Mending Bridges
Failures happen for everyone, boys. Your measure of success does not come in wealth; your successes happen when you face your failures and learn from them. Pops always told us not to give up.
“Where ya at, fucker?” Tripp kicks my chair at his dining room table, jarring me.
“Right here. What the hell?”
“Doll asked you four times if you wanted a beer, and you said nothing. Caroline agreed to have sex with you—” My cousin is cut off at the screech of Lux.
“The hell I did, Tripp.”
Grabbing my chest in mock emotion, I say, “Lux, you crush me. We’re all family here, you can be honest. Doll is used to everyone wanting my cock,” I joke, knowing it drives Caroline crazy, especially when I call her Lux.
“What gives, Rex? Normally, you would’ve grabbed your junk and pushed the issue more,” Doll, ever the observant one, inquires.
Dropping my head into my hands, I blow out a frustrated breath. It’s time to own my mistakes and face my failures. I drag my hands down my face before I look up and face everyone.
“I have a son.”
The room falls silent and everyone stills. Well, not exactly the reaction I was going for.
“What the fuck?” Tripp questions.
“Tessie’s boy, Axel. He’s my son.”
“No way!” Doll exclaims, the shock written all over her face.
“Don’t mean this harsh, but you sure he’s yours?” Tripp asks with a look of understanding.
“I’ve seen him. One look at him, and there’s no denyin’ it.” I stand up, no longer able to remain still.
“Whoring around does that to ya, Rex. What are you gonna do about it now?” Caroline has to put her two cents in as usual. That broad busts my balls every chance she gets.
Doll quietly walks over, wraps her arms around my waist, and softly asks, “Why didn’t she tell us? Why didn’t she tell you?”
“I need to talk to her. I sort of over-reacted to seeing him. From what Shooter has told me, she didn’t think I was ready. She wanted me to live my life.”
“Shooter? Of course he would know if it’s that obvious. He’s had the boy living with him. Why the hell didn’t he tell you? I’ll kick his motherfuckin’ ass,” Tripp says, throwing his beer into the wall, the glass shattering everywhere.
“I already tried,” I say, giving them the truth. It is not fun to beat the shit out of someone who puts up no resistance.
“What the hell you talkin’ ‘bout? How long have you known? Shooter’s busted face the other day, that from you?” Tripp questions, glaring at me.
Doll releases me to put her hands on Tripp’s chest. “Stop it. This is for Rex to sort out and us to support him, not you getting in a rage. Damn.”
“I’ve known long enough to do something about it and haven’t done it yet.”
“Are you angry with her? Tessie?” Caroline decides to join the conversation.
“I was, but I don’t know what I feel or think now. I have so many questions.” I turn to the sexiest woman I have ever encountered trying to remain calm as I still sort through this in my head.
“You want me to blow smoke up your ass and inflate your ego further, or do you want me to keep it real with you?” Caroline asks honestly.
“Lux, when have you ever done anything but destroy my ego? You wouldn’t give it to me any other way but straight, even if I asked.”
“If it were me, I wouldn’t have told you, either.”
“Caroline!” Doll does nothing to hold back her shock. “That’s bullshit. As that little boy’s father, Rex should have rights, and she took all his choices away from him.”
“Get real, Drexel. Have you ever wanted a kid before one was standing in front of you?”
My actual name. Oh, she’s seriously using the big guns to get my attention. I shake my head back and forth rather than actually answer her.
“If she came to you when she was pregnant, would you have supported her? I’m not talkin’ money, either. Would you have made time for appointments and classes? When she was sick, puking her guts out from morning sickness, you were probably rolling out of some barfly’s bed. You gonna stop chasin’ pussy for her and her kid?”
I open my mouth to answer yet don’t get a word out before Caroline is snapping at me again.
