CHAPTER NINE

“I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I should have told you.”

Chloe felt guilty. If Samantha had known about the scars before she saw them, it wouldn’t have been so traumatic for her.

Samantha took her hand. “Please, don’t ever apologize to me again about any of this. I can’t imagine the horrors that you went through. The very thought of it feels like someone is reaching into my chest and crushing my heart with their bare hands.”

“Then we don’t have to talk about it,” Chloe said.

Samantha nodded and sat up straighter. “I think we do. I think that as horrifying and disgusting and heartbreaking as everything that happened to you must have been…it somehow made you become this strong, beautiful, amazing woman that I very much want to know. I want to know everything about you. I have missed you every minute of every day for twenty-four years and I will thank God every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life that Derek found you and brought you back to us.”

“I’ve never thought about it that way— that it made me anything positive. All I’ve ever looked at or thought about was the negative…”

“That’s because no one should have to live that way baby girl. No one should have to live with…” Samantha choked up and it took her a few seconds to go on.“With monsters. Of course, it made you think negatively about yourself. That’s a normal response. I feel sick and angry at just the thought of someone hurting you. I’ve loved you since the moment that I found out you were in my womb. I love you still today, and I never stopped in between even though I thought you were gone.”

Chloe opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She suddenly couldn’t breathe. The thoughts in her head were accelerating and firing off in ten different directions at once. Her heart was hammering inside of her chest and her whole body had begun to tremble again.

Samantha reached up and gently brushed a lock of hair out of her daughter’s face. Her touch was so gentle and filled with so much warmth. Once again, Chloe imagined what her life would have been like if she had been allowed to grow up here, with Samantha and Trevor. She would have had so many advantages in life and even if she had met Jesse and even if she had become involved in a relationship with him, the first time he hurt her she would have had someone to turn to.

Knowing that made her angry and sad and she alternated between wanting to cry and feeling like someone was sitting on her chest because it was just all too much. She finally stood up and went over to the window. Samantha sat quietly and watched as she threw it open and sucked in the fresh warm air. She made herself breathe in and breathe out slowly until the dizziness went away. She stayed there, facing away from her mother until the wave of nausea had passed.

Then finally, she turned around and looked at Samantha and said, “They adopted me simply so he would have someone to abuse.”

Samantha gasped and her posture was suddenly rigid, but she didn’t interrupt. She waited until Chloe went on.

“They had a daughter and my assumption can only be that Marg knew how twisted he was and she was doing what she thought she had to do in order to protect her own biological child. As long as I was available, he didn’t hurt them.”

Chloe could see Samantha visibly shaking and she felt horrible for putting her through this but her mother was right about one thing, everything that had happened to her had led her to become the person she was today. She had never been proud of who that person was until recently and maybe some of what Samantha said was true, the abuse had not broken or damaged her spirit but shaped and strengthened it instead.

She began her story then, telling Samantha everything. She didn’t give the gory details. Samantha didn’t need to hear them and Chloe didn’t want to say them out loud. But, by the time she finished, Samantha knew the bulk of the horrors that Chloe had survived. That is how she chose to look at it now. It was not what she had “endured” or “been a victim of.” It was what and how she had survived.

Samantha took several deep breaths before she allowed herself to speak. Then in a voice that still held traces of a tremor, she said, “I want to hate them. I feel disgusted and repulsion and more anger in my heart than I’ve ever felt. Then I look at you. I look at your lovely face and I remember that you’re mine. I’ve spent my life living by the philosophy that hate only colors the soul of the one who holds onto it. It can spread through your veins like venom and shut down all other feelings. It can cause your body to produce nothing but negative emotions. It pushes and pulls until there’s no room left in your heart or soul for love. I have spent twenty-four years fearing the love I felt for you because it also brought me pain. I’m free to feel it now, completely and I don’t want to color that or share it by holding onto that hate, but it’s going to be hard…and it’s going to take a lot of time. I’m so sorry for what they did to you. I’m sorry there are monsters in this world that are capable of dressing in human skin. I can promise you this, Chloe…you will never be alone again, and if anyone ever hurts you, they will have to answer to your father and I…and I strongly suspect, Derek.”

Derek was something else that Chloe felt strongly she needed to discuss with Samantha. It was also another subject that she didn’t really want to broach, but since they were on it already, now would be the time. She sat back down on the bed and said, “Is it weird for Derek and me to be together…for you and for Trevor?”

“Trevor and I love Derek like we would a son. We fell in love with him before Sarah did, I think.” She laughed and then said, “He’s a good man. He’s one of those men that were just born good and no amount of living in this jaded world can change him. When Sarah died, he was as broken as Trevor and I was. On top of that, he was blaming himself. I was worried for a while that he wouldn’t recover, but he’s strong and he did. But, in spite of getting on with his life, the first time he brought you here, was the first time since she died that I have seen him happy. I want him to be happy and I want you to be happy and if the two of you do that for each other than no, I don’t think it’s “weird” at all. I think we are doubly blessed.”

“Can I ask you another question, just between us?”

Samantha smiled softly and said, “You can ask me a million questions and unless you state otherwise, it will always be just between us.”

