AUTUMN
The sun scorched my sandaled feet as we barreled out of the education building on Bascom Hill. Two years, three thesis topic changes, one apartment, and thousands of hours spent as an underappreciated researcher and I finally obtained my master’s degree in educational policy. Defending my thesis in front of my advisor, three professors, and two colleagues, one of whom was Jesse, was a battle of the nerves. The classroom felt intimidating with all eyes focused on me.
Jesse’s arm flung around my neck as we walked down Bascom Hill to the student union. He carried his presentation materials in the gray canvas bag slung across his abdomen.
“First round is on me, Master Blake,” Jesse sang with pride at our accomplishment of the afternoon. It was a bittersweet relief to reach the peak in our area of study and be recognized for the sacrifices and research, but to not know what came next or what to do now that our minds might slowly dwindle into idleness was worrisome.
“Thank you, Master Adler.”
It was a three-block stroll to the student union, where Jesse and I planned to meet Ella. She was already waiting for us in a pale yellow sundress with her short, curly brown hair bouncing as she nodded and waved for us to join her. The union was not as crowded with chaos as it usually was for a Saturday afternoon. There were some families with children wandering the pier along the lakeshore, lapping their melting ice cream cones, while some students shared pitchers of local microbrews under the shade of maple trees.
“Congratulations!” Ella fell into Jesse’s kiss as we reached the table. “I’m so proud of you guys.”
“Thanks.” I dropped my purse in the vacant chair at our table for four and sat next to Ella, taking in my view of the lake. I removed my navy blue cardigan, allowing the hot, welcomed August sun to tingle along my shoulders while Jesse and I spoke about our thesis presentations and the relief we shared for it all being finished.
“Congrats, Master Blake.” Sean’s hum tickled my ear as his arms engulfed me from behind. I held my hand to the arm wrapped across my chest and shook away the tickle of butterflies frantically radiating from my heart.
Sean released his hold and shook Jesse’s hand across the table, congratulating his roommate. His bronzed hair glowed in the afternoon sunlight, wisps of amber and chocolate catching the golden rays. I couldn’t see his eyes through the reflective lenses of his aviators, but when I saw a lot of my own reflection, I figured it was as good a time as any to look elsewhere.
“What are you doing here?” Ella kissed Sean’s cheek as he continued to greet our table. I wish I could do that without my heart exploding. His trim white t-shirt pulled against the muscles in his back as he leaned over the table to reach Ella. I felt like one of the melting ice cream cones I saw earlier.
“I heard Jesse was buying beer.” Sean lifted my purse and Jesse’s bag from the vacant chair and sat between us.
The waitress returned to our table with a pitcher and two baskets of fries, quickly falling victim to ogling Jesse and Sean.
“Can I get you something?” She fumbled while looking at Sean, who sat with his arms spread behind him along the retaining wall. I was close to warning her that he had a girlfriend, but then I would have to acknowledge Kelly, and that made my stomach twist. Sean smiled politely and asked for a glass and ketchup before the young girl bounced back into the main building.
“Oh my god,” I mumbled, laughter echoing my words. Ella’s eyeroll quickly turned into a giggle that joined my disdain for Sean’s effect on undergraduates.
“What?” he teased, reaching for a fry. Jesse poured his glass of beer too close to the top so he spent a silent minute patiently sipping the edges.
“You know what. You’re ruthless.” I should know.
“She’s right,” Jesse finally chimed in, his upper lip lined with froth. “We can’t take you anywhere.”
“Oh, um, hi, um, you’re like…super-hot.” Ella mocked the young girls we often came across with Sean, twisting a curl between her fingers. “Are you like…seeing anyone?”
“Oh, shit,” Sean’s arms tore from the cinder block retaining wall, “I forgot to tell Kelly I was coming here.”
“She’s probably waiting in your room, wondering what’s taking you so long to come out of the shower,” Jesse snorted. “Or she’s pacing back and forth like the rest of them. Is he going to call? Why hasn’t he called? Should I call him?”
Sean grinned, parting the shade of his stubble as he took his phone from his rear pocket. His thumbs quickly sent a message, and his attention returned to Jesse, Ella, and me.
“You guys are hilarious,” he mocked, reaching for the glass our waitress brought to the table. I watched the pink of her cheeks spark as she looked back several times while returning to the main building.
Ella delighted us in details of her morning at work—how she poured laxative into her boss’s coffee and purposely fried the office copy machine out of spite. She asked Jesse and me for more details of our thesis defense, but I could barely remember what happened because I was so nervous throughout the process. As Jesse spoke, occasionally teasing his girlfriend and roommate, I caught Sean’s stare. It was friendly, encouraging even, toward whatever was said, but each time it made my knees weak.
