Chapter 7
MARCUS
~The Mistake~
Since we’ve moved to New York, it’s become a ritual for Willow and me to have dinner together on Saturdays. Seeing as it was her turn last week, I’ve ordered Chinese for us.
Willow tried to give me cooking lessons once, which turned out to be a bad idea. I went a little overboard with the salt.
Jaxson and the rest of the guys all think we’re dating. No matter what I say, they don’t believe that we’re just friends.
We’ve grown close as friends, and I’ll even go as far as to admit that I’m falling in love with her, but that’s all it can be. The more I care for Willow, the more intense the fear gets. It’s weird; it’s as if it’s feeding off the feelings I have for her.
I never feel the fear when it comes to Jaxson. Maybe it’s because I know he’ll be able to fight me. Fuck, he’ll kick my ass.
But Willow… I’m stronger than her. If I ever lose it around her, she won’t be able to fight me off.
I have to protect her, and the only way I can is by keeping my distance. Knowing what I have to do, and actually doing it, are two different things.
I dread the day when she’ll walk in here and tell me she met the man of her dreams.
I thought it would get harder with time to stay friends with her, but it’s actually the opposite. Whatever time I spend with Willow is food for my soul. It keeps me going during the days I don’t see her.
It makes me want more.
More time with her.
The need to make her mine is wearing me down. Everything in me is screaming to claim her before some other fucker does.
Loving Willow is both the hardest and easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s easy being myself with her, but the hard part is knowing it will end one day.
She’s either going to grow tired of me, or I’m going to screw things up.
∞∞∞
When there’s a knock at the door, I rush to open up.
Seeing Willow standing in front of me, is like coming up for air after being under water for a week.
“Hey, Pretty-Boy,” she says, but the usual spark is missing from her voice.
Where she usually wears one of the outfits she’s made, she’s dressed in sweats and an old college t-shirt. Her hair is tied back, and her face is clear of any make-up.
I take hold of her shoulder and pull her inside so I can close the door, then I tilt my head and catch her eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
She shrugs, and turns away from me, but not before I see her chin quiver. I follow her into the living room and sit down next to her.
“It’s nothing. I’m being stupid.” She takes a deep breath and forces a smile on her face. “What’s for dinner? I’m starving.”
“We’re having Chinese,” I say as I get up to get the food.
I put it all on the coffee table, and as she moves to the floor, I say, “I got those spring rolls you like.”
“Thanks.” While we each grab some food, she asks, “How was your week?”
“It was okay. We’ve finally settled in the building. The rebranding is done. Oh, that reminds me, we have our launch in two weeks. You’re coming, right?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
We talk about everyday stuff while we finish our meals. I wish Willow would tell me why she’s upset. I hope it’s not about us.
Willow picks a movie while I clean up. When I sit down next to her, and I reach for the remote, she places her hand on my arm.
“Wait.” She pulls my arm around her shoulders, and curls into a ball at my side. “I know I’m breaking one of the rules right now, but I really need you to hold me.”
I lean back against the couch and wrapping my arms around her, I hold her tightly to me. She buries her face in my chest and grabs hold of my shirt.
I tilt my head a little until my mouth lightly brushes against her hair.
We sit like this until her breathing starts to even out, and it’s clear she’s fallen asleep. I don’t have the heart to wake her. It’s obvious she’s upset about something. Maybe some sleep will do her good.
I close my eyes and press a soft kiss to the top of her head. Taking a deep breath, I fill my lungs with her.
It feels heavenly holding her in my arms, but it also makes the worry grow.
When I start to doze, I decide it’s time to go to bed. We can’t sit like this all night. I move slowly so I won’t wake her, slipping an arm under her knees. Leaving the light on in the kitchen, I walk to my bedroom.
Willow has never stayed the night. We both knew it was an unspoken rule we couldn’t cross. Her spending the night changes things, it changes us.
I lay her down and make sure she’s comfortable before I take off my shirt and jeans. Keeping my boxers on, I get in on the other side of the bed. You can fit another person in the space I leave open between us.
I stare into the darkness, not moving a muscle. If I were free to love Willow, I would be staring at her right now. I would drink in the feeling of lying so close to her. I would allow myself to fantasize what it would feel like to make love to her.
But I’m not free.
Instead, I lie here thinking about what this will mean for our friendship.
It feels like the beginning of the end.
∞∞∞
WILLOW
When I wake up my first thought is that I’ve never felt so comfortable before. I open my eyes, and for a moment I’m confused. I pull back a little, and the blur becomes Marcus’ jaw.
I move slowly and glance down at our bodies. Mine is positioned half over his. Actually, I’m sprawled all over him.
This is not good.
When I look back to his face, and my eyes meet his, I panic. I move as fast as I can, crawling backward and putting a safe distance between us.
“I’m sorry. I usually sleep all over the bed.”
I remember wanting to talk to him, and asking him to hold me, and then I must’ve fallen asleep.
“Why didn’t you wake me and tell me to go home?”
“You were upset, and I thought the sleep would do you good.”
The air between us feels stiff, and as he throws back the covers, I quickly realize it’s not the only thing that’s stiff.
