My mouth goes dry, and the only response I can offer is a slow nod.

Jackie’s hand flies up to cover her mouth, and her shoulders start to shake, tears streaming down her face. I squeeze Hendrix’s hand even tighter, and I catch him flinching out of the corner of my eye. I force myself to loosen my grip a fraction.

“Jackie, we were hoping you’d have a few minutes to talk? Or, if not now, maybe after your shift ends?” Hendrix asks in an even voice, and I swear I could kiss him.

“I can take a break,” she manages to say once she gets herself under control. “Have a seat at that booth, and I’ll bring us some coffee.”

When she steps away, I release a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

“How are you doing?” Hendrix asks, rubbing soothing circles on my back.

“Okay so far.”

He steers me over to the table Jackie pointed us toward, and we sit down. She returns a few minutes later with a carafe of coffee, and it looks like she’s gotten herself together a little better and dried her eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she says.

“That makes two of us,” I finally manage to croak out words. “I need to know why.”

Jackie nods with a resigned expression. “I was a shitty mom, kid, no two ways about it. Frank knocked me up when we were only seventeen, not even out of high school. My parents flipped out, told me I had to get an abortion. When I refused, they kicked me out. I regret a lot of things in my life, but I don’t regret that choice.”

I swallow around a lump in my throat and nod. My leg bounces under the table, and Hendrix reaches under to put a hand on my knee.

“Why not just give me up right away, then? Why keep me until I was six and then dump me?” Was I bad? Unlovable? Disposable?

“I wanted to do right by you. And at first, everything seemed like it might be okay. We weren’t going to be living the high life or anything, but Frank got a decent job, and we were a family. We used to take you on fun little outings every Sunday. We’d go to the zoo, the park, the arcade. Your little eyes just lit up when you saw all the colors and lights of all those games at the arcade.”

“I don’t remember any of that,” I admit.

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t. Well, in any event, things didn’t stay like that forever, as I’m sure you well know. I didn’t see the signs at first, but when we started coming up short for rent and groceries every month, I put the pieces together. I was so angry with Frank for getting mixed up in drugs, but when I confronted him, he made it sound kind of fun, like a nice little escape. I was a nineteen-year-old mother with no friends, a backbreaking job, and a husband who was rumored to be sleeping with half the girls on the block. A little reprieve sounded so nice.”

“Meanwhile, your kid sat alone in his bedroom wondering if his parents were coming home, and if they did, what state they’d be in. I never knew if you’d remember to feed me or leave me sitting in my own piss for a day and a half.”

Hendrix sucks in a surprised breath beside me, but Jackie doesn’t look surprised by my outburst.

“That’s why I had to do what I did. I was in too deep at that point. I kept telling myself I was going to get clean and do right by you, but every day that went by, I felt like more of a failure to you. I didn’t plan it ahead of time. I woke up that morning particularly lucid and sick to my stomach when I walked into your bedroom and noticed how skinny and dirty I’d let you become. I decided I was going to take you to the grocery store and get whatever you wanted and that I would turn things around. I knew you needed better than what I was giving you.

“We were sitting at a stoplight when I noticed the police station up ahead. And suddenly, I knew it was the only right thing I could do. I knew there had to be a better family out there for you, someone who could do right by you.”

I clear my throat and nod again. I try to surreptitiously wipe the moisture from the corner of my eyes, and if Hendrix and Jackie notice, they’re polite enough not to say.   

“When did you get clean?” I ask.

“I went into rehab that same week, but I relapsed a few times over the next eight years. When Frank died, that was just the wake-up call I needed. I’ll be eleven years sober next month.”

“That’s a long time,” I mumble, my leg starting to bounce again under the table. “You know I never was adopted? I had some foster families and then lived in a group home until I aged out of the system.”

“I didn’t know.” Jackie bows her head, and I hear her sniffle. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to look for you, but I was so sure you’d have been adopted by a wonderful family. And I was afraid you’d hate me. If I’m being honest, it was more the latter. I was selfish. I couldn’t stand the thought of looking into your eyes and seeing nothing but hatred.”

“I stopped hating you a long time ago,” I admit. “Elise told me this Buddhist saying that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.”

Jackie doesn’t ask who Elise was, and I don’t bother to enlighten her.

“I know I don’t deserve a second chance to be in your life, but I’d love the chance to get to know you.”

I chew the inside of my cheek and jerk my head noncommittally.

Hendrix’s breath tickles my cheek as he leans in. “If you need time to process, that’s okay. We can leave and make plans to talk to her again in the future,” he whispers in suggestion.

I glance over at Jackie to see her reaction to Hendrix’s overt display. She doesn’t seem fazed by it, so at least that’s one point in her favor.

“You have a new husband and daughters now. I don’t want to intrude.”

“You wouldn’t be. They know about you. I have your baby picture on my mantle, right next to my girls.”

Those words break the dam, and the tears have no choice but to flow freely down my cheeks. I turn and bury my face in Hendrix’s shoulder, allowing silent sobs to wrack my body. They both sit quietly until I pull myself back together.

“I’d like to exchange numbers and meet again,” I manage to say after a few minutes.

Jackie pulls a pen out of her apron and writes her number on a napkin, then slides it across the table to me. “Can you just tell me, do you have a good life?”

I glance at Hendrix, and my heart swells to nearly bursting. I think of my new friends and my degree I’ll soon be finished with. “Yeah, it’s really good.”

Jackie smiles and wipes her eyes. “Good, good. Now, I’d better get back to work. Call me any time. I can’t wait for you to meet my girls.”

“I’d like that,” I agree before giving her a brief hug.

“What do you say to a hotel room for the night? I think a hot bath and a handjob are in order,” Hendrix whispers as we head out of the diner toward his car.

“That sounds perfect, baby. Absolutely perfect.”