When I lifted my arms defensively, reminding Jesse that two glasses were all I needed to celebrate our afternoon, our group started to pack up. Ella and I wandered to the pier, gracefully stepping over broken bricks and unsupervised children.
I adjusted the strap of my left sandal while clinging to Ella’s bare shoulder for support. We hovered at the edge of the pier, waiting for Jesse to finish paying our bill. A small girl ran by, bumping into Ella and almost sending us both into the shallow water.
“That’s just what I need,” she groaned and turned her head. “Oh, gross.”
“What?” I regretfully looked up in the direction of her gaze, noticing Kelly arrived and was possessively greeting Sean.
“Poor Jesse,” I continued, “he has to watch that.”
“Poor us, too. Does that girl eat? Ever? She’s all legs and bone.” We studied Kelly’s indigo dress that clung to each frail bone in her figure, giving onlookers too much to see should she stand in any position other than vertical.
“When are you two going to admit you love each other so we can move on?” Ella took my hand as we started to walk back to the table. I ignored her, although I wondered the same every time I saw Sean.
Jesse was stuffing his wallet back into his khaki pants as we approached, quickly pulling Ella to his side and wrapping his left arm around her back. Ella nestled into him, resting her head on Jesse’s chest once she adjusted her sunglasses. He kissed her hair and smiled before glancing between Sean, Kelly, and third wheel Avery. “What are you kids up to this evening?”
“We’re going to dinner with my parents,” Kelly cooed. Barf. “And then we’ll probably see you two back at your apartment.” Gross.
“What about you, Ave?” Sean nodded to me. It was hard to take him seriously with his arm hanging around Kelly’s shoulders as we made our way out of the union.
I was sandwiched between the couples as we mounted the narrow path around the west side of the building toward Park Street. Pedestrian traffic had picked up since Jesse and I left the education building, and I grew more isolated from the pack as people shuffled around and between the two couples who desperately clung to one another.
“I have a date,” I mumbled. Ella froze, forcing Jesse to trip as he continued to walk while attached to her. Why did I tell them this?
“You do?” Sean questioned, lifting his aviators onto the top of his thick, cropped brown waves and staring at me like it was the shock of the century for me to have a date. Maybe this is all in my imagination.
“Stop looking at me like that,” I warned. “Yes. Avery has a date. She’s a big girl.”
Sean released Kelly, who remained oblivious, and came within inches of me, his green eyes smoldering and shattering my defenses.
“Make sure he pays,” Sean teased with a wink, his hand landing on the top of my head, tousling my hair. Ella bit her lip with a giggle and turned back to walking with Jesse. She called for Kelly to walk at her side, linking arms at their elbows. Traitor.
“And you better make sure he treats you well,” Sean continued, this time gently placing a piece of hair behind my right ear. He did things like this that always made my heart stop. I nervously studied his gaze, slowly nodding in agreement. Lines echoing his smile radiated from his deep eyes before he pinched my cheek, spoiling my moment of ignorant delight, and picked up our pace to keep within a couple feet of the others. I felt my heart drop into a pile of mush.
“It’s someone Lizzie knows,” I rambled uncomfortably, as though part of me felt guilty and needed to justify things. “It’s just a drink. Nothing big. Then it’ll be just me back to my apartment.”
“To sit on the lonely brown chair by the window,” Sean taunted. “Avery and her window seat.”
“At least I know what I want.” The words slipped, and I instantly regretted it, but there was no time to even pretend I could turn back the clock on that mistake. The air crackled between us, almost igniting my hands. I looked up at Sean from the corner of my eye, feeling his grin. His head hung like mine, but his bottom lip was sandwiched between his teeth as his mouth curled into a playful smile. Neither of us spoke more of my date or my gaffe. Thankfully.
Our caravan stopped at the corner of Park and State Streets, where I was to leave the group and make my ten-block walk across downtown to my humble studio.
“Well,” Jesse announced, interrupting my uncomfortable exchange with Sean, “congratulations again, Avery.”
“Call me later,” Ella squeezed my shoulders as she hugged me, “and don’t forget dinner at Lizzie’s on Monday.”
“Don’t worry.” I returned her embrace, observing Kelly fish through her black sequined purse and begin to pout. I’d pout too if my clothes restricted my breathing.
“I need to run to the ATM. Can you guys wait for me?” she whined. I rolled my eyes; it was our routine, she just didn’t know it. Jesse nodded to Kelly in response, watching Sean, whose eyes were burning a hole into my back.
