CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Chloe woke up Sunday morning with a smile on her face. She couldn’t get that kiss out of her head. Was that wrong? She wished that she knew. She had come this far by trusting no one, but some days she had to wonder if that was any way for her to live the rest of her life. After that kiss, she was prone to answer that with a resounding “No.” She reached down and took out her journal and her pen. After sitting there, looking at the blank page for a few seconds, she began to write:

June 9, 2011

So I gave in to my desires last night, and I let Derek kiss me. I know that I’ve said over and over that wasn’t going to happen…not just with him, but with anyone. I’m twenty-four years old, and I’ve been given no reason to believe that there are men in the world that want to do anything but hurt me. I read books, and I watch movies, and I see the gentle exchanges between men and women, and sometimes I believe that they’re the anomaly. Okay, most of the time I think that…but not last night.

Last night I let myself believe that Derek was one of those anomalies’. I didn’t have so much as an inkling of fear in my gut when he touched me…I welcomed it as a matter of fact. I have to wonder if that’s foolishness on my part. Am I only setting myself up for failure here…for more pain? Then there is the photo. Derek’s creepy friend took a picture of me at work. What if Jesse sees it? What if someone he knows sees it and tells him? What kind of stupid chances am I really taking here with my life? I woke up this morning feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, and now as I’m writing this, I can once again feel the fear oozing its way through my veins. Will I ever not be afraid? I guess that’s the million dollar question.

Chloe took her run on the beach and then spent the rest of her Sunday relaxing at home. She didn’t answer the phone when Derek called. He left a message saying that he just wanted to tell her again what a great day and evening he’d had the day before. He didn’t call back again, and he didn’t show up on her doorstep. He was pursuing her gently, and he seemed to understand that she needed him to take his time.

On Monday she went to her self-defence class, running by his billboard as she did and once again feeling the tingles in her belly when she looked at his lips and remembered their kiss. She still didn’t answer his phone call. He left another message telling her that he didn’t want to bother her; he just wanted to tell her that he hoped she had a good day.

Monday night she and Lexi went to work and after she was dressed and oiled and glittered she went out for a smoke before she began her first set. Roxi was out there, and Chloe got the feeling that she was waiting for her.

“So did you enjoy your days off?” her boss asked her.

“I did,” Chloe said. “I got a lot done, and yesterday I just had a lazy day. It was nice.”

“Good. I have another client requesting you specifically.”

“What? Who is it?”

“Judge Wilks. He dropped two grand, and he’s a good tipper too.”

“Oh hell no! Lexi pointed him out to me the other day. He’s seventy-five years old, and he walks around with a tent in the front of his pants. He’s disgusting.”

“Chloe, I think that you and I agree they’re all disgusting. This is your job.”

“Fuck! I hate this job, Roxi. I’m sorry, but I hate it. I’m so sick of being these disgusting pervert’s wet dream.”

“Do you think when you worked at that diner those old men you were serving coffee to every day weren’t looking down your blouse and checking out your ass as you walked away? How many of the old geezers copped a feel? How many times did you walk out of there with a thousand bucks? This job is a way for you to get something out of what they’re going to take anyways.”

Chloe hated when Roxi was right, but she was. “Shit! Fine, I’ll do it. How long do I have to dance for the old creep?”

“Just tonight,” Roxi said.

“Alright but if he so much as touches that freeze-dried old member of his I’m calling Jake to toss his ass out.”

Roxi laughed, “Go give him a heart attack,” she said.

Chloe went inside, but she wasn’t laughing. She went to the bar and handed Lexi her smokes and lighter and said, “Guess who wants a private dance?”

“Who?”

“Judge Wilks,” Chloe told her.

“Oh my god. I think I just puked in my mouth.” Lexi said, looking like she might be actually sick. “Good Luck.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Chloe went to talk to Mike next. “Hey, Mike. How’s it going tonight?”

“It’s going,” he said. “How are you doing, Chloe. I missed you the past couple of days.”

“It’s good. I had a couple of days off. I wish I didn’t have to come back.”

“Keep the faith girl; it’ll happen one of these days.”

“I’m trying, Mike. Tell Jake to stand by and give me track two.”

“Whoa, two? You really don’t like this guy do you?” Chloe just laughed and went on back. The judge was sitting right up front, and the table was behind him. The tent in his pants was already standing at attention. Chloe felt the bile rise up into the back of her throat.

“Hey there pretty girl,” he said.

“Judge. Are you ready?”

He ran his hand across his bulge and said, “I’m always ready.”

Chloe called out to Mike, and he turned on the music. She put her hand on the pole with her back to the old man, and she closed her eyes. She tried to breathe in the music…tried to let it flow through her veins. She started moving her legs, just rocking to the beat. She let it find its way into her hips and finally as the music began to flow freely, so did her muscles. She spun herself around the pole, opening her eyes as she came back around, just to make sure the old creep was still in his chair. He was still there, and his right hand was still resting on the front of his pants.

