Chapter 8
It was a week past New Year when Rian, Liam, and Felicity finally returned, and they immediately noticed the change in Catherine. She had shrieked with delight to see the carriage come down the driveway, and despite the cold, had run out to greet them. She waved and jumped up and down, almost startling the horses as the carriage came to a stop. Felicity hugged her, an expression of amazement on her face, and the two exchanged looks as if each was the other’s long-lost sister. Liam, just as pleased with her noticeable improvement, opened his arms for a hug and kissed her on both cheeks.
“Good Lord, who is this imposter, and what has become of our Catherine?” he joked before turning and giving his brother a smug look. “I told you Oakhaven would be good for her.”
“And you were right,” Rian agreed without any outward sign of emotion.
Free of Liam’s embrace, Catherine turned and hesitated. She was shy about greeting Rian, but she need not have worried. His arms loaded with packages, he acknowledged her with nothing but a brief nod before moving past her into the house. Deflated by the cold indifference of his greeting, Catherine consoled herself by hugging Mrs. Hatch so hard, the woman was in danger of having all the breath forced out of her.
“There, there, lass!” She beamed when Catherine finally let her go. “I told you I would be back.”
And so Catherine spent the greater part of the day not with Felicity, but rather in the safety of the kitchen. Seated at the large kitchen table she listened to the warm, gossipy chatter about the wedding, and the difference between life at Oakhaven and life in the city. It seemed to Catherine that country living was much preferred by the staff. A sentiment she wholeheartedly agreed with.
Now the family had returned, Catherine realized she had eaten her last meal in the kitchen. She was expected to take her meals once more in the large formal dining room, and it was with some trepidation she entered the room at the appropriate time. Perhaps she would not find it such an ordeal with Felicity and Liam for company, but she was unsure how anyone was expected to conduct a normal conversation seated at a table so big. It was a pleasant surprise to find it was not quite so intimidating a prospect as she had first thought. Felicity had decided that instead of being spread out down the length of the large table, they should all be grouped closer together at one end. It certainly made for a cozier arrangement, and Catherine was grateful to find that she was next to Felicity, but across from Rian.
Unfortunately the seating arrangement did little to dispel the awkwardness of the ordeal. For the most part conversation between herself and Felicity and Liam flowed easily enough, but when Catherine found herself addressing Rian, he continued to act much as he had on his arrival. He answered the few general questions she dared ask in a brusque tone, and asked none of her. After excusing herself as soon as she could, Catherine escaped to the safety of her room, where, alone in her bed, she realized the only sensible thing to do was to not think about Rian Connor. It was obvious the little regard he had held for her no longer existed, and she could only assume Lady Howard was the reason for the change in him. Her feelings hurt, she cried herself to sleep.
* * * *
It had been snowing every day for almost two weeks and even in a house as large as Oakhaven, where it was easy enough to get lost among the maze of corridors, Catherine thought she would go mad if she didn’t get outside. Looking out of her bedroom window, she was grateful to see the sky had finally cleared and a pale wintry sun peeked through the clouds. It would be good to get outside, out of the house and away from Rian.
Conversing with him continued to be awkward, and he gave no indication that he wanted to rekindle the warmth that had flourished between them in London. She could not deny his manner was hurtful, and it only seemed to confirm her belief that his mistress was behind it. Catherine knew he had escorted Lady Isabel Howard to the wedding, and, though none said it, it made sense they must have seen each other while he remained in town.
Isabel’s ugly words rang in her ears: You’re nothing but a trollop. A doxie who has managed to wheedle her way beneath this roof with some ridiculous tale of woe in order to gain sympathy, and the hope of bettering her situation. Catherine was sure Lady Howard had successfully poisoned Rian against her. Nothing else made any sense.
A part of her wanted to confront Rian, and demand to be given the chance to defend herself. But she was terrified that he would simply laugh at her and walk away, and what would she do then? Her temper was unpredictable. The encounter with Isabel had shown her that. She had no way of being able to predict her reaction if she and Rian were ever alone together. Until she could be certain she would not make a complete fool of herself around him, she decided the only way to avoid an embarrassing confrontation was to avoid the man himself.
So she began playing a perverse game of hide-and-seek. If Rian entered a room, she would find a reason to leave. If she saw him in a hallway, she would duck into a room or alcove until she heard his footsteps pass by. But the longer the game continued the more attentive Rian became regarding her whereabouts. He seemed to know her destination and sought to be in the same room as she, as if by deliberate choice. But why he would do such a thing, she could not say.
