I just fucked him without a condom.

What the actual fuck was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem. I haven’t been thinking at all when it comes to Rebel. Time and time again, I’ve let my dick make the calls, and while that’s usually not an issue for me, it seems to get me into a lot of trouble where Rebel is concerned.

“Troy, wait,” Rebel calls from his doorway, halting my progress down his hallway. “Get your ass back in here.”

Part of me wants to give him the finger and keep walking. He’s the one who lured me over here for a quick fuck, now he’s going to try to talk about our feelings or some shit again. I don’t know what makes me turn around and go back into his place, aside from the fact that I’ve obviously lost my ever-loving mind where Rebel is concerned.

I step back into his foyer and shut the door behind me. Tension radiates between us, vibrating and pulsing in the air all around.

“You want to smoke some weed?” I ask, grasping for anything to ease this unprecedented awkwardness between us.

“Sure.” Rebel points me to the living room and heads to the kitchen, I assume to get drinks or snacks.

I roll a joint and take a hit while I wait for him. And while I wait, I start to think about how fucked up things suddenly are between us. In the blink of an eye, this thing went from the best sex and most fun hanging out I’ve ever had, to an awkward fucking mess...pun intended.

“You fucked everything up,” I accuse Rebel when he returns with two sodas.

Rebel raises an eyebrow at me in question and holds out a hand for me to pass him the joint. “How do you figure that I fucked everything up?” he asks after he takes a hit and passes it back.

“Because everything was perfect until you decided to quit porn and declare your feelings for me or whatever.”

“I didn’t declare anything,” Rebel counters. “I told you I was stepping back from porn, that was it. You’re the one who freaked out and blew everything out of proportion.”

“Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me, more than just as friends with benefits?”

Rebel opens his mouth and then closes it again, his eyes filled with silent pleading. “No, I’m not saying that,” he mumbles after several strained seconds.

“This is total bullshit. You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game,” I complain, my chest almost too tight to breathe. “Now you’ve gone and ruined the best…” I trail off and shake my head at my shaking hands and strained voice.

“Nothing has to be ruined. Can’t you give this a chance between us? I know you’re scared—”

“You don’t know shit. What, just because I told you I was in foster care, now you think you know my whole life story?”

“Tell me then. I want to know your life story.” Rebel’s voice is pleading, almost desperate, and it only makes me want to scream at him. I want to fucking hit something, even if I learned the lesson too many times that violence isn’t the way to make anything better. I clench my fists, willing the shaking to stop.

“I don’t want to tell you. Don’t you get it?” I lash out.

Push him away now to save us both heartbreak later, that’s the best thing to do. It’s kinder to both of us. Even if it does feel like my heart is bleeding in my chest.

“I don’t believe you,” Rebel challenges, fixing me with a steady look. “You can throw a tantrum all you want, but when you’re done, I’m still going to be waiting here for you to realize that what we have is so much more than just a good fuck.”

“I can’t deal with this,” I stand abruptly. The walls feel like they’re closing in. I need to get out of here.

“Listen, I’m going to New York in two days with all the guys. We’re nominated for an award, and it’s a big deal. Why don’t you take a day to calm down and then come with me? We can explore New York and have fun like we did in Vegas.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Rebel looks like I kicked his puppy, and it makes me feel like complete dog shit.

“If you change your mind, the offer stands.”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it. I’d better get home.”  

“Yeah,” he nods and follows me to the front door to see me out. “By the way, I, and all the guys at the studio, take PrEP, so don’t worry about the condom fuck up.”

“Thank fuck for that at least.” I breathe out a sigh of relief. I almost lean forward to kiss him goodbye, but I stop myself at the last second and settle for an awkward head nod before booking it out the door.

Back at home, I crawl into bed fully clothed and pull the blankets over my head. I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself get attached to anyone ever again after Elise passed. And here I am, halfway in love with some gorgeous, adventurous, perfect man who’s bound to break my heart eventually.

Who am I kidding? My dumb ass is a lot more than halfway in love with Hendrix.

Maybe if I just hide out here under my covers, I won’t ever have to face this, and I won’t have to admit to Hendrix or myself that there’s nothing left of my heart to protect, since it’s already in his hands.

The only solution is to cut him off. I won’t go to New York. I won’t get tricked into another booty call. I’ll go completely cold turkey. And eventually, I’ll get over him, and he’ll get over me, and we’ll both be better off.