Chapter Fourteen
Mason
Seven days old
I sighed, leaning back against the cool cushions. I was so fucking tired. Today had been the hardest day of my life. Laying both my father and M Kat to rest was gut-wrenching. But it had brought me a small amount of closure. The initial shock had officially worn off. My parents were gone. I needed to learn to live without them. And I had no fucking clue how to do that.
“So. What’s up, guys?”
Jackson Cole and Lexi Conner, two of the people in charge of my current career, and possible future with RiffRaff Records. Lexi sat forward. “Mace, we just want you to know that we are here for you. For whatever you need, whatever you decide, we are behind you one hundred percent.”
“I appreciate that.” And I did. I just didn’t have the energy to jump up and down and give out any more hugs.
She continued, “Mason, you are a really talented artist. We all know that.” She took a deep breath. “The thing about being an artist is, it’s part of who you are. It’s in you. It’s your makeup. After I had Halen, I lost myself in her, in being a parent.” I noticed she hadn’t said mom, like she was trying to spare my feelings. No such luck, it still made my chest ache. “So much so that I misplaced a piece of who I was before I had her. I felt unfulfilled. And I felt guilty about feeling that way when I had this beautiful baby that needed me.”
“I don’t think postpartum depression is something I’ll need to worry about, Lexi.” Was it? Did guys get that? The person I would ask, the person who would laugh at my question, was gone. I’d never get to ask M Kat anything ever again. Like, why did you think I was good enough to parent my sister? Why did you ever think I could do this? Why did you believe in me so damn much?
“What I’m saying is that you can’t give up who you are. It’s not good for you, and in the long run it won’t be good for Katie either. She needs you whole and happy. Giving up music, it’ll take its toll.”
I scratched the back of my head. “I’m not giving up my music.” I couldn’t. I’d been making music since I was six years old. I wouldn’t know how to survive without it. It’d be like losing a vital organ. “You don’t ever have to worry about that.”
“Good.” Lexi nodded once. She stood and placed a kiss on my head. “We’re here for you, Mason, all of us. Please don’t hesitate to reach out, anytime day or night.” She placed her hand lightly on Katie’s back. “You’re turn, Jacks. I’ll be waiting in the car.”
After she shut the door I raised an eyebrow. “What are we talking about that Lexi felt the need to leave? I’ve already had the birds and the bees lecture.” I gestured to the bassinet. “And I know what unprotected sex leads to.” I was trying to make light of the situation. Of the fact that I had people in my home trying to give me asinine pep talks hours after I’d buried my parents.
Jacks chuckled. “Careful, man. Protected sex leads to that too, just ask Dash.”
That got a smile out of me. Which was rare these days, unless you counted all those times I couldn’t help myself where Katie and Payton were concerned. “What’s up then?”
“I’ll never be able to understand what you’re going through, Mace. No one will.” He leaned forward, putting his forearms on his thighs. “Ask for help.” He gestured down the hallway, where Payton had disappeared a few minutes ago. “Payton’s great, and she obviously cares about both you and Katie. If she offers, let her help you. Let her be there for you. This isn’t something you’ll be able to do on your own. Writing, recording, touring…none of that is conducive to raising a child. It’ll take a team of people. Fine yourself a good team, a good family.”
I wanted to scream in his face. I’d had a family, a fucking fantastic one. For the first time in my life, I’d felt whole. I had a father, and a mother, a baby sister on the way. My music career had taken off, and I was making it on my own. And without my dad’s name to get me there. My life was golden. And then, in the span of thirty seconds, it’d crashed. Now here I was, twenty-two years old with a child to raise, and RiffRaff Records in my living room giving me motivational speeches on the day I’d put my parents in the ground. Fuck that, I’d handled all I could.
“Look, I really appreciate the advice and you two coming all the way out here—”
“But?”
“But I’d like you to get the fuck out of my house. It’s been a long-ass week and I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around my next steps.” I walked over to my front door and held it open, inviting him to leave. “When I’m ready to restart my tour, you’ll be the first to know.”
Jacks took one more look at Katie and then walked toward me, a sad smile on his face. “We only came here to offer our support. Our experience.”
I nodded without looking him in the eye. “Today’s not the day, man.” I’d buried my parents. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, praying this was all one really vivid nightmare. “I’ll be in touch.” I shut the door behind him, throwing the lock in place and leaning back against it. I banged my head on the solid oak a few times, willing myself not to cry, to hold it together.
“Mason?” Payton was standing in the living room wearing shorts and a tank top. Her hair was braided down one side and her hands were on her slender hips. She looked so damn good. For the first time since I’d brought Katie home, I was looking at Payton with something other than affection and appreciation on my mind. It was wrong to want her. It was wrong to be thinking about sex today. I felt guilty for wanting to feel something other than this pain gripping my chest.
Today, on the second saddest day of my life, I was drooling at the site of the only person I trusted in this world. I was an idiot, a selfish prick. “Stay with me tonight.”
She furrowed her perfectly shaped brows. “Yeah, of course, I’d already planned on it.” She looked over at the basinet. “Katie will be up in about an hour, ready to eat, so I’ll just hang out here with her so you can get some sl—”
“No.” I walked toward her, my body on autopilot, taking its commands from the warring emotions in my brain. “Stay, with me.” When she opened her mouth to argue I cut her off again. “We’ll put Katie in my room, she can’t sleep in the living room forever.” After I’d finally crossed the room to Payton, I placed my hands on her face. “Stay with me, Payton. Please?”
I could see the conflict in her eyes. And I couldn’t even blame her. This was dangerous territory. I needed her. At this point, I’d never survive without her. She was my best friend and she was the only soft voice Katie knew. The only one who could calm her late at night, the only one who could get her to burp without spitting up everywhere. Payton was all Katie knew of a mother’s love.
And me wanting more from her? I couldn’t honestly tell you where that was coming from. My pain. My loneliness. My fear. And that was a dangerous problem to have, for all of us. I wasn’t ready to settle down, I’d told my dad that mere weeks ago. But here I was playing house. Asking the dream girl to risk it all because I was lonely.
You never know what the future might bring, punk.