Chapter 9
Catherine felt terrible. Agonizing guilt overwhelmed her, and she sank to her knees asking God to forgive her transgression. The peace that had comforted her before was nowhere to be found, most likely because her mind was in such turmoil. This unexpected revelation of Rian’s changed everything. How could he admit to Liam that he had feelings for her, but still treat her with apathy and indifference?
A voice spoke crossly in her head. Foolish girl! How could you possibly know he’s being indifferent when you have refused to spend even one minute in his company?
But he hadn’t seemed happy to see her when he first returned. He’d barely acknowledged her presence.
And what did you expect him to do? Take you in his arms and declare his undying love for you?
What of your own behavior? How is he supposed to know that you would encourage any affection on his part when all you do is run away from him?
It was a pivotal question, but Catherine had no answer. Realizing she had spent almost every waking moment telling herself that she meant nothing to him, she now could not help but wonder if Rian had indeed been trying to let her know he felt the opposite. His apparent indifference upon his return from the city had been hurtful, but instead of giving him the chance to explain his change of attitude, she had supplied the reason for it herself, thus denying him the opportunity to explain. Was it any wonder he now believed she would not welcome his attention?
Catherine chewed her lip as she pondered her problem, and then a glow swept through her. Of course, she would ask Felicity! As a married woman, one courted by Rian’s brother, she would surely have some insight to share. The decision made, Catherine closed her eyes, and waited for the anxious pounding of her heart to settle. She wanted to be sure enough time had passed for Rian to have concluded his visit to the graveyard, so the chance of their paths crossing would be slim. Despite her desire to explore this new revelation, she still wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with Rian, face to face. At least, not just yet. A chill began to seep into her bones, telling her it was time to leave. She stepped out of the pew, genuflected, but as she turned away from the altar an involuntary gasp escaped her. Rian was seated in the last pew, watching her. Catherine might not think she was ready to face him, but it seemed fate had decided otherwise.
“Oh my goodness! You gave me a start,” she babbled, placing a hand on her chest. “I did not hear you come in.” She could feel the heat rise to her face, but hoped it would not be noticed in the chapel’s dim light.
“My apologies,” Rian said, getting to his feet. “You seemed deep in your devotions, and I did not wish to disturb you.”
“Then permit me to offer the same courtesy,” Catherine said, seizing the opening. “I will leave you to your solitude and prayers.”
“I have already said my prayers.” Placing his hand on the top of the adjacent pew, he effectively blocked her path. “And I have had enough solitude to last a lifetime.”
Catherine wondered how it was possible for her heart to remain confined inside her chest when his gaze was so singularly focused. “I beg your pardon?” she murmured. Rian had spoken, but she had not heard his words.
“I asked if you would care to take a walk with me.”
It crossed her mind to refuse him. Though there were no rules stopping her from being with him, Catherine wasn’t certain she should accept his invitation. She wasn’t ready for this.
Idiot! How many more chances do you suppose he will give you?
“Thank you. That would be…nice.” The hesitancy in her response made it seem as if she was questioning his motives. It’s only a walk, she told herself, allowing a thrill of hope to run through her.
But Rian had heard the wariness in her tone, and he frowned. “If you would rather not—” he began.
“No, a walk would most invigorating.”
“Invigorating?”
“I’m fine, perfectly fine, and I can manage a walk.” Especially with you as my companion.
Taking a deep breath, Catherine placed her hand on the arm he held out to her. A familiar throbbing ache rose, answering the question of how she would react at his touch. She wondered if she would always experience this sensation whenever she touched him. Opening her eyes she saw that Rian was looking at her intently, as if trying to read her thoughts, but then he covered her smaller hand with his and escorted her from the chapel.
Once outside, he steered her on a new path, one that led away from the great house. Their route skirted the thick tree line that acted as a natural boundary between the Connor and Pelham properties. Virginal snow crunched beneath their boots and their breath became puffs of white smoke on the frigid air. Rian made no attempt at conversation. He seemed content to enjoy the silence, and, for her part, Catherine was uncharacteristically struck dumb. Terrified she would say the wrong thing and make him regret his invitation, she remained mute. Rian was a grown man who had experienced the world, while she had lived a sheltered life. Or so she assumed. How on earth was she supposed to confess that she also was consumed with feelings for him? Feelings she desperately wanted to share.
* * * *
Outwardly Rian may have been a picture of calm steadiness as they walked, but inside he was a churning river of battered emotions. Kneeling at his mother’s grave had brought no insight, until he entered the chapel, and was startled to find Catherine deep in prayer. His mother, it seemed, had been listening after all. Inviting Catherine to walk with him had been an act of pure impulse, and he’d fully expected her to refuse. But her acceptance now filled him with a cautious optimism. The last thing he wanted to do was to frighten her with a declaration of affection.
