AUTUMN
My pants no longer fit. Even the pairs of leggings with large, elastic waistbands refused to support the circumference of my blossoming belly. At only a few months along, I was quickly outgrowing the never-worn, redundant surplus of clothes billowing from my closet. It probably didn’t help that we walked to the unhealthiest and most delicious ice cream shop twice per week. I was fine resigning myself to dresses because October in Madison was warm enough as long as the sun was shining.
“Good morning, beautiful.” Sean kissed my shoulder as he approached from the bathroom. My favorite dark purple towel was wrapped around his hips, beads of water still dripping from his hair and along his muscular chest. I turned from the window and smiled, letting my eyes wander the ridges and scars of his healthy body. It was a challenge to comprehend that moment in my life. Sean was healthy, our babies were healthy, my job was still fulfilling, and our condo on the square was home. Sean was alive, with me, with us.
“You’re going to make us late,” I scolded. His hands flew up in playful defense, and he walked toward his closet. He was still incredibly gorgeous, scarred only by the surgical reminders of how close we all came to losing him. But his courage, his determination, made him indescribably more beautiful.
“What are you going to wear?” I asked, sitting on the edge of our bed, eyeing the towel Sean tossed into the laundry pile. I kept finding my hands absentmindedly secured to my belly, protecting my bump from the world. Sean appeared from his closet wearing a white dress shirt, cuffs folded over his forearms, and black pants. It looked like a uniform until he pulled out his gray tweed vest and buttoned it over his slim frame.
“This okay?”
“You look like Jesse.”
He stepped toward me, placing his hands on my belly, and softly kissed my forehead. “Great minds,” he teased, pointing to his head.
I climbed from our bed with his help and slipped on my pink flats before leaving for brunch. I clung to his arm for balance and because I could. He was alive, Sean was healthy, and I couldn’t let go.
Thanks to the warm autumn weather, the rooftop at Retrovaille was still open and happy to accommodate our table of six. The elevation and canopies of expiring clematis and wisteria kept the rooftop comfortably cool. It was perfect weather for cardigans. Yay. I had plenty of those. Sean and I were first to arrive, despite my slight waddle and Sean’s protective need to keep me at a slow pace as we walked two blocks to State Street.
Sean smiled to the server who showed us the way to the long table arranged near the point of the triangular rooftop space, guiding me at his side.
“Where is everyone?” I asked as Sean helped push my chair back under the table. I reached for a menu from the centerpiece of tall ivory candles and vases of mums.
“I’m sure they’re on their way.” He took my hand as he sat next to me at the head of the table. “What are you three in the mood for?”
“Pancakes,” I growled with delight as I thought of how scrumptious Retrovaille’s buttermilk pancakes with orange honey butter were, “and maybe some bacon. And a kiss?”
“Pancakes, definitely. Bacon, maybe,” Sean leaned over and lifted my chin in the air, tenderly pressing his lips against mine, “and a kiss, absolutely.”
“Hi!” Ella’s squeal broke our moment. She skipped across the rooftop, Jesse trailing behind. Her hair, now wavy and long, was pulled into a tight ponytail. I think she stole my earrings. Jesse caught up with her and kissed me on the cheek.
“Glad to see you.” Sean stood to reciprocate Jesse’s warm hug. They lingered for a fleeting moment, exchanging the warm glow of camaraderie. Things changed for them too. I’d never forget that.
Jesse sat next to Sean, opposite of me, with Ella at his side. The server attended to our table, taking orders for everyone’s mimosa or champagne and my sparkling water with grenadine. I looked around, hoping to catch Lizzie’s entrance, but she hadn’t arrived. It seemed odd that on a Saturday morning the rooftop would be so vacant, especially with the farmer’s market still occupying the Capitol Square.
“So,” Sean beamed with excitement, “we go to the doctor on Thursday for our screening.”
“Do you have an inkling?” Ella looked at me impatiently, ready to decorate the extra room in our condo.
“No.” I shook my head. I didn’t mind one of each, two of one, as long as they were healthy. And maybe if they looked like me instead of Sean because the world doesn’t need another heartbreaker.
