I looked around the crowded dining room with the scalding tray of lasagna between my hands. The only seat remaining once everyone took their place was across from Kelly. I knew I was being punished for something. Watching Kelly flirt with Sean was going to be absolute torture.
Lizzie already brought in the serving spoons and started cutting the lasagna the moment I placed it on the trivet. I quietly took my place between Jesse and Ella, listening to everyone’s conversation. I pretended not to watch Kelly and Sean throughout dinner. I knew it was a terrible mistake to submit myself to their antics, but I couldn’t help surrendering myself to the suffering. It was like getting stuck in the traffic jam surrounding an accident; you want to look away, to avoid it at all costs, but you are somehow sucked in by some morbid curiosity. Chatter buzzed around the table as we filled our plates and glasses, excited for our habitual weekly meal as a dysfunctional family of friends.
“A toast to Jesse and Avery,” Lizzie giggled as her hand flew into the air, some of the bubbly white splashing out with her toast. “Congratulations, and may the world prepare itself for the trouble you two will bring.” A hum of cheer rang around the table.
“What’s next?” she asked, eyeing each of her guests. Ella mentioned new attempts to sicken her boss. I fidgeted with the stem of my wineglass and looked elsewhere.
“I’m going to visit my brother soon,” Sean announced, his voice pulling my attention. “In Miami.”
“Kelly, are you going?” Jesse called across the table, stuffing his face with garlic bread. A glistening outline of oil traced a ring around his mouth as his lips surrounded the bread.
“Excuse me,” I quietly whispered, standing up and leaving the table. I was headed toward the bathroom on the other end of Lizzie’s condo while conversation carried on in the dining room. I heard someone follow me, so I stopped once I was clear of the dining room view. It was Lizzie, her cotton black apron still tied around her diminutive waist.
“Avery,” she spoke gently. “What’s going on?”
“I’m not feeling well,” I lied. “Just going to the bathroom.” I wasn’t being entirely dishonest with Lizzie, as I had every intention of escaping to the bathroom. I had no symptoms of illness, but the sensation of my stomach traveling toward my throat wasn’t helping me feel any better. Lizzie slowly shook her head and squeezed my left arm.
“You need to do something about this,” she warned. “You’re only going to keep hurting yourself.”
“Stop having group dinners. Maybe that’ll be easier?” I suggested, hoping Lizzie wouldn’t pursue further dialogue while everyone remained mere feet away. She released my arm and pushed me into the bathroom with her. Lizzie untied her apron as she started to speak to me, as though fidgeting and fussing with the ties would give her courage to confront me or avoiding eye contact would make it easier to discuss.
“Look.” She locked the door and started to whisper, her voice barely audible. “I understand how difficult it is for you to be around Sean. Really, I do. I can appreciate how arduous it is when you see him with Kelly, but since you chose not to tell him your feelings, there isn’t anything you can do about it. And what about Declan?” I leaned against the sink and tended to the invisible lint on my jeans. The pulse in my ears silenced Lizzie’s words. What about Declan? We went on one date. I’d known Sean for six years.
“You’re ignoring me,” she snorted. “Get it together before you come back out there because if you don’t want the world to know your secret, you can’t keep running into my bathroom every time Sean opens his mouth…as pretty as it may be.”
“I know,” I grumbled. Lizzie pulled open the door and stepped outside. I didn’t realize I held my breath almost the entire time Lizzie was in the bathroom with me until my lungs began to throb. I turned from leaning on the counter to stare into the mirror. Who else knew how infatuated I was with my best friend besides Lizzie? How embarrassing. With a deep inhale and a shake of my arms to calm my nerves, I returned to the dining room table. I caught Sean changing his focus from eating to me as I stepped inside and took my seat, because I noticed everything he did. His gentle smile fought with my brain as I tried to look away from him. His lips curled into a reassuring grin that seemed almost inviting. I warned myself to stop staring, to stop torturing myself.
“Ave,” Jesse was laughing from a previous comment I missed, “are you coming out tonight after dinner?” I was still unable to peel my glance away from Sean as long as he sat smiling at me, the jerk.
