The normally comfortable conference room chair feels like a block of cold, unwelcoming ice under me. Mr. Holt clears his throat, breaking the awkward silence.
“Ms. Morrell, I believe we both know why we’re here.”
I nod, too upset to say anything. I still can’t believe my dismal performance during trial has cost me the Marks case and apparently, my job.
“I’ll cut to the chase,” he continues. “I think it would be wise of you to take a leave of absence, to figure out if you have what it takes to work at this firm. And for the firm to figure out if you’re the type of lawyer we want to continue to employ.”
Leave of absence. My heart speeds up upon hearing that phrase. That means a break. Not a permanent firing. Perhaps I still have a chance. I’m not sure whether this is a victory or a defeat. I guess it’s something in the middle.
But yet. Even being told to take a mandatory leave of absence is embarrassing. What will my parents think? I try desperately, stupidly, to save my once- lofty position at the firm.
“Mr. Holt, I’ve always received exemplary evaluations,” I begin, half knowing it’s foolish to think I can persuade him— that his mind isn’t already made up— but half not caring in my desperation. “My billable hours are off the charts, and I’ve been handling all my own cases for some time now.”
I stop, realizing I’ve opened the door to the perfect opportunity for him to point out that he entrusted me with a top client only for me to blow everything. But luckily, he doesn’t say that. He says something arguably worse than that.
“Your evaluations also repeatedly say that you have trouble… shall we say… fitting in with the firm. That this may not be the right… culture… for you. And that your connections and outside activities leave something to be desired in terms of the firm’s interests and goals.”
“But I met with the director of the Veterans’ Legal Alliance, to volunteer to represent their clients and bolster my ties with the military community,” I protest.
“Riley,” he says, with a frown, dropping all pretense of formality. “That’s nice that you went and spoke with the guy. But nothing ever came of it. And sometimes there are situations where the term ‘too little, too late’ applies.”
I resist the urge to hang my head. I don’t know why I even bothered trying to dissuade him.
“And anyway,” he says, waving a hand at the expansive window view of the Sandia mountains as if none of this is very important to him.
I remember when I was a clerk during law school, how big and important I felt to be working at such a fancy firm. And now I just feel like a loser who couldn’t cut it.
“The networking and community involvement stuff is neither here nor there,” Mr. Holt continues. “Sure, we like well-rounded associates and we do like to preserve our military and government work by flaunting our associates’ involvement in those matters. But you would have been saved by the fact that you’re a stupendous lawyer, the cream of the crop. However, there are certain values we need Holt associates to possess, that I’m just doubting whether or not you have, after the Marks trial.”
“Values?” I try not to sound too sarcastic. But I can’t help thinking that he means the opposite of values.
“Such as zealous and overly loyal reputation of our clients. And a desire to win…”
…No matter what the cost, I finish the sentence for him in my mind, as his words trail off.
I realize the irony— that my boyfriend’s father is sounding a lot like my own father. I know for sure that my parents would want me to do whatever necessary to “win” and to keep advancing up the law firm’s corporate ladder. They’re not going to believe I was let go for being too “ethical.” They wouldn’t even know or care what they meant. And maybe if my leave of absence is a short one, they won’t have to find out.
“I do understand, Mr. Holt,” I tell him, standing up and extending my hand for a parting handshake.
I have to realize that the war is over— I’ve lost, or at least I’ve lost for now— and all I can do is salvage what little dignity I have left, and hope that after a leave of absence I’ll be welcomed back without too much damage to repair. “And I can assure you that I do have what it takes to remain employed here and to hopefully become partner as I was slated to do.”
“We’ll see,” he says with a shrug, halfheartedly returning my handshake. I’ve obviously been dismissed. I just have no idea for how long.
The walk to Charles’s office feels like the longest of my life. I have no idea how he’ll react to the news. Unlike my own parents, he’s never had to fear his, so I have no reason to think he’ll be disappointed in me just because his father is.
But then again, there are certain obvious things he has to do to keep his father happy. Work at the firm, although not very hard. Date a respectful girl, and until recently his father has been perfectly happy with it being me, but I’m not sure that that won’t change. And don’t get too drunk in front of clients or colleagues. Wait until he’s out with his old fraternity brothers for that.
He’s in his office, which is rare at 4 pm– happy hour at the bar downstairs started an hour ago— and it looks like he’s actually working on a case again for once. His back is to me and he’s staring at a computer screen full of emails with Kristin Taggert, an associate at our rival firm of Coleman and Williams, and one of my opposing counsel in the Marks Capital case.
My mouth drops open. What I want to say is “You really are working on the Marks Capital case now, aren’t you?” but the answer to my question is obvious. It’s puzzling, because Charles is not the caliber of associate that Mr. Holt would normally put on such a big, important case. But maybe with me off the case, he’s giving Charles a shot.