I listened to the conversation and smiled at Sean’s excitement about the ultrasound, the babies, and our plans. The once-ruthless flirt, the magnet for all female undergraduates, was going to be a father in a few months, and it was apparent by the spreading grin on his face that he couldn’t be happier or more fulfilled.
“Hi, everyone,” Lizzie called as she approached the table. “Sorry we’re late. This one was busy saving lives already this morning.” She rested her hand on Noah’s chest.
“That’s not fair. I only got one coat of polish on my toes before I had to leave,” Ella teased. “Hi, you two.” Noah waved, flashing the sleeve of tattoos that kept me focused and still months prior.
“I ordered a mimosa and bloody mary for you two,” Jesse told them. He seemed a little nervous, edgier than usual. Sean glanced around, and I followed his eyes to the entrance. He squeezed my hand as he stood, pulling my belly and me with him.
“What? Are you okay?” I shuddered. He smiled at me, the glow resonating in my soul, and nodded behind me to the entrance.
I turned around, confused as to why my mother and sister were standing on the rooftop with Sean’s parents. “What’s going on?” I questioned, glaring at him with suspicion.
Lizzie and Noah were also standing. So were Ella and Jesse. Sean guided me away from the table and into the covered pergola that looked to the east of State Street. The wisteria and clematis hung and danced in the breeze as it tickled its way across the roof.
“Avery,” Sean took my chin between his thumb and finger, holding my other hand against his chest, regaining my attention. “You don’t want a big wedding. It took you months to accept my proposal. You’re four months pregnant. Let’s just do it. Right here, right now, with the people we love.”
“Here?” I gaped. “But I’m not wearing a white dress.”
Sean laughed warmly and placed his hands on my bump. “The jig is up on that one, my love.” He kissed my forehead and continued grinning at me.
“What do you say?” Lizzie called. “Can we do it? Right now?”
Ella was jumping up and down, clinging to Jesse’s arm. I glanced at my mom, who was dressed in a black wrap dress and large pearls decorating her clavicle. She was holding my sister’s hand, both smiling and beginning to cry. Don’t make me cry. I’m a hot mess. I glanced back at Sean, his emboldened green eyes expectant and waiting.
My mouth parted into a smile, my heart humming with love for him. Sean kissed me again and waved for Jesse to join us, his hands still clinging to my belly. Jesse stood between us, motioning for our friends and family to approach the pergola. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I thought I was just getting pancakes.
Sean’s mom was latched tightly to his father’s right arm. Her free hand grasped my mother’s. Lizzie and Ella stood next to me. My imperfect, unrequested but appreciated, bridesmaids. Did they know about this? They had to. Jesse knew. Sneaky bastards. Noah stood behind Sean, his sleeve continuing to pull me into a darker place. Sean squeezed my hands in his, grinning at me while Jesse spoke to everyone. Jesse is marrying us? This is beyond perfect.
“Avery,” Sean murmured, his eyes tangling my heart and mind, “I have loved you more deeply with each moment of our precious time together. You haven’t been easy to catch, but holding on to you is worth everything. You’ve been my best friend, my lover, my partner, and you are the mother of our children. I know you’re too smart for me, too kind for me, and too lovely for me, but that love and kindness is what calls me to you every day. We’ve been through the gates of hell and back together too many times this year, and yet here we are, ready to embark on the scariest and most rewarding journey of our lives. I promise you, Avery, that I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure you are the happiest woman alive because that is how you make me feel. You’re my heart, Bean. You meet me and challenge me, pushing me to heal and become who I’m meant to be. Without you, I’m nothing. I’ve been lost and you found me, Avery. I promise to love you, as I already do, unconditionally, with every fiber of my being for as long as…forever, Avery.”
And just like that, with uncontrollable tears pouring down my cheeks, our family and best friends with us, I stepped onto my tiptoes and kissed him. I kissed Sean, the man who was more than my friend, the man who I carried through hell and back, the man I will love forever. My Sean.