“Let me answer for you. No. Now, you would’ve given her money that much I know. You aren’t a lowlife. She wouldn’t have had to worry about bills. Hell, she wouldn’t have been workin’ in a bar if she would’ve told you. I know that much about you and Tripp. You take care of what’s yours. Appointments, no, you wouldn’t have been there when she had to pee on command. When she had to drink this sickeningly sweet, sugar drink for a glucose test, she would’ve been alone. When she went into labor, you probably would’ve been on a transport or balls deep in a barfly. Either way, you wouldn’t have been there to watch her exhaust her body, bringing life to your baby boy.
“If, by some chance, you tried to be in a relationship with her, you would’ve kept her ass at home while you still did whatever the hell you wanted. She would resent you, and eventually, you would resent her for what you thought you might have missed. So, while all of you get angry at Tessie for not telling him, I say I would’ve done the same damn thing.”
Closing in on her in her seat at the table, I pick up either side of her chair, pulling it out then turning it around while she sits in it, unmoving. Once I have her spun around, I put my hands back on either side of the chair seat cushion, caging her in. Getting eye to eye with her, our breaths mix when we exhale.
“You think you have me all figured out? Yeah, I fucked this up. How about this one for ya? You are right! I wouldn’t have been there. Sure, I would’ve given her money, but no, I wouldn’t have been at one single appointment. I can’t stand here and tell you I would’ve made it a priority to be at the birth of my son because I didn’t know about him. I can tell you that seeing what Tessie has gone through has shown me a lot of things. It’s not just what she’s gone through with my son, it’s Shooter. She looks at him in a way she’s never looked at me.”
She claps her hands at me. “There, you were given a round of applause for seeing the error of your ways. Is that what you want?”
“You push me at every fuckin’ turn, woman! That’s not what I want.”
“Then what do you want, Rex? Own it, right now, what do you want?”
“A woman to look at me like Tessie looks at Shooter, like Doll looks at Tripp. A woman who doesn’t judge me and accepts me failures, flaws, and all. Since I ruined it with the one person who has ever given me that, I guess I need to find a way to earn it from everyone else. And that starts with earning acceptance from my son,” I state firmly, not giving her a chance to back down from my stare.
“Then why are you still here?” she challenges.
“Good fuckin’ question.” With that, I take off without another word to anyone.
Shooter is at work. Axel is at school. Mom is resting. Today, I have a quiet day. I am wiping down the kitchen counter when my phone rings.
“Hello,” I greet, unsure what to say to the man on the other end of the line.
“Can I see you?” Rex asks.
“I’m at Shooter’s house.”
“See you in ten.” The line disconnects before I can say another word.
Is this smart? Will he be in an uncontrollable rage again? He wouldn’t hurt me, would he?
Needing reassurance, I dial the person I have come to rely on more than I have ever depended on anyone before.
“Baby, you okay?” Shooter answers immediately.
“Ummm…” I start to say as the panic builds. What if Rex wants to take Axel from me? Yes, he was unexpected. No, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing in the beginning. Hell, I still don’t. But that little boy is my whole world. He can’t take him from me.
“Breathe, baby. Talk to me, please,” Shooter pleads into the phone, automatically soothing me.
“Rex is on his way over.”
“You want me to come home?”
“Yes… No… I don’t know. I just needed to hear your voice more than anything.”
“Do I have anything to be worried about?” With my history with Rex and what we have being so new, I can’t blame him for asking.
“Andy—” I start but am interrupted by his laugh.
“Nope, I got nothin’ to worry about. But you can say my name again.” Shooter chuckles into the phone.
“I’ll say your name again tonight when you make me scream it.”
“You’re killin’ me, baby.”
His relaxed tone makes me feel centered, and I finally realize Rex has had time to sort stuff out in his mind. He won’t come here to hurt me or yell at me.
“I’ll be all right. Go back to work, just needed to hear your voice.”
“You need me, never hesitate to call, baby. Don’t talk with Rex too much, you need to rest your voice for tonight.” He laughs again. I never tire of hearing him laugh.
Flirting with Shooter has me smiling until I hear the rumble of Rex’s bike.
