***
The temple rose before me, a massive wooden structure with a flared roof, sliding doors, and massive stone steps leading up to its inner sanctum. I didn’t usually lead with my money, but if I hadn’t reserved the space, it would be bustling with tourists buying candy and daruma dolls to enjoy and use as offerings to the Buddha. As it was, while the tourists were gone, the merchants’ wares were still out and I passed rows of rice candy vendors, brilliantly painted paper lanterns, and blown glass orbs decorated with fish and other vibrant animals. It was quiet here, that site of reverence it had to be at night when it was just the monks alone tending their inner sanctum.
I needed that.
Belle hadn’t convinced me yet to try therapy. I’d had what felt like my fill in the VA, and it had all seemed namby pamby bullshit to me. I’d hated the support group the most, couldn’t find any comfort from the other veterans. We were often a bitter, haunted group, and there was nothing that helped me from dwelling in the past. I didn’t want to think about it, but sometimes, even now, even with Belle by my side, the darkness would slip out and try and drag me down with it.
So, about a year ago, I had picked up some martial arts, a bit of karate to try and center myself. I’d learned American-style hand-to-hand in training, but I’d never gone into anything Eastern. But one night after an exceptionally bad nightmare, after seeing Belle’s tormented eyes staring down at me, I knew I needed some kind of a change. She couldn’t be the only thing keeping me anchored. It wasn’t fair to her, and it led her to beat herself up when she couldn’t always help me. She did more for me than anything else had, but I owed it to myself and to her to be better, too, to find whatever helped me be a better person. The karate was good exercise, something I enjoyed interspersed with my regular routine, but it was the meditation and mindfulness I was working hardest to incorporate into my life. Now, I woke up an hour early to go through my daily meditation, and I found it was helping, keeping the beast more at bay.
I wasn’t foolish or dumb enough to think that animal side of me would ever be gone. I’d been through too much trauma for that, but it was getting better, and I had to hold onto that.
Passing into the inner shrine of the temple, I bowed low to the one monk actively praying. Wishing him good health and luck in my best Japanese, I had to smile when he grinned back at me. It was the least I could do, to acknowledge his culture and his mother tongue when I was the one renting out and using his space, so to speak, at least for today.
Finding my own space on the floor, I knelt in position and took long, deep breaths. Before I’d met Belle, I’d hated closing my eyes. It was too easy to be drawn back there, to be thrown mentally back to Iraq and all of the hell I’d endured. Even after our relationship blossomed, I still had trouble. With the mediation it was easier, and I could almost trust I wouldn’t flashback to the jeep, to the desert where I’d lost part of my life and my soul.
Almost.
Today, I’d have to face it, needed to in order to take the next steps in finally moving on.
After half an hour in contemplative prayer, I pulled out a small handkerchief from my pocket. Unfurling the cloth, I eyed the medal in my hand. It wasn’t as big as you’d think. Didn’t weigh anything really. But it had felt heavy, like a chain around my neck that pulled me under, that drove me to insanity.
Sighing, I set my purple heart down on the floor of the temple and finally spoke out loud, even if it was still only at whisper level.
“Martinez… Jones, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry that I made the call I did that day. I’m sorry that I followed up on that lead. I was trusting my gut and the intel both, but they were wrong. I’d give anything if it had been me that day and not you. I’d give anything if I could take it all back, but we know that’s not how that happened.”
I took in a deep breath and rubbed at the back of my neck, trying to steady myself. The next part would be harder and this hadn’t exactly been a picnic to start with.
“Jimmy, brother, you were the best friend a guy could have wished for. You saved my ass so many times out there in the field, and when it mattered, I let you down. I couldn’t…” I choked up a little and forced my voice to stay level. I wasn’t going to lose it here. I was not. “I couldn’t save you the one time it really mattered. I’m so sorry I didn’t go to your funeral. I could have, but it didn’t seem possible. I didn’t want to drape a flag over an empty coffin because there weren’t enough pieces to bury. I didn’t want to give your family platitudes.”
The one monk in the temple eyed me but more with curiosity than anything else. I hoped I wasn’t being too loud and disturbing him. Then again, part of me was wondering if he spoke English, too, if he could follow my confessions.
Didn’t matter. Had to be said.
“But I’m making it right or trying to where I can. I promise you that your mom and dad are taken care of forever. Your sister is going to be able to go to any college she wants when it’s time. I’m taking care of them because I know you would be if you could, man.”
Standing up, I left the medal lying on the floor as I turned and strode back out to the vendors. I didn’t need it anymore.