She closed her eyes again as she lifted her top leg and did a split against the pole. She grabbed it then with two hands and spun around on the one leg that was still on the floor, arching her back slightly. She found herself wishing that Derek was sitting there in his seat. She wished that she could open her eyes and find herself looking into his. As she gripped the pole and lifted both her legs to spin around, she took another peek at her customer. The old Lech had slid his hand down into the front of his pants. It was going to be a really, really long night.

Chloe made it through the shift without vomiting and when they got home and into their pajamas she and Lexi opened a bottle of wine and took it out onto the porch facing the ocean.

“Jesus what a night,” Chloe said.

“Yeah, I got hit on four times, and each one got uglier and creepier, and you want to know what the worst part is?”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“I left tonight with less than a hundred dollars in tips.”

“What? The nasty perverts aren’t just sex-starved they’re cheap too!”

“I think it was Jasmine,” she said.

“Jasmine? She stole your tips?”

“In a way. She does this new dance after she takes her top off where she makes her boobs go up and down…separately. It’s freaking bizarre, but the creeps love it. They throw bucket loads of money at her to get her to do it again. It doesn’t leave any left overs for my tips, I guess.”

“She moves them separately? How is that even possible?”

Lexi took a drink of her wine and said, “I have no idea, but I’m telling you she does. You have to see it. It’s so weird.”

“I don’t think I want to see it,” Chloe said as she scrunched up her face. Just imagining it gave her the creeps.

“I was thinking about asking Roxi if I could try dancing,” Lexi said suddenly. It was like she had been thinking about it and was only finally able to make herself say it out loud.

“No! Lexi no! You don’t want to do that, honey. Think about how gross they already are with you behind the bar and imagine it ten times worse than that.”

“I know what it’s like. I watch them every night. But I’m so tired of making everyone’s leftover tips. How much did you make in tips tonight?”

Chloe shrugged. Lexi cocked an eyebrow and Chloe said, “Okay fine, I made a lot, but I had to try and concentrate on my pole while a hundred and fifty year old man rubbed his shriveled up old pole. Sometimes I don’t think it’s worth it.”

“What do you do to get through it?” Lexi asked her.

“I visualize the future. I see myself in a classroom filled with happy little faces soaking up the knowledge that I’m imparting upon them. I’m not going to do this forever…not even for very much longer.”

“I wouldn’t be doing it forever either. But Chloe, I have aspirations too and I can either keep working that bar and get there in five years, or I can learn how to dance and get there in two. It’s worth thinking about anyways and talking over with Roxi.”

Chloe hated the idea. Lexi had no idea what it felt like, how demeaning it was. Chloe didn’t take off her clothes, and she still left that club every night feeling dirty and like she had done something wrong. The girls that they worked with who did take their clothes off definitely had a skewed sense of their own self-worth. Sometimes she wondered if they all already had that before they started working there, the same way that she had. She didn’t see that in Lexi. Lexi was just a girl who was tired of waiting tables for twenty dollars a day in tips, so she had taken the bar tender job at the club…but that was the problem with spending too much time in that place, Chloe thought, the depravity was contagious.

Chloe finally called Derek back that night. He picked up the phone, and she could almost hear the smile in his voice as he said her name. It had been a long time since anyone had been that happy to hear from her and it felt good, in spite of whether she wanted it to or not.

“Chloe! How are you?”

She lay back on her bed with the phone to her ear and said, “I’m well. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back sooner.”

“Don’t be sorry. You have a life, and I understand that. Please don’t think I’m pressuring you to call me. I just crave the sound of your voice.” Things like that were so dangerous. His words made her feel warm and safe. Damn it!

“Well, anyways,” she said, “I just wanted you to know I wasn’t ignoring you. It’s just been a busy couple of days,” she lied.

“I understand. I have a busy week coming up. I have to go to New York for a couple of days for a real estate conference. Can I see you when I get back?”

She would call him tonight prepared for that question. Of course, he wanted to see her again. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea, Derek. I agreed to go out with you once…honestly to get you off my back. The second time was because I had fun the first time, but I’m just not looking to get involved right now.”

“I understand. But Chloe I’m not asking you for any kind of commitment. All we’re doing is having some fun together, right? I’m not asking you for any more than you’re willing or able to give me. The second I take it too far, all you have to do is say so.”

He wasn’t the one who was taking it too far. It was her. She was way too attracted to him. She didn’t trust herself to keep her head when he was around. She was still drawing energy from the memory of that simple little kiss. When he was ready to try and take it further, would she have the strength to say no and walk away? When she didn’t respond, he said, “What about this. How about a day date?”

She smiled, “What is a day date, exactly?”

“I don’t know; something innocuous. Lunch. Maybe a walk in the park? The aquarium or the zoo.”

Chloe was laughing, “The zoo, really? Real estate moguls go to the zoo?”

“This real estate mogul would spend the afternoon at Chuck E Cheese if that’s where you wanted to go.”

How the hell was she supposed to say no to that? Apparently, she couldn’t because she heard herself saying, “I like the zoo.”