Chapter 14

Julian opened the top dresser drawer and found it empty. He walked into his en suite bathroom and went through all the drawers of the vanity. Many of the useless grooming products he had accumulated through the years ended up scattered on the floor. When he realized he had misplaced what he was looking for, he raked his hands through his hair forcefully. He hadn’t slept in two days and the only way he would be able to fall asleep was if he knew that, when he did, there would be no dreams.

He rushed through the silent condo. The overbearing gray sky peeked through the curtains. Having lost his sense of time, he glanced at the bright green numbers on the stove. He came to a dead stop when he saw it was four o’clock in the afternoon. Filled with a new resolve, Julian went straight to the guest room at the opposite end of the condo. He didn’t bother to knock. He slammed the door open and walked up to Tatiana, who was lying on the bed.

“Have you seen my pills?” he asked, his voice not hiding the panic he felt.

“I threw them out.”

He felt his stomach drop. “You did what?”

“You heard me.”

“Where did you put them?”

“Down the toilet.”

“How dare you go through my things? I need those pills!”

“That excuse won’t work on me.”

“You don’t understand.” His voice carried a pragmatic tone. He felt desperate enough to try reason with Tatiana. “I can’t just stop. The withdrawal symptoms will make me sick.”

“I’m helping you the only way I know how. Might not be the best way, but if it gets you to think with a clear head again then it’s good enough.”

Before Julian could respond, the sound of a bell ringing echoed through the condo.

“Stay here,” he said. “If you hear anyone come toward the bedroom, hide.”

He closed the door behind him and went to find out why the concierge had called. It was Grace, stopping by with the boys. He couldn’t turn them away.

“What happened to your phone?” Grace asked as soon as he let her in. “I was worried. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all day.”

“You have?” Julian didn’t even know where his phone was.

“You should get a landline.”

Julian watched as Grace carried the twins, and several bags, to his living room. He didn’t understand why she always showed up carrying the twins in her arms.

“Don’t you have a stroller?” he asked, concerned she would drop them. He took one of the boys from her. “They’re getting too big for you to carry them both by yourself.”

“It’s broken and I haven’t had the time to go buy a new one.”

Julian didn’t know if he was holding Seth or Eli and because he didn’t want Grace to know he couldn’t tell them apart, he hoped she would call one of them by name.

“You don’t look too good,” she continued. “How have you been holding up?”

I feel unhinged and I don’t know what to do, Julian thought. Instead he said, “Don’t worry about me.”

“Anything you need. Anything at all, you let me know, OK? Pete won’t tell me why he isn’t talking to you, but he’s worried too.”

Julian didn’t want to discuss what had happened between Peter and him.

“What’s got him so upset?” Grace asked.

“I’d rather not get into it, but please believe me when I say it has nothing to do with you and the boys.” He tried to smile and failed. “Men being stupid.”

Peter knew more than Julian wanted him to about the night Sofia had died. If Peter ever decided to speak to the police, Julian would be in trouble. He had decided that as long as Peter remained silent, he could stay angry forever.

“How are things between the two of you?” he asked.

“Better, actually.” Grace smiled. “And it has somewhat to do with why I’m here today. I need to ask you for a huge favor. With everything you’ve got going on, I feel awful asking but you’re the only person I can rely on on such short notice.”

“Stop rambling and tell me what you need.”

“Pete and I have decided to open up our marriage. Give it a go and see what happens. We both have dates tonight, and our babysitter just canceled on us. I’m hoping you can watch Seth and Eli for a few hours.”

“You guys are trying an open marriage?”

“Yes, you know, we have both agreed we can see other people as long—”

“I know what an open marriage is, Grace. Seeing the state your relationship is in, I’m surprised you guys chose to go that route.”

“You don’t think it’s a good idea?”

Julian didn’t want to discuss Grace and Peter’s marriage when he couldn’t make sense of the signals his body sent him. One second he needed to sit down, the next to walk around. The words coming from Grace’s mouth sounded too fast to him, and he struggled to concentrate. “Can we talk about this later?”

“This is important to me, Julian.”

He looked at the boy in his arms—he had to push through his discomfort. “With all honesty? No, I think it’s an awful idea. Why did you agree to it?”

