’s Chris’s favorite color and Max takes after his father.

It’s funny all the places your mind will take you when you sit and think about something and have no answers. Everything becomes a possibility. All the scenarios in the world suddenly become possible and you can convince yourself that if you think hard enough about one of them, maybe it will actually happen.

I drop the football to the ground and step back to my chair. I can hear Max on the baby monitor. He’s sleeping soundly. For a second, I wish I had something to distract me, but only for a second. I want to feel everything right now. I can’t explain it, but something this important in my life feels strange to try and push aside.

I hear a knock at the door. My heart tenses up, but I shake my head immediately.

“Shut up, Janelle,” I scold myself. “It’s not him.”

I really need to stop all this. I need to get my mind right. Chris isn’t who I thought he was, he isn’t coming back and that’s all there is to it. At least I didn’t let him meet Max. After all this, he never will.

I step inside and set my wine glass in the sink. It must be Carla with ice cream and other junk food. She’s not the best at taking no for an answer and knows that I need someone to hang out with tonight.

It’s great to have her as such a good friend.

“So,” I say, grabbing the knob and pulling open the door. “What’d you get? Cookie dough or chocolate chip brownie?”

There she is. Carla is standing on my front steps, just like I thought she would be, with a brown paper bag in her hand. She doesn’t say anything though – just stands there staring at me like she’s been paralyzed or something.

“Hello? Carla?” I wave my hand in front of her face and give her a goofy grin. “Did someone give you a sedative or something?”

But still she doesn’t answer. Just as I’m about to open my mouth to speak again, I understand why. Someone is standing behind her, and I can see by the shoulders that there’s only one person it could be.

Chris.

He steps around her and forces a smile. “Hey, Janelle.”

“We got here at the exact same time,” Carla finally blurts out. She looks at Chris – then at me – then back to Chris before raising her eyebrows at me.

“Do you want me to stay…?”

Part of me really does. I know it’s silly, but having her here makes me feel much more confident and secure. Talking to Chris on my own is risky. I have to restrain myself from giving into his charm and good looks and the things he says. I’ve tried before and it doesn’t work. Obviously, I just don’t have the self-control.

Do I want her to stay?

I look at Chris, and I can see the look in his eye. Something has changed. He’s not here for that. He’s not here to seduce me. It’s impossible to ignore how gorgeous he is, but there’s something on his mind, and I know he won’t be able to say it with Carla around.

“No, that’s okay,” I tell her.

“Okay,” she says slowly. “Well, there’s both of those ice creams in this bag. If you need me, just call.”

She turns and as she goes tosses a look to Chris that says, “Don’t you dare fuck things up!” He gets it and gives her a half smile and a short nod. We both stand in silence, staring at each other, until Carla is in her car and halfway down the street.

“Can I come in?” Chris finally asks.

“Okay,” I say. Where is this going?

I’m like a leaf on the wind right now, being blown this way and that by this impossible situation with Chris. I can feel his presence behind me as I lead him through the front door and inside. I don’t stop, but head right to the freezer and put away the ice cream. The cool air feels good on my face, and I take a moment before shutting the door and just force myself to calm down.

When I turn back, I see Chris standing stoic in the center of the living room. Before I can move – before I can speak – before I can even think, Chris speaks.

“She’s my ex-wife,” he says flatly, like he’s prepared this ahead of time. “She cheated on me with my best friend, lied, told me she was pregnant with my baby when it was really his, tried to extort me…”

His voice trails off and I think I can hear him choking up. He’s such a big strong man that seeing this kind of emotion from him starts to bring the same out in me.

“I didn’t know she was coming. I haven’t seen her in years. I actually thought it was you,” he continues. “But she was drunk and on something. She jumped on me and I couldn’t get her off. And of course, that’s right when you showed up.”

His words hit me with relief like a warm breeze that sweeps through my soul. I can feel all my anxiety float away like a phantom on its way to another place. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. But my mind, unfortunately, still has its doubts.

“You didn’t know she was coming?” I ask him. I know he’s not lying to me. But somehow I still need to hear him say it. “How did she know where you live?”

“Couldn’t be that hard to find out,” Chris scoffs. “Everyone in town knows where I live. All she had to do was ask around.”

He’s right. Chris is the biggest thing around and it kind of boggles my mind that he hasn’t moved away yet for a little more privacy. But I guess up until now, privacy wasn’t really high on Chris’s list of concerns.

“And you…you don’t still have feelings for her?”

Like a sprinter off the blocks, Chris steps right up to me and puts both hands on my hips. Warmth rushes to my cheeks and I actually feel myself blushing. Looking up at him now, I feel the same feelings I felt when I first fell for him.

“Janelle,” he says as he stares into my eyes. “Shannon hurt me more than I’d ever been hurt before. After her – I swore I’d never let another woman get that close to me. And I kept my promise for a long time…and then I met you.”

His words…it’s like listening to the most perfect love song ever written and it was written just for me. I can feel all of my anger and frustration melting away under the warmth of his eyes, his hands…his presence.

“I’ve never lied to you, Janelle,” he whispers. “And I never will. I made some mistakes, and I can’t promise I won’t make more in the future – but I’ll do the best I can to be the best man I can for you.”

And with those words, Chris clutches me tightly and pulls me close. He looks into my eyes and kisses me deeply. I don’t think it will ever be possible to not feel the same excitement I feel now when our lips meet. Every kiss has been as incredible as the first.

His lips are light against mine – tender like the moment we are sharing now. When he finally pulls away, he looks at me and I know that I am his now.

No.

I have always been his. It just took a while for me to fully understand.