I was faster, but not by much.

While I got past Johanna and the Graemes, clearing the door proved troublesome when Amber intercepted me. I still didn’t understand her role in all of this, but right now I didn’t care.

“Get out of my way,” I demanded.

“You’re a danger to yourself and others. Not happening.” Since when did she give a damn about other people?

“What I am is overwhelmed. You have two choices. Either move, or I will make you.” Part of me knew this was crossing a line, that somewhere deep down I should’ve been more concerned by what she’d said, but I didn’t want any of it.

“It’s not your fault, Selena. I get it, okay? You’re angry. You’re confused. You don’t really know what’s going on, and half of us are still trying to figure out why we’re all here. I get it. You’re sister’s in that bed because of you, though. They told you what would happen if you couldn’t control it, but you still couldn’t. Now, you need—”

I stopped listening after that. Not because I snapped. Not because I punched her. I didn’t even run. I stopped because I knew what I needed. It was like something was pulling me as I retreated inward. Turning right around, I walked back to my bed. Hooking my hand over the post had become second nature now, as had avoiding Aaron when I swung my foot up and rolled onto the bed.

I was a danger to everyone I knew. Myself included.

I was broken.

But if I knew one thing about about being broken, it was that restarting usually fixed the problem. So, I was going to restart myself the only way I knew how.

Amber couldn’t have hit it more on the nose if she’d tried. Lucas was hurting because of me. Lily was tainted because of me. Alexandra was single, and Aaron soul-shackled—whatever that meant.

I didn’t have it in me to keep listening anymore, but I also didn’t need to fight them. One of the first things I’d learned about having control was that while you couldn’t always get rid of the situation, you could always remove yourself from it.

“What’s she doing?” Amber asked.

I rolled onto my side, facing the wall. With my back to them, I could almost pretend I was alone.

“She’s checking out,” Alexandra said softly.

As bad as her anger had been, the pity was worse. I didn’t want her pity. She’d known about all this crap and left me in the dark. Blair too.

“What does that mean?” Tori asked, her country twang nearly as sharp as Amber’s condescension.

“She’s here, but nobody’s home,” Alexandra said, and her sadness fueled me more.

My blood rushed, adrenaline spiking in my system to urge me to fight. I wasn’t going to, though, not this time.

Here’s the thing about being crazy. There was enough going on in my head that I could step out of reality almost at will. I hadn’t done it in years, but it was nearly as useful a skill as the walls I could resurrect and crumble with mere thoughts. This wasn’t something my father had taught me, though; this was all on dear old mom.

Limbo was a lot like being awake on the verge of sleep, or the other way around. I could hear them, but the words were distorted. Reality twisted as I retreated deeper and deeper into the recesses of my mind. I needed space. Time to think about what was happening. If they wouldn’t give it to me, I would make it.

I would start over.

This was the ultimate panic attack, and the deepest meditation. Caught somewhere between a state of adrenaline and calm, the balance struck. I’d found it.

Peace. Control.

Weren’t they the same?

“She’s a bloody coward,” someone cursed.

Is it the same day? Is it only moments later?

I didn’t know. Nor did I care.

“She wasn’t ready,” Aaron murmured.

He didn’t sound far away. Somehow, even here, his noose knotted around my neck. His voice was thicker than usual. Deeper. Darker. I needed to go further. Somewhere I could think. Somewhere I could be alone.

“She doesn’t have a choice. None of us were ready, but you don’t see us sleeping all day We’ve covered for her long enough. She needs to grow a pair.”

I didn’t know who it was, but the voice sounded familiar enough that I knew I’d heard it before.

“She’ll come back eventually. She always does,” my sister said. I could almost feel her heat, deep in my chilled bones.

I pressed further, until the only voice I could hear was my own. Inside my mind, the vast darkness expanded before me in a neverending vacuum outside of time or space. Was this why people abused drugs, or drank themselves into oblivion? Sometimes, you just needed to drown out the voices.

“Is this peace?” I asked, my voice echoing in my own ears.

“Not quite,” a voice answered. I should’ve known she would be here. That I could never run far enough.

“What do you want? Is ruining my life not enough for you?” I yelled. My hands clenched into fists of their own accord. I was as angry as ever. Resentful as always.

My other made a tsk sound, her cherry red heels clicking despite the lack of a floor.

“I didn’t ruin your life. You’re being dramatic, always cursing at people because ‘nobody understands you.’ Gag.” She pretend-shuddered.

Only fueling my hatred more. Deep down, I knew I should walk away. I should go back, and talk to my family, my friends. I shouldn’t be making deals with the devil, but maybe that was what I’d come here for. Maybe this was how I would find peace.

“Says me to me. Okay. I have officially lost it,” I deadpanned.

My other smirked, sucking a tooth obnoxiously. “This is why I like you,” she said.

I blinked, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”

“As much as you pity yourself, deep down, you and I are the same.” Her eyes traveled over me lazily. Too familiar for comfort, but foreign enough to give me the creeps.

“It’s hard to be the same when you’re not real,” I said. Why am I wasting my time with this?

“Not that again. Haven’t we been over this?” She rolled her eyes, tapping her heel impatiently.

“You only recently learned to talk. I think you’re overselling yourself,” I scoffed.