“I want to stop at the restroom.” Ella kissed Jesse’s arm as she turned into his embrace. Jesse followed Kelly and Ella into the University Bookstore on the corner, and I, wondering how to repair the holes in my back, started to walk home.
The west end of State Street was filling with students out for dinner and heading to the bars early on such a warm and lovely late summer evening. I felt a tug on my cardigan and spun around to see Sean standing before me, urgency plastering his perfect appearance.
“What?” I laughed, uneasy. His stern expression was infuriatingly beautiful; furrowed brows, dark green eyes, Sean.
“What the hell kind of comment is that?”
“What? Goodbye? That’s a standard and appropriate form of dismissing oneself from a social gathering.”
“You are such a stubborn, confusing human, Avery.” Sean’s strapping arms crossed tightly along his chest. Is he frustrated? One point for me!
“And you all love me regardless,” I taunted, standing on the tips of my sandals to peck his cheek. “I’ll see you on Monday, Sean.”
I didn’t fight the grin plastered on my face as I walked away, arrogantly proud of myself for fighting my feelings and moving forward. I could have easily told Sean how much he meant to me, how much he knew we were each other’s missing puzzle piece, but I avoided all of that nonsense and left one of my closest friends standing alone as I walked home. Besides, I had a date.
Every bone in my feet throbbed when I reached my apartment door. My sandals were pretty but deadly. I peeled my cardigan off, glistening with sweat from the balmy walk. Once inside, I tossed my keys and sandals at the small turquoise shelf by my bathroom door and slipped out of my dress. The cotton rippled against the hardwood floor. Ah, air conditioning.
I lugged my bare feet into the bathroom and turned on the shower, filling the chilly room with steam. While the water brewed to an appropriate temperature, I wandered back to my purse, reaching inside for my phone. No missed calls and no text messages. How is it already five-thirty? I had forty-five minutes to get ready and meet Lizzie’s friend for a drink on the other side of the Square. I flew back into the bathroom, taking one of the quickest showers in recent memory. When I finished drying my hair and applying enough mascara, I reached for my buzzing phone.
Sean: He better pay. ;)
Sean was killing me.
***
I don’t do blind dates, so fortunately I had the pleasure of previously meeting Declan when Lizzie recently arranged a get together with her co-workers and friends. He seemed nice enough when we met a few weeks ago that I had no legitimate reason to deny Lizzie’s request that she set Declan and I up for a date.
I finished getting ready and ran across the Square to Corazon Café, where I planned on one margarita with Declan, all in record time. I opted for flats instead of sandals, since it was still a little sticky out, and my toes ached from my walk home after the Union.
From the final step of the Capitol, I could see Declan hovering around the door to the restaurant. His dark blond hair was combed back, revealing his tan complexion. He wore a navy blue button-down with burgundy stripes tucked into navy khakis, monochromatically easy on the eyes. As I approached, I noticed his crisp gray topsiders. His outfit reminded me of a fancier version of Jesse, minus the tattoos and frequent stubble.
“Hi.” I greeted him with a pat on the arm. “Thanks for meeting me.”
“Hey! Absolutely.” He kissed my hand. “I didn’t get a table yet. I was waiting for you. Ready?”
He kissed my hand? Oh, lord. I politely nodded, following my escort into the small café. The cozy room was tightly lined with tables and chairs, suggesting occupancy of less than twenty. We were guided to a table at the window overlooking Main Street and its mix of pedestrians and tourists.
“I think a huge congratulations is in order,” Declan chimed. “Lizzie told me you defended your thesis this afternoon.”
“You spoke to her today?”
Declan blushed, and it was utterly adorable. “I did. I wanted to make sure you hadn’t bailed.”
“Oh.”
“Avery, I’m kidding. I’m not that needy.” His gentle laugh tickled the air. “I saw her this morning at work.”
“Whew!” I pretended to be relieved. “Let’s order. I’ve been looking forward to a margarita from here for days!”
When the young server arrived at the table, he frantically wrote down the drink order and our additional request for chips and salsa. Declan asked me to describe my thesis and the presentation, to which I happily obliged. He told me about some of the latest projects at the marketing firm at which he and Lizzie worked. It seemed comfortable enough speaking with Declan. He reminded me more and more of Jesse, which was encouraging because Jesse was one of my favorite humans.
Declan excused himself to the restroom when our date was coming to an end. I watched him walk away, smiling at how I actually enjoyed myself in Declan’s company. I mindlessly scanned the street while I waited for him and checked my phone in the time I had left.
Sean: Is he paying for the chips too?
Me: Seriously? Stalker. How is your dinner?
