Chapter Thirty-seven
Payton
Fifteen weeks and three days old
“Will you go to dinner with me?”
“Nope.” I was sitting on the patio in a lounge chair, Katie’s baby monitor beside me. She was a big girl these days, napping in her crib. I didn’t bother opening my eyes when I felt Mason sit down next to me. I was really hoping that he’d spend the rest of the day in that closet, hiding from me. I’d said some harsh things. True, but harsh. And I’d pretty much told him there was no chance for us, so I had no idea why he was out here asking me out.
“I really think we need to get out of this house and talk, Payton.”
I snorted. “Really? That’s weird, I said everything I needed to say earlier when we were in the closet.” And then I’d cried for an hour straight. Because I felt bad for hurting him, and I hated myself for still caring.
“We’re going to be living in the same house again, raising Katie.”
“It’s a big place, we can coexist. We’ll schedule things out, via email, since I know you aren’t a big fan of texting these days.” I was acting like a scorned chick, something I’d never done in my whole life.
“It’s not that big of a house, Payton.”
I turned to him, shielding my eyes even though I was wearing big black shades. “Then we’ll build you a little casita on the other side of the property.” I smiled sweetly and moved my face back toward the sun. I wanted to ask about the red mark on his cheek, but since I was trying to care less, I didn’t.
“I’m not asking you to fuck me—”
Mason’s head whipped forward when Paxton walked behind him and smacked it on the way to the next chair over. “Don’t talk about my sister like that.”
“You’re right. My bad.” I was surprised when Mason didn’t jump up and get in Paxton’s face for hitting him. And I was even more surprised that Pax was choosing to be out here, sharing space with Mason. “Payton. It’s just dinner.”
I sighed and got to my feet. “I understand that ‘no’ is not a word you hear all that often. Lord knows, I didn’t ever say it enough. But I’m saying it now. No.”
“We need to figure out this co-parenting thing with Katie, you know we do. Right now she can’t feel the tension, but someday soon she will. I know you don’t want that for her, and neither do I.”
In my mind my jaw was on the floor. He’d called us co-parents. He’d referred to himself, and to me, as Katie’s parents. And he wasn’t sweating or scratching at imaginary hives.
I glanced past him to my brother. He rolled his eyes like he was annoyed with both of us. “Just go to dinner with him so he’ll stop whining like a little bitch.”
I sighed, shaking my head slightly. “Fine. One dinner to figure out how we’ll go forward with Katie. As long as Pax can watch her tonight.”
“I can watch her until around ten.”
Mason raised an eyebrow. “You got a date?”
“For the last time, dates that start at ten o’clock at night aren’t dates.” What was it with guys? You know what else didn’t count as a date? Breakfast. “But that’s fine, we won’t be long anyway.”
***
“You ready?” I came walking out of my room around six-thirty. I wanted to get this stupid dinner over with as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to sit across from Mason while he looked handsome. I didn’t want him to make me smile or say sweet things.
I didn’t want to forgive him.
Ever.
I headed straight for the door, getting my keys out of my purse.
“You look amazing, Payton.”
“Thanks.” He did too. But I wasn’t going to admit it. He was wearing some dark jeans and a soft, faded-looking button down. His hair was messy, but in that on purpose kind of way.
“Do you want me to drive?” We were both standing in front of my car, the car that he’d bought for Katie and me. The giant Mercedes SUV really was a dream. Did letting him drive send the wrong message? Would he take that as a step in the right direction? “I’m offering to drive, Payton. Nothing more.”
I tossed him the keys and made sure to frown the whole time he was opening my door for me. “Thank you.” I was trying to be tough, but I wasn’t an ingrate.
“Do you like the car? I wasn’t sure what you would want and—”
“You could have just called and asked me.” That was bitchy, but it felt good.
“And you would have told me that you didn’t need a new car. That there was nothing wrong with yours.”
I sighed, looking out the window. He was probably right. “It’s perfect for Katie. You did a good job.”
We rode the rest of the way in silence. And it was not the comfortable silence we used to share. The easy kind where words would just get in the way of the peacefulness. When we pulled up to the restaurant, a valet came around and opened my door, helping me out. He was cute and he smiled at me. But I got nothing. No butterflies, no chills. Nada. Which was why I hadn’t been on a date since Mason left. He’d ruined me for all other men. No one would ever make me feel the way he did, and I pretty much hated him for it.
After we were seated, and I had a glass of wine in front of me, I clasped my hands on the table. “You wanted to discuss Katie, so let’s discuss.”
“First, I just wanted to thank you for taking care of her while I was gone. I know that you rearranged your whole life to do that. So thank you.” He took a sip of his whiskey and I tried not to remember the way his lips would taste after he had a glass.
“I didn’t do it for you. I did it for Katie.” That was mostly true. In the beginning I’d taken the leave of absence for both of them. We were a team and I thought he’d go on tour, come home to us, and we’d live happily ever after. When he extended? I stayed for Katie, and Katie only.
He nodded, but left my comment alone. “Like I said, I want you to stay. I’d never ask you to leave Katie. You’ve been with her from the beginning, you’re all she knows, Payton.”
I’d cried in relief when he’d told me that he had no intention as asking me to go. Of raising Katie without me. And I was tearing up again, just hearing that I’d never have to leave her. I’d lain awake for hours last night thinking about what all this meant. What Mason being home would mean for me. “I want paperwork drawn up. I mean, I’m not asking you to sign your rights away. I just want some rights too. I don’t know how that works or even if it can…But I want to talk to some lawyers.”
“Payton, there is no need for that. I already told you—”
“And I don’t really have a lot of trust when it comes to you, Mason.” I was biting my lip, trying to keep my emotions in check.
“Okay. I’ll contact my attorneys and see if there is anything we can do.”
I took a piece of bread out of the basket in front of me, tearing it into tiny pieces because I was hungry. And extremely at odds with myself. I hated that he was being so nice, so accommodating. “Why now, Mace? Why did you come home early? Why are you letting my brothers stay?”
“Leaving you the way I did? That was my first mistake. I should have never run away from you. If I could take it all back, I’d have never walked out the door. Fuck the label, and fuck the tour. Not calling you, keeping my distance? That was about preservation, mine and yours. I missed you both so much every day. I knew that if I heard your voice I’d lose it. I’d come home or I’d self-destruct, and I wasn’t sure which option would win. Extending the tour? That was all about my fear. My uncertainty about whether you’d let me come home. That you’d still care, still want me after what I’d done.”
I didn’t want his words to affect me. I didn’t want the emotion in his voice to make my heart ache. I didn’t want to believe his apologies, his regrets. “Like I said, why now?”
“I was nothing without you and Katie. I became a shell of the guy I used to be. I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve you and Katie, and then I spent every night proving it was true.”
“You cheated.”
“No. Not ever, not once. I did not cheat on you, Payton, I swear. The thought never even crossed my mind.”
I shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, when it really was. “I mean, I guess cheated isn’t the right word anymore. We aren’t together, so really you could have done whatever you wanted.” I hadn’t meant to use that stupid word in the first place. It wouldn’t have been cheating, we broke up the second he stopped calling.
“In my mind, in my heart, it would have been. To me, it was still you. It’ll always be you, Payton. You are my best friend. You are the…”
“Was. I was your best friend, Mason.” I straighten the napkin in my lap. I couldn’t hear anymore. I refused to let him break down my walls when he was the reason they’d been put up in the first fucking place. “We came here to discuss co-parenting. So let’s do that.”