I quickly look away, so he doesn’t catch me gawking at his hard-on.
This is definitely not good. Marcus made it clear that we were only friends. We haven’t even hugged before. I’ve kissed him a few times on his cheek, and I knew that was pushing things.
I need to do damage control.
“I’m sorry for falling asleep here. It’s been a really crappy week.” I pull the tie from my skew ponytail and straighten my hair out, before tying it at my neck. “I took my designs to my boss, and she made it clear that they didn’t hire me to design for them. I was hoping that once I’ve been with them for a couple of months, they would consider looking at my portfolio.”
I pretend to straighten out my shirt as Marcus gets up. Once he’s dressed, I give him a tentative look.
His mouth is set in a hard line, and I can see that his movements are tense.
Shit. I really screwed up.
“I know I should be thankful that I have a job. At least it pays the bills. I was just hoping they would give me a chance.”
Marcus runs a hand through his hair and clears his throat. “It sucks that you had a bad week.”
When he doesn’t say anything else, my heart sinks to the floor.
“Thanks for dinner. Sorry for being such a downer.”
I suppress the urge to run and walk as calmly as I can to where I left my bag. I hang the strap over my shoulder and open the front door. When I turn around, and I see that Marcus didn’t follow me, a heaviness washes over me.
“See you next Saturday,” I call out.
I close the door behind me, and as I walk away from his apartment, I fold my arms around myself.
Disheartened by the horrible week I’ve had, I wonder why life is so unfair.
Everything I want is dangled like a carrot in front of my nose, but I can’t have any of them.
I love Marcus, but I can’t have him.
I want to design, and I know it will take time, I was just hoping for a little positive feedback.
∞∞∞
When I get home, I make myself a cup of coffee. Curling up on my couch, I call Evie. Leigh is either at work, or sleeping, so I don’t even try calling her.
After a few rings, Evie answers. It sounds like I woke her.
“Hi, were you sleeping?”
“No,” she groans. “I’m sick. Only I would get the damn flu in the middle of summer.”
“Oh no. Did you get some meds?”
“Yeah. I’m going to stay in bed all weekend. Hopefully, it’s gone by Monday.”
“What’s happening on Monday?” I ask as I slowly sip my coffee.
“I have an interview. I really need the job. I can’t keep working as a waitress.”
Evie refused to come to New York with us. After we graduated, she dropped the bomb that she was moving to LA. Rhett was furious.
Now I understand why she did it. For years she hoped Rhett would love her, and it never happened. It’s only been a couple of months for me, and already I want to give up. It’s funny how loving someone can hurt so much. I think it’s the hope you have that things might change someday. You hope they’ll love you and every day it doesn’t happen it becomes a suffocating pain that eats away at your heart.
“Just get some rest and remember to drink a lot of fluids.”
“I will.” She coughs, and it sounds awful.
“I wish you were closer so I could take care of you.” I hate the distance between us. Both my best friends are on the other side of the country. I only moved here for Marcus.
“Me too. How are things on your side?”
“Nothing’s changed.” I don’t really want to offload my lousy week on Evie while she’s sick.
“Did you show your portfolio to your boss?” she asks.
“Yeah, I did. She told me that the company didn’t hire me to design for them.”
“Did she even look at your designs?”
“No.” I let out a heavy sigh.
“I’m sorry, hon. Just get some work experience and then find a place who will allow you to design.”
“You’re right. It just sucks. I’ve dreamt of designing my own pieces since I was a little girl.”
“You’ll get your chance.”
Evie blows her nose, and knowing that she needs to sleep, I quickly move on to my other problem.
“To make everything worse, I fell asleep at Marcus’ place last night.”
“Shit,” she groans.
I’m not sure if she’s groaning because she doesn’t feel well, or because she knows what that means.
“How did he react to that?”
I pull a face, and for the first time this week, I feel like crying.
“Not well at all. Things were so good between us and I ruined it.”
“Did you really ruin it, Willow?” Before I can answer her, she goes on. “Think about it. What was there to ruin? You want a relationship, and he wants to be friends. Would you really be happy with just his friendship? You knew it was going to happen. It happened to Rhett and me. If one of the friends fall in love, it’s game over.”
A tear sneaks down my cheek as I squeeze the words out. “I know, but it didn’t stop me from hoping.”
“What are you going to do now?”
I dig a tissue out of my bag and wipe my cheeks while trying to hold the tears back.
“What can I do? The damage is done. I guess I’ll have to put some distance between Marcus and me like you did with Rhett.”
“You can always move here.”
I know that’s what Evie wants, but I need to be close to Marcus.
“I can’t leave my job now. It wouldn’t look good on my résumé.” I take a deep breath. “You need to get some rest. Call me on Monday to let me know how the interview went, okay?”
“I will,” she says, her voice growing raspy from all the talking. “You’re going to be okay. You learn to live with it. It won’t hurt so badly forever.”
“Thanks for listening, Evie,” I whisper as the tears threaten to overwhelm me.
“Talk to you soon.”
I drop the phone next to me on the couch and stare at the floor until my sight blurs.
I’ll give Marcus some space. Maybe things aren’t as bad as they look.