Sean: It’s a small town, baby. Dinner’s over.
Me: From where are you spying on my date, jerk?
Sean: Not spying. Capitol steps. You’re the one on display in the window.
I rolled my eyes at Sean’s text message and resisted the urge to look out the window at him with Kelly and her parents. Thankfully, Declan returned to the table as I placed my purse back in my lap.
“Did you want another?” Declan nodded toward the empty pitcher on our table. “My treat.”
“I shouldn’t.” I pouted, biting my lip in indecision. Declan smiled at me and took some cash from his wallet, leaving it on the table before extending his hand to mine when he stood.
“May I walk you home?”
“That would be really sweet of you. Thanks, Declan.” I accepted his hand and walked with him outside. Declan and I slowly glided through the sporadic groups of people on our walk across the Capitol. I liked listening to him, his voice and his words. He started discussing plans to visit his younger sister in Chicago the following weekend when Kelly’s shriek distracted our conversation. We turned in the direction of her squeal, observing Kelly frantically waving at us. Why me?
“You know her?” Declan chuckled, eyeing Kelly and the minimal fabric that covered her body. I was remorseful that her parents spent an entire dinner looking at their daughter’s minimalist approach to attire.
“Unfortunately,” I mumbled through my bogus smile as she approached us. “Hi, Kelly.”
“Oh my god. How cool is it that we get to see each other twice today? Hi, I’m Kelly. You must be Avery’s date.” She extended a frail arm to Declan, who politely nodded and shook her hand.
“Declan, this is Kelly. Kelly, Declan and Lizzie work together.” I introduced them, eagerly waiting for a chance to escape. Maybe Declan and Kelly would be a good fit.
“My parents walked to their hotel. Sean just ran in there.” Kelly nodded to the pharmacy across from us, answering my unspoken question. “Where are you two kids headed?”
“Home. Well, have a good rest of your night, Kelly.” I ran out of time. Damn. Here came Mr. Text Message in all of his date night perfection; trimmed stubble, radiant eyes, and blinding grin that destroyed me, threatening my life with a button-down shirt he neglected to button at the top two buttons, sleeves rolled up along his forearms. I hate him. I couldn’t stop staring, though.
“Wow, Ave.” Sean scanned the length of me. “You clean up really well.”
“Thanks.” I clenched my jaw to keep from passing out, but nobody noticed behind my fake smile. I was melting between Sean and Declan and not sure where to look.
“I’m surprised they let you out of the house like this,” Sean teased before he nodded to Declan. “Hey, man. Nice to see you.”
After they shook hands, the four of us stood with an awkward silence hanging over us like a raincloud. Well, not Kelly. She kept trying to balance in her excessively high heels and shove her chest into Sean’s arm. I adjusted the top of my sweetheart neckline, finding a need to fidget with something during our strange encounter. I tugged on Declan’s arm, taking the first step out of it.
“Nice running into you.” I bit my cheek and didn’t wait for anyone to say something else.
Declan caught up with me and reached for my elbow. “Are you okay, Avery? You didn’t seem too excited about your friends back there.” I brushed it off, laughing in response, and continued to walk to the intersection outside of my apartment building.
When we stopped at the bottom of the cracked steps leading into my building, I turned to Declan. His placid eyes were full, a gentle chocolate brown with nothing to conceal and no mischievous quality to them. Predictability could be comforting, but the absence of a chase that haunted roguish eyes could also feel tragic. I smiled at him, warmed by the grin with which he replied.
“This is me.” I pointed to the door. “Thank you again for tonight, Declan. I had a lot of fun.”
“I’m glad.” He looked at my building and then at me. I worried for a moment he might have expected something more, but Declan remained a gentleman and hugged me before stepping backward.
“I’ll call you soon,” he assured me, walking away with his hand extended in a wave. With the night over, I mounted the steps inside the building, realizing how exhausted I actually was when my own fire gave way.
Once locked in my studio, I changed into an oversized t-shirt stolen from Jesse and a pair of shorts. I made a cup of tea, wandered around the enclosed space, and drifted off in my favorite chair. So what if I like my chair?
When my eyes fluttered open, I reached for my phone to message Lizzie about my date. Surely she would want all the details. I was surprised she hadn’t already called or texted. Then I wondered if Declan told her I was a bore or that we weren’t compatible. Relax, Avery. It was one date. One date in the shadow of Sean and Kelly. Ugh. I kept my messages simple, unlike my thoughts.
Me: It was fun.
I worried she might read too much into my lack of expression.
Lizzie: That’s all?
I was right. My phone buzzed again, but I returned to the sappy drama enfolding on the television.