Chapter Thirty-two
Mason
The crowd went fucking wild when I almost fell headfirst off the stage. I was wasted. I played all my shows drunk off my ass these days. The audience loved it. It wasn’t like I was forgetting the words to my songs or anything. I just went on stage with a full bottle of liquor, and when the show was over I’d toss the empty one out into the crowd. A souvenir.
I knew everyone from RiffRaff was waiting for me backstage. You’d think I’d have stayed semi-sober for them. Nope. Not a fucking chance. Sober hurt too much. Sober made me think of Katie and Payton back at home. The two most beautiful girls in the world, and I’d abandoned them both because I was a fucking coward. Because I was afraid.
I opened the door to my dressing room and eight pairs of eyes stared back at me. RiffRaff, the Austin branch at least, was operated by the family that owned it. The Devil’s Share, and their wives, were involved in every aspect of the company. Which meant they were all meddlesome pricks in my opinion. Always so concerned, always with an opinion.
“To what do I owe this pleasure? All of you? In my dressing room? I must be one special little boy.”
No one laughed.
Harlow crossed her arms over her chest. She was really pretty. Hell, all the wives were. Like one giant runway show. “Mason, I think you need a break. We’re all worried about you, you almost passed out on that stage tonight.”
I scoffed. “The crowd loves it.” And they did. The more messed up I was, the higher my sales went. People were fucking crazy. “I’m just tired. I need a few days off to rest and then I’ll be fine.” I spewed the same shit I’d been telling her and Luke for the past five weeks. I knew they’d regretted extending my tour.
Lexi raised an eyebrow. “Fine? You haven’t been fine since this tour started up again. You left your world back in Texas and I think it’s causing some—”
“It’s not like I left my wife and child at home. Geez. I left the glorified nanny I was fucking and my baby sister.”
Whack! My head whipped to the side. I placed my palm on my cheek, loving the burn from Lexi’s hand. At least I was feeling something other than sadness. Even if it was pain.
Dash stepped forward. “Kitten.”
She held her hand up, stopping him. “No. He deserved that, and it was a long time coming.” She turned to face me, no apology in her attractive green eyes. Not that I expected one. She’d been against me extending the tour from the second she’d heard about it. “What in the holy hell has gotten into you? We needed you to finish your tour, not spend the first year of Katie’s life on the road. You need to wake the fuck up and fix the mess that has become your life. Your music is suffering. Half the road crew has up and quit. You’re a fucking drunk disaster. And now, a liability.” She shook her head, obviously more than fed up with me. “You know what? I’m done, this tour is over.”
I laughed. I wasn’t sure why but it seemed goading her, letting her see she didn’t scare me, was all I had at the moment. “I make you money, lots of it. And you don’t have the authority to just cancel the damn tour. I still have two weeks’ worth of dates left.”
Luke cocked his head, studying me like I was a stranger. “Yeah, she sure the hell does have the authority. And you think all that matters to us is money? You’re dead wrong, man.”
“You’re joking, right?” They wouldn’t actually cancel my tour. They couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to go home. I didn’t even know if I had a home left at this point. It’d been over a month since I’d talked to Payton.
“Nope. Serious as hell.” Lexi grabbed my jacket off the back of a chair and tossed it to me. “You’re done, pack your shit. You just bought yourself a one-way ticket home. You better hope Payton lets you in the damn door.”
My eyes jerked to Lexi’s face. I hadn’t heard anyone speak Payton’s name out loud in weeks. Unless you could count me. Because I dreamed of her every damn night. “You’ve talked to Payton?” The only contact I had with her was the pictures she sent me of Katie. Every single one of those pictures was saved on my phone. And every time a new one came through, I’d pray like hell that Payton would be in it too.
She never was.
Lexi looked over at Jacks. “We talk to her.”
I followed her gaze to see him staring at me. More than contempt in blazed in eyes that zeroed in on me as he sneered. “I talk to her at least once a week. You stopped calling to check on your sister, but we never did. They’re good by the way, both of them.” He perused me up and down, and I tried to act like I wasn’t ashamed of what he saw. He shook his head as they all filed out.
Harlow was the last one out the door. She turned with her hand on the knob. “You need to get yourself together, Mason. RiffRaff isn’t the same label it used to be. Money isn’t all that matters anymore, and we won’t let you destroy yourself in the name of rock and roll.”
When the door shut behind her, I turned up a fresh whiskey bottle. I literally wanted to pass out. I didn’t want to think about going home. I didn’t want to feel the fear, feel the uncertainty. If I thought I didn’t deserved Payton when I’d left, I sure as fuck didn’t deserve her now.
I’d abandoned her.
***
I woke to sunlight streaming in my face and someone pounding on the door of my tour bus. I stumbled down the hall, shielding my eyes from the bright light of day. Fuck, my head was pounding. When I opened the door, I let out a loud groan that didn’t make the pain any better. “What now? Didn’t shit on me enough last night?”
“You were wasted last night. I wanted to make sure I could shit on you when you were sober enough to remember it.” Jackson Cole walked through the door, his nose wrinkled. “It fucking reeks in here, bro.”
