One Month Later
I told Brian that I was going to come in late today because I needed to run a few errands this morning. After I poured my cup and got dressed, I heard my doorbell ring. I wasn’t expecting company, but it wasn’t unusual for the UPS guy to drop off a package here and there. I opened the door, and immediately, I felt the blood rush to my face. My eyes lowered as bridled rage began to rise in my chest. She stood on the other side of the door with dark shades covering her eyes. Her hair was curled and hung freely down the sides of her head. A designer purse was clenched in her arm as she removed her shades. “Can I come in?”
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
She sighed. “Harrison, really? I’ve been trying to contact you ever since I heard of Sarah’s death, but your phone was always disconnected.”
“Disconnected? Bullshit. My phone was never disconnected.”
“Well, I may have had the wrong number. Anyways, can I come in?”
I blocked her entry into my home, “No! Are you kidding me? You waltz out of me and Sarah’s life after 20 some-odd years and then show up like everything is alright? Really?”
“I told you why I left, Harrison. I just… I had to. Everything was bringing me down, you know? I couldn’t balance motherhood and womanhood at the same time. I couldn’t.”
“So, you just fucking leave, right? You just dump all of your issues and start over like… like life is some fucking video game that you can press reset on? Huh?”
“Look, Harrison,” she adjusted the purse on her arm. “I know that I have done some messed up things in the past, but my counselor told me that it was best if I came to you and tried to clear some things up. She said it would help me cope with everything, so that is what I am doing.”
“How the hell did you even find my home?”
She chuckled. “Um, the internet makes things very easy to find. All you have to know how to do is hit a search on Google and then, presto,” she snapped her fingers, “it’ll show up just like that. You’ll be amazed at what you can find when you know how to search for it.”
I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to show up at my home after everything Sarah and I had been through since she left. To make things worse, she went on as if I was going to accept her back with no qualms. I didn’t know what she came here for, but I was milliseconds away from hurting her. “You need to leave. Now.”
“Harrison, come on. We all make mistakes, but–”
“You don’t make a 20-year mistake. That is unheard of! I don’t know what you want or why you came here, but honestly, you’ve just wasted your time. Don’t come back here, and if it even crosses your mind, I want you to smack yourself back to reality. I want nothing to do with you. Get the fuck off my porch.”
I closed the door in her face and watched her through the window. She stood still for a few seconds, then wiped her eyes as if she was brushing tears. She made as if she was going to ring the doorbell again, but thought twice about it before she turned to walk away. All the feelings I had when she left had rushed back into my heart. The abandonment. The loneliness. The way I felt that all of my walls had crashed in on me. It was one of the reasons that I was afraid to commit, and if I was honest with myself, I would understand that it was the primary reason. I didn’t want to settle down because I always felt like the woman would up and leave at the drop of a dime and leave me hopeless again.
I didn’t want to experience that, but with Caroline, I didn’t get those vibes. With her, I felt that I was secure. After I ran my errands, I then headed to work. It was almost 12 pm when I showed up. As soon as I parked, I noticed that the lawn was unkempt. The edges of the bushes were much frizzier than usual, and at that point, I knew the guys that usually tended to our lawn didn’t show up.
I stood in my office, gathering my things on the way out. “Boss,” Brian said, walking in, “we got another big close tomorrow! Are you down to come with me? It is the Berman account. Just when I thought we couldn’t do any better, we do better.” A wide smile was plastered on his face as grabbed a drink out of the fridge.
“Tomorrow? I don’t know if I can make it. I am going to ASU’s graduation tomorrow. You know they are going to say Sarah’s name.”
“Right, right. Wow. Sorry, boss, I completely forgot about that. I can reschedule the meeting if you want me to come with you.”
“No,” I said, grabbing my briefcase. “No, you go ahead and handle that. I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?”
I extended my fist to him for a pound. “I am positive. Close that, man. You don’t need my help. You were born for this stuff.”
He knocked his fist into mine, then I headed home. Sarah’s room was still intact. I wasn’t ready to move anything. Her clothing still hung in the closet. Her bed was made up without a crevice on it anywhere. Her pictures were dusted, and all of her athletic trophies and honor roll papers from high school were still positioned on the dresser and hanging proudly on the walls.
I walked around the room, inhaling deeply before I released the air from my lungs. It had been over a month since we had one of our morning talks. I kept all of her voicemails saved on my phone, and whenever I wanted to hear her voice again, I grabbed my phone and flipped through my inbox until I landed on her name. I put the phone on speaker, then sat it on her desk.
“Hey, Dad! I know you aren’t doing anything but sleeping on the couch because it is 9 pm and that is what old farts do! Anyways, Daddy, I need $400 for a course, and I am short. Can you please send me the money?! Like, yesterday?! Oh, and an extra $200 just for being the most awesomest daughter in the world?! Please?! Oh, and another thing, Caroline has a crush on you. I threaten her every time she mentions it. She thinks you’re hot, but she is clearly delusional.”
I laughed a little bit as she continued. “I mean, if she were older, I think I wouldn’t mind you two hooking up because she seems like an old fart just like you. Ugh, she never likes to do anything anymore except study! Anyways, I love you and I’ll ummm….. I guess I will talk to you tomorrow morning. Um, don’t forget. Send your sweet, nearly magna cum laude daughter $600 and I love you!”
The call ended, and for the first time, I found myself kneeled in her room as tears streamed down my eyes like two broken cisterns full of water. I missed her. I missed her more than ever.