“I think you’re underestimating how strong we really are. If you spent half the time you waste moping actually learning self-control and searching for real answers, you wouldn’t have to dream about freedom. We would already have it,” she said.

“What’s the point in freedom when I can’t even have peace? I’m angry all the time. I can’t keep my temper. Any semblance of control I had is long gone…” I trailed off. Coming here was supposed to help me. It was supposed to make clear whatever I’d been missing. When I was younger and the voices got too bad, they never followed me here. When I’d been whipped bloody by my own sister, the pain had never followed me here. So why was she here?

“To help you. Isn’t that what you wanted? An answer to your questions. A voice to guide you.” She paused, motioning to herself like she was the lady of the hour. “Peace and freedom aren’t all that different at the end of the day. What if I told you I could get you there? What if I said I could free you?”

Those were dangerous words to a drowning girl trying to find the surface. Which meant they were too good to be true.

“You’re a damn liar,” I said, walking back the way I’d come.

She didn’t follow, but then again, maybe she didn’t need to. She always seemed to be there, in the back of my mind.

“We’re one and the same. You want to soothe the pain? You want peace? Then stop acting like a fool. You’re the strongest one here, and yet you cower before your own gifts and try to shove them under the rug for the sake of others. If you want peace, you have to take it. Nothing is free in this world. Your gifts come with a cost, and it’s time you stopped denying yourself.”

Those words hit a nerve. Like something deep inside me resonated with them. Where had I heard them before? A door illuminated, standing out from the blackness. Golden light peeked through the crack as it rattled violently in its frame.

I reached out to brush my fingers over the handle, feeling it come alive beneath me. The metal warmed to my touch, almost intimately, as odd as that sounded. I pulled away, not wanting to know what I would find behind it. Not wanting to face that truth quite yet.

My other had given me enough to think about without going there.

“What happened to Lily?” I asked. Time here ran differently than the real world. These minutes could feel like hours, but days could be only minutes. I never really knew how much time I’d spent in this state of in-between until I returned, but I couldn’t go back without knowing this.

“She burned herself out trying to take in your energy with nowhere to send it. The little glutton doesn’t know moderation, and if she’s not careful, next time will end poorly.” Her eyes glowed. Pure undiluted violet. Even when mine took on the hue, the color was never quite so striking. It was just as terrifying as it was beautiful.

“So you did cause it?” I demanded, but the anger wasn’t there. Not anymore.

“No. You caused it. I merely took advantage of it. Her soul wasn’t strong enough, though, and it’s that weakness that’ll get you both killed if you keep playing with gifts you don’t understand.” She spoke in riddles, and while I wanted to make a comment about her being crazy…she was saner than I’d given her credit for. Or I really was this far gone. Neither thought sat well with me.

“You seem to know a lot about things you shouldn’t. How is it possible you know this, but I don’t? Aren’t we one and the same? You said so yourself,” I pointed out. Something was drawing me back, like a thread that wouldn’t break.

“I did, didn’t I?” she mused, avoiding my question entirely.

“You’re going to keep terrorizing me when I wake up, aren’t you?” The thought made my skin crawl, because I was tired of fighting her. I was tired of fighting myself over the right to my mind. The one thing I was coming to realize, though, was that the more I fought, the stronger she became.

“Have you ever stopped to think that if you didn’t fight it, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much? Your instincts know what you need, even if your sentimental heart doesn’t.”

I didn’t ask any more questions. I didn’t need to. Deep down, some part of me needed to hear it, and know that my pain was in my control. My anger was in my control. And maybe, even peace was in my control. She wasn’t real, and I had no reason to believe her. I had no reason to trust a demon that wore my face, but I did. I’d come in here looking for answers and a way out, but the answer had been there all along.

There was no point hating myself for existing. There wasn’t strength in bottling it up, just to explode on people because I couldn’t control it. I wanted to protect my friends from myself. I wanted to hate them for making me care. Ultimately, I didn’t really know what I wanted.

Was I Selena the protector? Or was I terror?

Maybe if I stopped holding back, I would find out. Maybe if I stopped hiding, I wouldn’t have so many secrets. Maybe if I stopped caring so much about what other people did, I could control my own actions.

My eyes snapped open, but this time the gray concrete walls were a welcome sight. For once, everyone was gone. I pulled my phone from my back pocket to check the time, but the screen stayed black. An empty battery icon flashed red, and I pursed my lips.

Time to go find them. Time to fix this.

I hopped out of bed with a lightness I hadn’t felt in a while. My tank top was as disheveled as before, and I had no idea how much time had passed, but I was about to find out. I looked at Lily, still curled up in bed.

I will find a way to fix this. I’ll come back.

The hinge of the bunker door squeaked as I slipped through it and into the stairwell. There was no way it was nighttime, not with everyone gone.

A floor above me, I could already make out the grunts of someone falling on their ass in the simulator. Next thing I knew, an explosion sounded. What?

I took the stairs two at a time, throwing the door open hard enough that it stuck in the wall beside me. Oops.

“Well, well. Long time no see. Your friends here were just telling me how unwell you are, but I’m so happy you could make it for the next elimination.”

Another shout came from inside the simulator, but all I could focus on was Anastasia Fortescue, smug and smiling as bombs went off left and right while my friends screamed. They were so royally screwed, but, judging by her grin, I was too.