Truth
Warm. I feel warm. Safe.
Arms envelope me, providing comfort and a security I have never felt before. I don’t want to get up. For the first time, I want to stay asleep. For once, I am feeling somewhat rested.
Wait. Arms? Who is with me?
Breathing deeply, I don’t even open my eyes. Shooter.
What the hell am I going to do?
Cracking one eye open, I try to ignore the masculine perfection under me and look at the clock on my dresser. Eight twelve in the morning. Shit! I am so fucking screwed right now. Axel is late for school. More than that, he will be coming in my room any minute, I am sure of it. My secret is no longer safe.
“I know you’re awake, baby,” Shooter says without moving under me. His arms are still casually slung over me like we sleep together all the time.
Refusing to answer him, I only close my eyes and blow out my breath.
“I don’t mind spending the day like this if that’s what you want,” he adds while gently rubbing my back.
“What are you doing here?” I ask without bothering to get off him just yet.
“Some things have changed with the club. I need to be here.”
“No, you don’t,” I argue.
Shooter shifts under me, moving to sit up against the headboard, easily moving me with him. My full size bed gives me little room to escape him. His hold is gentle yet firm and not something I altogether want to get out of.
“Baby, it’s time we have a talk about club life. What has Rex told you about women and the Hellions?”
At the mention of my ex-fling, I flinch. Rex, yeah, he is not the person I want to talk about before I have had even a drop of coffee.
“Not a damn thing. Truth be told—” I am cut off by Shooter.
“Nothing? He shared nothing with you? Not even for your own safety?” I feel Shooter getting tense under me.
Having someone so protective of me is a new experience.
“I don’t want to know, Shooter,” I tell him calmly, knowing he is full of unease at my lack of knowledge.
“There are things you can’t know, Tessie. Things you will never know. It’s just club business.”
“Again, Shooter,” I interject, “I don’t want to know.”
“Want is irrelevant at this point in our relationship. You are now in a situation of need to know, baby. I claimed you; do you understand that?”
“Yeah, I get it. I’m club property. I’m a representation of the Hellions and a direct representation of you. I fall under the halo of Hellion protection as your ol’ lady. I have no rights, no information, and no opinion of my own. I show up where I’m told as an arm piece to do as I’m told and ride where I’m told. I’m not to make a scene or disrespect you or any one of your brothers. If we were lovers, I would be expected to fuck you when you wanted to fuck, how you wanted to fuck, and however you wanted to fuck. I, however, would have no say whatsoever in whom you chose to fuck other than me. Furthermore, I would not be allowed to fuck anyone else since you cavemen don’t like to share while we women have to watch you get off by someone else, should you choose. Yup, Shooter, I got it. I know my damn place.” My tone is not sharp, my voice never rising, as I lay it out there for him calmly. I am not one for the dramatics or yelling. It is what it is. If there is a shit hand to be dealt, I know it will be placed in front of me. As such, there’s no need to cause a ruckus.
“Baby, who the fuck have you been talkin’ to? Do you really think for one second that’s how it is?”
“Shooter, I work at Ruthless. The barflies talk. Hell, your brothers get drunk and bitch constantly about their ol’ ladies not walking the line.”
“Baby, come on, you have to know better than to believe a bunch of whores and a bunch of drunken ramblings.”
Leaning away from his chest, I look him in the eye without saying a word. Yes, I believe it. I have heard it enough times and from enough different sources. There is truth to what I’ve said.
“Baby, do you think for one second Doll would let Tripp step out on her or to not allow her an opinion on subjects that aren’t club business? Hell, does Doll strike you as any man’s arm piece?” he questions, making a valid point.
“Well, Doll and Tripp, that’s different.” Doll is the exception to every rule in my mind.
“And we aren’t different? Cuz, baby, you aren’t fuckin’ me, and you’re my ol’ lady, and I’m not fuckin’ anyone else.”
“Shooter, we aren’t in a real relationship. This is just temporary.”
“Baby, this is for as long as it lasts, whatever may come, whatever may happen. I will share with you what I can, but beyond that, I can’t. You can ask me questions, though I can’t promise I will always answer them. You are right in that you are a representation of the Hellions and of me. You have rights, freedoms, and you have an opinion, one that means something to me. I won’t fuck around on you. I won’t disrespect you.”