“The open marriage was my idea, not his.”

“Is that what you really want, Grace?”

“For the first time since I got pregnant, I’m feeling sexy and beautiful and desired. Why wouldn’t I want that?”

Julian sat down on the couch. All of his energy went into maintaining his conversation with Grace. He worried he would collapse while holding one of the boys. “Of course you should want that. But if you have to sleep with other men to feel that way, then you’ve got a problem in your marriage that can’t be fixed by opening it up.”

“You and Pete are best friends, but I always felt if you and I met first we would be the ones calling each other best friends. I need you in my corner, Julian.”

“I am, Grace. I always will be.”

“Believe me, then, when I say that I need this. I know it sounds crazy—”

“It doesn’t sound crazy. A lot of couples have arrangements. But the timing for you and Pete is wrong. You’re just adding another challenge to your marriage, which is already having problems. What do you think will happen?”

“I don’t know, Julian.”

“Yes, you do.”

“So what if we end up separating? Pete and I won’t certainly be the first.”

“You can’t start an open marriage with that attitude. It’ll get messy—quick.”

“You think that instead of behaving like a slut, I should be working on my relationship with Pete.”

Julian frowned. “What?”

“Isn’t that what you think?”

“That you and Pete should go to therapy? Yes. That you’re behaving like a slut? I’d never think less of you for exploring your sexuality.”

“No one in my family, or any of my friends, know. I can’t tell them. They would never understand. Please, be with me on this.”

Julian sighed. “You know what I think, but yes, I’m with you. No matter what happens.”

She passed the boy in her arms to Julian so he now held both twins. “Thank you. We’re lucky to have you.”

He wanted to challenge Grace on what she had just said but he couldn’t. Whatever mental stamina he had left, he had used it to argue with her about the open marriage. “Don’t you have to be somewhere?”

She nodded as she reached for her purse. “I promise I won’t be too late.”

“It’s OK if you are. I won’t be sleeping much.” He still couldn’t believe Tatiana had disposed of his pills.

“Everything you need for Seth and Eli is in those bags. I’ve labeled their dinner and snacks. They don’t need to eat for another hour, so a nap until then would be great. You know my number and if—”

“I got it. Just go, Grace. The boys will be fine.”

After she kissed both her sons she turned to Julian. “I know. You’re their dad, after all.”

Grace left and Julian’s eyes darted between the boys. Grace hadn’t called either one by name, so he still didn’t know which one was which. He called out the name Eli and both boys looked at him with guileless curiosity. He tried it again, now saying the name Seth, and he got giggles and incomprehensible babble from both boys.

“Sometimes the universe works in strange ways, don’t you think?” Tatiana stood by the entrance of the living room. “You have two kids. Identical twins. When were you going to tell me that?”

“I can’t deal with you right now.”

“They like me. They’re smiling at me.”

“Leave.” He didn’t want to raise his voice in front of Seth and Eli.

Before disappearing down the hall, Tatiana winked at the boys.

Doing what he did every time they came over, Julian took the twins to his bedroom and made a makeshift bed for them on the floor by the large window. As he scattered their toys around them, he remembered that he had recently refilled his prescription. He rushed into his office and found the two new bottles inside his workbag. He didn’t stop to think. Instead of one, he took two pills from each bottle.

He returned to the bedroom and lay down on the floor near the boys. Heavy, dark clouds hung low over the buildings, and the Chicago River had lost its beautiful turquoise color. It looked as gray as the sky above.

Julian watched Seth and Eli play for a while. He wanted to hug them, breathe in their scent, kiss their small toes, but his body became too heavy for him to move. He smiled when one of the boys draped himself over his chest. Then he closed his eyes.

• • •

Julian sat up, his heart racing. At first, he didn’t know why he was on the floor with toys scattered around him, but then the intense lightning across the sky, followed by a loud crash of thunder, jarred him awake.

He didn’t see Seth or Eli.

He got up and ran out of the bedroom. All the lights in the condo were off, but lightning illuminated his path. Julian checked each room, frantically searching for the boys. He called out their names, but there were no sounds that told him where they might be. He called out again, louder this time.