He estimated the difference in their age to be possibly as great as fifteen years, which meant nothing to him. Indeed, many would consider such a span an asset to a relationship, but Catherine might think him too old. A man in his midthirties might seem positively doddering to a girl perhaps not yet in her twenties. Everything about her made him believe she lacked any true worldly experience, and sadly, the one encounter she had known had been a brutal one. There was no way to know if she would ever allow him, or any other man for that matter, to show her that physical affection between a man and a woman wasn’t supposed to be like that.
Movement at the wood’s periphery caught his attention and he stopped walking. Turning to Catherine, he put a finger to his lips and then pointed. Just beyond the boundary of the trees stood a large stag. If Rian had not pointed him out to her, Catherine would never have noticed the creature against the camouflage of trees. Taking a few bold steps into the open, the magnificent animal stopped to survey his surroundings. Raising his head, he sniffed the air.
Clutching Rian’s arm, Catherine stood on tiptoe. Unaware that her breath tickled Rian’s cheek, she whispered, “Do you think he knows we are here?”
“I don’t think so,” he replied, feeling her press herself closer to his side.
The stag began pawing the ground, clearing away the newly fallen snow with his hoof and then he lifted his head, a signal to those behind him. More deer emerged from the cover of the trees and Catherine gave a little gasp before quickly covering her mouth with her hand. Like a good protector, the stag stood vigilant as the rest of his herd nibbled on the winter grass he had uncovered. Rian could almost feel the disappointment flowing through Catherine as the herd began to meld back into the trees, the stag being the last to vanish.
“They will return,” Rian assured her, seeing the dejected look on her face.
She brightened at once. “When? Tomorrow?”
“Possibly.”
“May we return then and see if they do?” Her eagerness was infectious.
“If it would please you,” Rian said.She turned her head and started to stamp her feet on the ground in order to get the blood moving again. Rian cursed under his breath as he suddenly realized how cold the air had turned. And how foolish it was for him to keep her out here.
“I must get you back before you take a chill,” he said in an authoritative voice, reaching for her arm.
Like a recalcitrant child, Catherine took a step back, the look on her face clearly telling him she cared little for his tone. “I’m not going to take a chill,” she told him testily. “I am dressed warmly and my health is very much improved. Something I’m surprised you’re not already aware of.” Was he no longer receiving reports on her health from Mrs. Hatch or Tilly?
“And whom was I supposed to ask?” Rian countered, answering her unasked question. “You?”
“Of course. How else do you suppose you will discover anything that is useful?”
“That would be difficult when you’re always leaving the room,” he pointed out.
He hadn’t meant to embarrass her, but it appeared he had. Turning on her heel, Catherine stomped angrily along the path, leaving Rian to stare after her.
She was in the wrong and she knew it. The fault was not his. There was no reason to suppose the housekeeper or maid would continue to update him on her progress. Feeling Rian’s eyes as he continued to stare after her, Catherine knew he was waiting for an apology. She sighed. It was the mature thing to do. It was the right thing to do.
“I’m sorry,” she told him, when he caught up to her. “That was both rude and very unfair of me, and you didn’t deserve either.”
“No,” Rian agreed amiably. “I did not.”
This time he did not offer her his arm, and she was not bold enough to take it. Instead their journey continued without speaking and also without touching. They took a circuitous route and, after topping a small rise, Catherine found herself looking down at the rear of Oakhaven. The house looked like something out of a fairy tale nestled on a pillow of snow with more of the same covering the roof and leaving drifts in each of the windows. The late morning sun broke through the clouds highlighting the perfection of the grand building, making it sparkle like a precious gem.
“I have always preferred the view of the house from this situation,” Rian murmured, apparently deciding to say nothing more about her outburst. He walked a few paces in front of her and then turned. Their progress was going to take them down a small incline. “The path can be a little treacherous,” he explained, holding out his hand to her.
They had taken less than a half-dozen steps before his words proved prophetic; his foot slipped on a patch of ice hidden by a thin covering of snow. But even as he lost his balance he did not release his grip on Catherine. Instead, Rian pulled her closer to him, holding her tightly as they tumbled down the hill, landing with a resounding whump at the bottom of the slope. For a few moments neither of them did anything but steady their breathing. Rian had managed to ensure that he was the one who landed on his back, with Catherine atop him, and he could feel the pressure of her hands as she gripped the lapels of his coat.
Somehow her bonnet had fallen off during the course of their wild descent. Now her white-blond hair tumbled about her face. Keeping one arm firmly about her waist, Rian brushed the hair from her face with the other.
“Catherine, are you all right? Are you hurt anywhere?” he asked, his concern evident.
Slowly she opened her eyes. Brilliant and blue, they danced with a wild exhilaration as she stared down at him. “Do you think—is it possible—can we do that again?”
“I’m not sure my old bones could take another tumble like that,” Rian told her with a grin.
“Pish. You’re not that old!”
