Chapter Thirty-Eight
Caroline
I woke up the next morning in Harrison’s bed. The two stuffed bears that he’d won yesterday sat on the floor against the wall. I reached my hand out for him, but he was nowhere near me. I turned over in the bed and reminisced about yesterday. Before long, I started to tear up because I knew that this would all come to an end sooner than I wanted it to. The way he reacted when I sort of brought up being married is what made me believe that he wasn’t ready to settle down. I knew he had strong feelings for me. That was obvious, but that didn’t necessarily mean that it would translate into an engagement. Even though I wasn’t asleep, this relationship slowly started to feel like a dream.
I removed the covers then headed to his bathroom to clean myself up. I didn’t know what we had planned to do today, but a part of me wanted to go home. I didn’t want to continue getting further attached to him, not knowing how things would end. The thought alone sent a jolting pain through my body, but I stopped the tears before they had a chance to fall. I imagined Sarah sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. Her voice was still poignant in my mind.
“Caroline? Just ask him.”
“Ask him what?”
“Ask him if he wants to marry you.”
“I am not proposing to your father.”
She laughed, then put her hand over her head. “Nobody is asking you to propose to him. Ask him how he feels about marriage. You know that he had a fear of commitment and that was all because of my mother. I think you should just bring up the topic and see what he says. No pressure behind it, you know?”
“There will be. I indirectly brought the topic up a little while ago, and he looked at me like I shouldn’t have said that.” I sat down on the bed next to my mind’s imagination. “Who knows what will happen if I actually say the word, ‘marriage.’”
“Right. Who knows? You can’t just go around thinking for everyone else. Let my dad think for himself, and then you will hear how he feels about it. Don’t assume, though, because you know what that makes, right? That makes you an asshole.”
I laughed. “Sarah, that is not how that saying goes.”
“I know. I just wanted to call you an asshole for old times’ sake. Now, go talk to him. Please?”
I huffed. “Alright.”
Just then, the mirage vanished. I took a deep breath, then headed into the kitchen. I could smell bacon before I made it into the room. Harrison stood by the stove, in a housecoat, dodging grease that popped out of the skillet. He didn’t even notice that I was standing 10 feet away from him. I nervously tapped my foot against the ground, tempted to turn around and go right back upstairs. If it wasn’t for Sarah’s image standing just a few feet away from me, I would have left. Instead, I took a deep breath and walked closer to him, wrapping my arms around him from behind.
“Be careful, honey; I don’t want you to get popped by this grease. I’ve already gotten hit a few times.” I placed my head on his shoulder blades, oblivious to the small sound of popping grease in front of me. It took him a few moments before I completely grabbed his attention. He turned off the eye on the stove, then spun around to face me. “Honey? Something wrong?”
“I was just thinking about some things while I was in the other room.”
“Oh? Things like what?” I took a deep breath, hesitant to go forward. I didn’t want to send us into a tailspin, but I needed clarification as to where we stood with each other. The thought was not going to leave me alone until I was at peace with it. I grabbed him by the hand and gently pulled him to the kitchen table where we could both have a seat. The sunlight peeked through the kitchen window as I looked into his eyes. “Baby? What is it? You are starting to worry me.”
“You know that I am supposed to leave in a few more months, right?”
He leaned back in his chair. His housecoat was halfway open down the middle of his chest. I tried to avoid looking at it because I knew it would distract me from what I needed to say. “Yes,” he responded, “I am well aware.”
“I, um. I love my job, and I love you, but I’m not sure I can just stay here in Cottonwood for the rest of my life. I mean, things have been good so far, but my desire was to move out there, you know? I mean, there is something that could keep me around. Something permanent. But, I just don’t want to stay here not knowing what will happen…”
“What will happen?”
He waited for me to continue with what I had to say, but I found it hard to put the words together. No matter how I said it, it was going to come off as me rushing him or being pushy. That wasn’t the case, though. I just wanted clarity. “Nothing,” I said, finally. “Nothing. Just forget I mentioned it, OK?” I stood up, but he grabbed my arm and kept me from getting away.
“Caroline, I believe I know where this is going. Listen, I love you, OK? I love you a lot, and I’ve never felt this way about any woman before now. You mean more to me than what you think, and trust me, I wouldn’t lead you down a dark road without any hope that things would get brighter at the end. That is not my intention with you, but, I am asking you to trust me.”
“Trust you?” I sighed and walked out of his grasp. “I mean, a lot of women have trusted men in the past, but it didn’t end well for them. They put their trust in them just to get burned. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to sacrifice something and end up regretting it.”
“Caroline, please listen to me, OK? You can’t keep comparing our relationship to others. Our relationship is clearly not like any other relationship out there. The grounds under which we met. The backlash we received because we joined together. I mean, the list can go on, but we are here. Our unique bond still remains intact. I know it may be hard for you to trust, but it is hard for me as well. The one woman that I loved, before you, left me. She left me when I thought she would always be there. She left me at the hardest time in my life, so yes, there is still a little bit of fear there for me.”
He pulled me closer to him. “But I am learning to let things go like you advised me. I’m learning to live and just forget that things like that happened so I can enjoy my life fully. That is what I am focusing on right now. That is my goal.” Just then, the oven beeped. He left my side, then grabbed an oven glove so he could pull something out. The biscuits were golden brown on top when he placed them on the counter. He cut a slice of butter and slid it over them until it melted. I wanted this life so bad, but I didn’t want it temporarily, and sadly, that wasn’t going to be enough for me to stick around further than I had to.
I had already begun looking for apartments and homes in California just in case I had to move. I remember crying as I flipped through websites and made phone calls. My heart was there with Harrison, but I just didn’t believe that he felt the same way. Maybe I was rushing it a little bit. Maybe I was just too anxious because I finally found the man of my dreams, but he was moving too slow for my comfort. I don’t know what the answer was, but right now, I needed to know. I needed to know, but he kept his lips locked together. “Now,” he said, “I think we should dig into this food. The bacon has been sitting out for a little while, and I don’t want it to get cold.”
“Alright, Harrison.”
I took a seat at the table and waited for him to pile the food onto my plate. It felt like we were coming to an end, but if he wanted me to trust him, I could give him that. I could give him all the trust he needed until it was time for me to move to California and when I moved, I knew I wasn’t going to look back. There would just be a big “what if?” in the back of my mind and that alone was more painful than anything else.