“Do you wanna fuck me?” I ask with trepidation evident in my voice.
Do I really want to know the answer to that question? I am still a woman, and one day I hope to move past what has happened to me. However, the thought of having sex terrifies me; there is no way I am anywhere near ready right now.
“Baby, I don’t think you are ready to go there, even in conversation,” Shooter responds, taking away my worries over him answering.
“I don’t know what we’re doing here,” I state honestly. “Hell, I don’t know what I’m doing with myself, much less adding you to the mix.”
“I don’t know what we’re doing, either. So we’ll figure it out together. First, you need to understand it’s for the best if I stay here with you.”
“No!” No way, no how. He cannot stay here. I am living on a prayer at the moment that I can nonchalantly hurry this conversation along to get Shooter gone long before Axel wakes up.
“Not negotiable. Second, you are my woman, for now. No disrespect to you will be given and none of the bullshit will be taken should you try to pull some. I’ve never seen you once act out with Rex, but I don’t know what went on behind closed doors, either. I’m warning you once, I don’t tolerate the dramatics. I’m an adult, you’re an adult, and we treat each other like damn adults.”
“Stop. This isn’t happening,” I try to interrupt him.
“Already happened baby. Look Tessie, I don’t know you that well yet, and you don’t know me. But we are in this situation together, so let’s sort some shit early.”
I nod silently just wanting to get this over with as he continues.
“Something about me you need to know. I have a very low tolerance for repeating myself. I’m done telling you what this is. I’m done telling you about the arrangements. You’re my ol’ lady, and I’m your man for as long as it lasts. I’m moving in. We’ll both have to adjust to being so independent and now being together, but we will. We have to.”
“Shooter, did you know all this when you claimed me?” For a second, I really want to know more about how this man’s head ticks.
The pitter patter of little feet down the hall shakes me back into the moment. My world is crashing down around me as every second passes and every step that brings my son closer to my room.
Shit! No fucking way. The little boy walking over to the bed is the spitting image of Rex. From the dirty blonde hair to his eyes to the strong jaw line and even the way the little guy carries himself, this is Rex’s son.
Tessie tenses beside me, dropping her hand to my waist and her head to my chest as if she is holding me in place and hiding her face from me at the same time. With her palm clammy against my abdominal muscles, I flex involuntarily as my pulse races and my thoughts run together. The whole time, Tessie shudders on top of me, yet remains silently in place.
The mini Crews glares at me in defense of his mother as he approaches my side of the bed. He is in no way backing down from me or what he obviously considers his place.
Temper, temper, little shithead.
“What the hell, Tessie?” I question, unable to form any other words.
“Momma says hell is a bad word; you shouldn’t say it,” the little fucker chastises.
“Axel, you need to go eat breakfast. Something easy, baby. We’re running late,” Tessie instructs her son.
“Be nice to my momma,” Axel declares before leaving the room.
Is my anger that apparent? At least one of the Crews men is willing to step up, no matter the fight ahead for their woman.
Rex, the motherfucker, sure ain’t nice to your momma, boy.
“Shooter,” Tessie whispers beside me.
“You have some explaining to do—” Interrupting, she pushes off me, trying to get away from me and this conversation.
When I reach out and grab her arm, squeezing gently she stills, yet doesn’t flinch or pull away. I am pissed, yes, but I would never hurt her.
She turns her head to meet my stare, her eyes filling with unshed tears.
“Like right fuckin’ now, Tessie. I need to know.”
Sighing, she says, “Stay put. Let me get him to school, then I promise to talk to you when I get back.”
“Negative. We will take Axel to school. When we come home, you will tell me everything. But, most importantly, you will tell me the truth, the whole truth.”
Tessie tucks her hair behind her ears, her nervous habit. She does it when the guys at the bar hit on her and she is uncomfortable. It is something I have noticed and found attractive about her in the past. In this moment, it makes me on edge.
Please, Tessie, be honest with me. I can’t handle being lied to, not when I have put so much on the line for you.
For a brief moment, anger and sadness flash across her features before she tucks the emotions away in true Tessie fashion. The slight blink of her eyes gives her away, although only for a moment. Anyone who isn’t around Tessie regularly would probably look at her right now and say she is extremely strong and handling this well. However, I can see beyond the strong face, the hidden emotions, and into the shattered soul of the woman before me.