The issue was further complicated by her desire to have Rian admit his reasons for bruising her feelings, and her yearning to throw herself into his arms in the fervent hope he would kiss her. With a shake of her head, Catherine scolded herself. She was being ridiculous. What she was feeling was nothing more than a young girl’s first romantic passion, which, given her circumstances, was not so unexpected. He had saved her life. But when she lay in bed at night what she felt was so much more than girlish infatuation. The sensual, erotic dreams she experienced were very adult, and she wondered if her response to Rian’s touch would, in reality, be the same as in her fantasies. In the pale light of day, would the desire she kept tightly leashed be loosed if he were to take her hand again? In her dreams she had no hesitation about wrapping herself around his muscular body, but then in her dreams he was more than eager to return her feelings.
Deciding she needed some crisp, cold air to clear her head, Catherine dressed warmly before making her way through the kitchen to see if Cook could spare a couple of apples or some carrots. She was long overdue for a visit to the stables, and she spent an hour visiting everyone, both those with two legs and those with four, and was delighted to hear that Will, the blushing stable hand who had wanted to know if Isabel was beautiful, had been given permission to court one of the housemaids. Catherine felt certain the peal of wedding bells would be heard before summer’s end. But now that the family was back and settled into their appointed roles at Oakhaven, she found an odd disquiet pulling at her. She had no place. No duties or responsibilities. What was expected of her?
Eternally grateful for the easy relationship she was developing with Felicity, Catherine knew she could never ask for a kinder, better friend. And she was also happy that Liam was equally as accepting of her unexpected intrusion in their lives. They asked nothing of her, and the one time she expressed a desire to contribute in some way, both Felicity and Liam stared at her with matching horrified expressions. Her sole task, they assured her, was to get completely well again.
Making her way back to the main house from the stables, she was halted by the sight of two sets of footprints in the fresh snow. The direction they took sent them away from the stables, in the opposite direction she herself had so recently walked. Her first inclination was to believe Liam and Felicity had decided to steal a moment away from the house and enjoy the majesty of the outdoors, but she quickly scolded herself for her foolishness. Both sets of footprints were far too large to belong to a woman, and the shape of each was that of a man’s boot.
It occurred to Catherine that if one set belonged to Liam, then the other most likely belonged to his brother, and for a brief moment she was mildly irritated. Until it occurred to her this could be an opportunity to turn the tables on Rian. Let him see how he liked having his day ruined by unwanted company. Following the footprints, she quickly found herself in a part of the grounds she had not yet explored. The snow was not too deep and the walk was a pleasant one, and, after climbing a small rise, Catherine came upon an unexpected sight. Nestled in the center of a group of majestic oak trees was a small chapel. The sight took her breath away and all thoughts of following Rian flew out of her head. This was obviously where the Connors came to worship, and it seemed the small church was now extending an invitation for her to do the same.
The building, elegant in its simplicity, had been constructed of stone to withstand the passage of time. Lifting the heavy iron ring that served as the doorhandle, Catherine was surprised when it swung open easily. Inside was a small stone font with a half-dozen plain wooden pews taking up the remaining space. Above the altar, flanked by two windows of clear glass, a stained-glass window captured her attention. It was quite an extravagance for a small family chapel, but it was the window’s subject that made Catherine pause. A dove with an olive branch in its beak was caught by the rays of the winter sun, splashing the walls with bright spots of color.
“The promise of a new beginning,” Catherine murmured. “How appropriate.”
She knelt at the altar rail, the corners of her mouth lifting at the sight of the snowy white cloth covering the raised dais, and the arrangement of winter evergreens decorating the altar. Recognizing Felicity’s touch, Catherine bent her head in prayer.
When her communication with God was over, she sat in the front pew, relishing the feeling of peace and tranquility that stole over her. Had attending church been a regular part of her past life? Catherine couldn’t remember, but the sense of comfort that now settled about her made her believe it must have been. A sensation so profound could only come from a strong foundation. She couldn’t speak for Liam, but she felt she already knew Felicity well enough to guess that, given a choice, her new friend would have much preferred to pledge herself in marriage in this small chapel. Perhaps their children would be christened and baptized here.