Ella kicked my foot under the table, and I turned to Jesse, trying not to appear flustered. “What? Oh, no. Sorry.”
“Why not?” Sean’s demand rang above Jesse’s response. I looked up, noticing Kelly’s fingers laced between Sean’s, and shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know if the dinner table, surrounded by our friends and his girlfriend, was the appropriate venue to tell Sean the real reason I didn’t want to follow them out was because I had already suffered enough through dinner, and having more drinks was probably not the safest plan. I felt my lips quiver and reached for my wine to hide the nerves. I didn’t have feelings for him. Lizzie’s crazy.
“She’s stuck here helping me finish my thesis.” Lizzie’s lie was legitimate enough, so my shoulders felt safe to fall from the height of my ears.
“Wow,” Kelly sang. “You’re all really into that school stuff.” Oh my god, Sean, why are you with this girl? Ella’s eyebrows rose at Sean, who laughed between bites, ignoring Ella’s attempt at getting a response from him.
“I present on Thursday,” Lizzie continued. “Jess, hand me some more garlic bread, please.”
“This is delicious,” Jesse interjected. “Who made it this time?”
“Me,” I told him, my appetite diminishing. Conversation swirled around the table as we finished eating, glasses clinking in appreciation and delight. I volunteered to help Lizzie with the dishes and met her in the kitchen, carrying several plates and silverware. Her galley kitchen limited the number of occupants, and we managed to begin washing and drying dishes side by side.
“Can I help?” Sean peeked around the corner, an unapologetic smile plastered on his face. I continued washing, my hands tickled by the bubbles each time I drowned them in the sink filled with hot water.
“You can dry,” Lizzie suggested. “I’ll get the rest from the dining room.” From above my security bubbles, I silently cursed Lizzie for leaving me. I continued piling clean dishes in the empty sink, waiting until I finished washing to rinse them all.
Sean took Lizzie’s blue polka-dot towel from the dish rack and patiently waited for each rinsed item. It was an unusually stubborn silence before his voice broke through. “How is Declan?”
“I don’t know.” I handed him a plate, keeping my eyes focused on the task of washing and rinsing. He smells wonderful.
“Is he nice?”
“So far.” Wash, rinse, hand plate to Sean, avoid eye contact, repeat. The scalding water poured into the sink, creating the only sound in the narrow space, while my hand hung heavily with a plate as I waited for Sean to take it from me. I turned my head and noticed his intention to immediately take the plate was non-existent. He stood there, looking at me, the dishtowel dangling at his hip.
“What?”
He took the plate from my hand rather quickly with no remorse and returned to his duty of drying. “Nothing,” he grumbled. “Change of subject? Did you decide if you’re going to Jesse’s party?”
“I am.” Awkward. Kelly skipped into the kitchen, her bleached bob bouncing with each movement. She quietly yanked Sean toward her by the collar of his shirt, pulling him out of the room. The dishtowel fell to the floor as he left, his laughter echoing in the kitchen, and I stood there like a fool. I knew Lizzie didn’t need me to wash her dishes and she’d throw them in the dishwasher, but I needed a purpose, a minute to calm my nerves.
I joined everyone on the sidewalk, hugging myself tightly. I tried to keep my feelings as platonic as possible, but my heart stopped when Sean coiled his strong arms around me for a hug goodnight. His cologne tickled my nose, sending wafts of welcomed spice into my lungs.
“Thank you for dinner.” He kissed my forehead and pulled away. “We’re going to sleep well now that we’re stuffed!”
“Uh huh.” I swallowed, savoring the last clouds of air between us. Ella’s hand was squeezed between my fingers as I watched Kelly skip toward Sean on the sidewalk near his vintage Wrangler.
“Why do you torture yourself?” Ella whispered to me, a smile plastered on her face as we watched Sean take Kelly’s hand. He held the door for Kelly, not closing it until she was securely fastened inside. Thankfully for my nerves, Jesse and Lizzie came down the steps, distracting Ella and me from the view of Sean’s Wrangler gliding into the distance. Great. Ella sees it too? Is it so obvious?
“Hey,” Jesse put his arm around Ella’s shoulders, “who wants to continue this conversation at the pub?”