“Gotta go, he’s here. I’ll call if I need you. Thank you for always being my rock, Andy.”
“You’re killin’ me,” he whispers.
“Makin’ sure you remember you’re alive, baby,” I toss back at him before ending the call.
For years, he has merely gone through the motions of his life. Tracie took a piece of him with her when she committed suicide. Slowly, I am going to get every piece of him back. Slowly, I am going to fill his days and nights with life and laughter. He has brought me back from the brink one breath at a time, and I am determined to give this back to him.
Walking to the front porch, I decide to meet Rex outside. Shooter’s home—our home—is for us or I hope that maybe one day it will be. I won’t taint it with negatives from either of our pasts.
Sitting on one of the rockers he has, I motion for Rex to follow suit.
“Tessie,” he greets, looking nervous.
“Rex,” I reply, unsure what I should say.
“About the fight. I never woulda hit you. Things may be different between us, but I wouldn’t hurt you like that.”
“Rex, I get it. Stepping into a man beating another man wasn’t my smartest moment. Let’s just get to it. We never have been one to talk much, so don’t drag it out now. You look tired and like you got shit to say, so say it,” I say, not toning down my bitchiness. I want to get this over with before Axel is out of school. I need to know what I am facing so I can start preparing for it.
“What’s his name? His full name. I’ve been riding around all night and morning just wondering what his actual name is. I was at Tripp’s last night, and I couldn’t tell them my son’s name,” he asks while staring out into the driveway.
“Axel Devon Crews.”
“You gave him my name?”
“When I found out fathers don’t have to sign the birth certificates here in North Carolina, I decided to give him your last name. From the moment they told me I was having a boy, I knew he would have your middle name, but when given the opportunity to give him your last name, I took it. Rex, I know it’s hard to believe, but I didn’t mean to keep it from you for so long.”
“Does he know about me?” Rex questions hunching his shoulders almost as if he’s defeated.
“He knows his dad is a truck driver that does long distance transports. He knows you travel all the time. At his birthday and Christmas, I always give him a present or two from you, depending on my money. He always gets at least one thing signed ‘Love, Dad’. I didn’t mean to exclude you, but I didn’t think you would want to be tied down. And I didn’t want him to be left with disappointments if you weren’t a constant in his life.”
“Honestly, I don’t know if you did the right or wrong thing because I don’t know what I would’ve done if you would’ve told me. But I hate knowing you’ve struggled and given up so much. I want you to know I would’ve helped you financially, if nothing else.” Rex still won’t look at me.
“I don’t need your money, Rex. I make due and always will. Axel doesn’t go without the things he needs.”
“I know. That’s not what I mean. This isn’t coming out right. Look, we gotta let go of the past. I did you wrong, and you have made the sacrifices for my mistakes. So, where do we go from here? Maybe I wasn’t ready before or maybe I would’ve been. Either way, it’s irrelevant. In the here and now, I wanna know my son. I wanna take care of him.” He finally looks at me with sincerity in his eyes that hits me in my gut. He really does want to be a part of Axel’s life.
“Okay. I need to tell him that you are in town. We can go to dinner together or something next week. How does that sound?”
“Sounds like a date,” Rex replies with excitement in his voice.
“Rex, this doesn’t change anything between us. We were over a long time ago. I don’t want to go back to that or a twisted version of it.”
He stands up and laughs. “I keep messing this up. I know it’s over, Tessie. I’m still a work in progress, and you never looked at me the way you do Shooter. You are one strong-ass broad. He needs strong and you need a good man. He’s a good man. ”
Coming over to me, he reaches down, taking me by the hands and pulling me out of my chair. Rex then cups my face, putting his lips to my forehead for what I know will be the last time. I close my eyes and breathe him in. When he pulls away, there is a sadness in his eyes I have never seen before.
“Thank you for my son. Thank you for standing by me and now, for changing my life.” With those words, he turns and walks away, leaving me with tears pooling in my eyes.