Having lost all sense of time, Catherine was startled by the sound of voices. She had left the chapel door open, and the cold air amplified the sound. Recognizing Rian and Liam, she went to the door with every intention of closing it, but the tone and volume of the conversation signaled the discussion was becoming heated. Catherine found herself caught in a terrible dilemma. She didn’t want to be accused of eavesdropping, but alerting them to her presence might not be the best idea. And, if she was honest, there was a secret part of her that wanted to know more about them. The relationship between the brothers fascinated her. She was constantly surprised by their easy interaction with one another, given the difference in their temperaments. Guiltily she remained by the open door, standing quite still and shamelessly eavesdropping.
“You must make your peace,” Liam urged in a voice filled with concern and exasperation.
“Why?” Rian’s retort was laced with bitterness. “You know he was never much of a father to me. Where was he when I needed guidance or sought the benefit of his wisdom and experience? All I was to him was an heir to carry on his precious name. I can’t do much about my birth, but I want nothing more to do with him.”
The sound of a stinging slap had Catherine’s hand flying to muffle the gasp that escaped her mouth.
“Now you listen to me.” Liam’s voice, thick with emotion, sounded rough and grating. “No man in the world could ever ask for a better brother, and I thank God every day of my life that he saw fit not only to give you to me in the first place, but to bring you back to me. You will never know a single moment’s peace in your life until you come to terms with the fact that your leaving was in no way responsible for Father’s death. It was not your fault then, and it is not your fault now.”
Catherine’s eyes opened wide. Rian thought he was responsible for his father’s death? How could that be?
“He did love you, Rian,” Liam continued. “He just didn’t know how to show it. Never doubt for a single moment that he was proud of all you accomplished.” The rough edge had vanished and the younger Connor now spoke in a softer tone.
“Did he know that we wrote to each other?” Rian asked, his own voice now the husky one.
“Aye. He never asked outright of course—you know that wasn’t his way—but I think it comforted him greatly knowing we had each other.”
“I don’t ever want to lose that, Liam.”
“And you never will.”
She heard the crunch of snow as one of them moved. She suspected it was Rian and she could picture him running his fingers through his hair. It was a mannerism she had noticed he adopted whenever he needed to think.
The silence lasted so long Catherine wondered if both men had actually moved on, but they could not have departed so quietly. Any movement would have been betrayed by the crunch of snow beneath their boots. Finally she heard Liam’s regulated tone again.
“Rian, if you cannot make your peace with Father, then at least speak with Mama. Ask her for guidance.”
“And on what subject do I require guidance?” Rian asked, sounding humorous.
“Do you really need me to answer that?”
Catherine felt her brows pull together, at a loss to know what could be troubling Rian.
“Are you questioning my choice, Liam?” Rian asked.
“I would never presume,” the younger Connor replied. “The question is, are you?” Hearing no verbal reply, Catherine could only assume Rian’s expression was sufficient response, especially as Liam continued, “Then perhaps it is another question you should be asking.”
“What other question is there?”
“How much you will risk to make Catherine aware of your desire for her?”
The air whooshed out of Catherine’s lungs, and her knees nearly buckled. Blindly she reached for the nearest pew and lowered herself shakily onto the seat. To know she was the topic of the discussion was mortifying, and it caused a hot, burning sensation to flush her cheeks. What was that old saying about those who eavesdrop never hearing good about themselves? She was about to find out how much truth there was in it.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what type of an ordeal she has been through,” Rian said, “or how difficult it must be for her knowing she has no memory of it.”
“Aye,” Liam agreed, “but something lingers. You can see the shadow of it in her face.” He paused before asking, “Do you suppose, if her memory does return, she will be able to come to terms with what happened?”
Rian made a sound that might have been a harsh laugh. “I have more confidence in her ability to face that particular horror than I do in her welcoming either my attention or affection.”
“Give her time.” Liam sounded sympathetic. “There is strength in Catherine that she has yet to discover.”
Certain that her heart had stopped working, or at the very least had definitely skipped a beat, Catherine pressed her hand to her mouth. Now Rian’s laugh was genuine and filled with warmth.
“I beg to differ, Liam. She may not know its full extent, but Catherine is aware of her strength. Don’t forget, she bested Isabel.”
“Aye, that she did.” Liam’s chuckle joined his brother’s, but when he spoke again his tone was grave. “Be careful, brother. When you fall, you fall hard. You know no other way. Talk to Mama; she will set you on your path.”