Chapter 12

 Janelle

I can’t sleep.

Lying in bed, all I can think about is Chris.

What am I supposed to do?

He’s back in town. But why now? What took him so fucking long to get back to me? Did he just think I’d be here waiting for him whenever he felt ready to come back? What if I’d found someone else in the meantime?

But the truth is, I’ve been actively not looking for anyone in the last two years. The magic that happened between us was real, I know that. But then why did he have to go and spoil it!?

The pleasure I felt that day was equal to nothing I’ve ever felt in my life and was matched only by the pain I felt the next morning when I woke up alone. I never want to feel that again.

But his touch…

That’s something I’ve been craving for the last two years.

I can still remember his scent, and smelling it again in the car with him was almost too much to handle. It was all I could do to hold myself back. All the sensations and feelings came flooding back to me as I sat there beside him. I wanted to cry out for him to stop the car and pull over. I wanted to jump on him. I wanted to scream at him to not listen to me and just take me right there.

But I didn’t.

I sat there like a stubborn little girl until he brought me home.

But that was the right thing to do!

I can’t let a man treat me like that – with no respect – like a piece of meat. I’m more than that, and I thought he knew it.

But then why is he back? Why would he come to see me if I’m just another one of his girls? I mean, I guess it could be because I was just that good in bed – but who am I kidding? Chris did most of the work anyway, and I’m sure once you’ve had as many women as he must have had, you don’t go back two years later to one just because you liked the sex. You go find yourself twenty new ones to replace her.

So what does it all mean? If he really liked me, why would it take him two years? I’ve seen him on TV playing football. He hasn’t been injured. He hasn’t been overseas or something. So why not come and see me if he actually likes me?

This is all too hard to comprehend. Trying to understand a man’s mind is like trying to understand the laws of Quantum physics, whatever the Hell those are. I know when a man is drunk. I know when a man wants to get some, and I know when a man wants you to get lost. But other than that, I have to say the opposite sex is a complete enigma, and Chris Mitchell is the greatest of them all.

Isn’t this always the way of it? You get hit on by all the horrible guys in the world; the loud ones, the rude ones, the disgusting ones – all of the ones but the one you want to hit on you. And then when he does, if he does, he turns out to be an asshole after all.

But does that change anything about how I feel about Chris? No. I can’t help my feelings. Even if he has treated me like garbage, I want him more than anything in the world. I want him to come to me with a real explanation – one that I can understand that makes sense. I’d accept that. I’d introduce him to his son and everything would be good.

Right?

It’s all too much to think about. I roll over and crack the window at the head of my bed. I can smell the gentle rain on the wind and the cool breeze on my face is soothing. I take several deep breaths and try to calm my heart.

It’s so hard to love someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s so hard not to be able to control your own feelings.

The only thing I can control here is whether or not I tell Chris about Max, and right now the answer to that is no.

A man like Chris is not fit to be a father. It’s better Max never know him than to have him coming in and out of his life as he pleases, showing up with apology gifts every few months, giving him unwanted or unneeded advice. I can do a better job with Max as a single mom than I can with an absentee father.

Unless Chris is able to prove to me that he’s not the man I think he is, he’ll never know his son.