“In here.”

Julian followed Tatiana’s voice.

“Calm down,” she said as soon as he rushed inside the guest bedroom. “They’re already startled by the storm. Don’t make them more afraid.”

“What happened?” He kneeled by the bed. Seth and Eli snuggled colorful baby blankets beside Tatiana. Under the dim glow from the standing lamp, their eyes looked as green as his own. “Why did you take them?” His heart beat so fast it made it difficult for him to speak. “I told you to stay away—”

“It’s five in the morning.”

Confused, he stared at Tatiana.

“Look at the clock.” She tilted her head toward the nightstand. “You passed out and their mom never came to pick them up. You left the door of your bedroom open and they were crawling all over the place, crying. They needed to be fed and changed. They were alone. Frightened.”

The anger Julian felt toward himself for endangering Seth and Eli was so powerful and consuming he sagged forward. Already on his knees, he had to hold on to the bed.

He should get up and search for his phone, to see if Grace had texted or called, but he didn’t trust his legs to support him.

“This one is Eli.” Tatiana pointed at the boy closer to her. “And that one is Seth. It’s written on the tags of their shirts,” she explained, taking hold of his hand and placing it inside the collar so he could feel the tags. “They liked me when they first saw me, but now it’s a full-fledged crush.” Tatiana blew a kiss at Seth and he gave her a wide smile.

With adrenaline still coursing through his body, Julian said the first thing that came to his mind. “It’s your hair.” He caressed the back of the boy’s small neck. Tatiana no longer held his hand and he was glad she had been the one to let go. He didn’t know if he would have found the strength to do so. “It’s wild. It catches their attention.”

“Why is it so hard for you to admit that your sons like me? It proves they have good taste. Something for you to be happy about.”

Julian felt the warmth of Eli’s small body against his palm. His heartbeat slowed as the panic over the twins’ safety subsided.

“Except for Grace, no one knows I’m their biological father. Pete doesn’t know, and neither does Meredith. You can’t repeat what you heard earlier.”

Tatiana watched Julian caress his son’s forehead. “You don’t trust me.”

“I barely know you.”

“I’ve been living in your home for almost two months. You know more about me than you ever did about Sofia. And yet, I get the impression you trusted her.”

He had grown to trust Sofia, but she had lied to him from the day she approached him at the coffee shop. “Did you know about us?”

“Not until the night she died. When are you going to ask me to tell you everything I know about her? We have twenty-two years to cover.”

“Not yet.” He didn’t feel ready.

The storm had died down, but every few minutes, lightning crossed the sky and a white flash peeked through the side of the curtains.

“I recognized you as soon as I saw you at the club,” she said.

“I was sixteen and you were eight the last time we saw each other. Did you remember me that well?”

“Years ago I looked up your birth name. I couldn’t find anything. Then I thought of all those times you said you’d change your last name to Reeve. You were obsessed with the Superman movie and the guy that played him. That’s when I came across a Julian Reeve, Child Psychologist and Associate Professor here in Chicago. The hospital had your picture up on the website. You were standing with a kid and a scary-looking clown.” Tatiana’s voice slowly faded out, as if she were lost in a memory. “I remember being impressed with the number of research papers you had written on abnormal child psychology. I guess fucked-up kids is your thing.”

He decided it was best not to tell her that she and Sofia were the reason behind his career choice.

“I found out which classes you were teaching at Feinberg,” she said. “I went there. I wanted to make sure it was really you. I watched you walk to your car after you were done giving a lecture. Not long after, I saw you at The Raven Room and I avoided you then. Fast-forward a few years and there you were, with Meredith, watching me fuck my husband. I’ll never forget how you looked at me.”

Julian realized he had been holding his breath “How did I look at you?”

“Like you always did.” She stroked Eli’s temple with her fingertips. “Like you’re looking at me now.”

Julian lowered his eyes to the floor.

“I saw the new pill bottles.” Tatiana’s voice lost its soft quality. “While Pete and Grace are out there, fucking other people, too afraid to put an end to their bad marriage, Seth and Eli are here, with you. Act this way again, endanger them, and you and my sister will suddenly be reunited.”