I have a hunch that Charles wouldn’t appreciate being startled with such a brazen, obvious question.
So instead, I just say “Hey there,” and lightly rap on the window part of his already-open door, which admittedly I should have done when I first approached, except that he’s my boyfriend and I’m upset at just being placed on a leave of absence. And I’m upset that he’s been ignoring me, apparently opting instead to steal my big case.
He jumps, and then quickly hits “X” on his browser. He swivels around in his computer chair to face me.
“Riley.”
“Charles. I… I just came from a meeting with your dad. I’ve been…”
“Canned. I know.”
He half frowns, but doesn’t seem to think it’s nearly as big of a deal as I do.
“Oh Charles,” I shut his office door and begin to cry.
I can’t help myself, and I figure if there’s one place I can feel safe to be vulnerable, it’s with my boyfriend, even if it is in his office at the firm his dad owns, from where I’ve just been “canned,” apparently.
“He didn’t say it like that. He said ‘leave of absence.’ Do you really think it’s permanent?”
He shrugs, his facial features softening a bit. He always hates it when I cry, which is rare, but it does happen.
“It’s all because of the Marks case. I know you and I have been… distant… lately, but I was trying to talk to you about it last night, and…” and you weren’t listening, I want to say. You were staring off into space as usual, and barely acknowledging my existence. “…anyway, I don’t know what happened but your dad is somehow caught up in something… bigger than him.”
I choose my words carefully, not wanting to accuse his dad of what I know to be true: ethical misconduct.
“Somehow someone gave him information that we really shouldn’t have had,” I continue, “and I just couldn’t… you should know, if you’re going to be on the case now…”
I decide to warn him, because I don’t want him to be met with the same fate I’ve been dealt, although I doubt that’s possible, as the son of the firm’s founding partner. “Something is really off about that case. I wouldn’t trust Kristin Taggert. Something is not right and it’s going to end up biting everyone in the ass.”
I really should tell the client, I think. He has the right to know. But that would definitely make my leave of absence permanent.
“Riley, I don’t know what’s been up with you lately, or what happened in the Marks Capital case,” Charles begins, and I can’t resist interrupting him.
“What’s been up with me lately? You’ve been completely checked out for a long time now, despite my attempts to find out what’s wrong…”
“It’s clear to see that we’ve just drifted apart,” Charles continues with another nonchalant shrug, the coldness back in his voice. “I think we could use some time apart.”
Some time apart? He’s putting me on a leave of absence from our relationship right after I’ve been put on a leave of absence from the firm? What a cold-hearted asshole!
I know I should be happy— I didn't want to be with Charles anyway, and he's letting me off the hook from having to have The Conversation, by being the one to start it. A big part of me is happy.
But I can't focus on that right now. In fact, I can’t seem to do anything but sob. I start wiping at my eyes, trying to calm down because obviously, Charles isn’t here to comfort me but instead only plans to add on to my misery.
He gets out of his chair and walks around to my side of the desk. I begin to think it’s to give me a hug but instead he puts his arm around me and walks me to the door of his office.
“There, there. It’ll be okay. You’re always a fighter. You always come up on top.”
He opens the door, ready to deposit me and our relationship on the street just like his father had done with my job.
“Just like that?” I ask, like an idiot. "This is over? For good this time?"
“Let’s just give it a cooling off period and see what happens,” he says, with a smile, as if he’s being kind to me.
Suddenly, I feel all the rage I’ve apparently been holding in during the relationship rising up within me, unable to be held down.
"No," I tell him, and he looks surprised by my fierceness. "I'm done with this. No more on again, off again. You are free to stay out all night, entertaining whoever you want with whoever else you want, and not calling me. Because I don't care anymore. I want someone different than you."
"You do?" he asks, shocked that I could have my own thoughts or desires. Surprised that I'm not just some extension of him.
"Damn straight I do."
I turn around and walk out to the elevators— shoulders back, head up, as cool and collected as I can possibly act— before anyone at the firm can see me in this embarrassing state. I’ll come back later to collect my things. Mr. Holt hadn’t told me what to do with them but I’m assuming they’re not going to let my office sit occupied by my things while I’m not here.
As I leave the building, my shock soon turns to even more anger than I'd just displayed to Charles. Just like that, I’m single and unemployed. I no longer want to save my relationship but I’m determined to save my career, and Charles’s right that I always come out on top. I always get what I want.
I hear the wise version of myself whisper: It’s just that for the first time in a long time, the only reason I want it so badly is because I’ve been deprived of it. Shut up, I tell that voice. I do want this and I will get it back. You just watch.