“Shooter, I need to get Axel to school without him questioning more of his life than he already is right now. He knows something is going on with me - more than I don’t feel good. He knows we moved out of our trailer to move home with his Gigi. He’s had enough on his plate for the last few months, so don’t add to it in front of my son. When we get home, I will talk with you about him and answer the questions I see written all over your face.”
“With complete, candid honesty?”
“Look, I know you don’t have to help me. I appreciate everything you’ve done, really. Let’s get one thing straight right now, though,” she begins without raising her voice, but rather taking a sharp tone with me that reminds me of my own mother when I would get in trouble as a child. “Axel is my number one priority. I don’t give a shit what you think of me, what your club thinks of me, or what anyone thinks of me. That boy is mine. He’s been mine and only mine since the day he was conceived. I will answer anything you ask, openly and honestly, as long as you remember not to cross the line of my son’s well-being. I may not have made all the right decisions, but I’ve done the best I could with the circumstances.”
“Never said you didn’t, Tessie.”
“No, but I see the judgment written all over your face.”
“Point taken. We will talk when we get home.” Raising my hands in defeat, I decide to be her friend in this moment until I know what is going on here.
Aware she needs space from me, I get up from the bed and make my way out to the living room where I dropped my duffel bag the night before.
I have hundreds of questions running through my mind. Tessie is a good mom, no one would question that. Why is she so defensive? Why isn’t Rex around? Does he even know?
Rage builds inside me. Did that piece of shit motherfucker turn his back on them? I know he is a selfish prick, but certainly he wouldn’t abandon his own kid. He wouldn’t leave them to struggle financially while he is doing okay for himself, would he? I want to beat the shit out of my brother in this very moment. Even if he doesn’t know—fuck that… how can he not know? They have been fucking for years. I know he has been to Tessie’s house.
Inhaling deeply, I blow out my breath harshly in an attempt to calm myself. How can Tessie allow such disrespect? What makes Rex being around without being a dad okay in her book?
The feel of little eyes watching me has me turning around after pulling my shirt over my head. Axel is staring at me with a firm face for a six- or seven-year-old, little boy.
“Why are you here, Mister?” he boldly questions me.
Damn, the kid’s got balls of steel.
“I’m a friend of your mom’s.”
“Momma don’t have friends. She don’t need friends. She’s got me and Gigi. That’s all she needs. You can leave and don’t look back.” Without waiting for me to reply, he turns and walks out of the living room.
I make my way to the bathroom to change my pants and wash up before taking the little hellion to school. When he comes around the corner with his blonde locks hidden under a baseball hat, I realize how Tessie has gotten him past the brothers we have had watching her.
The car ride is made in silence. While I wait for Tessie to return from signing Axel in, I try to get my emotions in check. Ultimately, this isn’t my business, or it wasn’t my business. Dammit, the lines are completely blurred with her. The longer she takes, the more I start looking around the building for exit points. Certainly she wouldn’t run from me over this, right?
Just as I am about to get out of the car to go search for her, she climbs in the passenger seat of the Challenger.
“Sorry. He was late, so I had to sign him in at the actual office and explain his tardy.”
“What the fuck is there to explain? You’re his damn mom and you brought him to school. It ain’t nobody’s business why he’s late,” I say as my agitation grows once again.
“School policy,” Tessie replies calmly.
Rather than start what I know will be an intense conversation in the car, I take Tessie back to my house. Pulling up, her surprise at our destination is evident.
“Why are we here?” she asks as I unlock the front door and let us in.
“I need to get shit for your house, and we need to talk, but I don’t want your mom to overhear. She worries about you, you know?”
Anger flashes in her face before she pushes it back down. “Don’t you get all righteous on me like you know about my life! Yes, Shooter, I am well fuckin’ aware of my mom and her worries.”
“Sit your ass down on the couch. Let me get my shit together, and then we’re gonna talk like grown ass adults, not this bickering bullshit you’re aimin’ for.”
After throwing some clothes in a bag, I gather my deodorant and shaving kit before making my way back to the woman waiting on my couch like Doomsday has arrived. How are we going to get our shit sorted if she feels defensive every time we talk? I need to stop being such a hardass and hear her out. Then, after I sort my shit with her, I need to sort Rex’s shit for him.
Man up, fucker, you have a son.