I shrugged. “I probably puked at some point.”
Jacks peered down the hallway. “Any chicks back there? If so, kick them out.”
“There is no one else here.” There had never been anyone else here. Payton was the last girl I’d been with. Not for lack of trying on the groupies’ part, but from lack of desire on mine.
No one compared to Payton, no one made me crave the way she did. No one made me feel the way she did.
“What do you want, Jacks?”
“Well, for starters I want you to pull your pretty little head out of your ass.” He leaned over and opened a couple of windows. “This isn’t you, man. This drinking yourself into oblivion, avoiding your life? You’re better than that.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You climbed your way to the top on talent alone, you refused to use your father’s last name to get a leg up. And now you’re throwing it all away. All your talent, your reputation, your family.”
I clenched my jaw. “My family is dead.”
“No they aren’t.” He shook his head, disappointment written all over his face. “Your family is who you make it, Mason. Your parents? You’re right, they’re gone. But Katie? Payton? They’re still here. They are still alive. You can hold them. You can kiss them. Why are you wasting that? You of all people know how precious life is, how quickly it can be taken from you.”
“Katie needs Payton, and if I’d have stayed—”
“If you’d have stayed, what? What would have happened? You’d have fallen for her? You’d have hurt her? What are you so fucking afraid of? What are you running from?”
“I would have screwed it up. I’m broken. I don’t deserve a girl like Payton. I could never make her happy. Hell, I couldn’t even call her my girlfriend. How fucking pathetic is that? I’d never be able to give her the life she deserves. I’d lose her, and if I lost her, then so would Katie.” That had been my thought when I’d left eleven weeks ago, and it was still in my head today.
“You have a woman and baby at home who love you. They’re there, waiting for you to come through that door.”
“I can guarantee you that Payton isn’t sitting around hoping I’d come home. And Katie isn’t my baby.”
“Oh yeah? Whose baby is she? Is she Payton’s? You willing to give her up? You willing to sign away your rights to your kid because you’re too scared to love them both? Too scared to lose them?”
I knew my face was red. I knew he could tell I was close to tears. I also knew he wasn’t going to back down. He wanted a fight? He wanted to play holier than thou? Fine. “Katie is not my kid. She’s my dad’s and M Kat’s. I’m just a weak substitute. I’m not good enough for either of them. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be a good parent. Hell, the only good example I had was ripped away from me.” I was screaming by that point. “You’d never understand.”
He chuckled, rubbing his eyebrow with a fingertip. “I’d never understand? Really? I’m probably one of the only people in your life that even halfway gets it.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t believe him but my throat was sore from all the singing, whiskey, and yelling.
“Two years ago a social worker showed up at my front door with my nine-year-old daughter.”
I knew Jacks had a kid, and I knew that he hadn’t been in her life in the beginning, but I didn’t know how it’d happened. The media pretty much portrayed him as some deadbeat dad that finally decided to show up.
“She had been neglected, she’d been tossed aside. She was afraid of adults, afraid to trust anyone. My life was turned on its ass, man. You think you’re a playboy? I’ve gotten more ass than the seats in the arenas you’ve filled. I’ve drunk more. I’ve smoked more. I’ve snorted more. I was the ultimate rock star, for a decade.” He took a breath, closing his eyes for a moment. “But from the minute I laid eyes on that little girl, she was mine. And I was going to do anything and everything in my power to love her the way she deserved to be loved.”
“What if I don’t know how? I don’t know how to be a good dad…as much as I love my old man, he wasn’t ever really a father to me.” I had quieted down, Jacks’s words making me feel like I could be honest.
For the first time in a long time, I was being honest.
He shrugged a shoulder. “Call Smith, talk to him. He never really had a dad, he was abused by that piece of shit his whole damn life. But the look on that man’s face when he holds his little girl…it’s pretty poetic, bro.”
The concept seemed to elude me. Or, truthfully, scared the shit out of me, so I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. “I don’t know how to be a boyfriend either. I don’t know how to be in love with someone. I don’t know how to be the man they need.”
Jacks shook his head sadly. “You know, I truly think this is something all of us struggle with. We spend so much time with the groupies and the drugs and the booze. Then when something good comes along, something real? We think we’re not good enough, not worthy. But let me tell you something, man. If you let that girl love you, really let her in? You’ll never regret it a day in your life.”
“What if I can’t love her back the same way?”
“The fact that you left because you thought you weren’t enough for them says it all. You were in love with Payton when you walked out that door, and you’re in love with her now. That pit in your stomach, that ache in your chest when you think about a life without her in it? That’s love, Mason. Don’t let your fear rule your life. Don’t let it keep you away from the people you need to survive. Don’t kill yourself because you’re afraid to live.”
I hung my head, letting a few tears fall before I wiped them away. I was afraid to lose Payton. I was afraid to lose Katie. I was afraid that they’d both wake up one day and realize they could do better than me. I was afraid that my dad could see me. That M Kat knew I was failing.
I was afraid that if I went home and loved those beautiful girls, the universe would take them away too.