“Not me.” I sighed, shaking my head and releasing Ella’s hand. Jesse’s head hung behind him, as if denying him an opportunity to continue his acts of gluttony was a crime.
“Lizzie? Be my saving grace,” he teased. “Please?”
“Sorry, Jess,” she laughed, “but I’m with Avery on this one.” Ella smiled and patted her hand on Jesse’s chest as the four of us stood on the sidewalk.
Lizzie reached for the door, winking at Jesse and Ella. “Goodnight!”
***
Days later, I arrived early for our poker game. It was just Sean, me, and tension. I sat on the leather couch in Jesse and Sean’s small living room, waiting for Sean to return from the kitchen with a glass of water. Looking around, I found no real celebration of Kelly in his life. There were no pictures on display or love letters lying around, not that I expected there to be a lot of things because Sean was a minimalist, but I assumed there might be a picture stuck to the fridge at least. Even I had those. I couldn’t help but selfishly hope they weren’t serious.
“Here you go.” Sean stepped closer to me and set the glass on the coffee table. “Where were we?”
“Your trip to Miami.”
“Right.” Sean wiggled into the leather club chair across from me, lifting his crossed ankles to the coffee table. “I think I’ll just play it by ear, you know, maybe go for a few weeks and see how I feel.”
“Find a new girlfriend or two.”
“Maybe,” he flashed a grin, “or maybe not. What time is everyone coming over?”
Subject change? I tried to hide my intrigue by glancing at my watch. We talked for two hours about mindless nonsense and each minute was beyond comfortable. Even with my exploding heart in his presence, it always felt like I’d been away, this was home, and the seductive melody of Sean was a reward. Get it together, Avery. I shook my head, clearing myself of such pathetic thoughts, and sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. They’ll be here soon.”
He eyed me speculatively. Even that made his green eyes shimmer beautifully. “Are you sure? That was a pretty deep sigh.”
“Where are your poker chips?” I stood up and put my hands in the pocket of my jeans. Sean pointed to the glass cabinets next to their defective fireplace. Helpful. Squatting at the cabinet, I searched for the chips. Sean moved behind me, nestling into the couch I was just in, and stretched his legs along the cushions. I hoped he didn’t catch my eyes widen once I turned around.
“You look comfortable,” I chided. “There’s nowhere for me to sit now.”
He rubbed the space next to his legs while flashing his stupid I-bet-you-wish-I-was-single grin. “There’s plenty of space right here.”
The door opened, and Jesse stepped inside with Ella and Lizzie behind him. Their distraction was welcomed and helped my heart return to a normal rhythm. I practically skipped to the door, falling into Lizzie’s hug.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” I whispered as her blonde curls tickled my nose. “I was afraid for my safety.” She cackled, knowing all too well it was about Sean. Jesse and Ella began clearing the coffee table while I helped Lizzie with the two pizza boxes she carried. Sean reluctantly pulled himself from the couch, brushing too close to me on his way out of the room. Maybe it was all in my head.
“I hate poker,” Lizzie moaned. “We don’t know how to play this game. The boys always win. Is Kelly coming?” I hoped Sean hadn’t invited her or she had some inane sorority function. Ella handed out plates and placed one box of pizza on the floor next to the coffee table before sitting down on the carpet, crossing her feet beneath her legs. We scattered around the coffee table when Sean returned. He sauntered into the living room, seemingly having forgotten to put on the dark green t-shirt dangling in his hands. He’s doing this on purpose. I hate him. This is definitely not just in my head.
“Dude, put your clothes on,” Lizzie reprimanded him. “I’m trying to eat.”
“He lives here,” Jesse scolded her.
“I wouldn’t tell you to put your clothes on at your house or my house, Lizard.” Sean winked at her and pulled the shirt over his head, matting his hair.
“Dork.” Lizzie tousled his hair while he walked by her, on his way to the couch—on his way to me. Oh, hell no, Sean. There were plenty of other seating options elsewhere.
“Should we play the Ella way or old fashioned poker?” Jesse called, dividing his set of playing cards. Ella’s method of playing poker required us to write a series of favors or things we were willing to do instead of using actual money. It was risky but more cost effective for those of us without a trust fund. Sean!