Chloe took a deep breath and said, “Should I worry that he’s with me? Should I wonder if it’s only because I’m Sarah’s twin? I don’t feel that way, but sometimes I wonder if people who knew her will look at us and think that.”

“I think that most of us have a specific type when it comes to physical attraction. Would you agree?”

“Yes.”

“So, I think it’s probably safe to say that he was attracted to you at first for the same reasons he was attracted to Sarah. But Chloe, you are so different from your sister. We all see that and we all love you for your uniqueness, just as we did Sarah for hers. I think it is very safe to say that he knows the difference between you and your sister.”

Chloe breathed in and out again. She could feel her pulse and her breathing finally returning to normal. It had already been an exhausting day. “I wish that I could have met her,” she said.

“Me too.” Samantha had tears in her eyes again. “She was an incredible person and such a good daughter. She was always easy, even when she was a baby. I used to tell her that she saved our lives; your father’s and mine. Taking care of her those first few months was all that got us through the pain of losing you. The routine of diapers and feedings and baths, it taught us how to go through the motions until our hearts began to beat again. But, I meant what I said Chloe. You and Sarah are completely different people and I can guarantee you that none of us are going to confuse the two nor would we want to.”

“One last question?” Chloe looked at Samantha with apprehension.

“Anything.”

“What did you name me?”

Samantha’s eyes began to brim with tears as she whispered the word. “Sophia.”

Chloe felt new tears spill onto her cheeks and surprised herself then by initiating a hug. The women held onto each other for a long time and by the time they walked out of that room, they had already forged a strong bond. They had managed to repair the damage that was done to the one they should have had all along through no fault of either of them.

Chloe thought her emotional day was winding down, but she was wrong. The women finally returned out to the front room where Derek and Trevor were at and Samantha said, “I’m not feeling up to going out this evening. Is anyone else?”

They all agreed with her. It had been an excruciatingly long day and they were all spent from it, even Derek.

“Good then, I have some spaghetti sauce, I’ll just defrost it and make some pasta and a salad and we’ll be set for dinner.”

“Would you like some help?” Chloe asked her.

Before Samantha answered her, Trevor said, “Chloe, I know that you’ve been through way too much for one day, but there’s something I would like to give you. You can look at it on your own time; it’s for you to keep.”

Samantha looked at her husband with soft, sad eyes and said, “Derek, maybe you wouldn’t mind helping me in the kitchen?”

“I would love to,” Derek said. When he got up, he gave Chloe a kiss on the cheek and whispered, “Are you doing okay?” She smiled and nodded.

When Derek left the room, Trevor handed Chloe a leather bound journal.

“I didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling after you—after we lost you. So, I wrote you a letter in my journal. After that, I wrote one to you every year on your birthday just to describe the life and things that I thought you would never get to see or do. Mostly, I just hoped in a strange way that as long as I kept writing about you, you would continue to live on and somehow you would know how much we loved and missed you.”

He had a tear sliding down his cheek. As hard as it was for Chloe to watch Samantha breakdown, the simple tear on her father’s face was almost even more heart-wrenching. It was obvious how hard he was trying to hold himself together, but yet he was still falling apart.

“Thank you,” she said, sitting down with the journal. She looked up at him and said, “I keep a journal too. I have since I was a little girl.”

Trevor sat down next to her and said, “I started keeping one when I was twelve years old. It always helped me to organize my thoughts, and it was cathartic. Sarah kept one too. After she died, Samantha and I found a whole box full of them from when she was younger. Neither of us have been able to read them yet, but if it would help you to get to know your sister someday, you’re more than welcome to them.”

“Thank you,” she said again. One of the tears spilled over and began to roll slowly down her cheek. Trevor reached over with his thumb and wiped it away. She opened the book in her lap and read the first letter.

Dear Sophia,

I wish that heaven had a mailbox so that I could send you a letter every day and let you know how much you are missed here on earth. Today you would have been three weeks old. Today your mother and I are still trying to find a way to cope with the ache we feel in our hearts. Some people have told us that it was better to lose you before we got to know you but they are wrong. What would have been better was to not lose you at all. Your mother and I knew you from the day you were conceived. You were a part of us and a part of the sister that you will never know. Unknowingly, your beautiful sister has gotten us through the long days and even longer nights as we grieve.

We have to maintain a sense of “normalcy” for her sake and we do try. I went back to work this week and while I’m there, I go through the motions. I smile and I court clients and I pretend like I’m okay. But, every once in a while I have to lock myself in my office alone and as soon as the door is closed and the lock is turned, the tears come and I let myself cry. Sometimes at night when your mother and Sarah are sleeping I take a walk around the grounds and I stop to pet the horses and I wonder if you were still here if you would like to ride them as much as I do. I wonder about so many things. There is one thing that no one who knows me or your mother will ever have to wonder about, and that is how much we already loved you. I will never stop thinking about you and I will never stop loving you. I will always be your Daddy and I hope that heaven allows just this one letter to slip through so that while you glide around up there on your white and glittery angel winds, you know how dearly you are loved and missed here on earth.

I will always love you.

Your Daddy.

The letter brought on another onslaught of tears. Once she and Trevor had been able to let go of their embrace, Chloe sat the book aside to read another time. She was an emotional wreck at the moment. She didn’t know how much more crying she could take.