Her expression suddenly turned serious as she studied his face. Her gaze traced the creases in his forehead, the fine lines marking the corners of his eyes, the grooves bracketing his mouth. She seemed mesmerized by his high cheekbones, the strong jaw and stubborn chin with its hint of shadowy whiskers. Catherine had no way of knowing that the bright cornflower blue of her eyes had deepened, becoming a darker, richer color. But she felt the unexpected heat in her cheeks as her gaze was drawn to his mouth. Rian’s lips were slightly parted, and she felt the warmth of his breath on her face and saw the even, white teeth behind the sensuous curve of his lips. It was temptation and distraction combined in one, and savoring the feel of his body as he held her, the delicious tightness of the arm that imprisoned her, she closed her eyes tightly…and kissed him.
To say Rian was surprised would have been a marked understatement. The softness of Catherine’s lips as she pressed her firmly closed mouth against his amazed him. Unfortunately the kiss was over before he had time to appreciate it as she jerked her head away, burying her face in his shoulder, refusing to look at him.
In itself, her kiss told him nothing at all, but its execution told him everything he wanted to know. Reaching up with his free hand, he gently stroked her hair, waiting patiently for her to raise her head and look at him once more. After a few moments she did so, and Rian noted her face was now a delightful shade of pink.
“I-I don’t know why I did that,” she stammered.
“Yes, you do,” Rian told her. “You did it because you wanted to.”
“You must think me terribly forward.”
“Must I?” Continuing to stroke her hair, he asked, “Would you be disappointed if I chose not to?”
“You’re not shocked by what I did?”
“Shocked?” Rian arched a brow. “No, but I am surprised.”
“Oh.”
He didn’t know it was possible for such a small word to carry so much anguish.
“Did you like kissing me?” He made no attempt to move, keeping his arm firmly around her waist, and enjoying the feel of her lying on top of him.
“Mmmm, well…” She wrinkled her nose. “It really wasn’t how I thought it would be.” Her head sought the comfort of his shoulder again, and she worried she had hurt his feelings by saying the wrong thing.
“Catherine, look at me.” Rian’s voice was a low, warm, seductive whisper in her ear. Hesitantly she obeyed, and now her heart began to pound wildly. She felt as if she were prey, only she had to wonder, how often did prey want to be caught by the hunter? “Have you ever been kissed?” Rian asked her.
“I don’t know. Perhaps. I’m not sure.”
“Well, is that how you think a kiss is supposed to feel?”
She had no idea, but as the question was being asked she reasoned perhaps there was more to kissing than the way she had pressed her mouth against Rian’s. Although what else could possibly be involved she couldn’t begin to imagine. With nothing else to go on, she nodded in answer to Rian’s question, only to wince when he sighed in exasperation.
“Would you like me to kiss you?” he asked.
She didn’t answer because she didn’t trust her voice, but Rian read the response in her eyes easily enough. Framing her face with his hands, he pulled her down to him and gently covered her mouth with his. Catherine would never know how much self-control it took for him not to simply take her. Taste all that she had to give, and let himself become lost in her. Instead, he kept his kiss light, his tongue gently sweeping over her closed lips, and when he felt her beginning to surrender to him so he could taste the sweetness of her breath, he stopped and lifted his mouth from hers.
Her eyes had turned glassy, her voice husky with desire as she asked, “Is it always like that?”
“No, it usually gets better.”
“It does?” She positively glowed at his nod. “Then…will you kiss me again?”
Burgeoning desire overcame any feelings of impropriety, and now it was Rian’s turn to have breathing difficulties as he felt his heart lurch in his chest. “Yes, I will,” he finally managed to say, but as Catherine closed her eyes and pursed her lips he continued, “but only when you are ready.”
Her eyes flew open and she stared at him. A challenge flickered in the blue depths. It was enough for Rian to tell himself she would be all kinds of delicious trouble when she was riled.
“I’m ready now.”
“No, you’re not,” Rian disagreed with a chuckle. Smoothing the hair from her cheek, he became serious. “When I kiss you again, Catherine, it will be because you will ask me to.”
“But forgive me, did I not just do so?”
“Yes,” he admitted, “but you’re not ready to be kissed the way you should be. Not ready to be kissed the way I want to kiss you.”
Confusion clouded her features. “And how is that?”
“The way a lover should kiss you.”
“A lover?”
Rian prayed he had not overstepped the boundary between them.
But then Catherine’s eyes became dreamy, and her voice wistful. “And when will I be ready for a lover?”
“You will know,” he murmured, seeing the promise of what was to come shine in her eyes. “Trust me, you will know.”
“And is it you who will assume such a role?”
Her question was something he would have expected from a more experienced woman. But there was no guile in her inquiry, only honest and open curiosity.
“Only if you ask it of me.”
Rian’s voice was almost unrecognizable to his own ears, and realizing they were both slipping toward a point where restraint was in danger of being surrendered, he gently rolled Catherine off him. Reluctantly he got to his feet, and holding out a hand, helped her stand. It occurred to him he could easily tumble her once more. Her face said she would offer no resistance because she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
It would all be so easy, so pleasurable, and so very wrong.
Letting go of her hand, he retrieved her bonnet from where it lay in the snow and handed it back to her. With emotions riding high, neither trusted themselves enough to link arms. So they continued their journey back to Oakhaven without touching, but now completely connected. And each relishing the small miracle they had been granted.