“Old fashioned,” I suggested, blurting the words. Because I don’t want to offer Sean any favors. Do I?
It took ten minutes for me to be twenty dollars in the hole. I hated poker. However, Jesse too kindly replaced each of my empty wine glasses so I wasn’t taking my loss too hard. What if that’s his game? Jerk! Sure, get the girls giggly so they don’t realize that they’re all losing. Well, he was just as giggly, so maybe he didn’t have a secret plan. His roommate, on the other hand…
“I’m out.” Lizzie sighed, placing her weak hand of cards on the table and reaching for a cold slice of pepperoni pizza.
“You still in?” Sean questioned, eyeing me with plastered doubt. His shirt echoed the warm glow of his emerald eyes. Another distraction. These two are terrible.
“Oh,” I assured him, “I’m all in.” Ella giggled beneath her wine glass. Sean squinted as he smiled, accepting my participation, continuing to deal cards from the small deck while peeking up at me with a malicious grin.
“This is ridiculous,” Ella grumbled, eyeing her hand of cards. “Stupid.”
“Ell,” I rolled my eyes, “you’re giving the game away! This is poker. You need to put your face on and pull up your big girl panties.”
“Yes, dear,” Jesse mockingly encouraged Ella, kissing the top of her head.
“It’s all about pretending you’ve got it all right,” Sean instructed. “How it looks on the outside.”
Lizzie scoffed, mid-bite. “You would know.”
“Yep.” He winked at her, and his grin stretched a mile wide, blinding me. Ella bowed out, tossing her bad hand on the table. It was just the boys and me. We glowered, glared, and fought laughter and smiles, all while attempting to win. Sean can keep that smug look all he wants because this Avery has a flush. I placed my cards on the table, one by one, deliberate and teasingly slow. Jesse’s head hung, his right hand scratching through his thick hair. I leaned across the table toward Jesse, pulling his five-dollar bills toward me.
“Oh, I don’t think so.” Sean laughed, trying to pull me away from Jesse’s money. His hands wrapped around my shoulders while I refused to budge, cackling as he tried to remove me.
“Let go,” I shouted between laughing gasps of air, clinging to Jesse’s hand for support.
“You didn’t win,” Sean scolded. “You can’t take his money.”
“I did win!” I was thankful to be wearing jeans as my hips pressed against the surface of the coffee table, spreading Ella’s pathetic hand of cards onto the floor.
“Hey!” Lizzie grumbled as the cards fell on her face. I almost forgot she was down there with the leftover pizza, half awake.
“No.” Sean’s left arm snaked around me, pulling me down onto his lap in a fit of laughter. I held my fist of Jesse’s cash in the air, giggling like a child in Sean’s lap.
“Avery won,” Ella cheered and leaned into the couch. “Yay! Now she can buy me a drink.”
“You’re done,” Lizzie teased from the floor, her left arm placed across her eyes. “We’re all toast.”
I was a fit of inebriated joy in my happy place. Oh, boy. I’ve got trouble if this is my happy place. I kept laughing, the feeling tensing my abdomen with a quenching pain of bliss. Sean started his miserable attempt to get Jesse’s money from my tightly bound fist, but I held on, continuing to sing my song of laughter.
“STOP!” I screamed as Sean’s long fingers tickled my stomach and then my neck. I repeated my call for help, but none of our friends came to my aid. Lizzie was half asleep, Ella flopped onto the couch behind us, and Jesse was cleaning up the chips. Jesse was amused, though; he hummed with laughter as he worked, stumbling a little to put away the chips.
Sean’s muscles tensed and released along his arms while he tried to force me to give up the money. I was almost out of breath, almost ready to give up, when he suddenly stopped. No. Come back…
I was in his lap, catching my breath with the stupidest grin on my mouth. My hair covered most of my face, which was good because I’m sure I was blushing, and I knew I didn’t want Sean to see how much I enjoyed it all. Time to get up. Sean took his phone from his pocket and was quickly responding to a text message while I struggled against him and leaned back on Ella’s legs. She whimpered and pulled me next to her, a dainty arm hugging me close.